A non-tacky but nice way to ask the wedding party

MCmeow

I want to ask my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids in a special way but can't figure out how. I like the idea of giving them a gift with the question, something clever, but I feel like a lot of the ideas I see (Mostly pinterest) are really basic-white girl-esque haha, some are just inappropriate (Hold my dress while I pee? Really?). Give me some ideas!

Maggie0829

I think the best way to ask someone to be your BM is to either meet them for a drink/lunch or call them up and ask them.  No need for a grand gesture or gift.  The asking should be enough to make it special.

MyNameIsNot

Instead of going with gimmicky or trendy, try sincerity. 

If you're uncomfortable pouring your heart out, write a note and give it to each of them privately. "You are special to me because... and I couldn't imagine getting married without you standing up there with me. Will you be my bridesmaid?" 

climbingsingle

Just ask. That's it. 

levioosa

Call or take friend out to lunch.  

"Hey, your friendship means a lot to me.  I would love for you to stand up next to me at FI's and my wedding."

Done, nice, not tacky, mature.  

Jen4948

MCmeow said:

I want to ask my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids in a special way but can't figure out how. I like the idea of giving them a gift with the question, something clever, but I feel like a lot of the ideas I see (Mostly pinterest) are really basic-white girl-esque haha, some are just inappropriate (Hold my dress while I pee? Really?). Give me some ideas!

Just ask them directly: "Friend, I'm wondering if you would be willing to be my bridesmaid. It would mean a lot to me."

Wait until closer to your wedding, after they've already agreed to be your bridesmaids, to give them gifts. Don't give them gifts at the time you ask them or otherwise use cheesy gimmicks for the purpose of making the asking "special." That will only make them feel pressured to say yes, and if anyone has to say no, the more "special" you try to make the asking, the more awkward you'll make it for them.

Heffalump

With each of mine, I just asked each of them when I happened to already be talking to them, no big to-do or anything.  It worked really well. 

ETF: clarity

MesmrEwe

Just come out and ask - pick up the phone, go to lunch, go to dinner, go do an activity together...  Skip the gimmick type stuff...  Also, don't take it personally if someone turns you down because of even a lame reason...

PamBeesly524

Agree with PPs... I hadn't lurked much on TK when I asked my BMs and MOH, so I thought I had to do something cute.. Especially since they all lived far away from me. I seny my BMs cutesy gifts, and they liked them and all but it wasn't that exciting. However I was able to ask my MOH in person as we were getting together for a weekend, and asking her in person with no gimmicks or presents was way more rewarding and special than if I had sent her something in the mail. I got to explain why I wanted her to be my MOH and see her face when I asked. Honestly, the simpler the better!

thisismynickname2

MCmeow said:

I want to ask my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids in a special way but can't figure out how. I like the idea of giving them a gift with the question, something clever, but I feel like a lot of the ideas I see (Mostly pinterest) are really basic-white girl-esque haha, some are just inappropriate (Hold my dress while I pee? Really?). Give me some ideas!

Wait, what?

Asked my MOH/sister while we were at family dinner- "You know you're matron of honor, right?" Her: "Oh cool, I thought you'd ask x friend instead!"
Asked BM #1 while watching S&TC re-runs: "Oh yeah, you're obviously a bridesmaid." Her: "Awesome!"
Asked BM #2 while at happy hour: "You'll be a BM right." Her: "Duh, yay!!!" (glasses clink)

We always say on these boards to ask and be mindful that people may have reasons for saying no. It was just the nature of my relationship with these three women that them standing up for me was a foregone conclusion. There are two other times that I was more formally asked to be a BM over the phone, which is great and in both was a very touching moment. When my BM#2 got engaged, we had another "duh, you're a bridesmaid" moment, haha. 

jacques27

Gimmicks suck.  Just ask.  How do you ask other people to do things for you?  Do you send a Tonka truck to your friend when you are asking them to help you move?  Or decoupage a trinket box with pictures of an airplane so they pick you up from the airport?  No.  Gimmicks put pressure on people to say yes.  Just have a conversation with them and ask nicely telling them how much you value your relationship with them.  Non-gimmicky sincerity wins every time.

ShesSoCold

jacques27 said:

Gimmicks suck.  Just ask.  How do you ask other people to do things for you?  Do you send a Tonka truck to your friend when you are asking them to help you move?  Or decoupage a trinket box with pictures of an airplane so they pick you up from the airport?  No.  Gimmicks put pressure on people to say yes.  Just have a conversation with them and ask nicely telling them how much you value your relationship with them.  Non-gimmicky sincerity wins every time.

That sounds awesome.

JediElizabeth

ShesSoCold said:

jacques27 said:

Gimmicks suck.  Just ask.  How do you ask other people to do things for you?  Do you send a Tonka truck to your friend when you are asking them to help you move?  Or decoupage a trinket box with pictures of an airplane so they pick you up from the airport?  No.  Gimmicks put pressure on people to say yes.  Just have a conversation with them and ask nicely telling them how much you value your relationship with them.  Non-gimmicky sincerity wins every time.

That sounds awesome.

I can name at least 3 adult friends in their 30's who are more likely to help me move if I ask with a Tonka truck. Doubly so if I put a 6 pack in it. 

I think you just started a Pinterest trend...

MCmeow

That tonka truck idea is indeed awesome. I'm the first of my friends to get married so I came into this website a few months ago knowing nothing about weddings (and learning so much) so I thought it was a common/expected thing to give a small gift or something to "propose" to the bridesmaids. I blame Pinterest. Thanks for the advice everyone!

MCmeow

thisismynickname said:

MCmeow said:

I want to ask my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids in a special way but can't figure out how. I like the idea of giving them a gift with the question, something clever, but I feel like a lot of the ideas I see (Mostly pinterest) are really basic-white girl-esque haha, some are just inappropriate (Hold my dress while I pee? Really?). Give me some ideas!

Wait, what?

Asked my MOH/sister while we were at family dinner- "You know you're matron of honor, right?" Her: "Oh cool, I thought you'd ask x friend instead!"
Asked BM #1 while watching S&TC re-runs: "Oh yeah, you're obviously a bridesmaid." Her: "Awesome!"
Asked BM #2 while at happy hour: "You'll be a BM right." Her: "Duh, yay!!!" (glasses clink)

We always say on these boards to ask and be mindful that people may have reasons for saying no. It was just the nature of my relationship with these three women that them standing up for me was a foregone conclusion. There are two other times that I was more formally asked to be a BM over the phone, which is great and in both was a very touching moment. When my BM#2 got engaged, we had another "duh, you're a bridesmaid" moment, haha. 

Those sound like how my convos with them would naturally go haha. I know they have every right to say no but I also know through just knowing them that they would say yes, they basically expect to be a bridesmaid (but if for whatever reason they do say no, that'll be sad but fine! )

jenna8984

Yea, definitely not necessary. I was asked to be a MOH by text message and I was still totally thrilled!

drunkenwitch

MCmeow said:

thisismynickname said:

MCmeow said:

I want to ask my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids in a special way but can't figure out how. I like the idea of giving them a gift with the question, something clever, but I feel like a lot of the ideas I see (Mostly pinterest) are really basic-white girl-esque haha, some are just inappropriate (Hold my dress while I pee? Really?). Give me some ideas!

Wait, what?

Asked my MOH/sister while we were at family dinner- "You know you're matron of honor, right?" Her: "Oh cool, I thought you'd ask x friend instead!"
Asked BM #1 while watching S&TC re-runs: "Oh yeah, you're obviously a bridesmaid." Her: "Awesome!"
Asked BM #2 while at happy hour: "You'll be a BM right." Her: "Duh, yay!!!" (glasses clink)

We always say on these boards to ask and be mindful that people may have reasons for saying no. It was just the nature of my relationship with these three women that them standing up for me was a foregone conclusion. There are two other times that I was more formally asked to be a BM over the phone, which is great and in both was a very touching moment. When my BM#2 got engaged, we had another "duh, you're a bridesmaid" moment, haha. 

Those sound like how my convos with them would naturally go haha. I know they have every right to say no but I also know through just knowing them that they would say yes, they basically expect to be a bridesmaid (but if for whatever reason they do say no, that'll be sad but fine! )

You mean conversations not convos, which looks like convoys. Dammit, now the song is stuck in my head. Lords of Light, just ask them a grown ass woman.

[Deleted User]

I took one out for coffee & just asked her . My MOH who is my sister, I was over visiting talking about a few details and I just asked her. The other two, I invited to help me with dress shopping. After I picked out my dress we looked at a few BM dresses and I picked out some crazy ones and asked them if they would wear them if they were a BM, which of course they said no. Then I asked them if I promised to pick out a tasteful dress if they would be my BM.

MegEn1

I sent memes. I don't like feelings. 

jessicarose1988

My best friends wedding who I was just he MOH in this past fall asked us all in individually in a place that was meaningful to the both of us. For example, he asked me to be his MOH on his porch at his house since that is where the two of us spend a lot of our time together, drinking wine and shooting the breeze. He asked another bridesmaid at the bar where the two frequently hung out (haha!), and he asked another bridesmaid during a camping trip since that was something that they did together frequently.

I personally am not a fan either of the "gimmicks" and "proposals" to be a member of a bridal party, so I thought it was really sweet that he chose a place that meant something to both us to be a part of his big day. 

[Deleted User]

jessicarose1988 said:

My best friends wedding who I was just he MOH in this past fall asked us all in individually in a place that was meaningful to the both of us. For example, he asked me to be his MOH on his porch at his house since that is where the two of us spend a lot of our time together, drinking wine and shooting the breeze. He asked another bridesmaid at the bar where the two frequently hung out (haha!), and he asked another bridesmaid during a camping trip since that was something that they did together frequently.

I personally am not a fan either of the "gimmicks" and "proposals" to be a member of a bridal party, so I thought it was really sweet that he chose a place that meant something to both us to be a part of his big day. 

I just gotta say that I love that a groom is asking his best gals to be bridesmaids.

[Deleted User]

I only had two bridesmaids and I invited them both out to lunch.  One was my cousin and as she doesn't have any sisters, I'd always promised her (since childhood, we've always been close) that she could be a bridesmaid at my wedding.  The other was a friend and she was the one who set up the blind date that I met my hubby on.  How could I not have her as a bridesmaid?  While we were chatting, they asked how the wedding planning was going (which I hoped they would) and I said that that was why I had invited them to lunch ... they both got very excited and I said I'd love to have them by my side on such a special day.  They both accepted and then asked which one was going to be MoH.  I didn't want to offend either but knew I'd want the more organised of the two, so I told them that they could choose between themselves who was going to be MoH!  They looked at each other, burst out laughing and both said that they know who's the most organised and that was it!  All settled with no hard feelings.

Heffalump

Silvene said:

I only had two bridesmaids and I invited them both out to lunch.  One was my cousin and as she doesn't have any sisters, I'd always promised her (since childhood, we've always been close) that she could be a bridesmaid at my wedding.  The other was a friend and she was the one who set up the blind date that I met my hubby on.  How could I not have her as a bridesmaid?  While we were chatting, they asked how the wedding planning was going (which I hoped they would) and I said that that was why I had invited them to lunch ... they both got very excited and I said I'd love to have them by my side on such a special day.  They both accepted and then asked which one was going to be MoH.  I didn't want to offend either but knew I'd want the more organised of the two, so I told them that they could choose between themselves who was going to be MoH!  They looked at each other, burst out laughing and both said that they know who's the most organised and that was it!  All settled with no hard feelings.

What?  How organized do you have to be to get dressed and stand there?  Are you concerned that the less organized one isn't going to get up and dressed in time for the ceremony?

nerdwife

Heffalump said:

Silvene said:

I only had two bridesmaids and I invited them both out to lunch.  One was my cousin and as she doesn't have any sisters, I'd always promised her (since childhood, we've always been close) that she could be a bridesmaid at my wedding.  The other was a friend and she was the one who set up the blind date that I met my hubby on.  How could I not have her as a bridesmaid?  While we were chatting, they asked how the wedding planning was going (which I hoped they would) and I said that that was why I had invited them to lunch ... they both got very excited and I said I'd love to have them by my side on such a special day.  They both accepted and then asked which one was going to be MoH.  I didn't want to offend either but knew I'd want the more organised of the two, so I told them that they could choose between themselves who was going to be MoH!  They looked at each other, burst out laughing and both said that they know who's the most organised and that was it!  All settled with no hard feelings.

What?  How organized do you have to be to get dressed and stand there?  Are you concerned that the less organized one isn't going to get up and dressed in time for the ceremony?

This. Why did you resurrect a thread to give less-than-good advice? It's also awkward that you asked them together and then made them pick who would be MOH, not cute. You put them in a situation where neither could decline and where one had to make a decision you should be making.

MCmeow

Haha, yeah I forgot about this thread. Well I asked two of them already. During the family Christmas party before announcing my secret santa. All I said was "I have a question for you two, will you be my bridesmaids?" And they were so happy, it was actually pretty perfect. So thanks for the advice, it's true, it doesn't have to be complicated. One of them is also engaged so although I don't expect them to "have duties", we're helping each other in the preparation in an effort to make it fun

[Deleted User]

nerdwife said:

Heffalump said:

Silvene said:

I only had two bridesmaids and I invited them both out to lunch.  One was my cousin and as she doesn't have any sisters, I'd always promised her (since childhood, we've always been close) that she could be a bridesmaid at my wedding.  The other was a friend and she was the one who set up the blind date that I met my hubby on.  How could I not have her as a bridesmaid?  While we were chatting, they asked how the wedding planning was going (which I hoped they would) and I said that that was why I had invited them to lunch ... they both got very excited and I said I'd love to have them by my side on such a special day.  They both accepted and then asked which one was going to be MoH.  I didn't want to offend either but knew I'd want the more organised of the two, so I told them that they could choose between themselves who was going to be MoH!  They looked at each other, burst out laughing and both said that they know who's the most organised and that was it!  All settled with no hard feelings.

What?  How organized do you have to be to get dressed and stand there?  Are you concerned that the less organized one isn't going to get up and dressed in time for the ceremony?

This. Why did you resurrect a thread to give less-than-good advice? It's also awkward that you asked them together and then made them pick who would be MOH, not cute. You put them in a situation where neither could decline and where one had to make a decision you should be making.

Agreed.  That's actually pretty gross.  "Go ahead and decide amongst yourselves which of you I want to honor most by giving you the most work to do to get the "honor"."  Ick.

Knottie1456058884

I think it's nice, budget permitting, to either take them to drinks/dinner, or give a little gift when asking.  People sacrifice to be in a wedding and spend a chunk of change as well.  A little gift is a nice way to say, "I appreciate you and  the sacrifices you will make to be in my wedding."  It doesn't have to be anything crazy, even a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store is a nice gesture.

TrixieJess

adk19 said:

nerdwife said:

Heffalump said:

Silvene said:

I only had two bridesmaids and I invited them both out to lunch.  One was my cousin and as she doesn't have any sisters, I'd always promised her (since childhood, we've always been close) that she could be a bridesmaid at my wedding.  The other was a friend and she was the one who set up the blind date that I met my hubby on.  How could I not have her as a bridesmaid?  While we were chatting, they asked how the wedding planning was going (which I hoped they would) and I said that that was why I had invited them to lunch ... they both got very excited and I said I'd love to have them by my side on such a special day.  They both accepted and then asked which one was going to be MoH.  I didn't want to offend either but knew I'd want the more organised of the two, so I told them that they could choose between themselves who was going to be MoH!  They looked at each other, burst out laughing and both said that they know who's the most organised and that was it!  All settled with no hard feelings.

What?  How organized do you have to be to get dressed and stand there?  Are you concerned that the less organized one isn't going to get up and dressed in time for the ceremony?

This. Why did you resurrect a thread to give less-than-good advice? It's also awkward that you asked them together and then made them pick who would be MOH, not cute. You put them in a situation where neither could decline and where one had to make a decision you should be making.

Agreed.  That's actually pretty gross.  "Go ahead and decide amongst yourselves which of you I want to honor most by giving you the most work to do to get the "honor"."  Ick.

So y'all are saying the cage match I have set up, Thunderdome style, is not appropriate? Dammit, I was using ticket sales to raise money for the wedding. 

Off the list it goes...

MairePoppy

This thread is like 'The Song That Never Ends.'
@Scribe95

MCmeow

Damn this thread is so olddddd. Haha. If anyone is curious or if anyone is thinking of doing the same thing I ended up asking two of them (cousins) on Christmas Eve (We do secret Santa at our family so before I announced my gift I popped the question, they loved it, went crazy and were so happy). Then for my best friend we went to one of our favorite restaurants, a little British brunch place (She loves British stuff) and I popped the question over a cup of tea, she was shocked and so honored. They were all very happy and I'm happy I kept it simple, it felt genuine and sweeter that way.