Wedding Etiquette Forum

Had to Share

H and I just got invited to a friend's August wedding that is in a very rural location.  Because of limited hotel space the bride and groom decided who gets to stay in hotels and who has to rent houses.  We were part of the lucky group that was "chosen" to stay in a house, this house is not nice, it does not have air conditioning, (it also means a security deposit, requires cleaning, and us bringing food, sheets, towels etc.) and is more than double the price of the hotels.  When H told his friend we simply cannot afford the house and would need to stay in a hotel he flipped.  It has been over a month since they have spoken and the groom has been running his mouth about us since.  I would like to politely decline this wedding.
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Re: Had to Share

  • H and I just got invited to a friend's August wedding that is in a very rural location.  Because of limited hotel space the bride and groom decided who gets to stay in hotels and who has to rent houses.  We were part of the lucky group that was "chosen" to stay in a house, this house is not nice, it does not have air conditioning, (it also means a security deposit, requires cleaning, and us bringing food, sheets, towels etc.) and is more than double the price of the hotels.  When H told his friend we simply cannot afford the house and would need to stay in a hotel he flipped.  It has been over a month since they have spoken and the groom has been running his mouth about us since.  I would like to politely decline this wedding.


    This is weird and I have so many questions!

    1. Are you supposed to share the house with anyone else?  If yes, how were those other people chosen.

    2. What happens if you end up not being able to attend?  Does that screw other people who were going to stay in the house into paying more? 

    3. Why politely decline?  An invitation is not a subpoena, just send back the RSVP with a no.  But, this G sounds like a jackass for running his mouth about you.  If I were your H, we'd be having words.

    4. How were you all supposed to pay for the house?  Directly to the B&G or to the homeowner?

  • Seriously.  They sound crazy.

    What kind of person required guests to stay somewhere?    






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • So they told people where they were going to stay and how much it was going to cost them to stay there before they even had RSVPs? (Not to mention the fact that they are spending other people's money without talking to them first)  So if others decline will they react the same way?  Sounds to me this couple made a shit ton of reservations just assuming that people will be okay with it only to now discover that is just not true.  Sucks for them.  I wouldn't be politely declining anything.  I would be sending back the RSVP with a big fat "No" and then not talking to them again.

  • H and I just got invited to a friend's August wedding that is in a very rural location.  Because of limited hotel space the bride and groom decided who gets to stay in hotels and who has to rent houses.  We were part of the lucky group that was "chosen" to stay in a house, this house is not nice, it does not have air conditioning, (it also means a security deposit, requires cleaning, and us bringing food, sheets, towels etc.) and is more than double the price of the hotels.  When H told his friend we simply cannot afford the house and would need to stay in a hotel he flipped.  It has been over a month since they have spoken and the groom has been running his mouth about us since.  I would like to politely decline this wedding.
    I bet he flipped because B&G were already getting a lot of grief for their decisions!

    Send back the RSVP card with "No." You know he's running his mouth, which is terribly rude; if any other friends confront you both the simple answer is, "Regrettably we can't make it. Hope everyone has a great time! Have you tried the bean dip?"
    ________________________________


  • The people are chosen by groups of friends.  If you cannot attend or don't stay in the house the cost goes up for the others, which is part of the reason why the groom was so mad at my H. They assigned houses through a realtor which is who we would be paying.  The original cost was $560/couple but went up to $650 when another one of H's friend's couldn't afford it (this was prior to us saying no the the house).  The groom told my H I am sorry you have to spend more than other guests but it is what it is because you know other people attending and the rest of the rooms are for the caterers and wedding planners. 
  • banana468 said:
    I think you have a way for everyone chosen for that house to save some money.
    I'm all for assigned tables - but assigned accommodations? Nope. And the groom badmouthing his guests - GTFO.

    Totally agree with Banana. If I were you I'd get in touch with the other couples "assigned" to that house and all agree to decline together. 
  • Looks like you're declining the wedding and possibly ending the friendship.  That's some real bullshit.  


    image
  • Yea - sounds like a decline and a toaster shipped is the way to go...  The groom needs to be put in his place because he didn't consult people before making these decisions for others who may or may not be able to attend.  It's not like someone is in the WP and they're paying for the house they'll be staying and turning them down because you want a place with AC to stay at for 1/4 the price.. 

    For $560 I expect at least 4-5 nights in a hotel with continental or hot breakfast, Heat/AC, door to the hallway, and a pool...  Honestly, I'd drive an hour each way to the nearest hotel in my budget.  His lack of planning doesn't equal your requirement to use someplace you truly can't afford!!!

    Sounds a bit BSC to say the least...


  • The people are chosen by groups of friends.  If you cannot attend or don't stay in the house the cost goes up for the others, which is part of the reason why the groom was so mad at my H. They assigned houses through a realtor which is who we would be paying.  The original cost was $560/couple but went up to $650 when another one of H's friend's couldn't afford it (this was prior to us saying no the the house).  The groom told my H I am sorry you have to spend more than other guests but it is what it is because you know other people attending and the rest of the rooms are for the caterers and wedding planners. 
    Are you f-ing kidding me?? How many nights are you supposed to stay there? Or is this a week-long wedding "event"??

  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited December 2015
    TNDancer said:

    He is reserving rooms for the caterers?????

    I'm sure that's because he's paying for the caterers to travel to this location. Probably a little tighter with their own money than with other people's.
  • Is this, by any chance, one of those special destination weddings?  Oooh, how romantic!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • I'd RSVP no and consider the wedding and the "friendship" a bullet dodged.
  • lyndausvi said:
    $650 and climbing (assuming others back out).    For how many nights?   Where is it located?  

    A beach house in Avalon NJ (rich area) peak of summer for a week can run $10,000 and it sleeps 9 people.  So that brings the costs to about $158 per night per person.    

    "Your" place must be one hell of a place for that kind of money.

    I've rented houses at the beach or cabins in remote areas before where I had to bring my own linens and food.   So that part doesn't bother me too much.  But again it's depends on the place and location.

     However, I've CHOSEN on my own to rent those places.  I wasn't TOLD.  That is the big difference.

    Newp, she already said it doesn't even have AC.

    Hell to the no.  No thanks to spending my money on shitty accommodations, no thanks to assuming I want to play college dorm room when traveling to a wedding as an adult, no thinks to the Groom being an all around dick.  No thanks to this wedding and friendship.

    Bye, Felicia.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • It would be a 3 day rental, but we cannot stay 3 days because of work.  AND we would have to share a bathroom with the other guests.  The wedding is about a 4 hour drive so thankfully it does not involve a plane. 
  • I assume the price is so highly because you are also paying the share for the caterers and planners (because I would hope they wouldn't make them pay)
  • I'm curious how they enforce this. Unless they have already booked all the hotel rooms, what's to stop you from just also booking a hotel room?

    I'd straight up decline, personally.
    Otherwise, see if there are any hotels less than an hour away and stay at one of those; leave the reception early if need be.
    Alternatively see if you can secure your own house/cabin rental in the area, possibly going in on it with other friends who you'd otherwise be sharing the backwoods hell hole with. There could be better stuff out there. The realtor may just be milking this for all its worth... a place that she normally has trouble renting out where she'd get a great commission, with a rude couple that are happy to spend other people's money and are too lazy to look into something better.

    If you do end up going and spending way more than you should (don't do it!) then I'd be supplementing it with any money you had budgeted for a wedding gift. Card only.
  • This is probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. I'm not even sure how to process it.

  • Holy crap!!

    I would absolutely decline to attend, and strongly consider ending the friendship.

    The B&G have NO right to tell guests where they will be staying, how long, and how much they need to pay. 

    While some couples may offer accommodations- it is just that, an offer, and any budget needs to be cleared with the guests first- not dictated.

    The fact that the Groom had such a hissy fit would make me not want to stay friends with this person. How can he think it OK for someone to spend $560-650? 

    Geeeeez..... talk about poor life skills. 
  • I shudder to think what the wedding itself will be like if this is how they're already treating their guests. 

    If I were in your situation, OP, I'd decline the wedding and cut this couple out of your lives. Anyone who would talk trash about a friend because they can't afford ridiculously priced accommodations doesn't deserve your friendship.
    image
  • But wouldn't that make the B&G unhappy people. Because I'm sure OP is not the only one not happy about the arrangement.
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