Rude to skip wedding to prepare for mine?

PrettyGirlLost

holyguacamole79 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

KnickerGold said:

They are close friends, see each other a few times a month, which considering they live over an hour apart, is pretty good IMO!

*I* just haven't seen him in 2 years... which is why I don't consider him a friend of mine. Surprisingly, we don't do everything together! We both have our own hobbies (show jumping, mountain biking) which in addition to work, take up the majority of our time! 

You are still entirely missing the point.

Your FI's close friend is being a dick and disrespecting your FI.  How you feel about it, the fact that you don't consider this dude a friend, that you never see him, that you and your FI aren't joined at the hip is entirely irrelevant to the point I'm trying to make.

This friend is still treating your FI like crap.  That's a shame.  I don't like it when my close friends treat me like crap.

Out of curiosity, what do you propose @KnickerGold does?  She has told her FI that what this couple is doing is rude.  Do you suggest that OP INSIST that FI scold his friend?  Should OP INSIST that her FI not attend the wedding in protest?  

And honestly, if this happened to me, I'd be irked and I would think that the bride & groom were complete asshats.  If I found out that the B&G decided to extend this stupid-ass "rule" to all non-married couples, I'd roll my eyes and think that they were alienating a bunch of people.  

I would consider it to be disrespecting if the B&G singled me out and said "oh, we refuse to invite HolyGuacamole because ______."  

But they're not doing that.  

I don't propose she do anything, other than let FI know this irks her, if it does.

I never said she needed to do anything. I was giving my opinion, that's it. I was just, you know, discussing on a discussion board :-)

PrettyGirlLost

AddieCake said:

He doesn't feel disrespected? I can't wrap my brain around your fiancé not feeling disrespected that his "close friend" isn't inviting the woman he is marrying a week later to this wedding.

Ugh, I agree.

AddieCake

I would not have a problem if my SO went to this wedding w/o me if I had been invited and couldn't go. I would, however, take issue with him if I wasn't invited and he went anyway. So basically I think the bride and groom are jerks, your fiancé should feel disgusted, and he should not want to go w/o you. 

holyguacamole79

PrettyGirlLost said:

I don't propose she do anything, other than let FI know this irks her, if it does. I never said she needed to do anything. I was giving my opinion, that's it. I was just, you know, discussing on a discussion board :-)

hahaha.  Gotcha

JediElizabeth

This feels like such drama-mongering.

Yes, the B&G were rude. But not relationship ending rude, IMHO. And that's a call based on opinion. I'd definitely validate someone upset about this, but in this case, good on @KnickerGold for shrugging it off and concentrating on things that actually matter to her.

Why try to convince someone to be upset and offended when she's not? Why take relief at not having to deal with one kind of drama and turn it into indignation and another type of drama? What's the point?

madamerwin

JediElizabeth said:

This feels like such drama-mongering. Yes, the B&G were rude. But not relationship ending rude, IMHO. And that's a call based on opinion. I'd definitely validate someone upset about this, but in this case, good on @KnickerGold for shrugging it off and concentrating on things that actually matter to her. Why try to convince someone to be upset and offended when she's not? Why take relief at not having to deal with one kind of drama and turn it into indignation and another type of drama? What's the point?

I have to agree with you on this one. PERSONALLY, if this happened to me, I would be pissed, and I would make sure my H knew how incredibly rude it was. And I think H would most likely call out his close friend for doing something like that.

However, if OP seriously is not offended, and her FI wants to go to the wedding, that's their prerogative. If FI is not hurt by this, I see no reason to bring it up with his friend. Will other people possibly be offended? Sure, but if so that will be on them to talk to the B&G about it.

PrettyGirlLost

JediElizabeth said:

This feels like such drama-mongering.

Yes, the B&G were rude. But not relationship ending rude, IMHO. And that's a call based on opinion. I'd definitely validate someone upset about this, but in this case, good on @KnickerGold for shrugging it off and concentrating on things that actually matter to her.

Why try to convince someone to be upset and offended when she's not? Why take relief at not having to deal with one kind of drama and turn it into indignation and another type of drama? What's the point?

Drama mongering, lawl.

What parts of "if it were me" etc. do you guys not get? Again, I was expressing an opinion because this is a discussion board. I was discussing why I think the FI's friend is a shitty friend.

madamerwin

@PrettyGirlLost  I was not directing my comment at you, and I get you're just giving your opinion - as was I. it just seems like a number of people on this thread are stuck on the fact that OP is not bothered by FI's friend's actions and SHOULD be upset. But if she and FI really aren't bothered, good for them for being the bigger people.

PrettyGirlLost

madamerwin said:

@PrettyGirlLost  I was not directing my comment at you, and I get you're just giving your opinion - as was I. it just seems like a number of people on this thread are stuck on the fact that OP is not bothered by FI's friend's actions and SHOULD be upset. But if she and FI really aren't bothered, good for them for being the bigger people.

I gotcha. I was one of the last ppl to comment, so I thought you might be referring to me.

JediElizabeth

PrettyGirlLost said:

madamerwin said:

@PrettyGirlLost  I was not directing my comment at you, and I get you're just giving your opinion - as was I. it just seems like a number of people on this thread are stuck on the fact that OP is not bothered by FI's friend's actions and SHOULD be upset. But if she and FI really aren't bothered, good for them for being the bigger people.

I gotcha. I was one of the last ppl to comment, so I thought you might be referring to me.

Ditto @madamerwin. I was referring specifically to the people who were telling OP how she should be upset/have her FI call out his friend/etc.

PrettyGirlLost

My bad!!

KnickerGold

madamerwin said:

@PrettyGirlLost  I was not directing my comment at you, and I get you're just giving your opinion - as was I. it just seems like a number of people on this thread are stuck on the fact that OP is not bothered by FI's friend's actions and SHOULD be upset. But if she and FI really aren't bothered, good for them for being the bigger people.

Thank you! And @holyguacamole79 and @JediElizabeth ! 

MissMidtown

Would your FI know if this couple's coworkers/boss are invited? The only other reason I would think to tell them is to not hurt their professional reputations by not inviting SOs.
Otherwise, if you are happy not confronting this situation, don't.
Just wanted to bring up something I didn't see mentioned.

KnickerGold

MissMidtown said:

Would your FI know if this couple's coworkers/boss are invited? The only other reason I would think to tell them is to not hurt their professional reputations by not inviting SOs.
Otherwise, if you are happy not confronting this situation, don't.
Just wanted to bring up something I didn't see mentioned.

Couldn't even begin to guess what either of them do for work (if they work?) maybe FI knows...

delujm0

i'm of the camp that yes, this was horribly rude, and that should be pointed out on here so that lurkers don't make the same mistake - but i can understand why OP doens't really care, seeing as she didn't want to go to the wedding anyway.  At least she doesn't have to be worried about hurting feelings by skipping it.

 

Her FI should feel disrespected, but he probably is kind of relieved that he won't have to make up an excuse when he gets to this wedding about why his SO couldn't make it.

 

That being said, i'd probably feel similarly to OP in her position...however i would also make a snide remark to the bride the following weekend at my own wedding.  Something like "oh, it's so nice to finally meet you!  good thing you got married last weekend, or who knows when we would have met!" implying that if they weren't yet married, the wife wouldn't have been invited.  that would have at least driven the point home that it is completely insane that OP wasn't invited to their wedding 7 days earlier.  And that it was probably hurtful.  But based on the description of the bride in this case, i don't think i'd ever want to be friends with her anyway.  i'm sure this isn't the only selfish, rude thing she's ever done.

KnickerGold

delujm0 said:

i'm of the camp that yes, this was horribly rude, and that should be pointed out on here so that lurkers don't make the same mistake - but i can understand why OP doens't really care, seeing as she didn't want to go to the wedding anyway.  At least she doesn't have to be worried about hurting feelings by skipping it.

 

Her FI should feel disrespected, but he probably is kind of relieved that he won't have to make up an excuse when he gets to this wedding about why his SO couldn't make it.

 

That being said, i'd probably feel similarly to OP in her position...however i would also make a snide remark to the bride the following weekend at my own wedding.  Something like "oh, it's so nice to finally meet you!  good thing you got married last weekend, or who knows when we would have met!" implying that if they weren't yet married, the wife wouldn't have been invited.  that would have at least driven the point home that it is completely insane that OP wasn't invited to their wedding 7 days earlier.  And that it was probably hurtful.  But based on the description of the bride in this case, i don't think i'd ever want to be friends with her anyway.  i'm sure this isn't the only selfish, rude thing she's ever done.

I still don't get why my FI *must* feel one way or another... moving on.

I don't plan on saying anything to the bride. I'll host my wedding appropriately and be kind to any guest who is happy to join us on a special day!

banana468

KnickerGold said:

delujm0 said:

i'm of the camp that yes, this was horribly rude, and that should be pointed out on here so that lurkers don't make the same mistake - but i can understand why OP doens't really care, seeing as she didn't want to go to the wedding anyway.  At least she doesn't have to be worried about hurting feelings by skipping it.

 

Her FI should feel disrespected, but he probably is kind of relieved that he won't have to make up an excuse when he gets to this wedding about why his SO couldn't make it.

 

That being said, i'd probably feel similarly to OP in her position...however i would also make a snide remark to the bride the following weekend at my own wedding.  Something like "oh, it's so nice to finally meet you!  good thing you got married last weekend, or who knows when we would have met!" implying that if they weren't yet married, the wife wouldn't have been invited.  that would have at least driven the point home that it is completely insane that OP wasn't invited to their wedding 7 days earlier.  And that it was probably hurtful.  But based on the description of the bride in this case, i don't think i'd ever want to be friends with her anyway.  i'm sure this isn't the only selfish, rude thing she's ever done.

I still don't get why my FI *must* feel one way or another... moving on.

I don't plan on saying anything to the bride. I'll host my wedding appropriately and be kind to any guest who is happy to join us on a special day!

I think a lot of posters are adamant about this because  of the feeling that you should support your spouse and the social unit you are.

So when someone doesn't invite your SO, whether that person is a BF, FI or a H, it's blatantly disrespectful.   And of all the times to not invite social units, it's bass ackwards to do so when the event is a wedding.    If you want others to celebrate your never-ending love and affection, don't you want to honor their love and affection?   To not simply makes no sense.

And your FI has been disrespected because his FI isn't welcome.   So he should be upset that he's been disrespected.    

lyndausvi

Meh,   Of course she should have been invited.   However,  in THIS CASE it's a blessing.   She didn't want to go because of her own wedding.  She barely even knows the couple.   Her FI would have gone by himself anyway.  

Now they do not have to explain why she isn't there, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she not going. (since she started the thread I'm guessing there was a little guilt going on).

I think it's a little silly to try and force them into feeling something they do not.  Her not being invited, while rude, actually helps them out.  The feelings that they/she do not have to choose anymore outweigh the fact the couple is being rude.     


LURKERS - just because this couple is okay with one of them not being invited doesn't make it right not to invite not to invite SO's.  SO need to be invited always.     I'm sure other guests will be upset.  It just happens for this couple it's a okay.   The next wedding the OP gets invite to she might have stronger feelings on the subject.   

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

Meh,   Of course she should have been invited.   However,  in THIS CASE it's a blessing.   She didn't want to go because of her own wedding.  She barely even knows the couple.   Her FI would have gone by himself anyway.  

Now they do not have to explain why she isn't there, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she not going. (since she started the thread I'm guessing there was a little guilt going on).

I think it's a little silly to try and force them into feeling something they do not.  Her not being invited, while rude, actually helps them out.  The feelings that they/she doesn't have to choose anymore outweigh the fact the couple is being rude.     


LURKERS - just because this couple is okay with one of them not being invited doesn't make it right not to invite not to invite SO's.  SO need to be invited always.     I'm sure other guests will be upset.  It just happens for this couple it's a okay.   The next wedding the OP gets invite to she might have stronger feelings on the subject.   

This.  Obviously OP and her FI both know that what this couple is doing is rude.  But they have decided to just let it go and not effect them.  I mean not everyone is ready to jump and end a friendship just because of a dick ass move.  I think that as long as OP and her FI are on the same page and they are happy then it really shouldn't matter if she or her FI are feeling a way that a forum deems acceptable.

banana468

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

Meh,   Of course she should have been invited.   However,  in THIS CASE it's a blessing.   She didn't want to go because of her own wedding.  She barely even knows the couple.   Her FI would have gone by himself anyway.  

Now they do not have to explain why she isn't there, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she not going. (since she started the thread I'm guessing there was a little guilt going on).

I think it's a little silly to try and force them into feeling something they do not.  Her not being invited, while rude, actually helps them out.  The feelings that they/she doesn't have to choose anymore outweigh the fact the couple is being rude.     


LURKERS - just because this couple is okay with one of them not being invited doesn't make it right not to invite not to invite SO's.  SO need to be invited always.     I'm sure other guests will be upset.  It just happens for this couple it's a okay.   The next wedding the OP gets invite to she might have stronger feelings on the subject.   

This.  Obviously OP and her FI both know that what this couple is doing is rude.  But they have decided to just let it go and not effect them.  I mean not everyone is ready to jump and end a friendship just because of a dick ass move.  I think that as long as OP and her FI are on the same page and they are happy then it really shouldn't matter if she or her FI are feeling a way that a forum deems acceptable.

FWIW I agree with that too.

I'm married to a peacemaker.   Unless it's actually affecting us he probably wouldn't say a thing.   

lyndausvi

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

Meh,   Of course she should have been invited.   However,  in THIS CASE it's a blessing.   She didn't want to go because of her own wedding.  She barely even knows the couple.   Her FI would have gone by himself anyway.  

Now they do not have to explain why she isn't there, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she not going. (since she started the thread I'm guessing there was a little guilt going on).

I think it's a little silly to try and force them into feeling something they do not.  Her not being invited, while rude, actually helps them out.  The feelings that they/she doesn't have to choose anymore outweigh the fact the couple is being rude.     


LURKERS - just because this couple is okay with one of them not being invited doesn't make it right not to invite not to invite SO's.  SO need to be invited always.     I'm sure other guests will be upset.  It just happens for this couple it's a okay.   The next wedding the OP gets invite to she might have stronger feelings on the subject.   

This.  Obviously OP and her FI both know that what this couple is doing is rude.  But they have decided to just let it go and not effect them.  I mean not everyone is ready to jump and end a friendship just because of a dick ass move.  I think that as long as OP and her FI are on the same page and they are happy then it really shouldn't matter if she or her FI are feeling a way that a forum deems acceptable.

Say they make a stink.   Then the couple says "you are right, she is invited."    Now what?  SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.  So they will look like asses fighting for an invite that isn't going to be used anyway. 

It's not their job to fight for all unmarried couples at the wedding.  

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

Meh,   Of course she should have been invited.   However,  in THIS CASE it's a blessing.   She didn't want to go because of her own wedding.  She barely even knows the couple.   Her FI would have gone by himself anyway.  

Now they do not have to explain why she isn't there, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she not going. (since she started the thread I'm guessing there was a little guilt going on).

I think it's a little silly to try and force them into feeling something they do not.  Her not being invited, while rude, actually helps them out.  The feelings that they/she doesn't have to choose anymore outweigh the fact the couple is being rude.     


LURKERS - just because this couple is okay with one of them not being invited doesn't make it right not to invite not to invite SO's.  SO need to be invited always.     I'm sure other guests will be upset.  It just happens for this couple it's a okay.   The next wedding the OP gets invite to she might have stronger feelings on the subject.   

This.  Obviously OP and her FI both know that what this couple is doing is rude.  But they have decided to just let it go and not effect them.  I mean not everyone is ready to jump and end a friendship just because of a dick ass move.  I think that as long as OP and her FI are on the same page and they are happy then it really shouldn't matter if she or her FI are feeling a way that a forum deems acceptable.

Say they make a stink.   Then the couple says "you are right, she is invited."    Now what?  SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.  So they will look like asses fighting for an invite that isn't going to be used anyway. 

It's not their job to fight for all unmarried couples at the wedding.  

This is not directed at Lyndah, but I'm quoting her because I have seen similar statements all over these boards. . .

You guys (general and lurkers) all know there's a huge difference between "making a stink" and directly communicating to a friend or family member when you have an issue with how they are behaving towards you or have an issue with something they are doing, right?

Also, bringing up an issue with a friend or family member is not automatically synonymous with ending a relationship.

lyndausvi

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

Meh,   Of course she should have been invited.   However,  in THIS CASE it's a blessing.   She didn't want to go because of her own wedding.  She barely even knows the couple.   Her FI would have gone by himself anyway.  

Now they do not have to explain why she isn't there, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she not going. (since she started the thread I'm guessing there was a little guilt going on).

I think it's a little silly to try and force them into feeling something they do not.  Her not being invited, while rude, actually helps them out.  The feelings that they/she doesn't have to choose anymore outweigh the fact the couple is being rude.     


LURKERS - just because this couple is okay with one of them not being invited doesn't make it right not to invite not to invite SO's.  SO need to be invited always.     I'm sure other guests will be upset.  It just happens for this couple it's a okay.   The next wedding the OP gets invite to she might have stronger feelings on the subject.   

This.  Obviously OP and her FI both know that what this couple is doing is rude.  But they have decided to just let it go and not effect them.  I mean not everyone is ready to jump and end a friendship just because of a dick ass move.  I think that as long as OP and her FI are on the same page and they are happy then it really shouldn't matter if she or her FI are feeling a way that a forum deems acceptable.

Say they make a stink.   Then the couple says "you are right, she is invited."    Now what?  SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.  So they will look like asses fighting for an invite that isn't going to be used anyway. 

It's not their job to fight for all unmarried couples at the wedding.  

This is not directed at Lyndah, but I'm quoting her because I have seen similar statements all over these boards. . .

You guys (general and lurkers) all know there's a huge difference between "making a stink" and directly communicating to a friend or family member when you have an issue with how they are behaving towards you or have an issue with something they are doing, right?

Also, bringing up an issue with a friend or family member is not automatically synonymous with ending a relationship.

I agree.  

Sadly The Knot forums have proven over and over again that if a guest questions a couple's wedding plans it often turns into a "stink".  Should be that way, but it's clear from being on here it often does.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

lyndausvi said:

Meh,   Of course she should have been invited.   However,  in THIS CASE it's a blessing.   She didn't want to go because of her own wedding.  She barely even knows the couple.   Her FI would have gone by himself anyway.  

Now they do not have to explain why she isn't there, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she not going. (since she started the thread I'm guessing there was a little guilt going on).

I think it's a little silly to try and force them into feeling something they do not.  Her not being invited, while rude, actually helps them out.  The feelings that they/she doesn't have to choose anymore outweigh the fact the couple is being rude.     


LURKERS - just because this couple is okay with one of them not being invited doesn't make it right not to invite not to invite SO's.  SO need to be invited always.     I'm sure other guests will be upset.  It just happens for this couple it's a okay.   The next wedding the OP gets invite to she might have stronger feelings on the subject.   

This.  Obviously OP and her FI both know that what this couple is doing is rude.  But they have decided to just let it go and not effect them.  I mean not everyone is ready to jump and end a friendship just because of a dick ass move.  I think that as long as OP and her FI are on the same page and they are happy then it really shouldn't matter if she or her FI are feeling a way that a forum deems acceptable.

Say they make a stink.   Then the couple says "you are right, she is invited."    Now what?  SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.  So they will look like asses fighting for an invite that isn't going to be used anyway. 

It's not their job to fight for all unmarried couples at the wedding.  

This is not directed at Lyndah, but I'm quoting her because I have seen similar statements all over these boards. . .

You guys (general and lurkers) all know there's a huge difference between "making a stink" and directly communicating to a friend or family member when you have an issue with how they are behaving towards you or have an issue with something they are doing, right?

Also, bringing up an issue with a friend or family member is not automatically synonymous with ending a relationship.

I agree.  

Sadly The Knot forums have proven over and over again that if a guest questions a couple's wedding plans it often turns into a "stink".  Should be that way, but it's clear from being on here it often does.

I'd say a forum that focuses on weddings tends to attract some pretty petty and entitled people ;-)

AddieCake

I'm not trying to force either of them to feel a certain way; I just think it's strange they don't feel disrespected. I would feel disrespected, both by the couple and by my SO who goes to a wedding I'm not invited to. 

KnickerGold

AddieCake said:

I'm not trying to force either of them to feel a certain way; I just think it's strange they don't feel disrespected. I would feel disrespected, both by the couple and by my SO who goes to a wedding I'm not invited to. 

I get that. I do. But that doesn't make FI a lesser person for not feeling that way. Which is the impression I'm getting from a lot of you - that my FI doesn't care about me/my feelings/our relationship because he (nor I) are upset that I (who did not want to go to the wedding) am not invited to a wedding where I'll only be able to point out the bride cause she'll be in a white dress.