Little rant - need to get this out before throwing my tablet at someone

blueeyedkat

I'm so over wedding planning, I just want it done. The date cannot come soon enough.

So I got in touch with a bartender that a coworker used, and highly recommended. Got a quote from him, talked about what I'd like, etc. Good communication. Got the contract, was a bit of a sticker shock, but it's pretty much for labor only, and he threw in 3 water containers for flavored water, and 2 wine buckets. So he charges $40/hr for his services, and $30 for servers/barbacks. I kind of expected it, but not really I guess. Frustrating, but okay, w/e. Tell FH about this, show him the contract/quote, and he doesn't like it. His friend - someone I wish I can drown in the ocean - who works in hospitality is telling him that that's too pricy, blah blah. We're in the most expensive area of the COUNTRY!!! We're on budget, actually, under budget so far by like 3k. FH wants more options.

K. Sure. We're only 2-ish months away. No bigs. Who gets to research? I do. Yay! /s

So the last few days I've been contacting bartender services in the area, and they're either all booked, or are all inclusive only, and others are telling me they need more servers, a few haven't gotten back to me. Including the original guy, I've contacted 7 bartenders, 4 are out instantly. Two have follow up questions, but I'm dreading their quotes, and I have one more to contact tomorrow. So I'm just frustrated.

Then on to the transportation. My mom told me that the venue is too far away for my family (40-45 min away drive), and that some people may not be able to make it because of that. That it's also a friday, so school for some kids, may not be able to take day off work, blah blah. ... Yeah, that's why I sent out the STD SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE (though online, but paperless post shows who read it, and all but two - my two attorneys that I work for - have read it). FFS, can they really not request 1 day, just one freaking day, to go to the wedding. They go to plenty of other places that far away, but this they're going to the East Bay, instead of the Peninsula, so it's "different". Mom suggested she pay for transportation from our city to the venue. For about 15 people ish. Yeah, so I contacted transportation ppls for quotes based on time and service, and none are cheaper than $700. I don't think she realized how expensive it is. I'm tempted to suggest that I can get a Lyft plus for $160 total to pick up 5 people (mom, two aunts, two uncles) from the City and drive them back. I need to have this talk with her tonight or tomorrow. The other 10 are cousins who know how to drive, drive that distance in other direction for wine tastings, work, other friend events. They can figure it out. I have driving directions on the website. They also can google map it. 

Okay. Than you for letting me rant.

On a bright note, we're doing donuts from our fave place instead of cake. Win. (Guess who had to get a quote for that one too? Mainly because I briefly looked into bakeries, and decided it's not worth my time to quote them and then arrange tastings.)

bethsmiles

Sounds like a major headache! I'm getting married on a Friday as well but almost the whole guest list is OOT anyway so I figure people either come or they don't but I'm not gonna worry about it! How would your mom paying for transportation really help with the whole Friday wedding issue anyway? I'd just tell her to forget about, either they come or they don't and you'll have a fabulous wedding either way.

glasgowtolondon

Surely the problem of a Friday wedding is people taking time off work, not the actual travel itself? Transport is a nice thing to provide but not necessary. If people want to make it they will, you make your choices and let the chips fall where they may. That's all you can do!

You sound pretty bitter that you are doing all the research, but then you are just doing it without demanding your FI helps. Its his wedding too! If mum wants to provide transport then let her do it. If FI wants a different bartender from the one you found then repeat after me 'I have done my research, if you are not happy let me know how you get on with yours'. If you stop doing all the work and actually ask people (FI, mum where she wants to add something) then you will probably stop being upset that its only you doing all the work.

LondonLisa

glasgowtolondon said:

Surely the problem of a Friday wedding is people taking time off work, not the actual travel itself? Transport is a nice thing to provide but not necessary. If people want to make it they will, you make your choices and let the chips fall where they may. That's all you can do! You sound pretty bitter that you are doing all the research, but then you are just doing it without demanding your FI helps. Its his wedding too! If mum wants to provide transport then let her do it. If FI wants a different bartender from the one you found then repeat after me 'I have done my research, if you are not happy let me know how you get on with yours'. If you stop doing all the work and actually ask people (FI, mum where she wants to add something) then you will probably stop being upset that its only you doing all the work.

Ditto this. It seems like you are playing the martyr in all of this. 

Your response to fi should have been: "OK, I'd love to hear your option so please get me a full quote that outlines XYZ you are happy with by Saturday so we can look them both over and make a decision." No quote by saturday, sorry, he had the chance to book it.

Regarding transportation, just say "Mom, I don;t have time to organise and look into it, but if you think it is important, please pull together a few options you think would be good and I will consider it".

But really, your attitude about your guests is pretty rubbish. Friday weddings in a city, that requires crosstown trave are inconvenient. I'm sorry, but you knew that when you booked it. You can't have your cake (cheaper wedding) and eat it too (not make concessions that you will get declines and people might complain about taking time off or coming straight from work). This is not new information and no one forced you to have a friday wedding. And you certainly can't complain that people aren't taking the day off of work for your wedding!

blueeyedkat

I completely agree. That's how I approached the venue search. I did my research, then he said he'd like to explore other options, to which I said, that's all him, if he can find a better place go ahead, just don't look at the venues that are on the spreadsheet, because I already have. Same thing with the cake, he was supposed to take care of that, but when he didn't, I didn't really care, till I  saw a donut tower on Pinterest, and told him we're getting donuts, no cake. Not up for discussion, he had his chance. He was fine with that, he suggested the place, and said he'd like a particular flavor of donut from there, and the rest of the donuts can be up to me.

With the bartender, he was supposed to take care of that a month ago. He didn't. So I looked into it. I do keep him in the loop, and do request that he does things as well, and he does help, it's just the research is exhausting, because to reduce the number of follow up questions, I have a pretty specific script. @LondonLisa I actually planned on telling him that tonight, that if I don't hear back from the other bartenders by end of Saturday, we're going with the first guy. Regardless of whether his friend thinks it's too much or not.

As for my mom, English is not her first language, so it'd be really hard for her to reach out to a lot of the transportation companies and tell them what is needed. She even suggested that the driver can attend the wedding if she hired someone. I said no. I actually am not opposed to getting a Lyft Plus for her and my aunts and uncles, as they are not familiar with that area, and they're elderly-ish (60s-70s), so I want them to be safe.

Regarding the guests, it's more frustration that they're voicing this to my mom, instead of me. I have realized when we decided on a Friday wedding that a number of people would not be able to make it. And that's fine, it's just that hearing this now (second hand), 2 months out, when I sent out STDs 4 months ago, that is frustrating. A few of the guests have already told us after the STDs that they won't be able to come because of other plans. And that is just fine, I actually appreciated that they told me so before the invites went out. It's mainly my family I'm frustrated at. They've had weekday parties, including a weekday wedding for one of my cousins, and I've attended those.  It's just frustrating that they are now not willing to do the same for me. I would have hoped they'd be able to communicate with me instead of through my mom. I can almost bet too that if this was a 40 minute drive down south or up north, instead of east, from where we all live, then it'd be no problem. I get when they may have a problem getting a day off, but to complaint about actually driving there when they all have smart phones with google maps on them, it's pretty ridiculous IMO.

blueeyedkat

Also, the wedding ceremony starts at 3, same place as the reception, wedding ends at 8:30/9. Nobody will be stuck in rush hour traffic, and everyone will be able to get home by 10 pm. Food (actual food, cocktail hour will have veggies, dip, and tea sandwiches, then followed by sit down early dinner at 4:30-5:30 of bbq buffet), drinks enough tables and chairs will be provided for each guest. Also, plenty of parking.

LondonLisa

Look, you're having a weekday afternoon wedding. You're naïve at best to think that people aren't going to complain. It's terribly inconvenient, regardless of what has been done in the past. Of course they aren't going to complain to you, you're the bride. Just ignore it, because you made your bed, so you have to suck it up lie in it.

lovegood90

You're having a wedding at 3pm on a Friday and are pissed people don't want to take time off work? Okay...

Look, taking one day of vacation may not seem like much to you but as someone with limited vacation time, I can guarantee that the only wedding I would ever take time off for is a best friend or sibling. 

ETA: Also, a STD isn't an invitation, so I'm not sure why the annoyance that people aren't telling you for sure if they can come or not? Not everyone knows their schedules several months in advance...that's why STD's don't require a response, and why invites are sent at around 8 weeks with the expectation of a response. Maybe when they got the STD they wanted to come, then closer to the date they realized they needed/wanted to use their vacation time for something else. 

thisismynickname2

I can commiserate in a way about family not coming to your wedding. 
Members of my in-law's family, who live no more than 45 minutes to an hour away from our venue (traffic depending) declined our Saturday night wedding. Every single friend we invited, including those out of state, attended our wedding. 

And it's the family who will bitch about distance/inconvenience/whatever. 

I don't really get it. Something about the entitlement that as they are your family, you should have made it as easy as possible on them. Or just because you're related by blood, doesn't mean you are that important to each other to attend a wedding. Something, I don't really know. But it happens. 

I have to kindly say to build a bridge and get over it. Enjoy the company of those who do come! 


 

levioosa

Weddings are not tit for tat.  Just because you went to your other cousins' weekday weddings and took a day off of work does not mean they are required to take off work for yours.  You are acting very entitled.  You made the choice to have the wedding on a weekday in a very busy city--that was your choice, and it was a choice that is very inconvenient for most people.  Most people have very limited vacation days, so using one to spend time driving to a wedding in traffic (let's be honest, in SF there is always fucking traffic) is undesirable at best.  In addition, not everyone has a job with tradition "vacation days." For some people, taking off a day of work literally translates to a day without pay.  Not everyone can afford that, and it is very selfish to expect it of them.  

STD's do not inherently tell people, "BLOCK YOUR WHOLE DAY OFF FOR ME ME ME ME ME!!!!"  Your wedding needs to respect people's time as well.  This is why we tell people it is rude to have a gap, because it is monopolizing extra hours of the guests' day without hosting them.  It's selfish.  Having a wedding in a busy city at 3 pm is, as well, a little selfish, but it is within etiquette.  You need to accept that not everyone will come to a wedding that is at an inconvenient time and place.  If people come, that's fantastic, but don't hold a petty grudge or judge people for an inconvenient time and place that you chose. 

huskypuppy14

blueeyedkat said:

I completely agree. That's how I approached the venue search. I did my research, then he said he'd like to explore other options, to which I said, that's all him, if he can find a better place go ahead, just don't look at the venues that are on the spreadsheet, because I already have. Same thing with the cake, he was supposed to take care of that, but when he didn't, I didn't really care, till I  saw a donut tower on Pinterest, and told him we're getting donuts, no cake. Not up for discussion, he had his chance. He was fine with that, he suggested the place, and said he'd like a particular flavor of donut from there, and the rest of the donuts can be up to me.

With the bartender, he was supposed to take care of that a month ago. He didn't. So I looked into it. I do keep him in the loop, and do request that he does things as well, and he does help, it's just the research is exhausting, because to reduce the number of follow up questions, I have a pretty specific script. @LondonLisa I actually planned on telling him that tonight, that if I don't hear back from the other bartenders by end of Saturday, we're going with the first guy. Regardless of whether his friend thinks it's too much or not.

As for my mom, English is not her first language, so it'd be really hard for her to reach out to a lot of the transportation companies and tell them what is needed. She even suggested that the driver can attend the wedding if she hired someone. I said no. I actually am not opposed to getting a Lyft Plus for her and my aunts and uncles, as they are not familiar with that area, and they're elderly-ish (60s-70s), so I want them to be safe.

Regarding the guests, it's more frustration that they're voicing this to my mom, instead of me. I have realized when we decided on a Friday wedding that a number of people would not be able to make it. And that's fine, it's just that hearing this now (second hand), 2 months out, when I sent out STDs 4 months ago, that is frustrating. A few of the guests have already told us after the STDs that they won't be able to come because of other plans. And that is just fine, I actually appreciated that they told me so before the invites went out. It's mainly my family I'm frustrated at. They've had weekday parties, including a weekday wedding for one of my cousins, and I've attended those.  It's just frustrating that they are now not willing to do the same for me. I would have hoped they'd be able to communicate with me instead of through my mom. I can almost bet too that if this was a 40 minute drive down south or up north, instead of east, from where we all live, then it'd be no problem. I get when they may have a problem getting a day off, but to complaint about actually driving there when they all have smart phones with google maps on them, it's pretty ridiculous IMO.

They don't have to tell you anything when they get the STD. Why does the bolded matter? You need to send everyone who received an STD and invite. There are no exceptions. Even if they can't come. My MIL wanted me to not send an invite to her cousin who received a STD, because she told MIL she couldn't come. I told her I was still sending one, and guess what cousin came!

And weddings are not tit for tat. You decided to go to your relatives wedding. NO one has to go to your wedding at all. Your wedding is not as important to everyone else as it is to you.

AddieCake

They are being a little silly about not wanting to drive 40 minutes to a wedding. I drive 45 minutes one way to work every day, but it might also be the route they have to take. I am a very anxious driver, and I don't like to drive in big cities where I don't know where I am going. I find it very overwhelming trying to pay attention to traffic, speed, listening to and following GPS directions, looking around for the destination in the midst of all of it, being confused about where to park if it's a parking garage, etc. Perhaps that is factoring in for some of them. 

You're being unfair complaining about them not wanting to take off work. You say, "they can't take ONE day?" Well, maybe they can't. Or don't want to. Doesn't matter what the reason; you don't get to decide or pass judgment on what they do with their time or if/when they take time off work. 

STDs are not invitations. Sometimes things come up in the time an STD is received and the time an invitation is received. Hell, things can come up in the time an RSVP is sent and the actual wedding. 

What time were these weekday birthday parties? Something tells me they were probably dinners, evening parties, because I can't see someone having a birthday gathering in the afternoon on a weekday.  Your wedding is at 3 in the afternoon. There's a big difference between going to a birthday dinner on a Tuesday night and going to a wedding on a Friday afternoon.  Did you have to take off work to attend these parties? Presumably you did for the wedding, but what about the parties you are using as tit for tat? Is it this cousin whose wedding you attended and his/her parents who are not coming? If not, that's not relevant at all. 

BlondeBride2016

If it makes you feel better... I'm having a Thursday wedding!

kmmssg

blueeyedkat said:

Also, the wedding ceremony starts at 3, same place as the reception, wedding ends at 8:30/9. Nobody will be stuck in rush hour traffic, and everyone will be able to get home by 10 pm. Food (actual food, cocktail hour will have veggies, dip, and tea sandwiches, then followed by sit down early dinner at 4:30-5:30 of bbq buffet), drinks enough tables and chairs will be provided for each guest. Also, plenty of parking.

The wedding starts at 3 and you are mad because people aren't/may not come because of that? That wasn't the best planning. You should NEVER plan a wedding with the thought of "can't they just take ONE day off for me?" No. My annual leave is pretty limited and I am not using it to attend a wedding. I would join you at the reception after work, but if you planned your wedding knowing it would require people using their vacation time that is on you.

charlotte989875

So PPs have most of this covered but I want to point out, as a fellow Friday bride here, you could have made it easier for people who can't or don't want to take a day off of work by scheduling your ceremony later in the evening.

As someone who is generally open to non-traditional wedding days, I can still, definitely understand why people are annoyed, you are requiring them to take a day off if they want to come not only to the ceremony but to the reception as well. By starting at 6 or later you at least make it so people can come after work.

madamerwin

I totally get that it would be frustrating that family members don't want to attend because of a 40-minute drive, but I am guessing that the issue here is more the fact that it's 3pm on a Friday... Sounds like you're in the Bay Area from your original post, and rush hour traffic there can basically extend from noon until 7pm on Fridays, so there is definitely no guarantee that they would miss rush hour. 

As PPs have stated, having your wedding on a weekday afternoon means that there will be people who cannot attend. Hopefully you checked with your VIPs before setting a date and time to make sure that the people that are very important to you will be able to attend. Beyond that, you just have to accept that one drawback to weekday weddings is that fewer people will attend. Honestly, I would only take a vacation day to attend a weekday wedding if it were an immediate family member or my best friend, and I get the feeling the same is true for a lot of people.

And re: the DJ - tell your FI that you have done a lot of research, and if he wants to keep looking, he is welcome to take over on the research. There are two people involved in your wedding, and there is no reason FI cannot help.

blueeyedkat

Hey Everyone, Just want to say thank you all for your responses (even the *gasp* snarky ones -- totally throwaway to the other thread RE how TK ppls are snarky).

I really needed this rant really, I completely understand the issue with a friday wedding, especially a friday afternoon wedding. I understand people will not be able to make it. Pretty much any wedding will have someone complain. And a friday wedding more-so than usual. I get it, and I appreciate the perspective all of you offered here. And yes, it was more about my family saying those things than anything else. It caught me out of left field. I can understand that they'd RSVP "no" but to go around and talk to my mom about it was pretty upsetting. But yes, I am aware some people will not make it, and that's fine.

As for FH, he's in charge of finalizing pretty much all other things at this point. And other than the larger ticket items needing research, he's been great. This bartender thing got on my nerves, but now that he's seen some quotes, we're going with the original bartender.

So again, thank you all, for listening and offering feedback. I really did need to get this out there in this rant, because I didn't want to complain to those around me (except FH regarding the research).

mollybarker11

blueeyedkat said:

Pretty much any wedding will have someone complain. And a friday wedding more-so than usual. I get it, and I appreciate the perspective all of you offered here. And yes, it was more about my family saying those things than anything else. It caught me out of left field. I can understand that they'd RSVP "no" but to go around and talk to my mom about it was pretty upsetting. But yes, I am aware some people will not make it, and that's fine.

It must be annoying to hear about all these side-convos 2nd or 3rd hand while you're busy planning the event itself! Just accept that your relatives will chit-chat about your wedding when you come up in conversation, it's probably the biggest thing going on in your life right now! Stick to a short & sweet "I hope they're able to make it" and bean-dip when your mom mentions these convos to you.

Most importantly, do not take aaaaanything you hear as gospel. Pps have mentioned this but I just wanna emphasize that even if you've heard that some people will not make it, you still must send them an invitation. You're not actually aware they won't make it until they send you a decline. Until you have that RSVP in your hands, anything else is just speculation. Expect declines to prepare yourself emotionally, but continue your planning based on the assumption of 100% attendance.

As far as transportation for your elderly relatives goes: I would pass along the info you found about a private car service to whoever brings it up and leave it at that. Paying for it yourself would be a nice gesture but that's not your responsibility if you can't swing it.