Bachelorette party planning drama

ElleSco1717

Ok so I need to vent!

My bridesmaids want to plan a whole weekend get away for me- which is super thoughtful but it's not what I want. I just wanted a glamour day and evening in Manhattan! Get out nails done, get our hair done get a fun hotel and go out to fun club! They keep saying "that's all you want to do, that's it? Ok if that what you want I guess we'll do it. It is about you, but this is your bachelorette party."

I wanna scream! That's it?! I'm a nurse I live a simple life, i rarely get glammed up, I wear scrubs everyday, my hair is pulled back all the time. I hike on the weekends and take my dog to the park. Very little glamour! To go to NYC (we live about 2 hrs away via train) and do the things I want sounds like a dream bachelorette party to me. But I'm feeling guilty like I'm letting them all down. Ugh any other brides feeling this way?!

[Deleted User]

ElleSco1717 said:

Ok so I need to vent! My bridesmaids want to plan a whole weekend get away for me- which is super thoughtful but it's not what I want. I just wanted a glamour day and evening in Manhattan! Get out nails done, get our hair done get a fun hotel and go out to fun club! They keep saying "that's all you want to do, that's it? Ok if that what you want I guess we'll do it. It is about you, but this is your bachelorette party." I wanna scream! That's it?! I'm a nurse I live a simple life, i rarely get glammed up, I wear scrubs everyday, my hair is pulled back all the time. I hike on the weekends and take my dog to the park. Very little glamour! To go to NYC (we live about 2 hrs away via train) and do the things I want sounds like a dream bachelorette party to me. But I'm feeling guilty like I'm letting them all down. Ugh any other brides feeling this way?!

I think you should decline an offer of a weekend away, and be firm on the type of B party you want.  I think your idea is both reasonable and gives the planners options on the nitty-gritty details.  They can decide which clubs, can decide whether the mani place will be a casual thing or one of those places that serves champagne while you wait.  I think you're fine.  Enjoy!

holyguacamole79

My (now former) SIL was this way.  She has 3 kids, and all she wanted was to get a babysitter, come over to my house and order in Chinese and watch Magic Mike.  Her MOH was like "oh, but we need to do X, Y, Z".  I said, "based on what Jen told me, this is what she wants to do, and this is what we are planning."

aurianna

Is the weekend getaway they planned also in NYC?
If what they were planning is pretty much what you want + more, then I think you can tell them you really don't need a whole weekend away but thanks for the great offer.

But if they want a weekend away somewhere elsewhere (maybe somewhere cheaper than NYC) and they didn't plan on nails, hair, etc then you run the risk of giving too much input on a party they are gracious enough to throw for you.

I think you're fine asking the scale back, and you're fine to decline anything they offer... you just don't want to get super specific on exactly what needs to happen during it unless you know they're already planning some of those things.

SaintPaulGal

Don't feel the slightest bit guilty.  If your bridesmaids want a weekend away, they are free to go on such a trip without your permission and without it being connected to your forthcoming nuptials.  Don't let yourself get pressured into a big to-do that you don't want.

ElleSco1717

They want to fly to a tropical island, I think an day/night in NYC is cheaper for them easier for me! They can plan every aspect of the NYC one day one night trip. Thank you guys for making me feel less crazy! Just needed to get it out and have some opinions from other brides!

ElleSco1717

SaintPaulGal said:

Don't feel the slightest bit guilty.  If your bridesmaids want a weekend away, they are free to go on such a trip without your permission and without it being connected to your forthcoming nuptials.  Don't let yourself get pressured into a big to-do that you don't want.

Thank you!!!!

ElleSco1717

aurianna said:

Is the weekend getaway they planned also in NYC?
If what they were planning is pretty much what you want + more, then I think you can tell them you really don't need a whole weekend away but thanks for the great offer.

But if they want a weekend away somewhere elsewhere (maybe somewhere cheaper than NYC) and they didn't plan on nails, hair, etc then you run the risk of giving too much input on a party they are gracious enough to throw for you.

I think you're fine asking the scale back, and you're fine to decline anything they offer... you just don't want to get super specific on exactly what needs to happen during it unless you know they're already planning some of those things.

They wanna fly to a tropical island! I think it's too much. They can plan everything just closer to home! And only a one day one night thing!

PamBeesly524

 I had a friend whose MOH completely disregarded what she wanted for a b-party -despite many of us speaking up for the bride and trying to fix it. Friend had a not-so-great time at her party even though we tried our best to make it fun for her. 
I get that it's a tough position to be in because your friends are coming from the right place - they want you to have fun and have a trip to remember, but I agree with PPs that you should be firm and decline the offer.

ElleSco1717

PamBeesly524 said:

 I had a friend whose MOH completely disregarded what she wanted for a b-party -despite many of us speaking up for the bride and trying to fix it. Friend had a not-so-great time at her party even though we tried our best to make it fun for her. 
I get that it's a tough position to be in because your friends are coming from the right place - they want you to have fun and have a trip to remember, but I agree with PPs that you should be firm and decline the offer.

I totally get that they are trying to make it awesome for me that's why I feel guilty. I think I'm gonna text my two MOH and let them know how I'm feeling and I'd prefer something simpler.

thisismynickname2

ElleSco1717 said:

 I had a friend whose MOH completely disregarded what she wanted for a b-party -despite many of us speaking up for the bride and trying to fix it. Friend had a not-so-great time at her party even though we tried our best to make it fun for her. 
I get that it's a tough position to be in because your friends are coming from the right place - they want you to have fun and have a trip to remember, but I agree with PPs that you should be firm and decline the offer.

I totally get that they are trying to make it awesome for me that's why I feel guilty. I think I'm gonna text my two MOH and let them know how I'm feeling and I'd prefer something simpler.

Good luck!
Nothing wrong with "just" a night out. My b-party was pre-gaming at a BM's apartment, an upscale dinner, and dancing at a nightclub. Since the BM lives in the city, we didn't get a hotel or spring for a limo or anything. Had a blast! B-parties come in all shapes and sizes. I'm of the opinion that a tropical island is serious overkill- you can plan that vacation together any other time (or, maybe, for another bride in the future, maybe). 

Moppet82

ElleSco1717 said:

Ok so I need to vent! My bridesmaids want to plan a whole weekend get away for me- which is super thoughtful but it's not what I want. I just wanted a glamour day and evening in Manhattan! Get out nails done, get our hair done get a fun hotel and go out to fun club! They keep saying "that's all you want to do, that's it? Ok if that what you want I guess we'll do it. It is about you, but this is your bachelorette party." I wanna scream! That's it?! I'm a nurse I live a simple life, i rarely get glammed up, I wear scrubs everyday, my hair is pulled back all the time. I hike on the weekends and take my dog to the park. Very little glamour! To go to NYC (we live about 2 hrs away via train) and do the things I want sounds like a dream bachelorette party to me. But I'm feeling guilty like I'm letting them all down. Ugh any other brides feeling this way?!

Holy crap--this sounds amazing! How on earth could your bridesmaids NOT want to do this?!?

On another note, when did it become a trend to go on expensive trips for bachelor/bachelorette parties?  I plan on saving that for the honeymoon!

thefanciestbeckler

Moppet82 said:

ElleSco1717 said:

Ok so I need to vent! My bridesmaids want to plan a whole weekend get away for me- which is super thoughtful but it's not what I want. I just wanted a glamour day and evening in Manhattan! Get out nails done, get our hair done get a fun hotel and go out to fun club! They keep saying "that's all you want to do, that's it? Ok if that what you want I guess we'll do it. It is about you, but this is your bachelorette party." I wanna scream! That's it?! I'm a nurse I live a simple life, i rarely get glammed up, I wear scrubs everyday, my hair is pulled back all the time. I hike on the weekends and take my dog to the park. Very little glamour! To go to NYC (we live about 2 hrs away via train) and do the things I want sounds like a dream bachelorette party to me. But I'm feeling guilty like I'm letting them all down. Ugh any other brides feeling this way?!

Holy crap--this sounds amazing! How on earth could your bridesmaids NOT want to do this?!?

On another note, when did it become a trend to go on expensive trips for bachelor/bachelorette parties?  I plan on saving that for the honeymoon!

To the bolded - I thought the exact same thing! That sounds like a blast to me.

ElleSco1717

Moppet82 said:

ElleSco1717 said:

Ok so I need to vent!

My bridesmaids want to plan a whole weekend get away for me- which is super thoughtful but it's not what I want. I just wanted a glamour day and evening in Manhattan! Get out nails done, get our hair done get a fun hotel and go out to fun club! They keep saying "that's all you want to do, that's it? Ok if that what you want I guess we'll do it. It is about you, but this is your bachelorette party."

I wanna scream! That's it?! I'm a nurse I live a simple life, i rarely get glammed up, I wear scrubs everyday, my hair is pulled back all the time. I hike on the weekends and take my dog to the park. Very little glamour! To go to NYC (we live about 2 hrs away via train) and do the things I want sounds like a dream bachelorette party to me. But I'm feeling guilty like I'm letting them all down. Ugh any other brides feeling this way?!

Holy crap--this sounds amazing! How on earth could your bridesmaids NOT want to do this?!?

On another note, when did it become a trend to go on expensive trips for bachelor/bachelorette parties?  I plan on saving that for the honeymoon!

No idea when it became "normal" to go on expensive trips! Just so not me! I think it sounds awesome too!!! Thank you for making me feel so much less crazy! There are some down to earth brides out there! And totally tropical island is where I should be going with my hubby! Not my bm!

SP29

While you cannot make specific demands on activity, location or budget, you are very much within your right to say that you DON'T want to do something, or that what they have is too much. I would tell your MOHs that you are not wanting to devote a weekend to your B-part, that a day/night is ideal (a weekend is time that you have to take off from work/your usual life too!). 

I think your NY day/night sounds lovely. 

I also don't get the whole B-party extravaganza... hanging out for an evening is fun on it's own! 

Moppet82

SP29 said:

While you cannot make specific demands on activity, location or budget, you are very much within your right to say that you DON'T want to do something, or that what they have is too much. I would tell your MOHs that you are not wanting to devote a weekend to your B-part, that a day/night is ideal (a weekend is time that you have to take off from work/your usual life too!). 

I think your NY day/night sounds lovely. 
<br

Do you have specific language that would resolve this matter? Not asking for me, but a for a friend...

SP29

Moppet82 said:

While you cannot make specific demands on activity, location or budget, you are very much within your right to say that you DON'T want to do something, or that what they have is too much. I would tell your MOHs that you are not wanting to devote a weekend to your B-part, that a day/night is ideal (a weekend is time that you have to take off from work/your usual life too!). 

I think your NY day/night sounds lovely. 

*Boxes are being weird*


I would say something like, "I really appreciate the thought and any work you have put into this, but I would much prefer something lower key, such as a day/night in NYC".

If they keep pushing, I would also say, "I do not have the budget for a weekend vacation and I would not feel comfortable passing that cost on to anyone else who is attending. I also do not have extra vacation time that I can take off from work. I think keeping the B-party to a day/night trip would be cheaper and easier for everyone" (unless it isn't of course...)

Fortunately when I had my B-party, my friend asked me what I wanted to do, or if there was anything I *didn't* want. She did ask how "big" I wanted it, like did I want us to GO somewhere, and I said NO! An evening out would be more than lovely. And that is what happened.


I don't get the big weekend or week trip somewhere that requires travel and money. I've heard stories of people going to Vegas (for example) for their B-party and how awesome it was, but anyone who I am close friends with who has gone on one of these trips has complained about it in some form. Usually it's because it's a trip the Bride (or Groom) requested, and the WP feels obligated to say yes, but it's a financial strain on top of any other expenses the WP has provided. Or someone else in the party has planned this extravagant trip without asking budgets and expects the rest of the WP to cover the bride/groom. 

MandyMost

It's very possible that the per-person cost of what you're planning in NYC is more expensive than a weekend at a tropical island at an all-inclusive place. Just something to keep in mind.

I'd roughly estimate: Hair ($150), nails ($100), a hotel room ($100), dinner ($100), club ($100), random other expenditures and lunch/breakfast ($100) = $650/person at least! A flight and 2 nights at an all-inclusive they could likely get for cheaper than that. 

But yes, I'd tell them you'd rather do a night in NYC for your bachelorette, and that you should all plan a weekend away sometime in the future.