Honoring the Deceased

whoabethers

Hello! I am not entirely sure what is traditionally done when a parent is no longer with us. My fiance's dad died shortly before we met in 2013. He and fiance were really close, and I know he is still very missed. Is there something we should say or do during the ceremony or put something in the program? I want him to still have a presence at our wedding since he was such an important part of fiance's life. Just not sure what is typical or what other people have done. Thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

CMGragain

It is not appropriate to draw attention to family losses at weddings.  You may print a brief memorial in your program.  Perhaps your Fi would like to privately carry some memento of his father in his pocket.  Obvious memorial signs, such as an empty chair, can be upsetting to family members who are there to celebrate, not to mourn.

Bad example:  My cousin was married ten days after Dad's funeral, in the same church where my parents had been married.  My late mother, ever the drama queen, insisted on attending, but threw herself into the arms of nearby men, weeping and wailing about her "poor, dear husband".  Ugh.

MobKaz

whoabethers said:

Hello! I am not entirely sure what is traditionally done when a parent is no longer with us. My fiance's dad died shortly before we met in 2013. He and fiance were really close, and I know he is still very missed. Is there something we should say or do during the ceremony or put something in the program? I want him to still have a presence at our wedding since he was such an important part of fiance's life. Just not sure what is typical or what other people have done. Thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

In some denominations, such as Catholic, there are prayers typically offered for those no longer with us.  If that is the case with your service, that would be an appropriate place to make mention of FI's father.

As @CMGragain mentioned, you can include something in your program.  My daughter included a statement that acknowledged all those not able to be present/with them on their wedding day.

You can also incorporate subtleties into your reception.  You might want to include one of his favorite appetizers or food into your menu.  You could have the DJ play of his favorite upbeat songs.  They key is to make your inclusions subtle.

tigerlily6

Something a lot of people in my area do, which I really like and plan on doing, is having photos of not only the current bride and groom on a table (usually the guestbook table), but flanking it on either side, wedding photos from the parents and grandparents. It's a nice homage of marriages that have inspired you and your husband-to-be if you have them.

A short note in the program is also common and a nice gesture. I agree to keep things subtle, though. 

RomanceManaged

My FI lost his grandfather, whom was like a father to him as his dad was very absent growing up due to work. We are planning on having the seat next to his grandmother saved with a reserved sign. There will be several reserved seats for family that may not be able to make it (waiting on RSVPs) so an empty seat wouldn't draw too much attention.

CMGragain

RomanceManaged said:

My FI lost his grandfather, whom was like a father to him as his dad was very absent growing up due to work. We are planning on having the seat next to his grandmother saved with a reserved sign. There will be several reserved seats for family that may not be able to make it (waiting on RSVPs) so an empty seat wouldn't draw too much attention.

Make sure that Grandma is OK with this.  It makes many people uncomfortable.  Yes, the empty seat DOES draw attention to the loss.  If it was me, I wouldn't be happy with those plans.

Jen4948

RomanceManaged said:

My FI lost his grandfather, whom was like a father to him as his dad was very absent growing up due to work. We are planning on having the seat next to his grandmother saved with a reserved sign. There will be several reserved seats for family that may not be able to make it (waiting on RSVPs) so an empty seat wouldn't draw too much attention.

I'd choose a more subtle way to remember absent people. Reserved signs on empty seats are not subtle at all because they overemphasize absence, loss, and grief at what should be a happy occasion.

charlotte989875

We had a religious ceremony where there is a specific time for prayers for those who have passed away. Even if you're having a secular or non-denomination ceremony you can have a moment of silence or silent reflection for those that could not be there and mention their names. My cousin did this, and it was nice, subtle, and continued quickly on to the happy celebration.

VicTim328

The first thing you need to do is make sure you and FI are on the same page.  You may want to incorporate his father into things, but you need to know what your FI's comfort level is, along with FMIL and other relatives.  If he wants some very apparent gesture, try asking him "will your mom be okay with this?  will you be able to stand up there and see the seat and not fall to pieces?"  I had to do this with FI, when we first talked about how to incorporate his late mom, he wanted to bring her urn and have it seated next to his dad..........we've come a long way...Try for the subtlety.  Is there something of his dad's he could wear? a watch,  cufflinks or something of that nature? He can always put a photo in his pocket.

We chose to incorporate his mom's favorite flowers into the bouquets, are getting married on what would have been his parents' anniversary, and are dancing with each others' parents during the bridal party dance, which will be his parents' song.  We checked with his dad to see what he would be most comfortable with.

We also lost my grandma a few months back.  My grandpa always carried handkerchiefs that she monogrammed for him.  Grandpa offered to let me carry one as my something borrowed.  Simple and intimate.

Best of luck with making your decisions.

whoabethers

Thank you so much everyone! This has been very helpful! I will definitely want to keep it subtle but still meaningful to FI and my FMIL. I'll talk to FI tonight about some of these ideas you've shared and see what his preference is.

RomanceManaged

CMGragain said:

RomanceManaged said:

My FI lost his grandfather, whom was like a father to him as his dad was very absent growing up due to work. We are planning on having the seat next to his grandmother saved with a reserved sign. There will be several reserved seats for family that may not be able to make it (waiting on RSVPs) so an empty seat wouldn't draw too much attention.

Make sure that Grandma is OK with this.  It makes many people uncomfortable.  Yes, the empty seat DOES draw attention to the loss.  If it was me, I wouldn't be happy with those plans.

This was at the request of the Grandmother when FI brought up suggestions to honor Grandpa. I suggested a photo, or a charm on my bouquet or a charm in FIs pocket, but they felt that wasn't very honorable. This is the one thing FI and his family want, I'm not sure I want to veto it, and have it be an issue for them.

thisismynickname2

RomanceManaged said:

CMGragain said:

RomanceManaged said:

My FI lost his grandfather, whom was like a father to him as his dad was very absent growing up due to work. We are planning on having the seat next to his grandmother saved with a reserved sign. There will be several reserved seats for family that may not be able to make it (waiting on RSVPs) so an empty seat wouldn't draw too much attention.

Make sure that Grandma is OK with this.  It makes many people uncomfortable.  Yes, the empty seat DOES draw attention to the loss.  If it was me, I wouldn't be happy with those plans.

This was at the request of the Grandmother when FI brought up suggestions to honor Grandpa. I suggested a photo, or a charm on my bouquet or a charm in FIs pocket, but they felt that wasn't very honorable. This is the one thing FI and his family want, I'm not sure I want to veto it, and have it be an issue for them.

I'm going to digress here a little, but, in talking about seating arrangements this comes to mind. You know how the front row of a ceremony is so often reserved for immediately family?
Well, I was a BM in a wedding so had a clear view of the front row of both "sides" (they did do groom's side, bride's side seating). The groom's father had passed earlier in the year. His mother was seated in the row by herself. Why the usher didn't put anyone else up there, I don't know. So then during the ceremony there was language about all the happy marriages that serve as a great example for the couple and all I could think about was this poor woman sitting there alone (while the MOB and FOB sat together all smiley). Seriously, it made me cry. The entire ceremony was tear-jerking anyway but still, it really just hit me.

Moral of my story for OP in particular, please try to ensure someone is sitting by your mother in law! 

whoabethers

thisismynickname said:

RomanceManaged said:

CMGragain said:

RomanceManaged said:

My FI lost his grandfather, whom was like a father to him as his dad was very absent growing up due to work. We are planning on having the seat next to his grandmother saved with a reserved sign. There will be several reserved seats for family that may not be able to make it (waiting on RSVPs) so an empty seat wouldn't draw too much attention.

Make sure that Grandma is OK with this.  It makes many people uncomfortable.  Yes, the empty seat DOES draw attention to the loss.  If it was me, I wouldn't be happy with those plans.

This was at the request of the Grandmother when FI brought up suggestions to honor Grandpa. I suggested a photo, or a charm on my bouquet or a charm in FIs pocket, but they felt that wasn't very honorable. This is the one thing FI and his family want, I'm not sure I want to veto it, and have it be an issue for them.

I'm going to digress here a little, but, in talking about seating arrangements this comes to mind. You know how the front row of a ceremony is so often reserved for immediately family?
Well, I was a BM in a wedding so had a clear view of the front row of both "sides" (they did do groom's side, bride's side seating). The groom's father had passed earlier in the year. His mother was seated in the row by herself. Why the usher didn't put anyone else up there, I don't know. So then during the ceremony there was language about all the happy marriages that serve as a great example for the couple and all I could think about was this poor woman sitting there alone (while the MOB and FOB sat together all smiley). Seriously, it made me cry. The entire ceremony was tear-jerking anyway but still, it really just hit me.

Moral of my story for OP in particular, please try to ensure someone is sitting by your mother in law! 

Thank you for the heads up!!! That is actually really important to note. We will probably put my MIL with her mother and brother in the front row.

MissKittyDanger

I personally have lost a lot of people in my family and they were all included in the slideshow we had.

However, there were certain ones we wanted to note for sentimental sake. Our centerpieces were candles, so by the guest book we had a different type of candle {all flameless fyi} but we also put photos of immediate family we wanted to note. {my dad, both my grandfathers and H's grandfather}

It was subtle and we didn't have a sign or anything, but people knew what it was for.

For the record years ago I loved the idea of the empty seat for Diana during Kate and William's wedding, but remember whatever you do you have to see it.

lachattefatale

My fiance is going to wear his late father's watch and remind his brother to carry their dad's pocket watch. I'll be wearing a cocktail ring of my late grandmother's. Little items like that give us slightly bittersweet memories, whereas an empty chair or a shrine (his cousin set up a table with photos and candles at her wedding) are more bitter than sweet.

Jen4948

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally have lost a lot of people in my family and they were all included in the slideshow we had.

However, there were certain ones we wanted to note for sentimental sake. Our centerpieces were candles, so by the guest book we had a different type of candle {all flameless fyi} but we also put photos of immediate family we wanted to note. {my dad, both my grandfathers and H's grandfather}

It was subtle and we didn't have a sign or anything, but people knew what it was for.

For the record years ago I loved the idea of the empty seat for Diana during Kate and William's wedding, but remember whatever you do you have to see it.

Empty seats and candles call too much attention to the reason someone isn't there.  Even without them there, weddings are supposed to be happy occasions-not grief-provoking or macabre ones.  Like you said, someone has to see it, and you don't want them to break down in tears of grief or otherwise make them unhappy or uncomfortable.  

And the British royal family isn't always the best example to follow when it comes to etiquette.

About that slideshow-was it on a loop, or did you turn out the lights and show it as a scheduled event during your wedding?

AW3380

I found a very pretty candle with a memorial poem that I am going to have set up at the reception with pictures surrounding it.  May not be subtle enough for some but my FI and I discussed the idea with our families and they are fine with it. 

collegechic

I was in a friend's wedding recently where her step-father, who she was really attached to, had passed that year. She had a photograph of him with his favorite flowers on a seat at the front (with her Mom's agreement). She also used his favorite flowers for her bouquet.

Definitely check in with family! I wanted to honor my grandparents, but my Mom is uncomfortable with the idea of her father having a seat there with his photograph so we're not doing it.

justsie

Knottie15770957 said:

I was in a friend's wedding recently where her step-father, who she was really attached to, had passed that year. She had a photograph of him with his favorite flowers on a seat at the front (with her Mom's agreement). She also used his favorite flowers for her bouquet. Definitely check in with family! I wanted to honor my grandparents, but my Mom is uncomfortable with the idea of her father having a seat there with his photograph so we're not doing it.

Flowers in her bouquet sound like a wonderful way to honor him, a picture in a chair makes it a memorial service. I've posted here before about a wedding I went to where I knew someone that died, seeing an empty chair reserved for them made me start crying right where I was. I left the event early because I wasn't ready for that to be shoved in my face. Don't do that to your guests. 

collegechic

justsie said:

Knottie15770957 said:

I was in a friend's wedding recently where her step-father, who she was really attached to, had passed that year. She had a photograph of him with his favorite flowers on a seat at the front (with her Mom's agreement). She also used his favorite flowers for her bouquet.

Definitely check in with family! I wanted to honor my grandparents, but my Mom is uncomfortable with the idea of her father having a seat there with his photograph so we're not doing it.

Flowers in her bouquet sound like a wonderful way to honor him, a picture in a chair makes it a memorial service. I've posted here before about a wedding I went to where I knew someone that died, seeing an empty chair reserved for them made me start crying right where I was. I left the event early because I wasn't ready for that to be shoved in my face. Don't do that to your guests. 

Agreed. In her case it worked but I like just leaving it at the flowers. Reading the previous posts here made me realize in my attempt to remember the departed I risked being insensitive. They were lilies for her too, so it looked beautiful to boot.

STARMOON44

Jen4948 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally have lost a lot of people in my family and they were all included in the slideshow we had.

However, there were certain ones we wanted to note for sentimental sake. Our centerpieces were candles, so by the guest book we had a different type of candle {all flameless fyi} but we also put photos of immediate family we wanted to note. {my dad, both my grandfathers and H's grandfather}

It was subtle and we didn't have a sign or anything, but people knew what it was for.

For the record years ago I loved the idea of the empty seat for Diana during Kate and William's wedding, but remember whatever you do you have to see it.

Empty seats and candles call too much attention to the reason someone isn't there.  Even without them there, weddings are supposed to be happy occasions-not grief-provoking or macabre ones.  Like you said, someone has to see it, and you don't want them to break down in tears of grief or otherwise make them unhappy or uncomfortable.  

And the British royal family isn't always the best example to follow when it comes to etiquette.

About that slideshow-was it on a loop, or did you turn out the lights and show it as a scheduled event during your wedding?



There absolutely was not an empty seat saved for Princess Diana at Will and Kate's wedding!! The empty chair you may have noticed was for Harry to sit in when he wasn't standing at the alter for his best man duties.

DarthV8r

I found mini picture frames with ribbon, I'm tieing them on my bouquet. My grandfather recently passed so its my way of having him still there with me. I think it is discreet enough.

Jen4948

STARMOON44 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally have lost a lot of people in my family and they were all included in the slideshow we had.

However, there were certain ones we wanted to note for sentimental sake. Our centerpieces were candles, so by the guest book we had a different type of candle {all flameless fyi} but we also put photos of immediate family we wanted to note. {my dad, both my grandfathers and H's grandfather}

It was subtle and we didn't have a sign or anything, but people knew what it was for.

For the record years ago I loved the idea of the empty seat for Diana during Kate and William's wedding, but remember whatever you do you have to see it.

Empty seats and candles call too much attention to the reason someone isn't there.  Even without them there, weddings are supposed to be happy occasions-not grief-provoking or macabre ones.  Like you said, someone has to see it, and you don't want them to break down in tears of grief or otherwise make them unhappy or uncomfortable.  

And the British royal family isn't always the best example to follow when it comes to etiquette.

About that slideshow-was it on a loop, or did you turn out the lights and show it as a scheduled event during your wedding?

There absolutely was not an empty seat saved for Princess Diana at Will and Kate's wedding!! The empty chair you may have noticed was for Harry to sit in when he wasn't standing at the alter for his best man duties.

Sounds like different people heard different things about the empty chair.

But nobody wants to burst into tears at a wedding-at least, not unless they're joyous tears.

[Deleted User]

I just ordered charms to make for myself and my cousins.  I'm going to put a postage stamp in them, the same stamp for all 5 of us, one with a chickadee on it.  This will be a reminder of our grandfather.  The others can do with it what they will, but I will be putting it on a bracelet to wear on my wedding.  I'm also getting my grandmother's earrings cleaned and will wear them on my wedding as well.  Done and done.

MissKittyDanger

Jen4948 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally have lost a lot of people in my family and they were all included in the slideshow we had.

However, there were certain ones we wanted to note for sentimental sake. Our centerpieces were candles, so by the guest book we had a different type of candle {all flameless fyi} but we also put photos of immediate family we wanted to note. {my dad, both my grandfathers and H's grandfather}

It was subtle and we didn't have a sign or anything, but people knew what it was for.

For the record years ago I loved the idea of the empty seat for Diana during Kate and William's wedding, but remember whatever you do you have to see it.

Empty seats and candles call too much attention to the reason someone isn't there.  Even without them there, weddings are supposed to be happy occasions-not grief-provoking or macabre ones.  Like you said, someone has to see it, and you don't want them to break down in tears of grief or otherwise make them unhappy or uncomfortable.  

And the British royal family isn't always the best example to follow when it comes to etiquette.

About that slideshow-was it on a loop, or did you turn out the lights and show it as a scheduled event during your wedding?

It was on loop. So if people wanted to watch, they could but it wasn't an event. People would make reference to photos in the slideshow - ex: my uncle made a speech and said something like "idk how you've gone from the little girl in the slideshow to a bride" - but it wasn't a focal point.

Neither was the candles. It was very subtle actually, people only saw when they signed guest book.

Jen4948

MissKittyDanger said:

Jen4948 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

I personally have lost a lot of people in my family and they were all included in the slideshow we had.

However, there were certain ones we wanted to note for sentimental sake. Our centerpieces were candles, so by the guest book we had a different type of candle {all flameless fyi} but we also put photos of immediate family we wanted to note. {my dad, both my grandfathers and H's grandfather}

It was subtle and we didn't have a sign or anything, but people knew what it was for.

For the record years ago I loved the idea of the empty seat for Diana during Kate and William's wedding, but remember whatever you do you have to see it.

Empty seats and candles call too much attention to the reason someone isn't there.  Even without them there, weddings are supposed to be happy occasions-not grief-provoking or macabre ones.  Like you said, someone has to see it, and you don't want them to break down in tears of grief or otherwise make them unhappy or uncomfortable.  

And the British royal family isn't always the best example to follow when it comes to etiquette.

About that slideshow-was it on a loop, or did you turn out the lights and show it as a scheduled event during your wedding?

It was on loop. So if people wanted to watch, they could but it wasn't an event. People would make reference to photos in the slideshow - ex: my uncle made a speech and said something like "idk how you've gone from the little girl in the slideshow to a bride" - but it wasn't a focal point.

Neither was the candles. It was very subtle actually, people only saw when they signed guest book.

Good on the slideshow, but I wouldn't have put memorial candles near a guestbook that everyone would see when they signed the book.

justkatnow

I lost my mom 3 years ago last month. I am planning on a memorial table separately, aside from all the other tables for her and my grandparents. I have some great photos of her, and poem that would be from her perspective. I am also planning leaving the first seat open at the ceremony for her with a in loving memory frame on her seat. 

She was my best friend and meant the world to me. I can't imagine not honoring her.

[Deleted User]

justkatnow said:

I lost my mom 3 years ago last month. I am planning on a memorial table separately, aside from all the other tables for her and my grandparents. I have some great photos of her, and poem that would be from her perspective. I am also planning leaving the first seat open at the ceremony for her with a in loving memory frame on her seat. 

She was my best friend and meant the world to me. I can't imagine not honoring her.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do you really want to be so 'in your face' with your grief at your wedding?  It's supposed to be a day of happiness, not sorrow.  You want the first chair closest to you to have a picture frame on it rather than a person you adore?  You're not going to break down in tears of sadness when you see that empty chair?  Wouldn't you rather cry tears of happiness because you are marrying your best friend?

Also, do you have a father or siblings or grandparents or aunts and uncles who would be jarred to see such a blatant memorial of their loved one on what should be such a happy day?  Do you really want your dad to be sitting next to an empty chair?

Remembering is one thing.  A Memorial is quite another.  If you want to have a memorial service for your mother, that should be completely separate from your wedding.  A remembrance should be personal; her favorite flower as part of your bouquet, a scrap from her clothing sewn into your dress, her favorite drink served during the toasts.  I think you need to take the memorial aspect down several notches or you're going to come back here after your wedding talking about all the unintended consequences of your Memorials; your sister weeping from her spot in the second row, your father breaking down as he walks back to his seat next to an empty chair.  Please please take it down a notch or twelve.

levioosa

justkatnow said:

I lost my mom 3 years ago last month. I am planning on a memorial table separately, aside from all the other tables for her and my grandparents. I have some great photos of her, and poem that would be from her perspective. I am also planning leaving the first seat open at the ceremony for her with a in loving memory frame on her seat. 

She was my best friend and meant the world to me. I can't imagine not honoring her.

Please don't do this. Attach a necklace or broach of hers to your bouquet, or wear her jewelry, or have a table full of family photos, with hers included, but don't make your wedding into a memorial service.  

Jen4948

justkatnow said:

I lost my mom 3 years ago last month. I am planning on a memorial table separately, aside from all the other tables for her and my grandparents. I have some great photos of her, and poem that would be from her perspective. I am also planning leaving the first seat open at the ceremony for her with a in loving memory frame on her seat. 

She was my best friend and meant the world to me. I can't imagine not honoring her.

Wanting to honor your mother's memory is totally understandable, but this is overdoing it big-time.

The poem idea sounds good, but I would not do the separate memorial table or "reserved seat."  Since your wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion, keep the focus on the living persons whom you are honoring by asking for their attendance.  All these "memorial" gestures are likely to evoke grief and loss - including your own.

katsandtatts

I have lost a number of family members over the years and I definitely want to honour them in some way. The people I have lost weren't my parents, but my grandfather on my dad's side passed of an illness before I was born and then my "step" grandfather from my dad's side passed a few years ago, also my grandmother from my mom's side passed of an illness when I was a young teen and my uncle from my mom's side passed unexpectedly a few months ago.

Because these people are from both sides of my family its not as easy to do something like wearing a piece of jewellery, however we don't want to remind everyone about their passing with something like pictures (especially my uncle as it will be very upsetting to my mom and his sons).

My plan is likely to find a nice flameless candle that we can leave on for the evening with a nice poem that is not too direct but certainly honours them sitting alongside it, likely on our guestbook table.