Sister in law troubles

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

The kid's birthday is ON the wedding day.   The OP has expressed the displeasure that the mom won't attend the rehearsal.   It sounds like the easiest thing to do is for SIL to not attend the rehearsal so the 2 yo can celebrate his birthday the night before.   Then he's old enough to be happy about the celebration but not so old that he can be disappointed in missing the day of itself.  

OP can't have it both ways.   Kid deserves his birthday celebration just as the OP gets to have her wedding.   OP made things difficult on herself by choosing this ONLY available day in all 365 days of the year which also happens to be at her IL's home.    The OP gets to have her day.   The rehearsal is NOT her day.

She should consider herself lucky that the kid isn't older.   My older one would be really hurt if I left her on her birthday.   And at her age, she lacks the reasoning and understanding that parents wouldn't do that unless they felt they had no other choice.   

Yeah this is a key piece of this puzzle- Children don't typically possess the emotional maturity or cognitive reasoning that adults are supposed to have. . . it's what makes them children.

Therefore, it's the adults' responsibility, i.e. the OP in this situation, to engage her critical thinking skills and empathy and make concessions for the child.  I don't really think a wedding RD or reception is the time to attempt a "teachable moment' with a 2 year old about expectations and entitlement and how your birthday can be celebrated on another day.

I mean, go for it if you want to have a cranky two year old at your RD/reception and you want to piss off your SIL and ILs.

Or as an adult you can realize that you can celebrate your niece/nephew birthday AND your wedding at the same time and that everyone will still be focused on your wedding, that your choices on when and where to have the wedding have put your family in an awkward situation, and that you can be flexible.

Rehearsals are an unnecessary pain in the ass, let's be honest.  You aren't practicing choreography for a Super Bowl Half Time show, you are practicing walking down an aisle and standing ><

If the OP's SIL wants to skip the rehearsal and RD so that she can spend time celebrating the birthday of her child, then she should be able to do so w/o any attitude, shade, or drama from the OP and her own brother.  And it would be a really nice gesture from the OP and her FI to get their niece/nephew a gift and a small cake or something. . . just like you'd do if you were celebrating this child's birthday and it wasn't your wedding day.

nerdwife

banana468 said:

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.  

For example - I have two of my own.   DD is now 5.   My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids.   My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew.   Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son.   To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable.   Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.   

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'.   She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.   

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that.   We just know that they have a live-in nanny.   

I just really want to acknowledge the awesomeness of this.

banana468

nerdwife said:

banana468 said:

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.  

For example - I have two of my own.   DD is now 5.   My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids.   My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew.   Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son.   To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable.   Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.   

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'.   She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.   

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that.   We just know that they have a live-in nanny.   

I just really want to acknowledge the awesomeness of this.

:-)

Because we're getting one side of the story, I felt like it was important to share that you can be a good parent AND have kids you can't control.  I thought I'd be a great parent with kids that ate vegetables, sat still and kept their clothes on.   Life has a way of changing my plans.

The OP's SIL may be a bad mother and she may have poorly behaved kids.   But we don't have enough information in there to make a good judgement call.   

KatWAG

OP, what do you mean you picked colors for each family? Are you actually trying to tell grown adults how to dress?

nerdwife

banana468 said:

nerdwife said:

banana468 said:

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.  

For example - I have two of my own.   DD is now 5.   My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids.   My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew.   Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son.   To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable.   Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.   

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'.   She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.   

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that.   We just know that they have a live-in nanny.   

I just really want to acknowledge the awesomeness of this.

:-)

Because we're getting one side of the story, I felt like it was important to share that you can be a good parent AND have kids you can't control.  I thought I'd be a great parent with kids that ate vegetables, sat still and kept their clothes on.   Life has a way of changing my plans.

The OP's SIL may be a bad mother and she may have poorly behaved kids.   But we don't have enough information in there to make a good judgement call.   

I totally get that. I cannot wait to be a mom (and FI cannot wait to be a dad), but we constantly find ourselves being sort of horrified by the enormity of raising human beings. Just last night we were talking and wondering how to raise a kid who both knows how to share (and care about others) but also knows how to set boundaries. Like, I just cannot fathom how difficult it all is. So I try to give all parents the benefit of the doubt/always qualify my parenting idea statements with "...but I've never been a parent, so I don't know for sure" or something along those lines.

Helps to read things like this!

Maggie0829

banana468 said:

nerdwife said:

banana468 said:

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.  

For example - I have two of my own.   DD is now 5.   My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids.   My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew.   Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son.   To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable.   Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.   

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'.   She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.   

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that.   We just know that they have a live-in nanny.   

I just really want to acknowledge the awesomeness of this.

:-)

Because we're getting one side of the story, I felt like it was important to share that you can be a good parent AND have kids you can't control.  I thought I'd be a great parent with kids that ate vegetables, sat still and kept their clothes on.   Life has a way of changing my plans.

The OP's SIL may be a bad mother and she may have poorly behaved kids.   But we don't have enough information in there to make a good judgement call.   

What is it with kids and them not keeping their clothes on?  I just want to know what it is about clothes that a lot of kids just don't like.

banana468

Maggie0829 said:

banana468 said:

nerdwife said:

banana468 said:

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.  

For example - I have two of my own.   DD is now 5.   My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids.   My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew.   Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son.   To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable.   Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.   

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'.   She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.   

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that.   We just know that they have a live-in nanny.   

I just really want to acknowledge the awesomeness of this.

:-)

Because we're getting one side of the story, I felt like it was important to share that you can be a good parent AND have kids you can't control.  I thought I'd be a great parent with kids that ate vegetables, sat still and kept their clothes on.   Life has a way of changing my plans.

The OP's SIL may be a bad mother and she may have poorly behaved kids.   But we don't have enough information in there to make a good judgement call.   

What is it with kids and them not keeping their clothes on?  I just want to know what it is about clothes that a lot of kids just don't like.

To answer this, any child would start to disrobe while dancing.    

AddieCake

As I work with teenagers and know hip lingo like this, I'm thinking "fam" refers to the WP peeps, not the entire family. It's a term some people are using now to refer to their nearest and dearest. 

redoryx

AddieCake said:

As I work with teenagers and know hip lingo like this, I'm thinking "fam" refers to the WP peeps, not the entire family. It's a term some people are using now to refer to their nearest and dearest. 

Even if there is only one person on each side? That just seems so weird to refer to a single person that way, which I think I read is the case here.

MobKaz

Maggie0829 said:

banana468 said:

nerdwife said:

banana468 said:

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.  

For example - I have two of my own.   DD is now 5.   My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids.   My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew.   Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son.   To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable.   Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.   

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'.   She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.   

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that.   We just know that they have a live-in nanny.   

I just really want to acknowledge the awesomeness of this.

:-)

Because we're getting one side of the story, I felt like it was important to share that you can be a good parent AND have kids you can't control.  I thought I'd be a great parent with kids that ate vegetables, sat still and kept their clothes on.   Life has a way of changing my plans.

The OP's SIL may be a bad mother and she may have poorly behaved kids.   But we don't have enough information in there to make a good judgement call.   

What is it with kids and them not keeping their clothes on?  I just want to know what it is about clothes that a lot of kids just don't like.

For my son, he used to refer to the "crust" of his clothes as to why certain items bothered him.  I finally realized that by "crust", he meant certain seams.  He wore his socks inside out because the "crust" caught directly under his toes.  Certain clothing tags also bugged the beezeesus out of him.  The worst enemy was PJ crust.  He almost always woke up shirtless.

@banana468, we used to refer to that hour as "the witching hour". 

YogaSandy

banana468 said:

nerdwife said:

banana468 said:

I don't think we know that completely.

It also sounds like the kids are young and acting young.  

For example - I have two of my own.   DD is now 5.   My ILs see her and her younger brother far more often than my BIL and SIL's kids.   My MIL made some particularly poor comments regarding the behavior of my niece and nephew.   Niece is 2 years younger than DD and nephew is the same age as my son.   To expect a young child to be like her older cousin is unreasonable.   Sure the parenting could be tweaked but sometimes it's also about the adults not understanding that the kids are going to be kids.   

My other friend who does NOT have a live-in nanny has 3 young children and refers to the time between their arrival home from school and dinner time as the 'demonic possession hour'.   She's a great parent but she can't hold them down and make them do what she wants them to do.   

It may be that the kids are spoiled and undisciplined but there isn't any proof of that.   We just know that they have a live-in nanny.   

I just really want to acknowledge the awesomeness of this.

:-)

Because we're getting one side of the story, I felt like it was important to share that you can be a good parent AND have kids you can't control.  I thought I'd be a great parent with kids that ate vegetables, sat still and kept their clothes on.   Life has a way of changing my plans.

The OP's SIL may be a bad mother and she may have poorly behaved kids.   But we don't have enough information in there to make a good judgement call.   


DS is two. He lives to do laundry, esp at MIL's house. MIL was laid up with incredibly bad sciatica today. She couldn't do the stairs to the basement. DS had a monster melt down at her house because he couldn't do laundry with her, if he wanted to do it, it had to be with me. Epic meltdown (he also didn't nap today at daycare). I like to think my child is well behaved and has consequences. Someone viewing from outside our everyday life today would have thought he was a spoiled brat who can't behave. Which is definitely not the case.

Knottie1451694230

The children with the bad behavior are 4 and 5, definitely old enough to understand spitting in someone's face aggressively  is wrong.
I brought up her finances because someone said maybe she couldnt afford to buy a dress.
My thoughts were she would bring her kids into town like normal but they not be at the wedding. They co e  to everything else and there even be a birthday celebration earlier in the day of the wedding.
I dont want to be exclusive. I just want to protect everyone's experience from kids that are very poorly behaved. The wedding is at their bedtime. I feel we wpuld be silly to expect any kids to behave and sit still at their bedtime.

Knottie1451694230

EXACTLY!!!!!!!! I am referring to what you said about your frie d's kids. We have to expect kids to be kids. And thr wedding is happening between the time they normally have dinner and go to bed. This sounds unrealistic for any kid to be able to sit still and behave during this time.
The thing that makes it worse to me is that tHey are GENERALLY undisciplined and spoiled and are never told no. It sounds like a disastrous situation.
I dont want a disaster at my wedding, but i dont want Her to hate me.
I have let go of tHe rehearsal dinner thing. I have always thought it would be nice to celebrate the 2 yo's bday eon His bday but earlier in the day. That actually  would be something my fiancé would enjoy. Just not at the wedding or reception which is after his bedtime.

Knottie1451694230

My fiance picked 1 color for his wedding party, his sister, his mother and father; i picked a color for my mother, my sister and my wedding partty. His sister is In HIS wedding party, so Yes she is being asked to wear a specific color, she will be able to pick the style of her dress. THe rest of the guests can wear what they want.
I am really surpised that this is an issue for many people. I have been in weddings before and it is customary to expect that when you are in someone else's wedding you wear what they tell you to wear.

Knottie1451694230

See this is another concern of mine. Her kids run around without clothes on as well. No one asks them to put clothes on when they do. I am afriad they will run naked during the reception.

Knottie1451694230

Honestly, no one thinks youre a bad parent because your 2 yo has meltdowns for that. However, SOME people might call you a bad parent if your 5 year old aggressively gets into a adults face w.his chin poked out, spits in that adult's face and your only response is "oh my gosh no! Thsts not nice".  Very diff situations 

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1451694230 said:

See this is another concern of mine. Her kids run around without clothes on as well. No one asks them to put clothes on when they do. I am afriad they will run naked during the reception.

Hit the quote button when you want to reply to a specific comment. Otherwise your comments are out of context and don't make as much sense as they should. The reply button just replies to the whole thread, the quote button is the one you want!

Knottie1451694230

glasgowtolondon said:

See this is another concern of mine. Her kids run around without clothes on as well. No one asks them to put clothes on when they do. I am afriad they will run naked during the reception.

Hit the quote button when you want to reply to a specific comment. Otherwise your comments are out of context and don't make as much sense as they should. The reply button just replies to the whole thread, the quote button is t




ThHANK YOU 

Viczaesar

Knottie1451694230 said:

My fiance picked 1 color for his wedding party, his sister, his mother and father; i picked a color for my mother, my sister and my wedding partty. His sister is In HIS wedding party, so Yes she is being asked to wear a specific color, she will be able to pick the style of her dress. THe rest of the guests can wear what they want.
I am really surpised that this is an issue for many people. I have been in weddings before and it is customary to expect that when you are in someone else's wedding you wear what they tell you to wear.

Your grammar here is confusing the issue.  His sister is part of his wedding party, so why do you list her after "wedding party," and then also his parents?  If his sister is actually in his wedding party, as in standing next to him as Best Woman or a groomswoman, then yes, it's typical for her color to be dictated.  However, unless they've been asked to be Best Man/Woman or Groomspeople, parents are not in the wedding party and you do not get to dictate what they wear.  Same goes for your side - if your sister is actually in your wedding party as a Bridesmaid or Maid/Matron of Honor then you can dictate color, keeping your attendants' comfort in mind, but you cannot dictate color for your parents.

Viczaesar

Knottie1451694230 said:

The children with the bad behavior are 4 and 5, definitely old enough to understand spitting in someone's face aggressively  is wrong.
I brought up her finances because someone said maybe she couldnt afford to buy a dress.
My thoughts were she would bring her kids into town like normal but they not be at the wedding. They co e  to everything else and there even be a birthday celebration earlier in the day of the wedding.
I dont want to be exclusive. I just want to protect everyone's experience from kids that are very poorly behaved. The wedding is at their bedtime. I feel we wpuld be silly to expect any kids to behave and sit still at their bedtime.

So if she's bringing her kids to the town where your wedding is "like normal" but everyone in the family except the kids is at the wedding, who exactly would she be leaving her young children with during your wedding?

drunkenwitch

To the OP : ...what? Seriously, what?

climbingsingle

Knottie1451694230 said:

My fiance picked 1 color for his wedding party, his sister, his mother and father; i picked a color for my mother, my sister and my wedding partty. His sister is In HIS wedding party, so Yes she is being asked to wear a specific color, she will be able to pick the style of her dress. THe rest of the guests can wear what they want.
I am really surpised that this is an issue for many people. I have been in weddings before and it is customary to expect that when you are in someone else's wedding you wear what they tell you to wear.

You should only be picking colors for people in your wedding party. You should not be picking colors for your parents! Let them wear whatever they want. 

Again, pick colors for bridesmaids/groomsmen/bridesmen/groomswomen ONLY. 

lembaslover

A few thoughts OP:

1. Okay maybe the kids are awful and you are within your rights to not have them there. However if she just brings them into town like you suggest who is going to watch them? 

2. Glad you let go of the rehearsal dinner. However you say you'd like if they could celebrate his b'day on the actual day just not during your wedding. Well that is kind of hard when your wedding is on his b'day... 

3. You brought up that she has a live-in nanny which means it can't be the reason she's pushing back is she doesn't have the money... I imagine a line in nanny is quite expensive and maybe she's chosen to have one which means she can't afford other things... you can't tell people how to spend their money and even if she is loaded she has every right to choose not to spend it on your wedding and spending it on her kids will probably be more important to her.

4. What is the color you chose and what is the color your FI chose? I'm very pale and I'm sorry but I'm not wearing yellow and you'll be sorry if you try to make me because I'll just look sick!

5. PP are right unless your parents are groomsmen/women or bridesmaids/men you shouldn't be telling them what color to wear. 

I bolded # 4 because that's what I'm most curious about.

Knottie1451694230

Viczaesar said:

Knottie1451694230 said:

The children with the bad behavior are 4 and 5, definitely old enough to understand spitting in someone's face aggressively  is wrong.
I brought up her finances because someone said maybe she couldnt afford to buy a dress.
My thoughts were she would bring her kids into town like normal but they not be at the wedding. They co e  to everything else and there even be a birthday celebration earlier in the day of the wedding.
I dont want to be exclusive. I just want to protect everyone's experience from kids that are very poorly behaved. The wedding is at their bedtime. I feel we wpuld be silly to expect any kids to behave and sit still at their bedtime.

So if she's bringing her kids to the town where your wedding is "like normal" but everyone in the family except the kids is at the wedding, who exactly would she be leaving her young children with during your wedding?

I said this before. She has a live in nannythat travels with them. She is also willing to hire additional people who help with their kids as needed. At other family events she has had the nanny keep the kids or pick them up early.

Knottie1451694230

climbingwife said:

Knottie1451694230 said:

My fiance picked 1 color for his wedding party, his sister, his mother and father; i picked a color for my mother, my sister and my wedding partty. His sister is In HIS wedding party, so Yes she is being asked to wear a specific color, she will be able to pick the style of her dress. THe rest of the guests can wear what they want.
I am really surpised that this is an issue for many people. I have been in weddings before and it is customary to expect that when you are in someone else's wedding you wear what they tell you to wear.

You should only be picking colors for people i







I think this varies. My family asked me what color they should wear. So i think this isn't written in stone.  However, thinking of most weddings i have been to the parents always coordianate well with the colors of the wedding.

Knottie1451694230

marriedhamstermom said:

A few thoughts OP:

1. Okay maybe the kids are awful and you are within your rights to not have them there. However if she just brings them into town like you suggest who is going to watch them? 

2. Glad you let go of the rehearsal dinner. However you say you'd like if they could celebrate his b'day on the actual day just not during your wedding. Well that is kind of hard when your wedding is on his b'day... 

3. You brought up that she has a live-in nanny which means it can't be the reason she's pushing back is she doesn't have the money... I imagine a line in nanny is quite expensive and maybe she's chosen to have one which means she can't afford other things... you can't tell people how to spend their money and even if she is loaded she has every right to choose not to spend it on your wedding and spending it on her kids will probably be more important to her.

4. What is the color you chose and what is the color your FI chose? I'm very pale and I'm sorry but I'm not wearing yellow and you'll be sorry if you try to make me because I'll just look sick!

5. PP are right unless your parents are groomsmen/women or bridesmaids/men you shouldn't be telling them what color to wear. 

I bolded # 4 because that's what I'm most curious about.

1. Her live in nanny plus additional  hired help as needed. 

2. Our wedding is in the evening, after his bed time. The bday celebration wpuld be that morning, just with family. My fiance and i do not feel its bad luck to see each  

3. We actually offered to pay for it to eliminate that as an issue.

4.  blue and peach

5. Again, i think this varies. Mg family asked me what color they should wear. At other weddings i have attended they coordinated. Also, ive never heard of doing a grooms color a d brides color but only for immediate family.

climbingsingle

Knottie1451694230 said:

climbingwife said:

Knottie1451694230 said:

My fiance picked 1 color for his wedding party, his sister, his mother and father; i picked a color for my mother, my sister and my wedding partty. His sister is In HIS wedding party, so Yes she is being asked to wear a specific color, she will be able to pick the style of her dress. THe rest of the guests can wear what they want.
I am really surpised that this is an issue for many people. I have been in weddings before and it is customary to expect that when you are in someone else's wedding you wear what they tell you to wear.

You should only be picking colors for people i







I think this varies. My family asked me what color they should wear. So i think this isn't written in stone.  However, thinking of most weddings i have been to the parents always coordianate well with the colors of the wedding.

No, it does NOT vary. If someone not in your wedding party asks you what color to wear, you tell them to wear whatever color they want. Parents do not need to coordinate with anything, and anyone that tries to dictate colors to the parents is wrong. 

JediElizabeth

4. blue and peach 

She's on the side wearing peach, isn't she? Blue is pretty universally flattering, whereas you need a special skin tone for peach. I would be pretty upset if I heard that half the wedding party was wearing blue, but I got to wear a color that looks terrible on me. 

Let everyone in the wedding party wear blue. Your pictures will still look good if you're not using your FSIL as a prop. 

Also, her money is her own. She can have millions of dollars sitting in the bank, and if she says somethings out of her price range, that's none of your business. Acting otherwise makes you come off as rather small and maybe jealous?

kimmiinthemitten

OP, I'm not really sure what you're looking for here; validation, praise?  Pretty much every response has disagreed with you and you just keep defending your position.  Which is fine, it's your wedding.  

However, decisions may come with consequences.  If you refuse to budge on allowing your nieces/nephews near your wedding or allowing your FSIL to wear something that makes her feel comfortable you must accept whatever damage it does to your relationship in the future.

scrunchythief

JediElizabeth said:

4. blue and peach 

She's on the side wearing peach, isn't she? Blue is pretty universally flattering, whereas you need a special skin tone for peach. I would be pretty upset if I heard that half the wedding party was wearing blue, but I got to wear a color that looks terrible on me. 

Let everyone in the wedding party wear blue. Your pictures will still look good if you're not using your FSIL as a prop. 

Also, her money is her own. She can have millions of dollars sitting in the bank, and if she says somethings out of her price range, that's none of your business. Acting otherwise makes you come off as rather small and maybe jealous?

I second the bolded.  I also think blue dresses/suits/vests would look very pretty with peach colored flowers.  So there's a way to still have both of your colors. 

Also, about the kids, if the nanny will be there, could they come and if they start acting up, the nanny could take them out?