Moms and Maids

how is you're realtionship with you're mother in law/future mother in

2

Re: how is you're realtionship with you're mother in law/future mother in

  • I don't know...I love my FMIL, but I don't have much in common with her. I have a much better relationship with my FFIL (we share tastes in books & politics, so there's lots more to talk about). I feel like we'd be much closer if we lived near each other, but it's hard to build a long-distance relationship with your FI's family, YKWIM?

    That said, we always have good visits, and his family and I get along really well, so I feel like I'm ahead of the game. :)
    SP29OurWildKingdom
  • levioosa said:



    I'm always so jealous of people who are close to their FMIL. She hates me and I've no clue why. I've always been polite, helped them out, and since my man and I have been together since highschool I even used to help him keep on track in school when they asked me to. But it's like nothing I do is good enough, she's claimed I'm trying to get pregnant (I have an IUD) and that I'm a gold digger l. But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised he doesn't have the best relationship with his mother either. She calls him ugly and a failure on a regular basis, he works his butt off with two jobs and my entire family genuinely thinks he's a good looking great guy, so I've just resigned to her not liking me.

    Out of curiosity, what does your FI say when she tells him things like that?  If someone treated me like that, they would no longer be in my life.  Toxic people don't deserve a place in your life just because they are blood related.  

    Last time she said it looked like he was carrying another person on stage at his choir concert and that it didn't look like he was losing weight. Or when his older brother started singing at Christmas dinner, my fiance has recently been in Les Mis so he offered to sing one of the songs and he reply was "Why? So Josh can show you up again?" He came home and was practicAlly in tears. He thoughts it out around them and mostly laughs it off saying things like I feed him well but we stopped going my over there as often and I refuse to interact with that kind of behavior, so whenever I hear it I say that he's handsome or that I love his voice. Which usually annoys her.
  • I have an okay relationship with my FMIL. At first she was against the relationship and thought I was pushing my FI into making major decisions, but she's gotten used to us and has accepted that we're about to leave home for good and need to make the best decisions for us as a team (and hopefully knows I've never pressured my FI lolz). We text occasionally, I call her every now and then, keep her involved in the wedding planning which she didn't think I would since that hasn't been the pattern in her experience. We're not best friends yet, but we've had our bon ding moments (mostly over her temperamental husband and MIL). So I have hope for the future!
  • levioosa said:
    Yeah, she'd be done in my book.  You don't get to treat me and my loved one like shit and then expect there to be no consequences.  
    See that's how I feel but he still really wants to try to have a good relationship with them. I want to but I feel like his mother is standing in the way of what could be a really good thing. I always hoped I'd get to have the same kind of relationship with his parents as my mom had with my dad's family. Everyone loved my grandma and my grandma was an awesome lady. I'm actually feeling really let down by that. I want to ask her to be involved but she's not too happy we're getting married so I don't think it'd go over well. She'd probably say I was asking for money.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2016
    levioosa said:
    Yeah, she'd be done in my book.  You don't get to treat me and my loved one like shit and then expect there to be no consequences.  
    See that's how I feel but he still really wants to try to have a good relationship with them. I want to but I feel like his mother is standing in the way of what could be a really good thing. I always hoped I'd get to have the same kind of relationship with his parents as my mom had with my dad's family. Everyone loved my grandma and my grandma was an awesome lady. I'm actually feeling really let down by that. I want to ask her to be involved but she's not too happy we're getting married so I don't think it'd go over well. She'd probably say I was asking for money.
    Definitely don't ask her to get involved. She won't change because there is a wedding and it probably will get worse. I'll share with you what I told my bff the other day: you can't change his family, and you can't make them into the family you want. What you can do is create your own family with your FI. I'd be a little worried though if your FI continues to take the abuse and doesn't set any boundaries with his mom. Also, if you feel like his mother is standing in the way of the two of you succeeding in a relationship, then you have a ton of other problems to work on. And I say this from personal experience as a daughter of parents with a horrific mother in law who definitely got in the way of their relationship. 

    ETF: Words


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    ShesSoColdSP29
  • I have a pretty good relationship with my FMIL. We both go out of our ways to include each other. We are very different people- she is go-with-the-flow and I am Type A.
  • I'm lucky. In fact, I have more in common with, and often get along better with my FMIL than my own mother. FMIL was bummed she was unavailable to come dress shopping with me last weekend and is now STOKED that she gets to see the dress tomorrow. It was like getting blood from a damn stone to get my own mother to come dress shopping, and then she only chose to come to one of the two appointments. *sigh*

    FMIL had 3 + 1 sons so she is so excited to have another daughter in law :)
  • Mine has a kind heart ultimately, but has a serious problem with impulse control. During dinner last weekend she asked me if I was planning to loose weight before the wedding, because in her words "it would be a good idea". Then while showing her my wedding dress online she  said "well you will certainly look different in it than the model in the picture." 
    She also has a problem not being the center of attention.  It is the accumulation of lots of little things. Like if I am speaking, she suddenly has that thing she MUST do, or if I bring a dessert, even if is completely delectable, it isn't complete without the final touch of her sauce or extra spice or herb from HER fabulous garden.
    These kinds of comments are a regular occurrence with her.
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I have a cordial relationship with my FMIL. She is hot and cold and can be either welcoming or prickly at turns. She is very funny and sarcastic, but also very critical which FH says really bothered him growing up. I care about her and FFIL a lot, though, and we try to see them regularly. 
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  • My relationship with FMIL is really warming up! It started a little rocky, because we'd never really met before the engagement, and there seemed to be something deeply wrong with every wedding planning decision we made (we invited in circles, so she couldn't believe that great aunt Hildy didn't make the cut! etc).  But now that we've hung out a few times, gone to a few hockey games, and spent the holidays together, I really enjoy spending time with her and am excited when we're going to be seeing her soon. :smile: 

    I enjoy FFIL too, but as others have said of their ILs, sometimes he gets a little Fox Newsy.  Other than that he's a nice, funny guy who doesn't get embarrassed playing Cards Against Humanity.

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    SP29
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Mine is great. Not only that, DH thinks my own mother is great. And not only that, our parents get along so well they actually hang out. Couldn't ask for better!
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    VicTim328OurWildKingdomahoywedding
  • Mine has a kind heart ultimately, but has a serious problem with impulse control. During dinner last weekend she asked me if I was planning to loose weight before the wedding, because in her words "it would be a good idea". Then while showing her my wedding dress online she  said "well you will certainly look different in it than the model in the picture." 
    She also has a problem not being the center of attention.  It is the accumulation of lots of little things. Like if I am speaking, she suddenly has that thing she MUST do, or if I bring a dessert, even if is completely delectable, it isn't complete without the final touch of her sauce or extra spice or herb from HER fabulous garden.
    These kinds of comments are a regular occurrence with her.
    Ugh. When she asked you if you were planning to lose weight what did you say?
         
  • I have to post on this.. I LOVE my MIL, I lived with her and FIL for 6 months when we had only been together about 5 months and they took me in as a daughter. The whole family is amazing and I could not have gotten any luckier with the family and my H.

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    OurWildKingdom
  • Mine has a kind heart ultimately, but has a serious problem with impulse control. During dinner last weekend she asked me if I was planning to loose weight before the wedding, because in her words "it would be a good idea". Then while showing her my wedding dress online she  said "well you will certainly look different in it than the model in the picture." 
    She also has a problem not being the center of attention.  It is the accumulation of lots of little things. Like if I am speaking, she suddenly has that thing she MUST do, or if I bring a dessert, even if is completely delectable, it isn't complete without the final touch of her sauce or extra spice or herb from HER fabulous garden.
    These kinds of comments are a regular occurrence with her.
    Wow, this kind of sounds like my FMIL!  I'm glad I'm not alone in this.  She is a nice to me, don't get me wrong, but she NEEDS to be the center of attention.  She is also very territorial when it comes to my FI, which has been not the most fun to deal with.  My FI is the middle child and she has no problem telling her other 2 children that my FI is her favorite.  Not the nicest thing to tell your children, that's for sure.  She needs to be coddled and praised constantly and the hardest part for me is really accepting that.  I come from a family who is supportive, but not involved in every detail of my life.  This has been a wide opening experience trying to get used to 2 different lifestyles. 
  • My MIL adores me and I adore her. I love that I feel comfortable telling her things, and maybe it's because we both suffer from depression that it kind of gives us a common bond. My goal is for her and my mum to have a good relationship now .... they have a decent one, but don't know each other enough.



    For those suffering with a MIL that doesn't like them, I can sympathize. My dad's mum wasn't a fan of my mum from day one, she stole her baby and got drunk one night and told her. Later years she said - not unkindly, just in a blunt way - "Kitty is the best thing to come out of your marriage"
    My mum put up with it because she love my dad and I but was very clear she would not allow her to be rude.

    My nana finally saw how great of a person my mum was and tbh they ended up having a great relationship despite my dad passed away. She eventually apologized for being rude to my mum and admitted it was jealousy he was happy with someone and leaving.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Better after the wedding. MIL and I have different priorities, but that's not so much at the forefront and comes out in issues with smaller stakes now. I'm also more aware of how she operates, more able to accept that she is who she is and means well (the italicized being key), and more practiced with dealing with her.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Better after the wedding. MIL and I have different priorities, but that's not so much at the forefront and comes out in issues with smaller stakes now. I'm also more aware of how she operates, more able to accept that she is who she is and means well (the italicized being key), and more practiced with dealing with her.
    Ugh, the "means well."  SO's mom is all about meaning well, but she makes things 1000x worse.  If she was just a manipulative bitch (like my Grandma), I would cut off contact, but it's not quite the same when they really truly want to help, and instead they just create a clusterfuck.  She's also really fragile emotionally, so I feel really bad the few times I have snapped and told her to butt out.  She gets so upset about the smallest things.  She even cries over spilled milk....literally.    


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    kimmiinthemitten
  • SubwaylovesSubwayloves member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2016
    In the beginning, FMILs and I's relationship was a bit rocky. We actually got into multiple screaming matches, and she was the cause of quite a few arguments between FI and I. She expects a lot out of FI (as in doing things for her that in my opinion she should be doing herself- like cleaning her house, taking care of her dogs, etc.), and is in my opinion a bit of an entitled/spoiled person. I had a lot more of an issue with this at the beginning, and we are both very blunt personalities who don't hide what we are thinking/feeling, so this could often turn into a issue.
    However, our relationship has much improved since the beginning, and I would say we are pretty close now. Although I still don't agree with many things she does or expects, I have come to understand why she is how she is, as well as learned (for most part) to keep my mouth shut at least while she is around ;). I would say we're pretty close now. We text at least a little something most days, and generally have a great time when we see each other. She's also been pretty involved with, and is very excited for, the wedding. Overall I'd say I'm pretty lucky with in laws!
  • My FMIL and I get along on the surface of things. With that said, I do notice her flaws...she's incredibly manipulative, self-serving and entitled. Nowadays I keep her at arms length because of these great stories:

    Example 1: FMIL doesn't have a lot of money of her own and lives on the alimony from FFIL. She would have more money if she didn't give it away to her needy friends...but I digress! So one fine day she comes over (intoxicated) with her mother who is in town. She comes in screaming about how she asked FI for a new laptop 2 months ago. I say, "Heeyyy, its ok, it just takes a while for people to earn the money for such big purchases." She responds, "TWO MONTHS IS NOTHING FOR MY SON, OKAY?" She's really great at counting other people's money apparently. 

    Example 2: FMIL wants to wear a white gown to my wedding. We don't have a date or a venue yet, but she's already picked her dress for an event that is potentially over a year away. She came in to town last weekend and decided she was going to get everyone on her side at a family party. She took my phone with the photos in it and walked around to all the women at our family party and and asked their opinion. As if their opinions mattered somehow?

    She didn't act like this when FBIL got married, but mainly because she was deathly afraid of his bride (everyone is actually afraid of this woman). She sees me as more of a pushover because I wont scream at her and threaten her. I think the main takeaway from my story is that boundaries need to be set with in-laws. Working on this right now!
  • I'm very lucky to have a good relationship with my FIL's. They live in Belgium, their homeland (FH and I live in my country, Australia), so we don't get to see them all that often. But when we do all get together, it's family. Very comfortable; my FMIL is a beautiful, kind and caring woman who takes such care of those around her. Very admirable woman.
    SP29
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I still haven't met my FMIL yet (we live in different states), but we talk on the phone and Facebook. FW and I are planning a trip south to coincide with SD's spring break, so I'll finally get to meet both FMIL and SD. I'm excited!
  • My FMIL can be real dud, but she lives on the opposite side of the state, so her availability to be ridiculous at me is limited. However, she has been kind to not throw her weight around with wedding planning. I could do worse.
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  • I love my MIL. She's such a sweet person. I really like all of my in-laws.

    When it was just me and a couple of close friends after my bachelorette party they were jokingly asking me about my in-laws and I remember being pretty drunk and saying that I like them more than my family. I hadn't really thought about it before but that wasn't a lie. To be fair though I'm dealing with a lot of drama with my own mother and family right now so his family seems so nice and drama free. 

    ditto here. I've said this sober... 

    Im also really lucky. My FMIL is awesome. She raised three of her own boys and one step son, so she loves having some girls around. I think she  really appreciates my including her on the planning things, since she felt a bit excluded at FI's older brothers wedding a few years ago. 

    All of of this works for me, since my mom isn't interested much in wedding things. Plus FMIL and I get along better sometimes than my mother and I, and we have more in common :)
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    adk19 said:
    I'm sorry, OP, but I can't take it anymore.  I can't/haven't read a single post in this thread because the incorrect "you're/your" in the subject line (TWICE!) is giving me hives.

    Stuck in box

    You forgot about "realtionship" instead of "relationship." Too many typos for the editor in me.
  • adk19 said:
    I'm sorry, OP, but I can't take it anymore.  I can't/haven't read a single post in this thread because the incorrect "you're/your" in the subject line (TWICE!) is giving me hives.
    Aaaaah, me too! Itchy.

    See also 'realtionship'.
                 
    levioosaShesSoColdHeffalumpLuckyStarandHoneyBunny
  • adk19 said:
    I'm sorry, OP, but I can't take it anymore.  I can't/haven't read a single post in this thread because the incorrect "you're/your" in the subject line (TWICE!) is giving me hives.
    Aaaaah, me too! Itchy.

    See also 'realtionship'.
    Couldn't get over "you're" enough to even bother reading the rest.  And fast typing doesn't bother me nearly as much as a blatant error.  Especially TWICE!!!
  • I have a great relationship with FMIL. I texted her yesterday and asked if this summer she would like to go with me one weekend to my mom's house to material shop for my dress and to start wedding planning. She came by our house after work and told me she would love to go and she is so excited to be included because she has only sons (FI has a brother) and that she was always afraid she would just be told when to show up when they got married. 
    OurWildKingdom
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