Guests Say Hotel Rates Too High?

NandJ2017

Hi,
My wedding guests are complaining that the hotel rates are too high for them.  

I am arranging a small destination wedding that is a 5 hr drive from our families town.  The lowest hotel rate for a 3.5 star hotel is $197 per night including taxes.  I was able to secure rates at $150 per night including taxes at a 4 star lodge, on the condition that the stay be for 3 nights minimum.  We are only inviting our closest family members (parents, grandparents & aunts/uncles) (12 couples, 24 people total).  We were expecting them to stay for 3 nights (Thurs thru Sun) & have a long wedding weekend/mini vacation with family events planned throughout.  When we told them the cost of their room would be $150 per night their first reaction was to stay only 1 night.  We requested them to stay for all 3 nights and they were not happy about the total cost, stating they weren't sure if our other close relatives would be able to afford it.  We were disappointed that they reacted negatively because we were able to get rates that are much lower than normal for that area.  

Is it too much to ask our close family members to pay $150 per night and expect them to stay all 3 nights.  

We had planned to do a long wedding weekend before we knew about the lodge deal because it is a far drive and were very excited to find a deal at all.  We originally expected our families to stay the long weekend with us due to the rarity of visits with all of us together and we could make a mini reunion or vacation out of it.  Our families are middle class and the wedding is not until June 2017 (17 months away).  Also we will not be registering for gifts.

We have been trying to think of ways to avoid negative reactions and wondered if we should offer to pay for some of our relatives room costs in total or cover part of it for some of them or all of them.  

What do you all think?  How could this be better approached when we make the announcement of the lodging?

Jells2dot0

It's not up to you to dictate how people can spend their money. You also cannot dictate how long people must travel to attend your wedding.

You should have checked with your VIP guests about their budgets and comfort level prior to booking something. You should have also made sure they were all comfortable with traveling. With such specific requirements, you should have offered to pay for everything up front for everyone. However, a wedding invitation is not a summons and your guests would still have the right to decline your offer. You cannot make someone attend a wedding or travel, period.

I know in my case, when we thought about having a family only DW, we knew we'd be paying for everyone to attend. However, we knew that even if we paid, most of our family would still decline. We ended up eloping because it was important to us to have our wedding be "our day". You put your vision ahead of your guests and now you have to accept that you may not have as many guests as you thought. That is the way things go with DWs.

ETA: There is no way to approach this to get a better reaction. Give the hotel info, let guests make reservations to their comfort level, and accept that some people may only come for 1 night or some people may not come at all. Not everyone will care about your wedding weekend as much as you.

climbingsingle

Yes, it's absolutely too much to require your guests to stay 3 nights. Assuming most people have Monday through Friday jobs, you're asking them to use vacation time AND spend $450 on just lodging. 

ScottishSarah

NandJ2017 said:

Hi,
My wedding guests are complaining that the hotel rates are too high for them.  

I am arranging a small destination wedding that is a 5 hr drive from our families town.  The lowest hotel rate for a 3.5 star hotel is $197 per night including taxes.  I was able to secure rates at $150 per night including taxes at a 4 star lodge, on the condition that the stay be for 3 nights minimum.  We are only inviting our closest family members (parents, grandparents & aunts/uncles) (12 couples, 24 people total).  We were expecting them to stay for 3 nights (Thurs thru Sun) & have a long wedding weekend/mini vacation with family events planned throughout.  When we told them the cost of their room would be $150 per night their first reaction was to stay only 1 night.  We requested them to stay for all 3 nights and they were not happy about the total cost, stating they weren't sure if our other close relatives would be able to afford it.  We were disappointed that they reacted negatively because we were able to get rates that are much lower than normal for that area.  

Is it too much to ask our close family members to pay $150 per night and expect them to stay all 3 nights.  

We had planned to do a long wedding weekend before we knew about the lodge deal because it is a far drive and were very excited to find a deal at all.  We originally expected our families to stay the long weekend with us due to the rarity of visits with all of us together and we could make a mini reunion or vacation out of it.  Our families are middle class and the wedding is not until June 2017 (17 months away).  Also we will not be registering for gifts.

We have been trying to think of ways to avoid negative reactions and wondered if we should offer to pay for some of our relatives room costs in total or cover part of it for some of them or all of them.  

What do you all think?  How could this be better approached when we make the announcement of the lodging?

HI have to say that $450 dollars, (plus transport/gas, plus outfit, plus gift) is a lot for some people.  My sisters wedding accommodation was £330 for 1 night and I found that a bit much to be honest but I was MOH so felt I wanted to stay at the venue, plus I am VERY close to my sister.  

Firstly, you can not expect people to give your wedding 3 nights, even if they are close family. 

For example my wedding venue has 5 cottages which I booked (at our expense) for 4 nights for our immediate family and bridal party.  I would not expect them to pay to stay for 4 nights in a million years but this was the minimum.  We have also told people that the accommodation will be available for 4 nights and what the check-in and out times are, but have also said we are cool if they just want to use it for the night of the wedding only.  I don't think you can really ask more than this, even if you are paying.

The best thing to do would be to also recommend to your guests another alternative which has a 1 night minimum.  Many people would prefer to pay $197 for 1 night at a 3 star instead of $450 for 3 nights at a 4 star.  Does that make sense?  It might be better value with the lodge, but the overall cost is still greater AND they might not be able to take that much time for your wedding.

Anyhu, sorry for rambling but long story short you can't really expect people to stay at your wedding for 3 nights, even if you are paying.  I know I might have lots of empty rooms at the start and end of my booking but I'm okay with that.  The way I see it is that it might make for more intimate time with those whose chose to stay for the duration.  My sister (and one of my bridesmaids) for example has already booked a whole week off work to hang out with us for a mini break, YAY!  

Gifts have nothing to do with it really.  My sister said she didn't expect anything from me because of the cost of being MOH but I STILL paid for her dress and gave them a cash gift.  It doesn't matter what you say, people may still feel they want to get your something.  Plus it is a bit 'off' to mention gifts to your guests. 

tigerlily6

Ditto to what PPs said. Are there any less expensive hotels in the area (even if they are less than 3.5 stars)? We reserved blocks at two different hotels. One with $130/ night rates, and another with $65/night rates. The more expensive one is definitely more convenient (attached to our reception location), but we knew that some of our guests may prefer a less expensive price even if that means a bit of extra transport to and fro and may be lower quality overall. Your guests can make that call as they see fit, but it would be nice to give them the option. 

Furthermore, a wedding is one day, and since your location is OOT, consider it a privilege that guests are making the trip in the first place. If they stay 3 days, or 1, or the whole week, that is their prerogative. The only day you really should influence their schedule is your wedding day. 



 

nerdwife

NandJ2017 said:

Hi,
My wedding guests are complaining that the hotel rates are too high for them.  

I am arranging a small destination wedding that is a 5 hr drive from our families town.  The lowest hotel rate for a 3.5 star hotel is $197 per night including taxes.  I was able to secure rates at $150 per night including taxes at a 4 star lodge, on the condition that the stay be for 3 nights minimum.  We are only inviting our closest family members (parents, grandparents & aunts/uncles) (12 couples, 24 people total).  We were expecting them to stay for 3 nights (Thurs thru Sun) & have a long wedding weekend/mini vacation with family events planned throughout.  When we told them the cost of their room would be $150 per night their first reaction was to stay only 1 night.  We requested them to stay for all 3 nights and they were not happy about the total cost, stating they weren't sure if our other close relatives would be able to afford it.  We were disappointed that they reacted negatively because we were able to get rates that are much lower than normal for that area.  

Is it too much to ask our close family members to pay $150 per night and expect them to stay all 3 nights.  

We had planned to do a long wedding weekend before we knew about the lodge deal because it is a far drive and were very excited to find a deal at all.  We originally expected our families to stay the long weekend with us due to the rarity of visits with all of us together and we could make a mini reunion or vacation out of it.  Our families are middle class and the wedding is not until June 2017 (17 months away).  Also we will not be registering for gifts.

We have been trying to think of ways to avoid negative reactions and wondered if we should offer to pay for some of our relatives room costs in total or cover part of it for some of them or all of them.  

What do you all think?  How could this be better approached when we make the announcement of the lodging?

Yes, it is too much to ask. See PP for several of the reasons why.

I do have a question though - is this place so remote that your family members can't find their own lodging? Maybe they'd prefer to drive a little farther for cheaper rates. Why do they have to all stay in the same place? Can you offer them less expensive alternatives that are farther away?

But that doesn't change my basic answer - you can't ask them to spend $450 and stay three nights. Even $197 is high for one night, in my opinion. So maybe keep looking and then you can give everyone choices.

Edited because formatting is wonky.

lyndausvi

Short answer - yes.


It's never okay to expect people to stay a certain amount of nights either.   $450 in just lodging is a lot of some people.  Even if it's not,  doesn't mean they WANT to spend that much.  

3 nights generally equals vacation time too.  So not only are you asking them to spend 3 nights at $450 they might need to take days off of work to attend.    Don't forget to add in the other stuff like food, gas, etc.

Sorry, but you need to readjust your expectations. 

jacques27

Particularly with such a small wedding, you really should have verified with VIPs (i.e. all of them) that they were fine with a) taking two days off work (since a five hour drive and wanting them to stay Thursday and Friday night means they'll probably have to take at least half of Thursday off), and b) the cost.  You get a wedding day.  Day, singular.  Not a weekend.  If what you wanted was a mini reunion or family vacation (that just so happens to have your wedding smack dab in the middle of it), then you should have been planning this WITH them, so they would have input as to the dates, location, and costs.  You don't get to use your wedding to dictate how other people spend their time and money.

So, with that in mind, you can either scrap your original plan and restart the planning process WITH them, or you can advise them of their options and learn to be ok with them making the best decisions for them and if that means they only stay one night, then so be it and make the best of the time you do have with them there.  That's really all there is to do - you can do all the wishin' and hopin' and expectin' you want, but ultimately you don't get to make those decisions for them.  You only get to control you.

You could offer to pay for everyone, but still know that they may choose to only stay one night depending on what works best for them (work, babysitters, etc.)

banana468

I think that might be a lot too.   

FWIW, that's also a lot of time that you're requesting.   The only person that DH and I have taken that kind of time off for is his brother and SIL.    We'll be doing a DW in a few months and even there we're planning just two nights in the hotel.   3 means two full days of work and that's not the way we want to do it now.

You're also asking for them to drive 5 hours.   Are all the guests driving that distance?   

tigerlily6

The topic is actually a bit relevant to an issue I've been mulling over recently. FBIL is getting married out of the country (FSIL, his fiancee's home country). They are the sweetest couple, but they want to plan a 10 -14 day affair of touring and traveling, and have figured everything out including accommodations and group airfare discounts, which would require everyone to fly there and back together. Plane tickets are gonna be fairly expensive either way, so it makes sense to spend more than just a day and get a little extra bang for our bucks... but it does not seem likely that I will get 2 weeks off from work (if I'm lucky enough to land a good summer internship that only lasts two months, it would look pretty bad to ask for a whole two weeks off). It will also be close to FI's and my 1st anniversary, and while we may take advantage of the foreign trip location, we may want to veer off from the the itinerary after the wedding day, and spend some time on our own apart from family. 

FI and I know that FBIL is trying to share all the happiness and excitement of his wedding with us by giving us a grand tour and being hospitable by doing a lot of the intensive planning for everybody, and I think there is nothing wrong with offering the information and option of his work for guests. It may be exactly what some of them want. But it does put us in an awkward bind when we would like to go to the wedding, but also manage our travel on our own schedule a bit and set our own budget, even if that means doing a bit of extra planning ourselves.  

I know it's not exactly the same as your situation, OP, but I think the same principle is what may be frustrating for your guests. 

ETA words

levioosa

Pps have it covered.  Also, there's a huge difference between $197 for one night and then telling your guests they have to spend $450+  AND stay three nights.  Just the one night was fine for me, thanks.  You can't dictate how your guests spend their money and time.  You should have verified with your VIPs that the cost and distance was okay, but that ship has sailed.  I would just negotiate a per night room cost and let your guests know that they are not required to spend three nights for your wedding. 

banana468

And let's not forget that $450 before taxes and before your guests have even EATEN means that your guests are going to be spending well over $500 and possibly closer to $1000 when all is said and done.

That's not very easy to come by for everyone.   And they may not want to spend their long weekend money on your wedding - KWIM?     Also, the 3 nights you're requesting without any food exceeds the gift budgets for most weddings I've attended.

I think you're really excited about your wedding and that's completely understandable.   But please understand that your wedding isn't that big a deal to them as it is to you.   That doesn't mean that they don't care about you - it's just reality. 

flantastic

jacques27 said:

Particularly with such a small wedding, you really should have verified with VIPs (i.e. all of them) that they were fine with a) taking two days off work (since a five hour drive and wanting them to stay Thursday and Friday night means they'll probably have to take at least half of Thursday off), and b) the cost.  You get a wedding day.  Day, singular.  Not a weekend.  If what you wanted was a mini reunion or family vacation (that just so happens to have your wedding smack dab in the middle of it), then you should have been planning this WITH them, so they would have input as to the dates, location, and costs.  You don't get to use your wedding to dictate how other people spend their time and money.

So, with that in mind, you can either scrap your original plan and restart the planning process WITH them, or you can advise them of their options and learn to be ok with them making the best decisions for them and if that means they only stay one night, then so be it and make the best of the time you do have with them there.  That's really all there is to do - you can do all the wishin' and hopin' and expectin' you want, but ultimately you don't get to make those decisions for them.  You only get to control you.

You could offer to pay for everyone, but still know that they may choose to only stay one night depending on what works best for them (work, babysitters, etc.)

This. PPs have many other good points, but the bolded is what I want to draw attention to.

You're really excited about your wedding, and you want everyone to enjoy each other's company in a way they don't often get to do. That makes sense.

However, just because I may want to spend several days with my family doesn't mean I want to do it on someone else's terms or ideas of what should be a reasonable budget for me. You may have planned something that's too expensive and inconvenient for your family to make it worth the reunion time.

CMGragain

You have planned a destination wedding that is inconvenient and expensive for your guests.  It sounds like your vision got ahead of your guests needs and comfort.

NandJ2017

Thanks for all of your input.  It really helped.  We hadn't booked anything yet, but we decided to book the lodge & cover the whole cost ourselves.  We would rather our guests come than not come due to the cost & if some can only stay 2 nights instead of 3 then I guess we can accept that.  It was confusing because all the other advice boards about destination weddings said that the guests cover their own lodging, but we knew we were being very specific and not providing choices so we could get this deal and have everyone in one place, which is also the location of the wedding itself.  Thanks for your input.

levioosa

NandJ2017 said:

Thanks for all of your input.  It really helped.  We hadn't booked anything yet, but we decided to book the lodge & cover the whole cost ourselves.  We would rather our guests come than not come due to the cost & if some can only stay 2 nights instead of 3 then I guess we can accept that.  It was confusing because all the other advice boards about destination weddings said that the guests cover their own lodging, but we knew we were being very specific and not providing choices so we could get this deal and have everyone in one place, which is also the location of the wedding itself.  Thanks for your input.

Wow.  That was a lot more gracious than I expected. Stick around, and thanks for taking our advice so well.  

STARMOON44

tigerlily6 said:

The topic is actually a bit relevant to an issue I've been mulling over recently. FBIL is getting married out of the country (FSIL, his fiancee's home country). They are the sweetest couple, but they want to plan a 10 -14 day affair of touring and traveling, and have figured everything out including accommodations and group airfare discounts, which would require everyone to fly there and back together. Plane tickets are gonna be fairly expensive either way, so it makes sense to spend more than just a day and get a little extra bang for our bucks... but it does not seem likely that I will get 2 weeks off from work (if I'm lucky enough to land a good summer internship that only lasts two months, it would look pretty bad to ask for a whole two weeks off). It will also be close to FI's and my 1st anniversary, and while we may take advantage of the foreign trip location, we may want to veer off from the the itinerary after the wedding day, and spend some time on our own apart from family. 

FI and I know that FBIL is trying to share all the happiness and excitement of his wedding with us by giving us a grand tour and being hospitable by doing a lot of the intensive planning for everybody, and I think there is nothing wrong with offering the information and option of his work for guests. It may be exactly what some of them want. But it does put us in an awkward bind when we would like to go to the wedding, but also manage our travel on our own schedule a bit and set our own budget, even if that means doing a bit of extra planning ourselves.  

I know it's not exactly the same as your situation, OP, but I think the same principle is what may be frustrating for your guests. 

ETA words

How is this awkward? "This all sounds amazing. Tiger lily probably can't get that much time off work and we'll want to do a few things on our own. We are going to make our own flight and travel arrangements and join you for xyz things."

It's nice of him to offer and totally fine to decline. Just speak up now- don't let him assume through your silence that you're up for it.

tigerlily6

@STARMOON44, you are right, it isn't that bad. I think I just feel kind of awkward about it, because FBIL emailed all the extended family about this plan (with a detailed powerpoint slideshow of all the places we'll be visiting), he asked us to reply with whether we'd be doing only the 7 days or 14 day tour, so that he could get a sense of the numbers. Several aunts and uncles replied to all at once that they were down one way or another very enthusiastically. FI and I replied that we weren't sure we'd be up for either, at which FBIL sounded shocked and rather sad. They ended up moving the date to summer now, too (originally it was during the fall, which would definitely have limited my ability to get time off since I'm in grad school), so he emailed us saying how he's ultimately glad that the date had to get changed since now hopefully more people can make the trip work with their schedules. There's a sense of pressure, but I think we are going to have to stick to our guns. 

lyndausvi

NandJ2017 said:

Thanks for all of your input.  It really helped.  We hadn't booked anything yet, but we decided to book the lodge & cover the whole cost ourselves.  We would rather our guests come than not come due to the cost & if some can only stay 2 nights instead of 3 then I guess we can accept that.  It was confusing because all the other advice boards about destination weddings said that the guests cover their own lodging, but we knew we were being very specific and not providing choices so we could get this deal and have everyone in one place, which is also the location of the wedding itself.  Thanks for your input.

Guests are responsible for their room costs.  However, it's still not up to you to decide where and how long they are to stay in said lodging.


Glad you are able to pick up the costs.  Just be flexible that someone people can not  stay all 3 nights.  Maybe not even 2 nights.    And that is okay.  

Jells2dot0

lyndausvi said:

NandJ2017 said:

Thanks for all of your input.  It really helped.  We hadn't booked anything yet, but we decided to book the lodge & cover the whole cost ourselves.  We would rather our guests come than not come due to the cost & if some can only stay 2 nights instead of 3 then I guess we can accept that.  It was confusing because all the other advice boards about destination weddings said that the guests cover their own lodging, but we knew we were being very specific and not providing choices so we could get this deal and have everyone in one place, which is also the location of the wedding itself.  Thanks for your input.

Guests are responsible for their room costs.  However, it's still not up to you to decide where and how long they are to stay in said lodging.


Glad you are able to pick up the costs.  Just be flexible that someone people can not  stay all 3 nights.  Maybe not even 2 nights.    And that is okay.  

This. 

You'll see on here that with BMs, if hair and makeup are optional, then the bride does not have to offer to pick up the cost. The second it's made "mandatory", then the bride should be picking up the costs for her attendants. The BMs still have the right to decline, of course. Same would go for your guests and their accommodations.

YogaSandy

Yes, it's too much. So is the expectation of staying three nights and always doing stuff together.

You don't get to plan my vacation for me. Even if I decided I wanted to stay at the destination for three nights, I would not be doing any of the extras. DH and I would be doing our own thing, because he gets very limited vacation, and due to his schedule, we don't actually get to spend a lot of time together. I wouldn't give up a while long weekend with him. One day, yes. Four. Nope.

[Deleted User]

This is what you are asking them to spend

• Hotel stay for 3 nights $150 x 3 = $450.00 plus tax
• Gas to travel to destination
• Breakfast for 3 days (unless included in hotel costs)
• Lunch for 3 days
• Dinner for 2 days, 3rd night would be reception
• Taking vacation time for Thursday to travel & Friday for being there, and depending on a person's job, possible time off for the weekend too
• Are you allowing kids to come? If not, finding a sitter for 4 full days because they need a sitter from Thursday through when they get home on Sunday
• If they have pets, a pet sitter or boarding their animals for 4 days, possibly 5 depending on hours of boarding location

So even if you cover the costs of the hotel room for everyone, keep in mind there are a lot of other costs associated with coming to a 3 day event for people and some guests may still decline or not stay for the full period. Also make sure you plan activities for Thursday night and some things for Friday because if you want them there that whole time, you need to plan (and pay for) activities.

coffeetalker1981

3 days is a LOT of time to "mandate" for a wedding weekend. Even when I've been in the party, I've never stayed that long unless it was part of a longer vacation or holiday weekend. 

We're getting married on a holiday weekend, and while we are planning pre- and post-wedding events, I imagine that most people are going to stay over one night. Weekends are precious time for people, especially if they have children or pets.