Etiquette

Asking for Money to Buy Your Dress

Hey all, its been a while since I have been around but a good friend of mine got engaged last month and I am BM in her wedding.  While I love my friend dearly I feel like I got put in an awkward spot lately and just wanted to share...

My friend and I have been friends for about 5 years now, and she is a really great person...although she isn't always great with her money.  I am not sticking my nose in her business but she is the one who is constantly complaining about not having enough money to do anything and being broke.  She was also complaining that her mortgage payment was going up an extra $15 a month and it freaked her out because she wasn't sure she could afford it.  Again, I am not judging her in any way, just providing some context to this discussion.

So Fast forward to last night, we are all at David's Bridal to look at Wedding Gowns and BM's dresses since she is having a short engagement and getting married in early June.  She tries on a few dresses and finds one that she really likes.  It is not a big fancy expensive dress, but she doesn't have the money yet (waiting for her next paycheck).  So the lady that works there says that if she puts down a $150 deposit, they could order the dress and she could receive it once she pays the balance in full.  Unfortunately being as my friend has maxed credit cards and maxed debt she couldn't afford the deposit on her dress.

So here she is in the middle of the store unable to buy the dress she wants.  She turns to us (3 BM's and her Mom) and asks us if she can borrow the money.  Her mom just shook her head no and refused to give her money.  So now us three girls are on the spot...and I felt like a really shitty friend when I told her no.  I had gone in expecting to spend that much on the BM dress, but doubling that amount was NOT in my budget! 

So please, if you're a bride, don't do this to your friends...and also, I'm not crazy fro turning her down right??  I mean I know its totally within my right to refuse to lend someone money regardless if I can afford it or not, but given my friends less than stellar records I just couldn't afford the risk if she didn't pay me back.  (That and I hate lending money amongst friends...it always makes it awkward!!!!)


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Re: Asking for Money to Buy Your Dress

  • That's so sad and wrong of her to ask you for the money.  I think you did the right thing by not loaning her the money (there is no way you would get that back).  I'm nervous for this bride who is planning a wedding in June and doesn't have $150 for a deposit for a dress!
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    CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • You're not crazy for turning her down. She was crazy rude to ask.

    Paychecks generally come every 2 weeks, so if she needs to wait til then to order her dress, then she waits. Oh well.

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    thisismynickname2CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • Thanks ladies...for some reason it just made me feel bad.  Perhaps its the fact that I know she can't really afford some of this stuff but that she keeps pushing to make it happen...she didn't even book her venue until last week, otherwise I wouldn't have bought my dress!
  • Thanks ladies...for some reason it just made me feel bad.  Perhaps its the fact that I know she can't really afford some of this stuff but that she keeps pushing to make it happen...she didn't even book her venue until last week, otherwise I wouldn't have bought my dress!
    You felt bad because you are a good friend who wants to be supportive but I think you need to redirect your support to helping her budget.
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  • laurad75 said:
    That's so sad and wrong of her to ask you for the money.  I think you did the right thing by not loaning her the money (there is no way you would get that back).  I'm nervous for this bride who is planning a wedding in June and doesn't have $150 for a deposit for a dress!
    I'm concerned she doesn't have 15 extra dollars a month for her mortgage. Taxes go up so your total payment goes up. That's the way it is. Sounds like she can't afford her wedding regardless.

    So much of this!!!  It pains me to see the train wreck that her life could so easily become.  Again not being mean, its just hard to watch someone live so close to the edge where a single medical bill or forced week off work would ruin their budgets and/or lives.
    Pinksatin91016short+sassyInLoveInQueens

  • I'm concerned she doesn't have 15 extra dollars a month for her mortgage. Taxes go up so your total payment goes up. That's the way it is. Sounds like she can't afford her wedding regardless.
    QFT
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Her inability to budget is not your problem.  If a $15 mortgage is breaking the bank, she probably shouldn't be spending a ton of money on a big wedding right now.  


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    thisismynickname2short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • Yikes. The extra $15 freakout sounds like a good friend of mine! Seems like her paycheck is always here and gone within a few days. 

    I cannot believe she had the nerve to ask you all to help her put a deposit down for her dress though, that is completely ridiculous. If she couldn't afford a $150 deposit, how was she expecting to pay off the full balance by June?

    (By the way, I thought David's Bridal had a credit card that you had 12 months to pay off with no interest. But it sounds like she doesn't have great credit so maybe she wasn't approved for that? I got my dress at DB though and they kept suggesting the credit card to us. When we asked about putting a payment/deposit on the dress, they said it had to be paid in full or put on the credit card, so I'm surprised they even offered her that option."
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited January 2016
    Sorry, if you do not have $150 for a dress deposit then you have no business buying a dress.   

    Time to look at alternatives.   Consignment shops.   White BM's dresses.   Craigslist.   



    *general you






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    thisismynickname2short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    levioosa said:
    Her inability to budget is not your problem.  If a $15 mortgage is breaking the bank, she probably shouldn't be spending a ton of money on a big wedding right now.  
    This.  Especially the bolded.

  • Yikes. The extra $15 freakout sounds like a good friend of mine! Seems like her paycheck is always here and gone within a few days. 

    I cannot believe she had the nerve to ask you all to help her put a deposit down for her dress though, that is completely ridiculous. If she couldn't afford a $150 deposit, how was she expecting to pay off the full balance by June?

    (By the way, I thought David's Bridal had a credit card that you had 12 months to pay off with no interest. But it sounds like she doesn't have great credit so maybe she wasn't approved for that? I got my dress at DB though and they kept suggesting the credit card to us. When we asked about putting a payment/deposit on the dress, they said it had to be paid in full or put on the credit card, so I'm surprised they even offered her that option."
    She was not approved for this.  The mortgage that she got with her FI was pretty much the max the bank would loan to them from what I understand.  I was honestly surprised too that they worked with her on a payment type option.
  • If she can't afford a dress exactly how is she planning to have a short engagement??

    If you're really close to her I might let her know that it's probably best to come up with a budget before they actually book anything.   And eloping isn't a terrible thing either. 


    InLoveInQueens
  • if she can't afford the $150 deposit on the dress she needs to find a cheaper dress! It would be best for her to wait for the $99 sale they always have although maybe it is too close to her wedding day.

    is she the kind of person who is always bailed out by people and things magically work out? I have a friend like that and it drives me crazy. Sounds like it is good her mom said no, not that you would have any idea of mom's financial situation, but at least she's not perpetuating the crazy in this instance.

    thisismynickname2
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    jacques27 said:
    Her own mom wouldn't even do it. That's a sign you did the right thing.
    Yup. I mean my mom bought my wedding dress (as well as my sisters' wedding dresses too). But if her own mother won't give her the money, she has some nerve asking her friends.
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  • I'm also going to be snarky and maybe her mom is in on it and wants to see how many people are willing to pay for her dress.

    Wow, I know too many shitty people to be thinking like this LOL.
    kimmiinthemitten
  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    You definitely did the right thing by not giving her the money. Even if you had ended up giving her the money for the dress, how would she be able to afford alterations? Even if she got them done somewhere else, it's not cheap. 
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  • You did the right thing. If you paid for the dress you would only be enabling her poor money habits.

    This clearly isn't a new issue- and it's a big issue that friend needs to deal with (but that isn't your responsibility).

    Sounds like she cannot afford this wedding at all, and really should be considering the courthouse. 
  • You definitely did the right thing, and she was more than rude to ask.  Sounds like she needs to get a second job.
    short+sassy
  • I'm seriously curious what her plan was when she took you shopping with no way of paying for the dress/no kind benefactor (mom) to pick up the tab.
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    JediElizabeth
  • I'm seriously curious what her plan was when she took you shopping with no way of paying for the dress/no kind benefactor (mom) to pick up the tab.

    Because the mantra of people with that kind of money management skills is "I'm sure it'll work out somehow."
    100yroldblinddogBlue_Bird
  • Your friend does not know how to manage money.  I seriously doubt that this wedding will even take place as planned.  This is the perfect situation for a simple ceremony without all the trappings of the wedding industry.  I really hope you don't get stuck with the dress you ordered for yourself.  Good luck, and stick to your guns.
    If you want to be a real friend, counsel the bride to be to simplify her wedding plans.
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  • FI and I live pretty tight right now. But, in order to pay for the wedding We want (and can afford) I got a second job. And we are having a longer engagement then planned because a few big money issues came up. More time to save. FI is trying to see if the VA can place him at a job, or job training.

    You don't go dress shopping without money for a dress. $15 is messing up her world then how are they affording the marriage license?

    OliveOilsMom
  • jacques27 said:
    Her own mom wouldn't even do it. That's a sign you did the right thing.

    This is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I read your post.

    Not to mention, if you think about it, she went to try on dresses KNOWING she was going to ask her mom/you all for money!  $150 isn't a crazy sum of money for a deposit.  Yet she didn't have it and knew she didn't have it.

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    charlotte989875
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