Wedding Woes

Just a wondering....

collegechiccollegechic member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
edited January 2016 in Wedding Woes
Does anyone have experience on a parent (in my case the FFIL) threatening not to come to the wedding and if so do they usually come around or stick to their threat? Its tearing me apart to see my FI so hurt...

Re: Just a wondering....

  • Does anyone have experience on a parent (in my case the FFIL) threatening not to come to the wedding and if so do they usually come around or stick to their threat? Its tearing me apart to see my FH so hurt...

    This sounds awful @collegechic I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I don't personally have experience of this, but it happened to a close friend and she was kind of devastated. I can't bear this kind of emotional manipulation. What are his reasons for not attending? Obviously there are two sides to every story but I just can't fathom the level of doucheyness (is that even a word?) one would have to reach that would stop them attending or threatening non attendance to their children.

    I know its easy for me to say, but if FFIL doesn't back down then unfortunately he doesn't attend. If you guys give in to whatever has his knickers in a twist then think about the precedent that will set in your married life.
                 
  • I'm so sorry.  Usually this happens in order to manipulate a situation, and it's not new behavior.  Honestly, in that case I'd rather not have contact with the manipulating party.  Does FFIL usually pull stunts like this?  The only time I think I've seen it be a legitimate threat that I agreed with was with a situation that included past abuse.  

    The proper response from FI should be, "Sorry you feel that way, we'll miss you," and then shut down any complaints from there. I need to know more about the situation, but usually we advise people not to compromise (usually the source of the manipulation) because it only leads to more manipulation in the future.  Boundaries are your friend, and toxic people don't get an automatic pass into your life because they are blood related.  

    Oh, I take it back, my grandmother tried to pull this shit with my aunt at my cousin's wedding.  She said if my aunt was there, she wouldn't attend.  Guess who was there the day of the wedding?  Obviously you can't know for sure, but I'd say about half of the time it's a big fat bluff. 


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  • collegechiccollegechic member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited January 2016
    Does anyone have experience on a parent (in my case the FFIL) threatening not to come to the wedding and if so do they usually come around or stick to their threat? Its tearing me apart to see my FH so hurt...
    This sounds awful @collegechic I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I don't personally have experience of this, but it happened to a close friend and she was kind of devastated. I can't bear this kind of emotional manipulation. What are his reasons for not attending? Obviously there are two sides to every story but I just can't fathom the level of doucheyness (is that even a word?) one would have to reach that would stop them attending or threatening non attendance to their children. I know its easy for me to say, but if FFIL doesn't back down then unfortunately he doesn't attend. If you guys give in to whatever has his knickers in a twist then think about the precedent that will set in your married life.
    My sympathies to your friend...its not easy.  Not because he's hurting me, but because he's hurting his own son and ultimately (unless his attitude goes through a massive improvement) himself.  Even if we wanted to give in to his demands - which we have already tried by postponing the wedding once - it wouldn't help...we together can't fix the chief complaint he has.

    levioosa said:
    I'm so sorry.  Usually this happens in order to manipulate a situation, and it's not new behavior.  Honestly, in that case I'd rather not have contact with the manipulating party.  Does FFIL usually pull stunts like this?  The only time I think I've seen it be a legitimate threat that I agreed with was with a situation that included past abuse.  

    The proper response from FI should be, "Sorry you feel that way, we'll miss you," and then shut down any complaints from there. I need to know more about the situation, but usually we advise people not to compromise (usually the source of the manipulation) because it only leads to more manipulation in the future.  Boundaries are your friend, and toxic people don't get an automatic pass into your life because they are blood related.  

    Oh, I take it back, my grandmother tried to pull this shit with my aunt at my cousin's wedding.  She said if my aunt was there, she wouldn't attend.  Guess who was there the day of the wedding?  Obviously you can't know for sure, but I'd say about half of the time it's a big fat bluff. 
    Unfortunately this man is known for his temper tantrums...even his wife skips around him.  Only his daughter just lives her life and doesn't care.  He's not the only one in that family, but I can take their bashes to me because I've heard it all and I couldn't care less (FSIL insinuated that because I have very minor physical limitation that I wasn't worthy of marriage, and that I was too fat).  They didn't threat nonattendance, and are even trying to get along with me now and embrace the marriage.  I even had some bonding experiences with my FSIL and FMIL (who is clearly the only sane one).  Forgiveness, fine.  I'm okay with that.  This man, my FFIL, is simply maddening...

    In a nutshell @levioosa and @glasgowtolondon - and to summarize 3 years of this man's manipulative behavior - the FFIL believes that we are "just playing house", that I am "ruining his life" (which is certainly not true by any stretch of the imagination), and believes that his son should date/kiss at least 10 girls before settling down because he "can't possible know what he wants" until he has done so (this one has excused written alllll over it).  A lot of these things are things he said when my FI first told FFIL that he wanted to marry me or the night we were engaged (total buzz kill).

    We were going to get married last year, after graduating from undergrad, on Oct 17th our anniversary, but he threatened to completely disown his son and kick out...the whole 9 yards.  So we postponed it 2 years, got a domestic partnership (mostly for grad school housing so we could live on campus together) to mark the occasion instead, and apparently that's still not good enough for him...  The heart-breaking thing is that my FI was going to ask his father to be the officiant (FFIL is a retired pastor and military chaplain), but now he's not so sure he wants to even bother asking.  His reaction to our engagement has just been frustrating and hurtful...and asking him to take on such an important duty would just give him too much power.  FMIL even recommended waiting or not even asking.

    I don't want to give in him to a second time because I can easily see that would be setting ourselves up for his nose butting into every little aspect and detail of our lives forever.  My FI has been able to respectfully hold his ground now, now that he's finally realized there no way to make the man happy (its either lack of attendance or total disownment).  I'm just appalled that a grown man, a man of the church no less, would stoop to such levels...  For my FI's sake, I really hope he's like your grandmother @levioosa and that's just full of hot air...  My FI remains hopeful, to me it looks like it could go either way.

    His exact words this second time with the not going to the wedding threat were that he "wouldn't go if things weren't done the right [aka his] way"...

    EDIT: Gosh that's long...sorry I tried to summarize it all...
  • Hell. No.

    This guy sounds like a fucking awful human being. I actually think him refusing to attend might be the best possible outcome but I really feel for your FI as I don't blame him for feeling incredibly hurt. FFIL needs to be allowed to follow his threats through to the end if thats what he wants to do. Maybe he'll attend, maybe he won't. You and your FI will be better off leaving himto stew in his own juices.

    Be like your FSIL, I bet she is happier than anyone else in that family by setting, and living by, clear boundaries. As @levioosa so rightly says, blood doesnt get you a pass for bad behaviour.
                 
  • OP, I'm sorry. This sucks. I agree with PPs and since you asked, I'll tell you my experience.

    My MIL is a total ass. She sounds very similar to your FFIL - her way or it's fucking wrong. H is her only child and MIL seemed to like me until H and I moved in together. Then it was almost like, a competition with her. It was really strange (he'd tell her I made dinner and she'd tell him she makes the same thing only better, telling me how to make him sandwiches, just weird little shit like that).

    When we got engaged, MIL got all excited about it - but for herself. She was excited for all her friends to see HER SON get married and how great she'd raised her son to be. Welp, you're SOL, MIL because we wanted a very small destination wedding. MIL has 10 (all married) siblings and H doesn't know any of them. Met them a handful of times in his life. We're not inviting them. Temper tantrums, threats, crying, more threats, etc. ensues. H doesn't budge. Sorry, bro. She wants us to have a wedding at home so we can afford to invite her friends and family that we don't know. MIL and stepdad tried to tell H that "his actions follow him into the afterlife" (which is totally humorously ironic because they were the ones acting like total fuckheads) and blah blah blah. After a little while of this (oh yeah, and telling H that he's too unstable to be executor of their will), they decide they don't "feel welcome" at our wedding. H tells them that he's sorry and he'll miss them and hopes they change their mind and moves on with his life.

    A few months of not talking, and MIL starts being nicer and pretending to be excited about the wedding. Booked a room, blah blah blah. Then, a month before the wedding, my mom becomes critically ill and we cancel the wedding. MIL pretends to be joking and says "oh, so you'll change the wedding for ShesSoCold's mom but not me". Um, yeah bitch. My mom is DYING. You're just an ass.

    Anyway, on the wedding day she comes and she's nice and fine. Other than smoking pot in the bathroom, no issues. She's trying to get back on H's good side, which is great, but really hard for me. She's not my mom so I don't have this prior love for her and I saw all the hurt and bullshit she put H through so it's harder for me to forgive her and move on. I'm trying (per H's request only), but it's going to take me a while to let her back in.

    So, OP, my advice to you, is to let your FI take the reins here. It's his father. Support him in whatever he decides to do with his dad, but also give him your thoughts and opinions on his involvement in the wedding (try to do so without talking shit about him, which was mega hard for me).


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  • I have a few questions 
    1) are you and FI financially supporting yourselves?
    2) is FFIL paying for anything related to your wedding?
    3) how is your FI currently managing the situation with his dad?
    4) what is your H's current relationship with his father? 

    based on what you've told us, I don't think it's a great choice to ask the guy to officiate, considering he doesn't sound like he supports the marriage (or even your relationship) in any way. 

    I'm also wondering if you've taken as step back to look at the bigger picture - if FFIL is being such a pain in the ass now, how will you and your H deal with this in the future? How much time will you spend with him, will your H be willing to cut ties if he continues to be disrespectful of you, what happens if you have children or have a another big life event (illness/injury, move, etc.)?

  • Oh wow...thank you for sharing that @ShesSoCold , hopefully he doesn't get that bad that sounds awful... I have given him (FI) reigns on dealing with his family when they throw an upset, and so far him and my FMIL seem to be able to work peace back into the family for a while before something sparks up again. It is very hard not to bad talk my FFIL...especially not to my own family. I don't want to create further discord between the two families.

    @*Barbie* we're both still students (I just recently graduated and we'll be starting grad school this August) but for the most part we're self sufficient. We both work, pay our own bills, and aside from when my parents send a care package we buy our own groceries. So far, all wedding expenses have fallen on us and my family, the only tall of help from the in-laws has been from my FMIL and it was only for the rehearsal dinner. We've been paying for everything thus far (with some help from my parents), and I feel like that's pretty much how that's going to stay, which I'm fine with.

    My FI has actually been handling it surprisingly well. At first he was frantic to try and make everyone happy, but now he's realized that isn't a possibility. I've actually asked him, worst case scenario, what he would do if he father made him choose. I told him to think about it and be honest, and his answer was an amazingly special proposal! They've always had a rocky relationship, his Dad has been known to be verbally abusive and explosive with his temper. He still loves and respect his father, but I wouldn't say they were close by any means...

    As far as the future goes...we've discussed it. We've discussed that bad attitude won't be tolerated, but we still want them involved in the lives of any children we have. We've also recently talked about the FFIL not being the officiant (and even my FMIL agrees with that) because he is so unpredictable. So we're going to move forward with hiring a 3rd party officiant.
  • collegechiccollegechic member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited January 2016
    ((I had to go throw and edit all the "FH"s because I thought it meant "future husband" lolz, forgive the sleep deprivation it's been a long week. Sorry for any confusion!))

    ETA: Bleh I just looked up the acronyms lolz...sorry for the disorientation. My Mom is going through heart failure and I've been helping her keep track of all her appointments and everything so I'm a bit disoriented atm.
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