MOB and MOG dresses-cross posted

RosesAreRed13

Hello all!

So I've been trying to read up on how the mother of the bride dress and mother of the groom dress shopping should be handled. Let me first begin with my wedding is a little over a year and a half away and the MOG has already began shopping.  I have not started shopping at all and won't be until this fall.  In my opinion, I believe the bride should choose her dress first.  It sets the tone and style for everyone else in the bridal party.   So my first question is how do you feel about this?  Also, my mom has a very classic sense of style where my future mother in law has a very flashy and dramatic sense of style.  I would really like them to compliment eachother and my fear is the MOG will over dress, not just compared to my mom, but even compared to me!  Do I have a say in what they wear?  If so, how do I handle this *awkward* conversation?

ILoveBeachMusic

Don't dictate what they wear. My daughter insisted on the dress I wore. Even though it was a beautiful dress, I wouldn't have spent that much on a dress. I would have preferred another dress. I regret not standing my ground! My dress and the MOG's dress were nothing alike but it didn't matter because we were in just a few pictures together. Just because the MOG has been shopping doesn't mean she will buy her dress now. 

STARMOON44

None of this. She shows up in clothes, your mom also wears clothes, you wear clothes, everything is fine. All three of you get to choose your own clothes and wear whatever you would like. 

lyndausvi

Your FMIL dresses flashy and dramatic in her everyday life.      You are not going to change her.   Lower your expectations now and let it go.

kvruns

Let them wear whatever they want, no need for input. 

flantastic

Knottie1446491565 said:

Hello all!

So I've been trying to read up on how the mother of the bride dress and mother of the groom dress shopping should be handled. Let me first begin with my wedding is a little over a year and a half away and the MOG has already began shopping.  I have not started shopping at all and won't be until this fall.  In my opinion, I believe the bride should choose her dress first.  It sets the tone and style for everyone else in the bridal party.   So my first question is how do you feel about this?  Also, my mom has a very classic sense of style where my future mother in law has a very flashy and dramatic sense of style.  I would really like them to compliment eachother and my fear is the MOG will over dress, not just compared to my mom, but even compared to me!  Do I have a say in what they wear?  If so, how do I handle this *awkward* conversation?

The MOB and MOG are not in your bridal party - thus, you have no say over what they wear and you don't have to have the conversation! Awkwardness averted! Let them be comfortable.

holyguacamole79

I agree with the others.  The mothers should select their dresses independently of anything else.  

crys-crys

My mom and mother-in-law actually both walked down the aisle before me (my mom walked with my grandmother and my in-laws walked in together) and i would never have considered telling them what to wear. I had no clue what my mom, grandma or mother-in-law had chosen to wear before I saw them at the wedding. Please don't try to tell your mom or fmil what to wear.

Viczaesar

Knottie1446491565 said:

Hello all!

So I've been trying to read up on how the mother of the bride dress and mother of the groom dress shopping should be handled. Let me first begin with my wedding is a little over a year and a half away and the MOG has already began shopping.  I have not started shopping at all and won't be until this fall.  In my opinion, I believe the bride should choose her dress first.  It sets the tone and style for everyone else in the bridal party.   So my first question is how do you feel about this?  Also, my mom has a very classic sense of style where my future mother in law has a very flashy and dramatic sense of style.  I would really like them to compliment eachother and my fear is the MOG will over dress, not just compared to my mom, but even compared to me!  Do I have a say in what they wear?  If so, how do I handle this *awkward* conversation?

No, you don't have a say in what they wear or in when they buy it.  The MOG and MOB are not in the wedding party and can wear whatever they want.

missfrodo

My mom and MIL showed up wearing what they wanted, without consulting each other.  I still have their pictures hanging next to each other from the wedding, and they look fine.  Also, I don't have any pics of mom and MIL together--we did a pic with his parents, then one with mine, so even if they'd coordinated colors or whatever, it wouldn't have mattered picture-wise b/c they're never photographed side by side.  All I did was give them corsages (all in white so it wouldn't clash with whatever they wore), and it was up to them if they wanted to wear those or not.  

climbingsingle

No. You let the MOG and the MOB pick out whatever they want to wear. That's it. END. Do not tell them they can't look until you find your dress. Don't tell them what kind of dress they can wear, or what color. They do not need to compliment each other.You literally do nothing and let them choose whatever they want. 

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  You don't need to say anything or really even get a say in what the MOB and MOG wear.  Each should wear what she is most comfortable in, regardless of style or color.

It can be tradition (but certainly isn't etiquette) that the parents of the wedding couple opt to coordinate their outfits with each other or with the wedding colors, but that isn't a necessity. Those individuals elect to do so on their own.  This happens in my family - and DH's - so when we got married (colors: royal blue, white, silver) my mom picked a dress in a charcoal gray and my MIL wore navy. One dress was short and one was long; about the only common element was that they both had jackets.  My dad and step-dad rented tuxes, FIL wore a gray suit.  Everyone looked fine in the one picture we had all together.  If they had worn "clashing" colors, that's what black and white prints are for!

Don't worry about this!

thefanciestbeckler

Let them wear whatever. My mom spent MONTHS picking out the perfect dress. I didn't care what it looked like, I just wanted her to feel beautiful.

The day before the wedding rolled around, and she got a horrible UTI and ended up in an emergency clinic. She ended up wearing a maxi skirt, cotton tank, and hiking sandals on the day of the wedding because that's what she felt comfortable in that day.

There's just really no point in stressing over this.

ETF words

OliveOilsMom

MIL bought her dress before we even picked a date or a venue!  Did I think that was crazy?  YES!  But only because we still didn't know how long our engagement would have been and I would have felt bad if she could not have worn that dress because she either gained or lost a lot of weight.  That is all.  I didn't even care what color it was or what it looked liked.  She obviously felt beautiful in it to buy it so early. 

Let this dress obsession go.  You will drive yourself crazy trying to nit-pick every aspect of your wedding.

FWIW, story time!  I was in a wedding where the MOB and MOG were exactly as you descript your mom and FMIL.  The bride was telling us the horror story of MOG's dress.  How she picked our a dress that had almost see through sleeves with a lacy pattern over the sleeves and a tight fitting bodice, etc.  Day of the wedding, I take one look at MOG and see how lovely and glowing she is!  The dress was no where near the bride's descriptions.  It was a lace overlay along the arms and across the shoulders and very top half of the chest.  There wasn't even a smidge of cleavage showing!  Where the bride picked up her description, I will never know.  But it was one of many nit-picks that bride obsessed over, when she didn't need to even think about it.

holyguacamole79

@thefanciestbeckler , ouch ... that stinks for your mom!  

kmmssg

You definitely need to slow your roll there. 4 time MOB here and I can tell you that none of my girls would have even THOUGHT to tell me what to wear and what color. Each mom will dress in a way that makes her feel beautiful - as it should be. Neither mom is part of the wedding party - as it should be You do not get to tell them what to wear - as it should be.

MandyMost

If you really have no idea yet what formality your wedding will be, then I think you have a point. Like, if you're considering a backyard barbeque where you where a short cotton sundress and also a formal black-tie event, then no one should be shopping yet. However, 99% of all the weddings I've been to have had essentially the same "dress code" for all of the guests (including parents), which is typically semi-formal for the parents and cocktail-to-semi-formal for the guests. I know that unless I'm specifically told differently (either directly, or by interpretation of the invitation) I always wear the same formality of dress as a wedding guest. 

So aside from not deciding on the formality, there is NOTHING that the mothers need to wait for to start shopping!

Heffalump

I'm not a fan of coordinating outfits in general, and even less so when the MOB and MOG sound like very different people.  Since they wouldn't ordinarily coordinate their outfits (if you were hosting a brunch or a dinner party or whatever), why should they for a wedding?

My mom and my MIL wore completely different colors and styles of dresses.  Both loved what they wore.  Both were happy, so we were happy.  The end.

banana468

I think you need to let it go.   Moms should be comfortable in what they're wearing.   If you're having a backyard BBQ and your FI is planning to wear cargo shorts and Birks, you can tell your FMIL that a glitzy dress with beading is lovely but you just want her to know that you plan to wear X.   Beyond that, I think this is one of those things that isn't worth worrying about.

FWIW, my MIL had such difficulties shopping for a MOG dress.   She's "barrel-shaped" (her own description) with a large waist and large chest.   Why the bridal shops in her area (FFLD County, CT) didn't have a quality selection of dresses for her to try on I don't know.   But she continued to talk about leaving the shopping trips discouraged with saleswomen talking about how her breasts were in the wrong bra, needed lifting or they selected dresses that made her look so matronly.   It wasn't the desired look she wanted.   Finally she went to the same place where I found my dress.   They talked to her and ultimately sent her to a local dressmaker.   She wound up paying more for her "dress" (a skirt, jacket and shell) than my mom did for my gown.   But she looked fabulous in it.

Flash forward to 6 months after our wedding and BIL was engaged.   MIL said, "I'm wearing that dress again."  There was no issue and frankly, there shouldn't have been.  The woman found something that she liked and she made use of it. 

Jen4948

I think trying to control what the mothers wear and when they obtain their attire, let alone getting them to match or coordinate with a tone set by you, is a lost cause.

PamBeesly524

MandyMost said:

If you really have no idea yet what formality your wedding will be, then I think you have a point. Like, if you're considering a backyard barbeque where you where a short cotton sundress and also a formal black-tie event, then no one should be shopping yet. However, 99% of all the weddings I've been to have had essentially the same "dress code" for all of the guests (including parents), which is typically semi-formal for the parents and cocktail-to-semi-formal for the guests. I know that unless I'm specifically told differently (either directly, or by interpretation of the invitation) I always wear the same formality of dress as a wedding guest. 

So aside from not deciding on the formality, there is NOTHING that the mothers need to wait for to start shopping!

But if the mothers want to wear a fancy dress regardless of where the wedding is held, what does it matter? It's not going to have any bearing on the bride in any way, shape or form.

levioosa

It's an awkward conversation because it shouldn't happen in the first place.  Don't dictate what they wear.  Let them wear whatever they feel beautiful in.  Dictate your own dress.  

ILoveBeachMusic

banana468 said:

I think you need to let it go.   Moms should be comfortable in what they're wearing.   If you're having a backyard BBQ and your FI is planning to wear cargo shorts and Birks, you can tell your FMIL that a glitzy dress with beading is lovely but you just want her to know that you plan to wear X.   Beyond that, I think this is one of those things that isn't worth worrying about.

FWIW, my MIL had such difficulties shopping for a MOG dress.   She's "barrel-shaped" (her own description) with a large waist and large chest.   Why the bridal shops in her area (FFLD County, CT) didn't have a quality selection of dresses for her to try on I don't know.   But she continued to talk about leaving the shopping trips discouraged with saleswomen talking about how her breasts were in the wrong bra, needed lifting or they selected dresses that made her look so matronly.   It wasn't the desired look she wanted.   Finally she went to the same place where I found my dress.   They talked to her and ultimately sent her to a local dressmaker.   She wound up paying more for her "dress" (a skirt, jacket and shell) than my mom did for my gown.   But she looked fabulous in it.

Flash forward to 6 months after our wedding and BIL was engaged.   MIL said, "I'm wearing that dress again."  There was no issue and frankly, there shouldn't have been.  The woman found something that she liked and she made use of it. 

I said I'd wear my MOB dress as MOG (son just got engaged) but people were telling me I couldn't do that! Glad to know someone did it! I just need to wait to see formality of his wedding - it could be very casual. If it is, my MOB dress wouldn't work.

ILoveBeachMusic

PamBeesly524 said:

MandyMost said:

If you really have no idea yet what formality your wedding will be, then I think you have a point. Like, if you're considering a backyard barbeque where you where a short cotton sundress and also a formal black-tie event, then no one should be shopping yet. However, 99% of all the weddings I've been to have had essentially the same "dress code" for all of the guests (including parents), which is typically semi-formal for the parents and cocktail-to-semi-formal for the guests. I know that unless I'm specifically told differently (either directly, or by interpretation of the invitation) I always wear the same formality of dress as a wedding guest. 

So aside from not deciding on the formality, there is NOTHING that the mothers need to wait for to start shopping!

But if the mothers want to wear a fancy dress regardless of where the wedding is held, what does it matter? It's not going to have any bearing on the bride in any way, shape or form.

True, but they might appreciate knowing the formality so that they do match that. I know I would feel uncomfortable to be way overdressed at a casual wedding. If they don't care, then that is fine.

nerdwife

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

I think you need to let it go.   Moms should be comfortable in what they're wearing.   If you're having a backyard BBQ and your FI is planning to wear cargo shorts and Birks, you can tell your FMIL that a glitzy dress with beading is lovely but you just want her to know that you plan to wear X.   Beyond that, I think this is one of those things that isn't worth worrying about.

FWIW, my MIL had such difficulties shopping for a MOG dress.   She's "barrel-shaped" (her own description) with a large waist and large chest.   Why the bridal shops in her area (FFLD County, CT) didn't have a quality selection of dresses for her to try on I don't know.   But she continued to talk about leaving the shopping trips discouraged with saleswomen talking about how her breasts were in the wrong bra, needed lifting or they selected dresses that made her look so matronly.   It wasn't the desired look she wanted.   Finally she went to the same place where I found my dress.   They talked to her and ultimately sent her to a local dressmaker.   She wound up paying more for her "dress" (a skirt, jacket and shell) than my mom did for my gown.   But she looked fabulous in it.

Flash forward to 6 months after our wedding and BIL was engaged.   MIL said, "I'm wearing that dress again."  There was no issue and frankly, there shouldn't have been.  The woman found something that she liked and she made use of it. 

I said I'd wear my MOB dress as MOG (son just got engaged) but people were telling me I couldn't do that! Glad to know someone did it! I just need to wait to see formality of his wedding - it could be very casual. If it is, my MOB dress wouldn't work.

I'm getting married a little over two months before my brother and I would love it if my mom would wear the same dress, but she has already refused

[Deleted User]

I would not dictate what my moms wear. I did however give them a color scheme. They both choose to get the same color dress but two different styles. They both sent me pictures of their dresses before buying for approval. I told them whatever they want! = )

Viczaesar

FutureBritLehr said:

I would not dictate what my moms wear. I did however give them a color scheme. They both choose to get the same color dress but two different styles. They both sent me pictures of their dresses before buying for approval. I told them whatever they want! = )

You shouldn't even have done that.

dyerwise

WHHHHHY do you care?!

I've told both my Mother and my FMIL to wear whatever they feel comfortable in.

My Mom and FMIL have decided to shop together to avoid being "too matchy matchy but not mismatchy", their words not mine!

floridabride44

FutureBritLehr said:

I would not dictate what my moms wear. I did however give them a color scheme. They both choose to get the same color dress but two different styles. They both sent me pictures of their dresses before buying for approval. I told them whatever they want! = )

That counts as dictating, does it not?

Lala9414

i told my mom and my FMIL to wear what they want! and my mom wants to wear a royal blue dress (my colors are blue and white) which is fine! she said she wanted to match my colors and that's completely okay. my FMIL said she will also likely be wearing blue because she loves the way she looks in blue! perfectly fine as well! point is, dont dictate what they wear. They are grown women who are seeing their children get married, so what if your FMIL wants to be flashy. She deserves to want to dress that way, her son is getting married! and if thats what she wants so be it. if your mom wants to be more lowkey then so be it. just let it go, you'll save yourself a headache or two

holyguacamole79

MandyMost said:

If you really have no idea yet what formality your wedding will be, then I think you have a point. Like, if you're considering a backyard barbeque where you where a short cotton sundress and also a formal black-tie event, then no one should be shopping yet. However, 99% of all the weddings I've been to have had essentially the same "dress code" for all of the guests (including parents), which is typically semi-formal for the parents and cocktail-to-semi-formal for the guests. I know that unless I'm specifically told differently (either directly, or by interpretation of the invitation) I always wear the same formality of dress as a wedding guest. 

So aside from not deciding on the formality, there is NOTHING that the mothers need to wait for to start shopping


Blah boxes. 

To the bolded, I'm sure I know what you mean, but I'd like to clarify. 

We had an afternoon Catholic wedding.   My husband and the men in the BP were in tuxes.  My brother wire a black shirt and khakis.  No big deal. 

As the bridesmaids processed in, one of DH's uncles walked up the aisle (disrupting the procession) wearing jeans, leather vest, a t-shirt,and biker boots.  It's something we look back on and laugh (I had no idea this happened until weeks after the wedding).

The moms will likely know the vibe of the wedding.   If she wants to wear a gown to a bbq?  Her call.   Unless your venue has specific requirements, there is nothing to be said to anyone.