How to deal with flaking in-laws filled with empty promises?

[Deleted User]

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises.  Let's first start with my mother in law.  We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right?  So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude.  Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this;  were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business.  Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces.  I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through. 

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

themosthappy91

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises.  Let's first start with my mother in law.  We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right?  So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude.  Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this;  were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business.  Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces.  I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through. 

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

Okay, I'm going to try to respond to this as gently and succinctly as possible, but there is a lot going on here.

1. This post is not going to go over well in this community because, frankly, you sound very spoiled and do not present yourself in a good light here. I PROMISE you that many, many regular posters on this forum have posted similar things, gotten called out on their rude behavior, and learned a valuable lesson from it so please don't be scared away by blunt comments (which you will get). Take what they say to heart and know that everyone understands people sometimes get wedding goggles and don't realize how absurd they are being- I know I've been there.

2. You should never, ever have asked your in-laws (or parents) if they are financially contributing to your wedding. It was rude to put them in that position and honestly I can't fault them that much for avoiding responding to you, because they never should have been asked that in the first place. You should be planning the wedding you can afford and trust that if they want to help out they will offer on their own account.

3. To me, it is not really an admirable quality that your parents would delay their retirement just to pay for your wedding- that seems a little crazy and I don't understand why you and your FI would even consider letting them do that. If they want to contribute what they can comfortably afford right now that's a lovely gesture, it seems like everyone's priorities are way out of whack if they are literally considering working an extra year to pay for a party.

4. The whole bit about your FSIL shoes and hair is confusing because she/her parents never should have been expected to pay for those things in the first place. If you want her to wear certain shoes or have her hair professionally done, as the bride you are 100% expected to pay for that. If you didn't want to pay for those thing she should have had the option to decline getting them, which I'm not sure she had from the way you phrased it.

5. You should absolutely still give gifts and honor your FILs because they really haven't done anything wrong other than be put in a bad position by you and not handle it as maturely as they maybe could have. When brides and grooms honor their parents at the wedding, it's a way of thanking them for raising this great person you are getting to marry- not thanking them for their financial contributions to the day itself.

My advice would be to apologize for putting them on the spot by asking for money and plan the wedding you and your H can afford with whatever help your parents want to give within reason. I hate to say it but you and your FI are really the ones in the wrong here.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises.  Let's first start with my mother in law.  We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. You should never ask people for money.  It's rude.  If your parents intend on giving you money towards your wedding, they will, without being asked.  In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.  You guys put her in an awkward and uncomfortable position, and IMO she's trying to gently give you guys the hint that she doesn't care to contribute to your wedding. . . by not responding.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right?  So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude.  Uh, no.  You and your FI are adults, I assume since you are getting married, and you and your FI are the ones getting married so you two should be the ones to pay for it.  Surprise, right?  Your FMIL is in no way negligent if she is choosing not to contribute to your wedding.  Traditionally the bride's father arranged the marriage and provided a dowry of money, land, and goods to the groom. . . is your father doing that?  Is he negligent if he is not?  Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this;  were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.   You are projecting too much on your FMIL.  I think it's safer to assume that she assumes since her son is a bloody adult that he should be able to pay for his own wedding, and if not he should have the sense to lengthen the engagement to save up for his wedding, or scale back the wedding plans to something that he can actually afford, or perhaps get a second job to bring in extra cash, etc.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business.  What?  What does this even mean?  Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?  Depending on your attitude and her son's attitude, yes, I can believe she might be limiting contact with you guys.  If you want to do something nice for someone, you should just do it. . . without expecting a pat on the head for doing the right thing, then getting butthurt when you don't get that head pat.

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.  Don't count on other people's money until the cold, hard cash is literally in your hands or they check has cleared in your bank account.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces.  If you or he directly asked people for money, you put them in an awkward position.  NO ONE is under any obligation to help you two pay for your own wedding- not his parents nor yours.  If your parents choose to give you money, that's fantastic, but don't expect the same from others and then get angry at them when they choose not to give you money.  I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person.  I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through.  You can't really control how he feels, though.  Sure you can be supportive and try to raise his spirits, but if he's going to be upset that's just something he has to work through on his own.  If he feels bummed out that his parents aren't giving him money for his wedding, that's an issue of him learning to manage his expectations. . . in that he never should have expected the money in the 1st place.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well. 

That's super, super, fucking petty.  Gifts are not quid pro quo transactions, they are meant to be a heartfelt token of appreciation for another person.  Don't act like petulant, spoiled brats, please.

I'm telling you right now- forget about getting money from his parents.  It's not going to happen.  Don't be foolish and add this fictions contribution from his parents into your wedding budget, spending money you don't have, which will then result in you scrambling to make up the difference later on.  We see that shit all the time on these boards, and it never ends well. . . for the guests that attend these weddings, because the couple almost always plans on cutting back on things that matter to the guests (food, drink, seating, etc.) rather than cutting back on the superfluous crap that doesn't matter to the guests but are a part of the couple's "vision" (flowers, decor, centerpieces, bridal gown, etc.)

Don't be that couple.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

Being "there for you during this time" SHOULD NOT actually mean "those that gave us money for our glorified party."  Because that is exactly what you are inferring with that phrase in the context of your post, and that's all a wedding reception is- a glorified party.

You should thank anyone and everyone who was there for you during this time in that they supported and embraced your relationship with your FI.

Stop being spiteful and petty.

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

No.  Stop fucking asking people for money.  Take the hint- you already asked his parents for money, their silence should be telling.  And get the fuck over the fact that they don't want to give you guys money.  You're not entitled to their money to pay for your own damn wedding!

Sure, it would be great if they paid for the RD or gave you a chunk of money for the reception, like your parents, and be a little bummed.  But recognize that, again, you two are adults who should be capable of paying for your own events, on your own, and move on.

Stop being dramatic and extrapolating this situation out to how your FIL will be with your nonexistant children, and stop fanning this flame with your FI.  If he has issues with disappointment with his parents stemming from childhood, he should probably start working those issues out.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

People who don't want to pay for other people's glorified parties lack integrity?  You are super judgmental and entitled, and it's unbecoming. 

CMGragain

This is a double post.  Go to the other identical post to respond.  That is where the action is!