How to deal with flaking in-laws filled with empty promises?

RomanceManaged

While I think the OP is disgusting in her attitude and outlook of the wedding, I will agree that linking this post was absolutely rude. And stalkery.

I totally get reading posts and checking WW for more BSC stuff, I just did it too. But its another to attack someone like that.

 May this be a PBS special on internet safety.

Viczaesar

PPs have covered the various train wrecks going on in this thread well; I just came to see if I'm the only one that thinks "flaking in-laws filled with empty promises" sounds like the saddest pastry ever.

spockforprez

Viczaesar said:

PPs have covered the various train wrecks going on in this thread well; I just came to see if I'm the only one that thinks "flaking in-laws filled with empty promises" sounds like the saddest pastry ever.

Seriously. And I may sometimes qualify for an Oscar with my emotional responses to things, but damn that is the most melodramatic description I've ever seen.

ernursej

I'm a little late to the party ... but  ... OP, you've received a lot of great advice from PP so I won't rehash.

I will add that the wedding industry has helped to create this expectation about what a wedding should look like and all the things you 'must' have as part of the experience. At the end of the day, a wedding requires someone to officiate, the couple and perhaps witnesses depending on your location. Everything else is extra. Many of the extras are lovely and wonderful, but they should never come at the expense of relationships. Please consider that a relationship with your parents and in-laws is valuable and hopefully a relationship that you will have for a very long time. There is always a chance to stop the hurt and take the road of apology. I would suggest that you sit down with your FI and really think about what a wedding means and what is realistic. I would focus on developing positive relationships with your in-laws and other family members or at least relationships that are civil.

I hope that this was just a moment of getting overwhelmed with everything that a wedding is not and you can move forward with grace.

drunkenwitch

Viczaesar said:

PPs have covered the various train wrecks going on in this thread well; I just came to see if I'm the only one that thinks "flaking in-laws filled with empty promises" sounds like the saddest pastry ever.

It would have to be gluten free, soy free, nut free, fair trade, local, organic and vegan.

luvskittles55

PrettyGirlLost said:

Heffalump said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

At some point people become adults who are capable of forming their own thoughts and opinions, independent of how they were raised.  So I think it's unfair to assume the OP's parents raised her to be this entitled.

Even the most crunchy, hipster, millennial helicopter mothers aren't doing what they do with the goal that their children will act like brats as adults.  It's an unintended side effect of parents who are at their core very well meaning.

I feel very badly when I see parents who are deeply upset by the choices and actions of their adult kids- it's not always a reflection on the parents at all, and it breaks my heart to see them feeling that way.  I can't even imagine what that kind of guilt and disappointment feels like.

Normally I would agree, but these people are delaying their retirement to pay for a one-day party that they obviously couldn't otherwise afford.  Sounds like they are enabling her entitled attitude by not saying "Sorry, but no."

I get what PP's and you are saying, but let's get real- no one is making the parents, who are grown ass adults, do anything.  Very few people/institutions have the ability to actually garner your wages.

OP's parents are CHOOSING to postpone retirement to help their daughter pay for her wedding, and it's their prerogative.  Just like it's the prerogative of any healthy individual who otherwise could continue to work to retire at the age of 55 or 65.

If they want to spend their money on a glorified party for their daughter, so be it.  It's their money to spend on whatever they feel is of value.

Should OP have refused their money so they could retire when they wanted to?  Maybe.

This is very true...my ILs would never let us have a "wedding we could afford aka at the VFW hall" because it would not reflect how THEY wanted to look...(I swear they are wonderful people but very wrapped up in how they are viewed to the rest of the family and "social" standards). And yes I folded like a deck of cards and took their money but what's done is done and it was a wonderful day overall.

SoldiersMom

My mom began saving money for a hypothetical "girls trip" for her 55th and my 30th birthdays, which happen to fall in the same year, about 3 years ago. Instead, I'm getting married. She now has a few thousand dollars saved and graciously offered the money to me. I was very overwhelmed with gratitude at the offer, but I declined her money. SHE saved that money. Not me. She isn't required to foot any part of the bill for my wedding simply because she gave birth to me. I'm an adult. I would rather my mom do something for herself with the money SHE saved. I would rather scrimp to meet my savings goals for my wedding then take any money away from my mom, whether it is extra or not.  NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I allow my parents to put off retirement to help pay for my wedding. Scale your shit back. Think about someone other than yourself.

ETA: I hadn't finished reading the original post before I replied, but my jaw literally dropped at the items you were requesting advice on.

ILoveBeachMusic

luvskittles55 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Heffalump said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

At some point people become adults who are capable of forming their own thoughts and opinions, independent of how they were raised.  So I think it's unfair to assume the OP's parents raised her to be this entitled.

Even the most crunchy, hipster, millennial helicopter mothers aren't doing what they do with the goal that their children will act like brats as adults.  It's an unintended side effect of parents who are at their core very well meaning.

I feel very badly when I see parents who are deeply upset by the choices and actions of their adult kids- it's not always a reflection on the parents at all, and it breaks my heart to see them feeling that way.  I can't even imagine what that kind of guilt and disappointment feels like.

Normally I would agree, but these people are delaying their retirement to pay for a one-day party that they obviously couldn't otherwise afford.  Sounds like they are enabling her entitled attitude by not saying "Sorry, but no."

I get what PP's and you are saying, but let's get real- no one is making the parents, who are grown ass adults, do anything.  Very few people/institutions have the ability to actually garner your wages.

OP's parents are CHOOSING to postpone retirement to help their daughter pay for her wedding, and it's their prerogative.  Just like it's the prerogative of any healthy individual who otherwise could continue to work to retire at the age of 55 or 65.

If they want to spend their money on a glorified party for their daughter, so be it.  It's their money to spend on whatever they feel is of value.

Should OP have refused their money so they could retire when they wanted to?  Maybe.

This is very true...my ILs would never let us have a "wedding we could afford aka at the VFW hall" because it would not reflect how THEY wanted to look...(I swear they are wonderful people but very wrapped up in how they are viewed to the rest of the family and "social" standards). And yes I folded like a deck of cards and took their money but what's done is done and it was a wonderful day overall.

There is nothing wrong with you taking the money if it is offered. We paid for DD's wedding (mostly, they paid for a few things). That is something we wanted to do (and offered) - they wouldn't have been able to afford the kind of wedding we threw for them.  Unless you compromised the wedding you wanted by accepting your ILs money, I wouldn't say you folded and shouldn't have taken the money. The problem comes when brides and grooms expect and request money from their parents. FWIW, son is now engaged. We have offered them money for the wedding and to pay for the RD. They didn't expect it at all.

JellyBean52513

drunkenwitch said:

Viczaesar said:

PPs have covered the various train wrecks going on in this thread well; I just came to see if I'm the only one that thinks "flaking in-laws filled with empty promises" sounds like the saddest pastry ever.

It would have to be gluten free, soy free, nut free, fair trade, local, organic and vegan.

Well it's definitely not nut free...

db1984

jumping to respond before reading all of the previous responses.  I can't help myself in this case....you're ok with your parents HOLDING OFF RETIREMENT for a YEAR to pay for your sparklefest.  Why don't YOU put off YOUR wedding for a year and work to pay for your own wedding?