Updates on my FH

emmaaa

Thank you for your updates. I am so glad to see your positivity throughout this whole process. You are such a great partner for your FH.

thefanciestbeckler

You and your FI are 2 very strong people! Your dark humor comment made me laugh out loud. Thanks for providing us with updates! I have been thinking about you and praying for you every day.

kmmssg

Sending you both many many many hugs and prayers. I am so sorry you are going through this.

kimmiinthemitten

You're effing amazing!  I'm glad we can be a place for you to vent. It's hard to be the loved one and it's important for you to have a safe place too. Thanks for the updates, and I'm glad his BP is up; that's huge. 

Your socks story made me laugh. I had a professor in college with one leg and on the first day of class he draws a stick figure with one leg on the board and asks his students to guess how the stick figure isn't him (wrong missing leg). Of course no one dares guess but it sets the tone for who he is. 

SP29

I'm glad you found things to laugh about!

Be kind to him regarding the scrotal swelling- that hurts like a b**** (so many males have told me, and I have unfortunately caused discomfort to trying to move them- the patient, not just the balls!  ).

I am glad to hear wedding plans are still going well .

sarahufl

Holy crap, this is a lot to process. I have to say, your attitude completely blows me away. I hope if something like this happened to me, I would have the strength to handle it like you have.

You will be in my thoughts.

spockforprez

Hello peeps, here's the update for today.

Overall, he had a great day. After his breathing episodes yesterday when they put in his 2nd chest tube on the left side, his lungs were able to adjust to a bit of change on his vent settings. He actually had his right chest tube removed this evening! They are going to try and get him to adjust to a lower vent setting overnight. If all goes well and his function continues to improve, he may be extubated tomorrow. He'll have surgery again on Friday so will be intubated for that, but at least he may get a 24-hour or so break, which is a 24-hour reduction in his risk for pneumonia.

He had surgery today on his leg, from what I've been told so far not a lot of tissue, if any, was removed during this surgery. They also changed the dressing on his left arm, which looked good. At this point they are allowing us to have the decision of whether we want to keep the arm, which is why they have not set any of the fractures in that arm yet. To us, it's a no brainer - if the arm is not infected or causing him any kind of harm, why remove it? We would like it there for balance and mobility reasons. They seem to think that he won't want the arm there if he can't use it, but that seems pretty extreme to me. We may be able to have the surgery to repair his nerves and he may get some function or at least some sensation back. Or maybe he never will, but if later on he wants the arm removed he can elect to have it removed at that point. I don't see any reason we would remove it. If he's extubated tomorrow, we will talk it out with him, but right now we plan to tell the surgeons we are keeping it.

His hemoglobin is a little low because he is having a lot of seepage and drainage from his leg. They were able to put in a small drain which is helping to prevent his skin from getting wet, but it fills up pretty frequently.

Today we talked at length with the social worker and my mind was doing overtime trying to sort out all the things we need to do. It was like a long workday where you have a crapton of stuff to get done - not a BAD day, just really tiring. The social worker is going to help us with power of attorney as soon as Patrick can consent. I submitted his application for social security disability today and am waiting for a call on his life insurance policy from the benefits center. We did find out that his short term disability claim was approved so we'll be getting paychecks from that. Sadly they are PAPER CHECKS so the sooner we can get the POA going the better. I filed the claim with his bike insurance policy and spoke briefly with the claims rep. Tomorrow I'm going to email a lawyer who is a family friend for some guidance, we may hire him or we may not, but he said he was willing to kind of talk us through the first steps. I'm also going to call the state trooper who handled the case to see what he can tell us and any connections or paperwork I need to do at this point. I'd still like to get married soon, within a week or two, but it's not quite as urgent once we get the POA set up. I want him to be stable and awake and completely present - I wouldn't want him to forget his own wedding ceremony!

I went out for dinner with my cousin who's getting married in two weeks, that was fun, although there have been tornados in my area and when we were at the restaurant the lights almost went out several times. Afterward I came back to the hospital and have been hanging with him. He's very awake and alert right now. We watched some South Park and held hands. I told him about his giant ballsack and got a HUGE smile from him, haha! The nurse told him it's been downgraded to a peach, though, no more grapefruit. I'm going to head back to my aunt's soon and take a shower, hang with the kitties, and try to get to bed early. The parking during the day is absolutely fucking atrocious so I have been trying to get here around 7-7:30, stay until the afternoon, then come back around 7-8 for some quiet time.

I'm actually doing really great right now. Which means there is probably a breakdown coming soon. And that's fine.  

spockforprez

sarahufl said:

Holy crap, this is a lot to process. I have to say, your attitude completely blows me away. I hope if something like this happened to me, I would have the strength to handle it like you have.

You will be in my thoughts.

You know I've always felt the same way when others have been in similar situations. Thinking, "Wow, there's no way I could do that." Not to be totally cliche but when you're in the moment, you just do what has to be done. There's really no other option. You can't sit in the corner and cry because that doesn't help anything. I guarantee everyone reading this would be able to do the same if their husband or partner were in this situation. I don't know, it just sort of happens. Your body just continues to function. lol. 

Lala9414

@spockforprez you're handling the situation very well! and yes its okay if a break down occurs, you need to let it out! this is a tough situation but im happy to see you both are in great spirits. I want to share my story, my uncle (who is only 3 years older than me) got cancer at 16, and had to have his left leg amputated very high up above the knee. More close to the hip actually, yes finding a prosthetic is hard but not impossible. the main concern when it comes to the prosthetic is how comfortable it is, since it is so high up. point being, he still may be able to find a prosthetic. keep your eyes and ears open for the options he has! 

pinupbride6189

Glad to hear he's doing better and able to communicate! Also thrilled that you're doing well now, too!

holyguacamole79

Yeah I've heard the VA tornadoes are bad.   Stay safe! 

spockforprez

Having a bad night but can't seem to cry so no catharsis. Can't sleep. Worrying about getting up early to get to the hospital before the parking gets so bad and so now I'm in the "if I go to sleep now I will only get x hours" stage and it's making it worse. I am feeling the fatigue more and more each day. I was supposed to take a nap both yesterday and today but the timing of things at the hospital and with the bad weather today meant I couldn't.

My aunt upset me earlier tonight saying even if we get a settlement there are insurance maximums so the rest would have to come from the driver's assets and again, blood from a stone. Which may well be true but not sure I needed such a harsh dose of reality right now. She kept telling this story of a guy who killed someone drunk driving (his third DUI) and how his family protected him by holding his assets under their names - preventing the family of the person he murdered from having the money they are entitled to. And kept saying she (the driver) would probably have family members to help her too. Well sorry but fuck that fucking shit. I don't want to hear about it right now.

Doing some reading about life as an amputee and it was pretty overwhelming. I think it was too soon. They talked about suicide prevention and meds that help with phantom pain and all the side effects and all the complicated rules about SSDI and Medicare and all these things I'm sure we will become familiar with but seem insurmountable right now.

I can't overstate how absolutely and utterly awful to be laying in a strange bed alone, scared and frustrated, without my lover and best friend, and not knowing how long it will be until we can do that again. I miss him so fucking much. (Okay now starting to cry so this may be good!) I want to be naked up against his skin and feel his arms around me. I want to be laughing and being silly and playing games. I want to kiss him so bad I can't stand it. I want to be in our house on our loveseat, "internetting" with him on his iPad and me on my laptop, or watching Seinfeld, letting our bodies rest up against each other, sitting with a cat on each of our laps. I want to welcome him home from work and feel the warm rush of his hug and kiss. I just miss him so much. I've spent 99% of the last 1000 days in his company, going to bed and waking up together.

Started thinking about little things while laying in bed... for example FH always investigates when scary things happen, noises, whatever. Now I will have to be the one to get the flashlight and be brave. Even the thought of that sends my anxiety into overdrive. I don't know where the fuck I am supposed to come up with all this inner strength of character and overcome all of my character flaws in one fucking fell swoop. I am afraid I will fail my FH. I am afraid I will cause him more pain and heartache. I am afraid I am not strong enough to be the person he needs. I am afraid that my own health will be poor or that I will get cancer or some other catastrophe and he will be alone. I have no idea how we are going to do this.

So sorry for this... I am a hot fucking mess y'all.

softkittywarmkitty

You are allowed to be a mess. The strength will come, you will never fail you FH as long as you love him they way you do. It'll be bumpy atbfirst, trying to,figure out what your roles,are now, but you'll find a routine. 

Just go one day at a time, sure this woman may have family who will break laws to,protect her, or she will be an upstanding citizen who is devastated at what she did....that won't be determined until later.

You may want to look into a support group for yourself as well as FH. You will need people to talk to as well, you have to take if him, and you have to take care of you. 

tigerlily6

Ditto to @softkittywarmkitty. It's completely legit to be a mess. And whether you cry or not, it's completely normal to get caught up in being overwhelmed. 

I can't assure you that things are going to be easy moving forward -- especially that first year, probably, it's going to be a rough, with a lot of adjusting. But adjusting will happen. And healing, both physical and emotional, will happen for you both. Your roles may change a bit, but he's still your same old FI, it sounds. He's lost a leg, but not his heart, not his humor, not his bravery, not his love. It's going to be frustrating for him, I'm sure, not to be the one jumping up to get the flashlight and scope out things in the dark, but he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who will want you to feel you can never be weak for him again. Pardon my awful analogy, but I think a good lover is much like a loyal dog -- doesn't matter how beat up they are, they are still going to feel like they need to protect you, and put you ahead of everything. And from everything you've said about your FI, I think he's this kind of guy. I had an "adopted" aunt and uncle, and the uncle had suffered a stroke young and lost movement on one side of his body. But he was the stubbornest, most determined person I have ever known, and remained active and devoted to his wife and the head of his household (kept control of his seven sons!) for many years until he finally passed away in his old age recently. Life can still be full and joyful even if it's been marked with pain. There will probably be a lot of times in the coming months where your FI may get upset, because he'll feel inadequate to take care of you. But he still will be, just as you are taking care of him. It may not look the same as it did a week ago, but the give-and-take will still be there, and you will both come to feel it. And when you go to bed beside him, he's going to be there still to hold you close and be your man. Hang in there, @spockforprez !

drunkenwitch

You are absolutely allowed to be scared, and overwhelmed and emotional.  Is there a friend you can call to stay with you? Maybe having someone else in the house will help. 

levioosa

Be a mess.  Let yourself fall apart for a little while. Scream, cry, laugh, be numb--It's okay.  No one expects you to have it all together (except maybe you yourself).  This is a really scary time--you're entitled to feeling anxious, afraid, angry, and all of the feelings that you might not even understand.  

SO was in a motorcycle accident four years ago.  He was going the speed limit, through a green light, and a woman ran a red light and hit him.  He shattered both wrists, and the cartilage in his knees is gone.  First responders thought he was paralyzed with a traumatic brain injury.  It was a really scary time.  It was also the third time this woman had ran a red light and hit someone, which was infuriating.  And his life isn't the same as it was before, but that's okay. We have moved forward, and we have a wonderful life together.  It was rough for a little while--it will be rough for a while.   But it's okay.

Your life is changing right now, and that's scary, but it will be okay.  It's one day, one hour, one minute at a time--and that's okay.  No one is saying you have to overcome all of your flaws overnight; that would be unrealistic and impossible for anyone to achieve.  Strength of character doesn't mean you conquer all of your obstacles all at once.  Your strength is present in the moments when you cry, the moments when you scream because this is all so so incredibly unfair.  Your strength is there when you hear a scary noise and are afraid, and when you fight with the insurance companies.  Your strength cannot be measured, it just is.  If you are moving forward each day, you are strong. When you have a bad day and want to crawl into bed and forget everything, you are strong. You didn't leave him when you got terrible news, and you're fighting to make the best out of the situation.  That, my dear, is strength.  

Don't overwhelm yourself with info.  Yes, there is stuff you need to become educated on, support groups to join, what feels like a millions things to do, but take it slowly.  If you try to absorb it all right now, you're going to drive yourself crazy.  It's also okay for you to shut people down when they start to overwhelm you, like your aunt did today. We always advertise bean dip here, and a situation like this makes it more appropriate than ever. I'm sure she was just trying to help.  The thing about crisis is many people don't know what to say, but they do want to help.  What results is a lot of foot-in-mouth syndrome.  

We are here for you, and so sorry that you are going through this hell right now.  All of the hugs.  

kmmssg

Go ahead and be a mess.  I mean, I think you are a badass rockstar so far, but if you need to be a mess to get things out, then go for it.

You are underestimating the immense strength you have already shown.  You will both take this one day at a time, one hour at a time, a minute at a time if need be.

Ask those around you to refrain from stories they have heard (i.e. Aunt).  It doesn't help you and if it doesn't help, now is not the time.  We all have heard one story or another.

You don't have to solve everything right now, figure out your whole future right now, etc.  You can't so don't think you are failing because you don't have all the answers.  They will come.

You know, after 26 years in the military I have seen some people with injuries as bad or worse than your FI and they live awesome lives.  They decided they wanted to have a good life so they made that happen.  They are completely capable of taking care of their families.  You won't always have to be a caretaker, but right now it is your turn.  His turn will come down the road.

And those people I have seen with the severe injuries?  They do not want to be looked at as less than whole.  They don't mess around and they just want people to know they are quite capable of living a fulfilling life.  I am betting your guy will be the same.

I really encourage you to seek out some counseling when  you can.  The sooner you can start talking all of this out and getting a plan together the sooner you will sleep better, smile more, and be more calm.

I send you many warm hugs and prayers for peace, healing, wisdom for his medical team, and a wonderful, fulfilling life together.  You will get there.

I still think you are a badass rockstar.

ILoveBeachMusic

You are doing so well! It is perfectly normal and HEALTHY to be a mess. You can't keep it all inside. I'm glad you have this outlet to journal - so important for you. It sounds like you and FI have your priorities right. Things will fall into place. I ditto the idea of counseling and support group for you. My prayers are still with you and FI.

PamBeesly524

@kmmssg said it perfectly... you (and FI!) are a badass rockstar! Take the time to be a mess and process your feelings... to think like crazy or just not think at all. You are both so, so strong and while you may feel alone right now, there will come a time when you and FI can snuggle together again with your kitties and crack up at your favorite shows. It's ok to miss that right now!

charlotte989875

I'm going to be the 5th (or 6th..) person to say, you are absolutely ok to be a hot mess. Sometimes I think it's easier to be a hot mess to Internet strangers than it is to your friends and family. 

1) You are not going to fail him. Read back over what you write there; there is so much love in that post. You're doing your best for him and if that's what you keep doing you're not going to fail him. Look at what you've already gotten through. You can do this, you said yourself you just do what needs to be done. That's all that's needed. 

2) It's ok to tell people, even people who are helping and supporting you that what they are saying and doing isn't actually helping and that its making you more stressed and overwhelmed. Clearly your aunts heart is in the right place, but her execution is a bit off. People don't know what to say in these situations (I wouldn't!). It's absolutely ok to tell her if something she is saying is hurting you/stressing you out more. 

3) You might have to be the brave one with the flashlight for a little while, but it won't be forever.

4) I'm sure this all seems impossible right now. But all those things you're wanting right now, that you're longing for, you will have them again. It will probably take much longer than you want. But you will hold each other, and Internet together, and sit with your cats together. 

Keep venting to us; keep getting these feelings out. We're all here for you. 

emmaaa

I agree with everyone else. It is perfectly okay to be a mess! You have already shown so much strength in this situation and sometimes you need to break down and be "weak" for a minute. It's okay, breathe, cry, be mad, yell, hit a pillow, and then when you're ready, go out and face the world again.

You're doing such an amazing job and you never need to doubt yourself.

holyguacamole79

I agree with the others.   Let yourself feel these emotions & cry it out.  From what you've said about how you're handling this, I would say you're much better than a hot mess.   You and your FH are in my daily prayers. 

Jells2dot0

On board with everyone- you can absolutely be a mess!! It's an unimaginable position to be in and you need support and a way to vent just as much as your FI. You'll each go through your own feelings about what happened. Feel free to come on here when you need to just get it all out. I know I did when I was going through my cancer stuff. Everyone was super supportive!

Continuing thoughts and prayers for you, FI, and your families.

kimmiinthemitten

charlotte989875 said:

1) You are not going to fail him. Read back over what you write there; there is so much love in that post. You're doing your best for him and if that's what you keep doing you're not going to fail him. Look at what you've already gotten through. You can do this, you said yourself you just do what needs to be done. That's all that's needed. 

Quoted for the effing truth!

natswild

Adding on to the PP, let yourself feel your emotions, shut down others who are being unhelpful, and take each day one at a time.  You both are in my thoughts and prayers, and I just wanted to say that you are a true inspiration.

justsie

I don't have anything else to add that hasn't already been stated, but I just wanted to let you know that I've been reading your updates and I feel the exact same way as everyone else. Take each day at a time, don't focus on bridges that aren't there yet (like what your aunt started talking about) because you've got enough to deal with right now in the moment. Focus on what's in front of you instead of the "what-ifs". 

Jen4948

Thank you for the updates.  I continue to hope for the best for you and your FI.  I'm very sorry to hear about your aunt's insensitivity.

Do whatever you need to to keep yourself going. If that means asking for help, needing to cry, shut down negative commentary like your aunt's, or whatever, do that.  As PPs say, take each day one at a time and make sure you are taking care of yourself.

You and your FI continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.  More hugs for you both.

banana468

You're allowed to feel all those emotions.   This is a lot for you to process as it is for your FI.

Your aunt is probably having a hard time as well.   That doesn't excuse an insensitive remark but she's probably having a tough time trying to figure out how to prepare you for the unknown.   Instead when you're ready, work with that anger so you two (you and your FI) can seek legal recourse for all of this.   Yes, there's the 'blood from a stone' aspect but you won't know what you can do if you don't try.   So when the time is right, you two can figure out how to get started.

In the meantime don't forget to take care of yourself.   That might mean closing yourself off from the blue light of phones and tablets and laptops and just closing your eyes if you can manage.  

kmmssg

Following on Banana's advice - people can't just hide their assets as soon as they think they are in trouble.  There is such a thing as forensic accountants and they can track that stuff like a bloodhound.  One of the Lieutenants in my office has a Master's in this.  Unfortunately, no one has hired him in his field because he is an egotistical sexist maniacal jerk, but I digress.  

ernursej

Consider asking the hospital social worker about resources for you. When my uncle was in a horrible accident, my aunt was able to get some time with a counsellor and she said it was the most helpful thing she did for herself. She really liked being able to say anything and everything on her mind to a non-judgemental stranger. Keeping you in my thoughts. I hope there are positives each and every day. Dark humour can be great. Whatever you need to think, think it!