Bridal Shower Question

ernursej

A friend of my Mother's (I'll call her Linda) has graciously offered to host a shower. The sticky situation is Linda won't be invited to my wedding. My Mother knows this and apparently she had already been told by Linda that she never expected to receive an invite but would still like to host a shower. Background info - my Mother and Linda have hosted all the bridal showers for each other's kids regardless of invitation to the wedding. 

My question: I feel like I should politely decline because a shower should only include people invited to the wedding. Am I right in this thinking? 

Thanks in advance for your responses. 

photokitty

ernursej said:

A friend of my Mother's (I'll call her Linda) has graciously offered to host a shower. The sticky situation is Linda won't be invited to my wedding. My Mother knows this and apparently she had already been told by Linda that she never expected to receive an invite but would still like to host a shower. Background info - my Mother and Linda have hosted all the bridal showers for each other's kids regardless of invitation to the wedding. 

My question: I feel like I should politely decline because a shower should only include people invited to the wedding. Am I right in this thinking? 

Thanks in advance for your responses. 

You're correct, only people who will be invited to the wedding should be invited to any pre-wedding parties. You are right, you should politely decline her offer.

ernursej

Thanks @photokitty. That was what I thought. 

STARMOON44

Can't you invite Linda? If she's close enough to your mom that they routinely host showers for each other's children seems like an easy invite to me. 

Jen4948

If you're not going to invite Linda to your wedding, then you need to decline (graciously) her offer of a shower.

To @STARMOON44: She doesn't owe Linda an invitation to her wedding (or a shower hosting opportunity) just because her mom and Linda have hosted showers for each other's children.  It may not work for the OP's particular circumstances, especially if Linda is planning to invite non-wedding guests to the shower and/or the wedding is small.

holyguacamole79

I don't think @STARMOON44 meant that Linda is owed an invitation.   My initial thought when reading this was the same .... if Linda is a close friend of the family, it would make sense to invite her if she could.   I read starmoon's question just as that .... a question.  I'm sure OP has a good reason to not invite her. 

STARMOON44

Of course she doesn't owe Linda an invitation. Just a suggestion to consider. 

Jen4948

STARMOON44 said:

Of course she doesn't owe Linda an invitation. Just a suggestion to consider. 

Right, but if this is a family-only wedding, or a courthouse wedding with limited capacity for guests, or a OOT or DW, or something where the guest list is deliberately limited, then it might not be possible to invite Linda.

That said, if Linda and her mom always host showers for each other's children, I think you raise a good point about inviting Linda to the wedding. I wonder why Linda wasn't invited to the wedding in the first place - unless the guest list for the wedding is under one or more of these kinds of restrictions.

ernursej

Linda isn't invited as both sides of parents have lots and lots of friends and it was easier to say no to the parental friends completely than pick and choose. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and it is limited to 60 people. My Mother was completely fine with having that restriction. She had no restrictions with my sister's large wedding and indicated that she really didn't have enough time with each of her friends. 

I just declined the shower offer and both my Mother and Linda were taken back that this was something that shouldn't happen. They didn't think it was a big deal. My Mother is actually quite mad at me as this is just what they do for each other. I might have done the right thing etiquette wise, but perhaps this was just something I should have let slide considering the history of how they host showers. Moving on!

Thanks for for your help guys!

[Deleted User]

I foresee this same scenario playing out with my mom and FMIL - both ladies who love to celebrate and host tea parties/showers, and close friends who do the same. My mom already hosted a surprise engagement party for us and invited people we're not planning on inviting to the wedding. "But they don't mind, sweetie!!!!" Welp. 

banana468

Honestly, if Linda was going to stick to an etiquette appropriate shower with guests only invited to the wedding then I don't see the big deal.   She's aware of what's going on and still wanted to do something.      I completely understand the etiquette rules but in this case it's designed so the hostess / guests don't feel like they're being extorted when they won't be hosted.   That's not the case here.    

AddieCake

I agree with Banana. Linda said she knew full well she wasn't invited but still wanted to do something.  She wants to HOST a shower; the bride is not inviting her to a shower for a wedding she isn't invited to. Linda wants to give a gift of a shower. If Linda wanted to give a gift of a set of pots and pans, that would not need to be declined just because she wasn't invited to the wedding.

ernursej

Linda sent me an email shortly after our conversation letting me know if I changed my mind, she would still really like to host a shower for me. I said thank you and I would think about it. I think the issue isn't as black and white etiquette wise as I thought and I really need to consider Linda's feelings in wanting to do this. It sounds a bit like @addiecake was saying above and this was a gift from Linda and then I'm basically turning up my nose because it doesn't fit the etiquette of no one at a shower that isn't invited to the wedding. I'll have to really think about it. I don't like doing things that are not right etiquette wise, but I also don't like to hurt feelings. 

lovegood90

ernursej said:

Linda sent me an email shortly after our conversation letting me know if I changed my mind, she would still really like to host a shower for me. I said thank you and I would think about it. I think the issue isn't as black and white etiquette wise as I thought and I really need to consider Linda's feelings in wanting to do this. It sounds a bit like @addiecake was saying above and this was a gift from Linda and then I'm basically turning up my nose because it doesn't fit the etiquette of no one at a shower that isn't invited to the wedding. I'll have to really think about it. I don't like doing things that are not right etiquette wise, but I also don't like to hurt feelings. 

She'll get over it.

Sorry but I can't help but think you're just looking for validation here. I personally would feel so guilty and gross accepting a pre-wedding party from someone not even invited. Everyone will be discussing the wedding presumably and the person paying/hosting this pre-event isn't even invited to the real thing. I don't get it. But you can obviously do what you want. 

JediElizabeth

ernursej said:

Linda sent me an email shortly after our conversation letting me know if I changed my mind, she would still really like to host a shower for me. I said thank you and I would think about it. I think the issue isn't as black and white etiquette wise as I thought and I really need to consider Linda's feelings in wanting to do this. It sounds a bit like @addiecake was saying above and this was a gift from Linda and then I'm basically turning up my nose because it doesn't fit the etiquette of no one at a shower that isn't invited to the wedding. I'll have to really think about it. I don't like doing things that are not right etiquette wise, but I also don't like to hurt feelings. 

I think in this case, if "the rules of etiquette" are the only reason you're hurting someone's feelings, they're being used for a counterproductive purpose.

Etiquette is there so we don't insult or hurt people without meaning to. It becomes useless and almost tautologous if you're only making a decision which will hurt feelings because etiquette tells you it will hurt feelings if you make the other decision.

If Linda knows she's not being invited to the wedding but wants to throw you a shower anyway, I don't think it's worthwhile to rely on a rule meant to not hurt Linda's feelings in order to actually hurt Linda's feelings. 

AddieCake

Amen, Elizabeth.

ernursej

@lovegood90 nope, not looking for validation. Came on here with my post to double check that it wasn't right etiquette wise to accept the shower. Got the answer I was expecting and acted. The feelings part has been brought up by other knotties and I'm only relaying the story as it unfolds. I decided that I should probably just sit and think on it for a few days before responding to Linda's email as I need to consider a variety of things.

I'm not a random knottie# who is doing something horrible. This was a valid question to bring up on the etiquette board and I received great advise. It sounds like even the knotties aren't all on the same page about what to do. 

Thanks everyone one for your help!

AddieCake

I don't think you're looking for validation at all, and I think you should let Linda do this for you.

Jen4948

JediElizabeth said:

ernursej said:

Linda sent me an email shortly after our conversation letting me know if I changed my mind, she would still really like to host a shower for me. I said thank you and I would think about it. I think the issue isn't as black and white etiquette wise as I thought and I really need to consider Linda's feelings in wanting to do this. It sounds a bit like @addiecake was saying above and this was a gift from Linda and then I'm basically turning up my nose because it doesn't fit the etiquette of no one at a shower that isn't invited to the wedding. I'll have to really think about it. I don't like doing things that are not right etiquette wise, but I also don't like to hurt feelings. 

I think in this case, if "the rules of etiquette" are the only reason you're hurting someone's feelings, they're being used for a counterproductive purpose.

Etiquette is there so we don't insult or hurt people without meaning to. It becomes useless and almost tautologous if you're only making a decision which will hurt feelings because etiquette tells you it will hurt feelings if you make the other decision.

If Linda knows she's not being invited to the wedding but wants to throw you a shower anyway, I don't think it's worthwhile to rely on a rule meant to not hurt Linda's feelings in order to actually hurt Linda's feelings. 

Fair enough.

lovegood90

ernursej said:

@lovegood90 nope, not looking for validation. Came on here with my post to double check that it wasn't right etiquette wise to accept the shower. Got the answer I was expecting and acted. The feelings part has been brought up by other knotties and I'm only relaying the story as it unfolds. I decided that I should probably just sit and think on it for a few days before responding to Linda's email as I need to consider a variety of things.

I'm not a random knottie# who is doing something horrible. This was a valid question to bring up on the etiquette board and I received great advise. It sounds like even the knotties aren't all on the same page about what to do. 

Thanks everyone one for your help!

If you think her feelings are hurt and are feeling guilty for declining, why not go to lunch with her or something, independent of your wedding, to show your appreciation for the offer instead? Just a suggestion. 

[Deleted User]

lovegood90 said:

ernursej said:

Linda sent me an email shortly after our conversation letting me know if I changed my mind, she would still really like to host a shower for me. I said thank you and I would think about it. I think the issue isn't as black and white etiquette wise as I thought and I really need to consider Linda's feelings in wanting to do this. It sounds a bit like @addiecake was saying above and this was a gift from Linda and then I'm basically turning up my nose because it doesn't fit the etiquette of no one at a shower that isn't invited to the wedding. I'll have to really think about it. I don't like doing things that are not right etiquette wise, but I also don't like to hurt feelings. 

She'll get over it.

Sorry but I can't help but think you're just looking for validation here. I personally would feel so guilty and gross accepting a pre-wedding party from someone not even invited. Everyone will be discussing the wedding presumably and the person paying/hosting this pre-event isn't even invited to the real thing. I don't get it. But you can obviously do what you want. 

This.  I don't think Linda should host a shower for you.  
Aunt Mabel to Linda at the shower; "I'm so excited about this wedding!  I hear all the bridesmaids are wearing mismatched sundresses.  Doesn't that sound lovely?  I'm so looking forward to seeing it, aren't you?"
Linda; "Well, actually, I'm not invited to the wedding."
Aunt Mabel; "uh..."
I agree that it sounds like the shower is something Linda wants to gift you, but I don't think you should accept the gift in this form.  If she really wants to gift you something, she should take the amount she was planning on spending on the shower and buy you your fine china or a set of pots and pans or a fancy vacuum.  (Of course you should never tell her this, but this is what she should do.)  It just has the potential to be so much worse than just one non-wedding-guest being accidently invited to a shower.
Aunt Mabel to OP; "Linda just told me she's not invited to the wedding!!!  How can this be!?!  She throws this beautiful shower for you and you can't even be bothered to invite her to witness your vows?  I can't even believe this.  How inappropriate!"

ernursej

Lots of different perspectives and suggestions. Thanks!

ILoveBeachMusic

banana468 said:

Honestly, if Linda was going to stick to an etiquette appropriate shower with guests only invited to the wedding then I don't see the big deal.   She's aware of what's going on and still wanted to do something.      I completely understand the etiquette rules but in this case it's designed so the hostess / guests don't feel like they're being extorted when they won't be hosted.   That's not the case here.    

I totally agree. I helped my daughter host a shower for her best friend whom I love like a second daughter. My daughter was in grad school and lived half way across the country from the bride and everyone else. I didn't expect to receive an invitation to the wedding because of some circumstances of which I was aware. However, I was delighted to be invited when the time came. Sometimes being long time and very close friends trumps the etiquette question.

photokitty

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

Honestly, if Linda was going to stick to an etiquette appropriate shower with guests only invited to the wedding then I don't see the big deal.   She's aware of what's going on and still wanted to do something.      I completely understand the etiquette rules but in this case it's designed so the hostess / guests don't feel like they're being extorted when they won't be hosted.   That's not the case here.    

I totally agree. I helped my daughter host a shower for her best friend whom I love like a second daughter. My daughter was in grad school and lived half way across the country from the bride and everyone else. I didn't expect to receive an invitation to the wedding because of some circumstances of which I was aware. However, I was delighted to be invited when the time came. Sometimes being long time and very close friends trumps the etiquette question.

Perhaps you were invited bc the bride felt she had to invite you bc of your involvement with the shower? You said yourself, you didn't expect to be invited. Perhaps you weren't, but had to be added bc the bride felt obligated as a result of your involvement. 

If a sibling tags along at a bachelorette I can give it a pass, but I can't accept someone hosting a shower and not invite them to my wedding. I would feel like crap about it, not saying everyone would, but I would. Heck, I did add the friend not on the guest when I saw she was at my bachelorette party, bc I felt I could not exclude her after she was involved in a pre-wedding party, even though i had not included her on the guest list.

I can see the flip side, but I would still decline her gracious offer.

ILoveBeachMusic

photokitty said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

Honestly, if Linda was going to stick to an etiquette appropriate shower with guests only invited to the wedding then I don't see the big deal.   She's aware of what's going on and still wanted to do something.      I completely understand the etiquette rules but in this case it's designed so the hostess / guests don't feel like they're being extorted when they won't be hosted.   That's not the case here.    

I totally agree. I helped my daughter host a shower for her best friend whom I love like a second daughter. My daughter was in grad school and lived half way across the country from the bride and everyone else. I didn't expect to receive an invitation to the wedding because of some circumstances of which I was aware. However, I was delighted to be invited when the time came. Sometimes being long time and very close friends trumps the etiquette question.

Perhaps you were invited bc the bride felt she had to invite you bc of your involvement with the shower? You said yourself, you didn't expect to be invited. Perhaps you weren't, but had to be added bc the bride felt obligated as a result of your involvement. 

If a sibling tags along at a bachelorette I can give it a pass, but I can't accept someone hosting a shower and not invite them to my wedding. I would feel like crap about it, not saying everyone would, but I would. Heck, I did add the friend not on the guest when I saw she was at my bachelorette party, bc I felt I could not exclude her after she was involved in a pre-wedding party, even though i had not included her on the guest list.

I can see the flip side, but I would still decline her gracious offer.

My daughter wasn't living in the area so hosted it at our house.  I am very close with this friend of hers - she stayed with us for a week several time during high school and vice versa for our daughter. To be honest, I can't even remember if the invitations said I was a host. Maybe I should have said I didn't assume I was being invited to the wedding but the bride accepted the shower so I guess I was to be invited - they didn't send save the dates.