A friend of my Mother's (I'll call her Linda) has graciously offered to host a shower. The sticky situation is Linda won't be invited to my wedding. My Mother knows this and apparently she had already been told by Linda that she never expected to receive an invite but would still like to host a shower. Background info - my Mother and Linda have hosted all the bridal showers for each other's kids regardless of invitation to the wedding.
My question: I feel like I should politely decline because a shower should only include people invited to the wedding. Am I right in this thinking?
Thanks in advance for your responses.
Re: Bridal Shower Question
To @STARMOON44: She doesn't owe Linda an invitation to her wedding (or a shower hosting opportunity) just because her mom and Linda have hosted showers for each other's children. It may not work for the OP's particular circumstances, especially if Linda is planning to invite non-wedding guests to the shower and/or the wedding is small.
That said, if Linda and her mom always host showers for each other's children, I think you raise a good point about inviting Linda to the wedding. I wonder why Linda wasn't invited to the wedding in the first place - unless the guest list for the wedding is under one or more of these kinds of restrictions.
I just declined the shower offer and both my Mother and Linda were taken back that this was something that shouldn't happen. They didn't think it was a big deal. My Mother is actually quite mad at me as this is just what they do for each other. I might have done the right thing etiquette wise, but perhaps this was just something I should have let slide considering the history of how they host showers. Moving on!
Thanks for for your help guys!
Sorry but I can't help but think you're just looking for validation here. I personally would feel so guilty and gross accepting a pre-wedding party from someone not even invited. Everyone will be discussing the wedding presumably and the person paying/hosting this pre-event isn't even invited to the real thing. I don't get it. But you can obviously do what you want.
Formerly martha1818
Etiquette is there so we don't insult or hurt people without meaning to. It becomes useless and almost tautologous if you're only making a decision which will hurt feelings because etiquette tells you it will hurt feelings if you make the other decision.
If Linda knows she's not being invited to the wedding but wants to throw you a shower anyway, I don't think it's worthwhile to rely on a rule meant to not hurt Linda's feelings in order to actually hurt Linda's feelings.
I'm not a random knottie# who is doing something horrible. This was a valid question to bring up on the etiquette board and I received great advise. It sounds like even the knotties aren't all on the same page about what to do.
Thanks everyone one for your help!
Formerly martha1818
Aunt Mabel to Linda at the shower; "I'm so excited about this wedding! I hear all the bridesmaids are wearing mismatched sundresses. Doesn't that sound lovely? I'm so looking forward to seeing it, aren't you?"
Linda; "Well, actually, I'm not invited to the wedding."
Aunt Mabel; "uh..."
I agree that it sounds like the shower is something Linda wants to gift you, but I don't think you should accept the gift in this form. If she really wants to gift you something, she should take the amount she was planning on spending on the shower and buy you your fine china or a set of pots and pans or a fancy vacuum. (Of course you should never tell her this, but this is what she should do.) It just has the potential to be so much worse than just one non-wedding-guest being accidently invited to a shower.
Aunt Mabel to OP; "Linda just told me she's not invited to the wedding!!! How can this be!?! She throws this beautiful shower for you and you can't even be bothered to invite her to witness your vows? I can't even believe this. How inappropriate!"
If a sibling tags along at a bachelorette I can give it a pass, but I can't accept someone hosting a shower and not invite them to my wedding. I would feel like crap about it, not saying everyone would, but I would. Heck, I did add the friend not on the guest when I saw she was at my bachelorette party, bc I felt I could not exclude her after she was involved in a pre-wedding party, even though i had not included her on the guest list.
I can see the flip side, but I would still decline her gracious offer.