Problems with ex

Knottie1429395486

This is my first wedding, my fiance's second. He does not have any children and we have nothing to do with his ex. However, we just saw that his sister and her husband have been hanging out with his ex. We aren't sure how long this has been  going on without our knowledge. It doesn't bother my fiance very much, but I feel extremely betrayed. At the very least I no longer want either of these people in our wedding party, and at the most I am feeling incredibly apprehensive about marrying into this family that might rather still have the ex around instead of me. Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this? My family doesn't have any divorce in it so I do not really know what the norms are in these situations. Maybe I don't really have anything to be worried or angry about, but it doesn't feel that way. Thanks everyone.

climbingsingle

How long were he and the ex together for? Did they divorce recently? 

Honestly, I think you're completely overacting. They hung out with the ex, and you want to kick them out of your wedding and even further, are questioning whether you want to marry into this family?! Why do you care if they hang out with her? How does what they do in their own time have any bearing on your life? What if they had their own relationship with her, and wanted to continue that friendship? And finally, why are you so insecure? 

crowsgirl15

I feel like maybe I'm missing something...did the ex do something aggressive or illegal before or after the split? Otherwise...why would your FI getting divorced mean that his sister and her husband can't have a relationship with someone they presumably were close to for a number of years? 

Yes, you're overreacting. I'm not sure how spending a time with a friend who happens to be your husband's ex wife equates to "betrayal" in your mind, but I feel like that's something you may want to take a closer look at. I'd turn my thoughts inward, rather than looking outward to a problem. No one in this situation did anything wrong, and even your FI doesn't think this is a big deal, so why do you?

AddieCake

You no longer want your future in-laws in your wedding party and think you might be making a mistake marrying into this family because they are friends with your fiancé's ex? Are you old enough to drink? I hope so b/c you need a margarita.

Jells2dot0

I feel like we need more info on the situation. My H was divorced many years ago and his ex did some pretty terrible things to him, his family, and even treated their children poorly for a bit.  There was a lot of questionable behavior.  If anyone in his family attempted to maintain a relationship with her, H would be very hurt. However, H's brother was divorced around the same time. My ILs maintained a relationship with his ex for many years. There were absolutely no hard feelings. It really depends on the circumstances of the divorce and whether a relationship existed prior to the marriage. However, this is really a FI family issue. Not yours. If everyone on his side is okay with the situation, then you should probably let it go. It doesn't seem to be creeping over into your life at all at this point.

nerdwife

My brother was dating the same girl for eight years before they broke up. Over that time, she and I became very close. After the breakup, we remained friends (though eventually the friendship did sort of peter out, mostly because we just grew apart). However, my brother knew that our family had become very close with her and was okay with us not just cutting ties with her.

I hear what some PPs are saying about maybe the ex did something terrible, but she says FI is fine with the friendship, so I'm assuming not. Probably your FILs are friends with her because she was in their lives for a long time. If FI is okay with it, I can't understand why you wouldn't be.

In sum: you're overreacting majorly.

RomanceManaged

Agreed.

FMIL often stated (before the engagement) that should we ever break up, no matter the fault, that she still wanted me in her life and would always be there for me. We would joke about that a lot, but she really meant it and it strangely meant a lot to me and spoke a lot about her character.

I get being jealous. They were together, and instead of spending time with you, they want to be with her. Unfortunately you don't get to dictate what relationships matter. You don't get to decide who gets to stay friends after a divorce. This isn't a good hill to die on.

CMGragain

OP, you sound incredibly insecure.  This is not junior high school.  Your FI's ex has nothing to do with your wedding.  You do not have the right to control whom she sees socially.  If your FILs want to see her, they have that right.
I question whether you are emotionally ready for marriage.  His ex is a part of his past life.  He cannot erase it.  I imagine you have a past, too.  You are demanding way too much from your family and friends to drop someone because you are marrying her ex.  This shouldn't be an issue for you at all.

PS.  I have always liked my husband's former girlfriends.  He has excellent taste in women.

CMGragain

Knottie1429395486 said:

This is my first wedding, my fiance's second. He does not have any children and we have nothing to do with his ex. However, we just saw that his sister and her husband have been hanging out with his ex. We aren't sure how long this has been  going on without our knowledge. It doesn't bother my fiance very much, but I feel extremely betrayed. At the very least I no longer want either of these people in our wedding party, and at the most I am feeling incredibly apprehensive about marrying into this family that might rather still have the ex around instead of me. Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this? My family doesn't have any divorce in it so I do not really know what the norms are in these situations. Maybe I don't really have anything to be worried or angry about, but it doesn't feel that way. Thanks everyone.

J.I.C.

SP29

Unless the ex has done something truly heinous to FI or the family (doesn't sound like it), you are over-reacting.

You do not get to tell your FSIL and FBIL who they can and cannot be friends with. It is none of your business if they are still close with FI's ex. It's not even FI who is hanging out with her!

Lots of families have divorce where the ex is still close to some members or part of the family. FI and his ex broke up for a reason- leave it there.

My parents have been apart for going on 8 years now. My dad is engaged and lives with his FI. My mom is in a serious relationship of her own. My mom still visits my dads parents regularly. Doesn't mean she's over there when my dad and his FI are, but everyone involved is an adult and gets to conduct their life and relationships as such.

Sammy1112

You're definitely overreacting. I have remained friends with most of my brothers' girlfriends, just because their relationships didn't work out doesn't mean we all have to cut them out of our lives. Be smart about this, don't start creating drama in this family before you join it. As long as your future hubby doesn't want to hang with the ex it's all good. It's not like the Ex will be over for the holidays, she's allowed to be friends with people who care about her, that doesn't mean they can't like you or hang out with you too. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. 

In my family one of the girlfriends made a big stink and all she succeeded in doing was annoying my brother and make the rest of us dislike her. Don't be that girl. 

countryup

Unfortunately, the way you describe this situation does make it sound like you are not ready for this marriage at all.  You don't want his sister at/in the wedding now and are thinking of walking away from the whole family because of a friend his sister has?  Hmmm - perhaps it is best that you do (or at least postpone the wedding until you are secure in yourself and your relationship).

Getting married is not a petty thing - jealousy is - and you will only serve to bring your relationship with your new husband spiraling downward if you continue on this path.  You need to think about how you feel and are acting about this.  If this is how you truly feel and can't get over, then it is a deeper problem within you that needs to be worked out before you enter what is supposed to be a "forever" thing.  Where is your trust in your partner?  Where is your faith in your partner?  If you have to question these then you're not ready.  

If your fiance is interested in his ex he'd be with her, not you.  You have no control over who his friends or relatives see, as they had no control whether or not he chose to see and marry you.  Your in-laws' friendships with anyone is also not your business.  I understand however, if the ex somehow became a part of the circle of people you now had to hang out with and that made you uncomfortable...that I get.  Just because his sister is remaining friends with his ex is nothing to cause havoc over.  I was married 18 years before getting divorced and am still friends with my ex's sister, her hubby & daughter.  

I am sure your fiance doesn't want his ex at the wedding and probably doesn't want to hang out with her either (otherwise he would have even before he met you) and his siblings most likely know this which is why it was never mentioned.  I'd be more concerned at why you're feeling this way so seriously.  I would keep talking to your fiance about it, keep communication open, talk to others about it and get their opinions.  It's fantastic that there is no divorce in your family but divorce certainly is nothing new and also breakups are nothing new either - you must have someone in your entire life somewhere that no longer sees a bf/gf but perhaps still talks to them?

[Deleted User]

Families stay friends with ex's all the time. Just because a couple gets divorced doesn't mean the relationships that the rest of the family has built with the person just goes away. My sister continued to speak with her ex MIL and even went to the hospital daily when she was dying & went to the funeral out of respect for the rest of the family. She didn't have issues with anyone else in the family, it was with her ex husband. She still cared for her ex in-laws.

Granted your FI & his ex don't have kids, but I think this is a case of you need to put on your big girl panties and realize, she's just a friend to them. You can't control who they are friends with. She is no threat to you and you relationship with your FI and his family, unless you let her.

YogaSandy

Before my brother was even engaged to his now wife, I told him if they broke up, I was keeping her. 

MobKaz

This thread is a bit dead.  OP has not been active since May.