Officiant & Wedding Party Question

JediElizabeth

Ok, so I think my FI & I have found ourselves in a bad spot:

We've asked one of our best friends to be our officiant. When we asked, he said that he'd be happy to as long as it wasn't in a Church and it wouldn't be a problem with his (Catholic) religion.  I've since done some research, and although the Church doesn't care if a Catholic judge or captain or something marries a couple outside of Church, getting ordained online by another "church" is really not cool in their eyes. 

Separately, one of my bridesmen and one of FI's groomsmen both are ordained (online) already, and both offered to officiate way back when we got engaged. We asked our third friend because he's equally close to both of us and we couldn't agree on a side for him, whereas the others have closer relationships to either me or FI - though all 5 of us are very good friends. 

Here's my plan. I'd like the etiquette-board blessing on this, or all of your advice on how to go about this:

1. Ask officiant friend to chat with his priest about this. Maybe it's fine, but maybe not - I definitely want him to know now, when we have plenty of time to change plans.

2. Here's the part I'm not sure about as far as etiquette goes: If it's a problem, ask either the groomsman or the bridesman to officiate, and ask the current officiant to be in the wedding party, essentially switching out roles. I don't want to treat my friends as though they're interchangeable (they're definitely not!), but I'd rather do that than ask a friend to go against his religion.

Thoughts?

AddieCake

I think it sounds fine. You're not tryingbtomdemote and promote here; you're just trying to include the people you want to include in roles that work.

[Deleted User]

JediElizabeth said:

Ok, so I think my FI & I have found ourselves in a bad spot:

We've asked one of our best friends to be our officiant. When we asked, he said that he'd be happy to as long as it wasn't in a Church and it wouldn't be a problem with his (Catholic) religion.  I've since done some research, and although the Church doesn't care if a Catholic judge or captain or something marries a couple outside of Church, getting ordained online by another "church" is really not cool in their eyes. 

Separately, one of my bridesmen and one of FI's groomsmen both are ordained (online) already, and both offered to officiate way back when we got engaged. We asked our third friend because he's equally close to both of us and we couldn't agree on a side for him, whereas the others have closer relationships to either me or FI - though all 5 of us are very good friends. 

Here's my plan. I'd like the etiquette-board blessing on this, or all of your advice on how to go about this:

1. Ask officiant friend to chat with his priest about this. Maybe it's fine, but maybe not - I definitely want him to know now, when we have plenty of time to change plans.

2. Here's the part I'm not sure about as far as etiquette goes: If it's a problem, ask either the groomsman or the bridesman to officiate, and ask the current officiant to be in the wedding party, essentially switching out roles. I don't want to treat my friends as though they're interchangeable (they're definitely not!), but I'd rather do that than ask a friend to go against his religion.

Thoughts?

What Addie said.  I was trying to think of a way to say that, but she did it faster and better.  Basically, they'd all be in the wedding party, only one of them would officiate as that role.

kimmiinthemitten

Yeah all of that.  As long as original officiant viewed his role as party of the WP I think you're fine.  

Jen4948

Cosigned.

JediElizabeth

Thanks, ladies! I thought so, but I figured it's better to be sure.

We're pretty much treating them all as one big wedding party, officiant included (for the gift budget, outfits, pictures - and if we're lucky enough to be offered bachelor/bachelorette parties, we'll probably suggest one co-ed thing for that, too), so fortunately the only change will be where people stand and what they say the day of. 

[Deleted User]

JediElizabeth said:

Thanks, ladies! I thought so, but I figured it's better to be sure.

We're pretty much treating them all as one big wedding party, officiant included (for the gift budget, outfits, pictures - and if we're lucky enough to be offered bachelor/bachelorette parties, we'll probably suggest one co-ed thing for that, too), so fortunately the only change will be where people stand and what they say the day of. 

So, I have a feeling your catholic friend is going to be told he can't or shouldn't get ordained by a heathen online church.  Here's a thought in case he and you still want him to 'speak' at your wedding.  Have one friend do the vows, I Dos, and proclamation; have the other friend give a homily or reading.  This is like when my episcopalian friend marries my lutheran friend and they each have a pastor up front, but only one can actually "do" the wedding and sign the certificate.  The pastors/ministers usually work together to do the wedding even though one is officially the officiant.

lc07

I think your plan is fine. I assume you would have included current officiant friend in WP photos, getting ready shenanigans, rehearsal and dinner etc. And will include the potential new officiant in the same capacity. Then, it would really just be a matter of switching up where they stood/what they said or didn't say during the ceremony. If that's the case, this switch is NBD. 

scrunchythief

I don't think that this is going to be kosher for your friend to get ordained.  He'd be very publicly and purposefully joining another faith.  While obviously the Church can't stop him from doing it, I don't think he'd remain in good standing.  But it can't hurt to ask his priest.  

Other options to look into:  I've heard some areas have one day "permits" to be a civil minister for weddings.  If it's an option where you're getting married, your friend could do that.

Also do you live in a self-uniting state?  PA and CO are the two, and you and your FI would be the ministers, and your friend could direct the rest of the ceremony.  

If all else fails, I think it'd be fine to swap roles especially since other WP members had volunteered to officiate.

JediElizabeth

adk19 said:

...

So, I have a feeling your catholic friend is going to be told he can't or shouldn't get ordained by a heathen online church.  Here's a thought in case he and you still want him to 'speak' at your wedding.  Have one friend do the vows, I Dos, and proclamation; have the other friend give a homily or reading.  This is like when my episcopalian friend marries my lutheran friend and they each have a pastor up front, but only one can actually "do" the wedding and sign the certificate.  The pastors/ministers usually work together to do the wedding even though one is officially the officiant.

We may have him do a reading. It's going to be a non-religious ceremony, but there are a few readings we've been thinking of. We'll see if/when we choose it.

scrunchythief said:

I don't think that this is going to be kosher for your friend to get ordained.  He'd be very publicly and purposefully joining another faith.  While obviously the Church can't stop him from doing it, I don't think he'd remain in good standing.  But it can't hurt to ask his priest.  

Other options to look into:  I've heard some areas have one day "permits" to be a civil minister for weddings.  If it's an option where you're getting married, your friend could do that.

Also do you live in a self-uniting state?  PA and CO are the two, and you and your FI would be the ministers, and your friend could direct the rest of the ceremony.  

If all else fails, I think it'd be fine to swap roles especially since other WP members had volunteered to officiate.

Unfortunately, though we'll be living in PA at the time, we're going to be married in NJ, which is my home state. They'll allow pretty much any public servant or leader of religious institution to marry us, but they don't have 1 day licenses. That would be fabulous.

<And here's where I'd make a very bad joke about marrying ourselves at home in the morning and having the ceremony in the evening, if I had enough coffee to be that glib yet this morning. >

holyguacamole79

I'm REALLY curious what the priest tells him. 

RosesAreRed13

If the friend cannot do it because of the Catholic Church views, were you planning on keeping the original groomsman or bridesmaid in those roles and also having one of them officiate?   I don't see a problem with adding the original officiant to the wedding party, but I don't think you should "switch out roles" for the replacement officiant.  You can have someone be a groomsman/bridesmaid AND an officiant. 

JediElizabeth

Update:

I just got a chance to talk in person with this friend. (He had been on vacation, and I didn't think it was a phone/text kinda conversation.) Apparently, he had gotten ordained in college as a joke, before his religion became so important to him, and it's still valid. SO, that's a big weight off my shoulders. 

I'm going to put his church's opinion on that in the "not my circus, not my monkeys" column, and stop stressing about it.