Bad advice columns: why we have an etiquette board

Knottie18029834

Courtesy of my local paper. The author of this column is also the "scene" columnist, covering all the charity balls and fancy parties. 

http://www.post-gazette.com/life/ask-natalie/2016/03/01/Should-wedding-guests-bring-gifts/stories/201603010007#

geebee908

Knottie18029834 said:

Courtesy of my local paper. The author of this column is also the "scene" columnist, covering all the charity balls and fancy parties. 

http://www.post-gazette.com/life/ask-natalie/2016/03/01/Should-wedding-guests-bring-gifts/stories/201603010007#

Wow, I can't believe what I just read. So much entitlement.

glasgowtolondon

"I am still in shock at the crassness of people these days." 

Yeah, you and me both, love.

tigerlily6

Holy crap. What?!?! 

(1) Entitlement, much? Did it ever occur to the writer of the complaint that those were her GUESTS? I have been the guest she complains about who didn't bring a gift to the wedding -- I was an OOT guest, a senior in college, and it had already cost me a lot of money to fly out to the wedding. I bought a nice card and wrote a heartfelt message in it, but did not have the funds available for much of a gift. And you know what? I think the bride was just pretty excited that I was able to be there. In sum, yes, lady, weddings can be (not HAVE to be) expensive, lady. But you obviously had the means to host one for your son. Step back and take a privilege check. 

(2) If I hadn't been able to bring a gift to the wedding itself, but was still planning on getting the couple a gift AFTER the wedding, the best way to kill that generosity would be to have the groom's mommy call me asking why I didn't bring a gift. In fact, if that happened, I might just be spiteful and send a purposefully insulting gift just to make a point. Like a potato (Happy Nesting for the New Couple!) or a nickel (Go Wild on that Honeymoon!).

(3) Oh, okay, brilliant solution, Natalie: put the registry info on the invitation. Gottcha. Not gift grabby at all. 

*headsmack* 

thefanciestbeckler

JediElizabeth

If I didn't know better, I'd think this was satire. 

Yes, please do pick up a copy of Emily Post's "Etiquette," and read it yourself!!

TNDancer

WTF- give them a physical present and money just in case your first present sucks

"Not only should guests bring gifts to the wedding, but they also should bring a card with a monetary gift"

Heffalump

Ugh, that letter sucks so hard.

"I take it quite personally that one would show up and partake of a free bar and fabulous meal without even a courtesy acknowledgement."

Maybe her (?) friends should take it personally that she invited them--you know, as her guests--only with the expectation that her kid would get something in return.  That's not hospitality, that's a business transaction.

The columnist is worse:

"Did you put the gift registry on the wedding invite? That is a good way to ensure that people know where you are registered so they can get the appropriate gift for the bride and groom. Having assumed you did so, I can’t imagine why anyone would show up without a present."

sparklepants41

Heffalump said:

Ugh, that letter sucks so hard.

"I take it quite personally that one would show up and partake of a free bar and fabulous meal without even a courtesy acknowledgement."

Maybe her (?) friends should take it personally that she invited them--you know, as her guests--only with the expectation that her kid would get something in return.  That's not hospitality, that's a business transaction.

The columnist is worse:

"Did you put the gift registry on the wedding invite? That is a good way to ensure that people know where you are registered so they can get the appropriate gift for the bride and groom. Having assumed you did so, I can’t imagine why anyone would show up without a present."

I also can't believe the letter-writer actually had the audacity to call her guests and demand to know where their gift was. Good for those people to just never responded to her. 

PamBeesly524

Wait wait wait... I read this early this morning and had to stop because it was too nauseating first thing in the morning. I just re-read it, and is she ACTUALLY suggesting that guests must not only bring a gift, but also a card filled with MONEY too?

This has to be a joke... please.

Heffalump

sparklepants41 said:

Heffalump said:

Ugh, that letter sucks so hard.

"I take it quite personally that one would show up and partake of a free bar and fabulous meal without even a courtesy acknowledgement."

Maybe her (?) friends should take it personally that she invited them--you know, as her guests--only with the expectation that her kid would get something in return.  That's not hospitality, that's a business transaction.

The columnist is worse:

"Did you put the gift registry on the wedding invite? That is a good way to ensure that people know where you are registered so they can get the appropriate gift for the bride and groom. Having assumed you did so, I can’t imagine why anyone would show up without a present."

I also can't believe the letter-writer actually had the audacity to call her guests and demand to know where their gift was. Good for those people to just never responded to her. 

Guest:  "I got your gift right here:

kimmiinthemitten

I am not sure who is worse, the meddling mother or the so called advice columnist.

Windycityyarn

And she said to put the registry on the invitation itself. No. Just no no no no no.

[Deleted User]

Windycityyarn said:

And she said to put the registry on the invitation itself. No. Just no no no no no.

But if you don't put it in everyone's face where you're registered, how are they supposed to pay you back for all the eating and drinking you do at their party???  I mean, aren't weddings supposed to be tit for tat?  I feed you, you pay me appropriately.  Duh!

geebee908

I think the advice columnist should have gone the whole way with her line of thinking and not just advised that they put the registry information on the invitation, but suggested that they put a minimum amount of gift on the invitation as the guest's admission to the wedding.

thisismynickname2

geebee908 said:

I think the advice columnist should have gone the whole way with her line of thinking and not just advised that they put the registry information on the invitation, but suggested that they put a minimum amount of gift on the invitation as the guest's admission to the wedding.

LOL. A wedding is not a frat party where you pay $5 for your red solo cup and unlimited beer. 
That's what I think people really mean when they assume gifts are required to partake in the festivities. 

glasgowtolondon

thisismynickname said:

geebee908 said:

I think the advice columnist should have gone the whole way with her line of thinking and not just advised that they put the registry information on the invitation, but suggested that they put a minimum amount of gift on the invitation as the guest's admission to the wedding.

LOL. A wedding is not a frat party where you pay $5 for your red solo cup and unlimited beer. 
That's what I think people really mean when they assume gifts are required to partake in the festivities. 

Hold on.

You mean I shouldn't charge £5 a cup? But how will I afford to invite all 500 of my closest friends and family??? I assure you they all love me - no one complained when I charged £25 per invite! Bitches better bring me my presents.

Actually, in my home town I could almost guarantee no one would bat an eyelid at a cash bar. I have decided to be the change I want to see in the world, ha!

short+sassy

Just when I thought the original letter writer was bad enough, the advice columnist "calls the bet and raises".  (((Shudder)))

I admit, I'd feel like a jerk going to a wedding without some type of gift and a card, whether monetary or otherwise.  But that's me.  I wouldn't side-eye anyone else about a gift, whether I was the bride or not.  However, and I know it probably isn't the right thing to say, but I would side-eye a guest who doesn't at least bring (or mail) a card for a wedding.  Just a card, it doesn't need to have money in it.

[Deleted User]

short+sassy said:

Just when I thought the original letter writer was bad enough, the advice columnist "calls the bet and raises".  (((Shudder)))

I admit, I'd feel like a jerk going to a wedding without some type of gift and a card, whether monetary or otherwise.  But that's me.  I wouldn't side-eye anyone else about a gift, whether I was the bride or not.  However, and I know it probably isn't the right thing to say, but I would side-eye a guest who doesn't at least bring (or mail) a card for a wedding.  Just a card, it doesn't need to have money in it.

I don't do cards.  Unless I'm bringing a card as the method to gift a check, I just don't do cards.  If a couple has a registry, I usually ship a gift to their home prior to the wedding.  On the rare occasion that I have a card without a check, I usually forget to put it in the cardbox or birdcage.  It sits in my coat pocket or purse until I get home and slap myself for forgetting it.  So, I've learned that about myself and stopped bothering with buying cards if I've already sent a gift.  Besides, have you seen the price of cards nowadays?  I already bought you a nice gift!  But I still have to spend $4.95 on a piece of paper with a saccharine sentiment that you're going to read once, smile, and throw away?  Nope.  I don't do cards.

ernursej

Oh gosh. This is just eye-widening horrible. I think this (and I'm sure hundreds of other columns and websites) are the reason people are so confused. I appreciate that this site has a backbone and really sticks it to etiquette.

short+sassy

adk19 said:

short+sassy said:

Just when I thought the original letter writer was bad enough, the advice columnist "calls the bet and raises".  (((Shudder)))

I admit, I'd feel like a jerk going to a wedding without some type of gift and a card, whether monetary or otherwise.  But that's me.  I wouldn't side-eye anyone else about a gift, whether I was the bride or not.  However, and I know it probably isn't the right thing to say, but I would side-eye a guest who doesn't at least bring (or mail) a card for a wedding.  Just a card, it doesn't need to have money in it.

I don't do cards.  Unless I'm bringing a card as the method to gift a check, I just don't do cards.  If a couple has a registry, I usually ship a gift to their home prior to the wedding.  On the rare occasion that I have a card without a check, I usually forget to put it in the cardbox or birdcage.  It sits in my coat pocket or purse until I get home and slap myself for forgetting it.  So, I've learned that about myself and stopped bothering with buying cards if I've already sent a gift.  Besides, have you seen the price of cards nowadays?  I already bought you a nice gift!  But I still have to spend $4.95 on a piece of paper with a saccharine sentiment that you're going to read once, smile, and throw away?  Nope.  I don't do cards.

I could see that.  I guess I should clarify further to say a guest bringing nothing...not even a card.  I fully admit being in the etiquette wrong on that.  It is just one of those rare etiquette times where, although I understand a guest is not required to bring anything, it doesn't sit well with me if they bring/mail nothing.  It's not even a major side-eye, just something I would find odd.

monkeysip

That has to be one of the worst things I've ever read

pinupbride6189

JediElizabeth said:

If I didn't know better, I'd think this was satire. 

Yes, please do pick up a copy of Emily Post's "Etiquette," and read it yourself!!

That'd be the gift I sent...

ILoveBeachMusic

short+sassy said:

Just when I thought the original letter writer was bad enough, the advice columnist "calls the bet and raises".  (((Shudder)))

I admit, I'd feel like a jerk going to a wedding without some type of gift and a card, whether monetary or otherwise.  But that's me.  I wouldn't side-eye anyone else about a gift, whether I was the bride or not.  However, and I know it probably isn't the right thing to say, but I would side-eye a guest who doesn't at least bring (or mail) a card for a wedding.  Just a card, it doesn't need to have money in it.

This is exactly how I feel. Personally, I would never attend a wedding without giving a gift (either box or monetary but not both!). Not my business what others do. I do think at least a card should be given though - just to send best wishes. It doesn't have to be an expensive card ('cause some are costly) but a couple of dollars shouldn't break the bank. @adk19, I just read your response to short+sassy. I was also talking about a card when no gift is given at all. If a gift has been sent previously, no card necessary - I know it is never necessary.  

ETA:explanation 'cause I didn't read everything.

SP29

Ugh.....

fyrchk

"We painstakingly went over the guest list many, many times to assure that we kept to our budget and yet did not leave out anyone near and dear to our hearts that we wanted to share the day with."

Translation: We made a list of people who we thought would come through with the best presents.

zerostarzombie

....wow.

EvilSockLady

Have you read the comment section though? I've just started but it gives me hope for humanity.

badbnagdway

Yikes. It is astonishing that someone employs "Natalie" as an advice columnist. 

Just last night a friend of mine complained about people who came to her wedding and brought a plus one and bought a "cheap gift". I told her we had many friends who got us nothing and that gifts are not required. 

SP29

EvilSockLady said:

Have you read the comment section though? I've just started but it gives me hope for humanity.

I did- it was very refreshing. 98% of the commenters have their heads on straight.

I can't get over the crass of calling up guests to ask where their gift is.

Knottie18029834

And here is the columnist's response to criticism. I don't believe the Post institute actually said that...

http://www.post-gazette.com/life/ask-natalie/2016/03/08/Ask-Natalie-More-wedding-dilemmas/stories/201603080011