Does anyone else flip flop on the idea of having a wedding?

ahoywedding

FI & I are getting married next spring. Neither of us are super young (early 30's), and by this point have done much "bigger" things in our lives besides get married (graduated college, bought a house, survived cancer, etc). We are excited to be married and start our lives together, and love the idea of throwing a party for our family and friends. We have a super awesome venue, and the wedding should be really fun and relaxed for everyone.

That being said...does anyone else ever feel like saying forget the whole wedding idea, and think about how many more "practical" things you could use that money for? Deposits are paid and I doubt I'll regret anything, but the practical side of me just can't help but show up sometimes.

pinkcow13

We had a pretty big wedding. I totally thought of more practical things to spend the money on. At the end of the day it's really a big party. But, it's what I've always wanted. And while H did not really think of his wedding day the way I did, he was completely on board and excited to have our big wedding with our family and friends. There are always more practical things to spend the money on, but as long as you're responsible about it, enjoy it. What's the point of working so hard and saving so much money if you're not gonna have a little fun once in a while?

While I know that money could have obviously been spent on other things, I do not regret it at all. We had a wonderful wedding, and having all our family and friends with us for that one night was totally worth it. No regrets here.

[Deleted User]

ahoywedding said:

FI & I are getting married next spring. Neither of us are super young (early 30's), and by this point have done much "bigger" things in our lives besides get married (graduated college, bought a house, survived cancer, etc). We are excited to be married and start our lives together, and love the idea of throwing a party for our family and friends. We have a super awesome venue, and the wedding should be really fun and relaxed for everyone.

That being said...does anyone else ever feel like saying forget the whole wedding idea, and think about how many more "practical" things you could use that money for? Deposits are paid and I doubt I'll regret anything, but the practical side of me just can't help but show up sometimes.

Yep.  Not yet planning a wedding, but I think it's kinda because I can't decide what I'd prefer.  We have a house that I chose over an engagement ring a couple years ago.  While I'd love to throw an awesome party for everyone I love, I also want to repair my back fence, redo my bathrooms from the studs up, and put more money into my retirement account.

sal2015

We flip flopped. We even lost a bit of a deposit over it. I have never dreamed of a big wedding and after about 6 months of kind of starting to plan a big wedding, we changed our minds (all we had at that point was the date and venue). I couldn't justify spending that much money on one party on one day. Sure, if I had been dreaming of it for years or if we really wanted it, but neither of us did. We scaled way down and moved our plans up 6 months. Our tiny wedding was almost a year ago and it worked well for us. Our family was happy and well hosted and we have some great memories of the day. We saved a ton of money and have been able to do so many  more things to our house, travel, and moved up our plans to TTC since we spent very little on our wedding.

glasgowtolondon

All. The. Time.

I would have preferred a teeny tiny wedding but unfortunately I'm not marrying myself so I have to compromise with something bigger. Sometimes I wish we would just say 'fuck it', go to the town hall with 2 friends and go to the pub after. It's the money, sure, but also the planning. God, the guest list! The booze - how much is enough? Is the food good, is there enough? I'm not having a good week wedding-wise. And I really want a new kitchen but have no pennies to spare. A wedding is one day, a nice kitchen would make me happy every night, you know?

kimmiinthemitten

I could marry FI in sweatpants at the courthouse tomorrow and would be incredibly happy. And I hate making decisions. So yes, I flip flopped, a lot, especially in the beginning. 

But my family is so incredibly happy for me. And large. And my mom will eventually go blind. To me, what reminds me of why we're going through it is for the memories. If our wedding is the last, big family party my mom sees it's all worth it. 

DarthV8r

We flipped flopped a lot.  We were trying to save money and time  but still have a wedding in a responsible way.  We ended up changing venues to save money, switched our photography package, and reduced our budget for our attire and flowers. It's not at all how I imagined our wedding but I'm still so happy we are doing it the cheaper way. 

Jells2dot0

We were adamant on not spending a ton of money on our wedding. We had both been married previously and had large, traditional weddings the first time around. I had a six figure wedding and the marriage lasted all of two years. LOL When I remarried, I was 32, H had just turned 50. We had been through all of the bigger, important things in life as well. Not to mention H has two children (both who were over 18 when we married). So, we eloped. We did end up spending a lot of money on the travel part of our elopement, but we always spend a ton on travel. It's a part of our annual budget any way. We just decided to incorporate a wedding into our trip. I do not regret the way we approached it at all.

I actually DO regret spending all of that money on my first wedding. But, part of that is because I did not want a larger wedding in the first place. It was my parents' "thing". It was an amazing wedding, though.

floridabride44

Definitely flip flopped a lot, especially because both my parents and H's parents graciously offered us string-free money. Basically, here's X amount, you can spend it on a wedding or if you choose to elope you can put the money towards a house, car, whatever. Every bone in my body was telling me to be financially responsible and use that money towards something more long-term rather than blow it all on one big party.

But in the end, I'm really glad we had a wedding with friends & family. These days weddings are basically the only time my extended family all gets together, because all of the cousins are all spread out across the country, but at the age range where everyone's getting married. I didn't want to lose out on the opportunity to get everyone together and party. I'd do it again in a heartbeat! But definitely understand having doubts about dropping a ton of cash on ONE day. 

short+sassy

I changed into wedding themed flip flops after my ceremony, does that count?

Seriously, though, I got married for the first (and last) time in my late 30s.  When I was younger, I had always dreamed of the more traditional type of wedding.  In a banquet hall, with a 100+ guests, and all the wedding customs. 

But, when the time came, I just saw no point in spending all that money on a one-day event.  So, we scaled it WAY back.  We still had a lovely ceremony and reception, but with only 35 guests and in my mom's large patio.  My H probably would have been happiest going to the courthouse with my mom/stepdad/sister/sister's family and then taking them out to a fancy restaurant afterwards.  But I needed a bit more fanfare and he's a sweet man who understood that.

All in all, it was an amazing and perfect day.  We were happy with our choices and the money that was spent.

Not to sound completely unromantic, but a wedding (especially with guests and reception) is a cost.  And it's important for couples to sit down in the beginning and decide what a realistic budget for that day needs to be.  I'm not side-eying ANYONE who makes a conscious decision to say, "I'm cool spending $100K+ for my wedding day or I'm not spending more than $35 cost for the marriage license."  With the only huge caveat being, if guests are invited, they need to be treated appropriately.

I've seen on these boards, where things do start to get out of hand.  And sometimes, like @sal2015 did, it can be a wise move for couples to stop and reevaluate what they really want for the day. 

WinstonsGirl

DH kinda flipped, but he wanted to elope.  I wanted small wedding.  He was worried about being the centre of attention as he's quite private.  I really wanted immediate family and best friends as a minimum.  He went with my idea, and said after that he was really happy we did a small wedding.  We had 40 guests, which was the top of my happy limit.  Still cost a boat load though, but it was worth it

redwoodoriginal

It's been over a year and a half and sometimes I still cringe at the money we spent (and we had a somewhat budget wedding for Chicago) on our wedding, esp bc I never wanted a big party to begin with. It was a great day, I had a wonderful time celebrating with family and friends, but I still would have preferred courthouse and a yummy lunch with just my H. But he and our families wanted a wedding, so we had a wedding. But I wouldn't say I wouldn't change it- not that I necessarily regret the whole wedding party part, but if it were solely up to me, I'd still go the courthouse route. But, compromises and all that jazz. Either way, I got married so that's what counts

thefanciestbeckler

We flipped a little. It was really more like every time we wrote a check there was a tinge of regret or feeling like we could have spent the money on something more practical.

I would never ever ever in a million years plan another wedding. HOWEVER I absolutely do not regret having one. The pictures we have and memories we made are priceless to me.

monkeysip

I never flip flopped about having our full nuptial mass ceremony.  But I did flip flop about having a "fancier" reception vs. something like a burger or barbecue buffet.  The latter still sounds like it would've been fun, but I don't have regrets about our wedding.

charlotte989875

We flipped after if that counts. 

We we both wish we would have eloped or had a very small ceremony. My parents graciously paid for everything and their money came with all kinds of strings. By the time I realized just how bad it was too late into the planning to get out of it without even more hurt feelings. So we had a huge wedding. We had a good time, and at the end of the day we were married, but I wish we had done things differently. Maybe in time I'll feel differently, but we had so many problems with my family and my MOH that irrevocably changed relationships and I do wonder had we said no to the money, no to a big wedding if things would be different today. 

ernursej

Not really, but we are having a very small wedding and we've already got our finances in order. I'd be more hesitant if it was a big wedding like my sister had or we didn't have our finances in order. We are looking at our wedding like any adventure trip we might take. Sure, costs some money ... but amazing memories afterwards.

SP29

I see where you are coming from, but I agree with the sentiment of as long as you are being smart about your money (not putting yourself in debt for a wedding), you can't take your money with you, so might as well enjoy it.

We had an evening dinner+dance reception, but our budget was almost half of what the average wedding cost is.

In some ways I do think, "well that could have been part of our house down payment" (still working on that life goal), but at the same time, we did save (married after we got out of school, engaged 2 years, good budget), and we knew we wanted our friends and family with us, so we planned the wedding that would give us that.

DH would have eloped. I said no, because I wanted our friends and family there. Unless he was going to whisk me away to Bora Bora- I'd elope for that. Turns out a trip to Bora Bora for the two of us would cost just about as much as the full reception we had anyway .

I do think many people get drowned in the "hoopla" or overwhelmed with what they think they *should* plan/spend, so I very much support a couple really figuring out what is important and prioritizing (that is some of my biggest married-person advice, next to host your guests well).

JoanE2012

Honestly, I knew I wanted the wedding and everything that came with it.  DH was on board too.  We didn't go super extravagant, but we treated everyone well.  We looked at it as a once in a lifetime party and that money would be insignificant relative to everything else in the years to follow.  The memories of celebrating with friends and family are priceless too.  We have no regrets and are glad we planned the day the way we did.

CMGragain

My late grandmother had two long and successful marriages.  Both were elopements, against the wishes of her family.  She had no regrets, and was pleased that my own wedding was small and unpretentious.

scrunchythief

My dream wedding, without taking anyone else's feelings into account, would've been to just get married during a normal Sunday Mass.  But it was important to DH to have all of his family there, and I knew it'd really hurt my family to not be included, which I didn't want to do.

So apart from the huge guest list, which was mostly family, we kept things as simple as possible (mostly).  We spent about a third of what the average wedding costs, which especially since the wedding was in the Philadelphia suburbs, we're quite proud of.  

For extras (decor, music, attire), I'd recommend thinking about what's really important to you and not spend on things just because that's "how things are done."  Apart from proper hosting, of course, but you already seem well on board the "have a great party for the guests" train:)  We're really glad we had all of our friends and family there and don't regret the money we spent on food/alcohol at all.  But I'm super glad we didn't spend much on extras.

spockforprez

My 100 person backyard wedding has morphed into an 8-12 person hospital wedding. Honestly, the main thing I feel is relief. We planned a wedding that we would enjoy, but getting to that point, especially in the last few weeks and days before the wedding, was going to be so stressful. (Yay DIY venues... NOT.) I'm glad it's over.

Also, I cared so much about what FH's family and friends would think - would they think we were white trash, would they be disappointed to have traveled for a simple BBQ/bonfire, would they laugh at our country ways, would my decorations look weddingy enough, etc., etc. Having that pressure gone feels great. I do worry about making FH happy and comfortable on the day of, although I think it will be bittersweet no matter what we do, but not worrying about being judged is an awesome feeling.

If I could go back, I would work harder to compromise on the size and scope of our wedding (I wanted to elope and FH wanted a wedding) or force myself and FH to WAIT to plan so that I could have read TK a lot more before making major plans... for example, I thought if I invited one member from my dad's family I would have to invite all of them, all five sisters and all their children. That alone was 40 people! So basically, yes, lots of flip flopping, and I would join in with PPs who preferred/would have preferred/would have changed to a smaller wedding.

ThxSugar

It would have been much easier, and we would probably be married by now, if we have done just immediate family like I wanted. But FH wanted more friends and family so that is what we are rolling with. I don't think he thought very far about how adding 100 people to the guest list would affect the budget but it is okay. We have been able to save way more than I thought we could, everyone will be properly hosted, and we will be married. Do sometimes I wish it was all over and done with? Sure but I know it will still be a great day and we learned that when we work together we can pull off big things.

emmaaa

I occasionally had that thought but we definitely wanted to be married in our church and celebrate with our friends afterwards. We could've cut back on our reception but honestly, we loved every bit of our wedding/reception and I'm glad we stuck with the big wedding.

My BFF, OTOH, is getting married this December and really wants to elope but her FI wanted bigger wedding so they settled on a smaller wedding.

ahoywedding

Ahhhhhh I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. We aren't going into debt for the wedding, and can easily save what we need. Our friends and family are scattered all over the country, and I feel like having them all in one place would be worth the expense. We are spending way less on the parts we don't care too much about (but properly hosting meal + booze!). Thanks for calming my worries!

thisismynickname2

I hate to put it this way, but, I would have totally been happy eloping and DH and his family would have been most definitely not ok with an elopement. So the fact that my parents-in-law paid for a significant chunk of the wedding definitely made the whole thing more palatable to me. 
I'm also glad we had a relatively smaller wedding. The in-laws' extended family is family, after all; thank God my MIL or my parents didn't go inviting random neighbors or something. I would not be ok with spending many thousands of dollars on people who aren't true nearest-and-dearest. 

softkittywarmkitty

I flip flop pretty much all the time

CharmedPam

ahoywedding said:

FI & I are getting married next spring. Neither of us are super young (early 30's), and by this point have done much "bigger" things in our lives besides get married (graduated college, bought a house, survived cancer, etc). We are excited to be married and start our lives together, and love the idea of throwing a party for our family and friends. We have a super awesome venue, and the wedding should be really fun and relaxed for everyone.

That being said...does anyone else ever feel like saying forget the whole wedding idea, and think about how many more "practical" things you could use that money for? Deposits are paid and I doubt I'll regret anything, but the practical side of me just can't help but show up sometimes.

yup.  Absolutely.  Even though we're getting partial help from my parents, the amount of money we're putting in still seems like a lot (and I'm within a VERY good budget for NY).  We have deposits on everything, and people are super excited and making plans, as are we - but the money I could have put into updating my house comes to mind.   And even though, we're going on a nice cruise for the honeymoon, I still feel money towards other trips would have been the better idea.   But at least I can look back at the wonderful party we threw?

badbnagdway

After the fact the thing that really struck me (which everyone tells you, but you just can't really understand until you've done it) is how much money we spent for something that goes by so fast. We could afford the wedding we had and also put a down payment on a house beforehand. Still, the wedding day just flew by. I can't picture having no wedding at all, I wanted to get married with my family and close friends there, but I was down for a smaller wedding than we actually had (H had a lot of people he really wanted to invite).  

OurWildKingdom

I was just chatting with my brother (married 14 years) about this very topic. He and SIL had 250 guests, and he says he would have done a smaller ceremony and a party afterwards if he could do it again.

dulcheamor

Well I for one was not about to spend my whole life earnings in a wedding. Like my mother always said, if your going to spend all that money on other people you should instead spend it on yourself (house, vacation, etc.) i had a small wedding and it was just right. I advice you to have something even if it small.  You can cute out all the big expenses and have a small family event. I would suggest to spend the most money on the photographer. You might want to capture the moment which can last a life time.  Check out my wedding page and let me know if you need a tip or two. 

OurWildKingdom

Met with a caterer on Saturday and got a touch of sticker shock. Eloping sounds better all the time.