So I've vented about her a few times but if you want to see my original vent here's some backstory:http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1060060/31-days-engaged-and-fmil-demands-have-begun#latest
Since then, she has really come around on everything, not just wedding stuff. We've planned events together, chatted on the phone, gotten to know each other better and enjoyed each others company. She offered to throw me a shower for both of our families, so in light of all of these positive events/months, I accepted.
Well, now I think I need to decline.
My sister lives out of state and has a baby. She was home for a weekend to visit so we threw a party for my family to come over. FMIL said she would like to come, as did her SIL, so we invited them both as well.
Well, the week after she just let FI have it. She had something nasty to say about just about everyone in my family, which whatever, my family rocks. But she really crossed a line and a boundary with my mom.
My mom is retired, on SSDI and Deaf/Blind and wants to go to a 9 month program after the wedding which is basically occupational therapy. I was discussing it with my aunts and that if she is accepted, depending on where in the calendar year the training falls, we would end her lease, she would live with us until the time to go to NY, and then move back in after until we found her a new HUD, senior apartment.
I consider myself lucky that I found someone who loves my mom and would rather have the relative inconvenience of her staying with us short term, to help extend her ability to live independently long term. FMIL, on the other hand, accused me of 'forcing it onto him with no say or consideration for his needs or his families needs' and 'taking advantage of his kindness.'
FI shut it down, told her she crossed a line and that what we as a family chose to do to help my mother, who has immediate short and long term needs, was none of her business and hung up. He hasn't spoken to her in two weeks. He has since spoken with his aunt who told him that FMIL is mad that we made plans for my mom and have no room or plans for her (she's healthy, still working, and has means), and that our wedding means she is no longer FI's most important person and that I have taken over her role in his life (I'm his partner, not his mother).
What bother me the most though, is that she refuses to respect FI as an adult who is capable of making hard life decisions. She complains that FFIL put his mother first and didn't defend her, but she obviously wants FI to be the husband she hated. It hurts me to see her hurt him.
At this point, it is more clear to me than ever, that she does not support our marriage, only about the outside appearance of supporting it (Look at everything I did for the kids!
). Since it should be left to FI to deal with the hard communication stuff with his family, how do I politely decline her offer, after I already accepted it. Nothing has been planned yet, just a tentative location and date.
Also, thanks for letting me vent. I need to hear some third party opinions before I approach FI about declining the shower.