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Wedding Etiquette Forum
justkatnow
member
gifts for whom?
My wedding is May, being fully paid for by myself and my FI. My future in laws have generously offered to help pay for the rehearsal dinner (they don't have a lot of money, so it's very appreciated!) My mother is passed on and using some of my inheritance to help pay for the wedding. My dad and his wife are flying out but won't be contributing to the wedding, nor would I ask. So now that I am getting gifts, I have one for my MOH and my Jr bridesmaid (my daughter) and the best man and the groomsman (my boys). I think it would also be appropriate to get my FSIL a gift, as she opened up her home for the bridal shower. Also, my future in-laws for their contribution. Is it expected to get anything to my dad and his wife too? Is there anyone else I should be thinking of gift wise?
Thanks.
Thanks.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: gifts for whom?
Side note, for your FSIL, I would give her the gift sooner rather than later, if the shower already happened, since that sort of thing is more along the lines of a thank you card, which should be sent out ASAP after the event.
That said, while a nice heartfelt thank-you note to your dad and his wife (and a gift if you want) would be a nice gesture, you do not owe "tit for tat" gifts to anyone by way of "reimbursement" for contributing to your wedding or even just for being your parents.
If you want to give FSIL a gift for hosting your shower, this should be given in the same timeline as the shower as a thank you.
Gifts given to the WP should be given in the timeline of the wedding, often done at the rehearsal, but can also be given privately. These are to thank your WP for standing up for you, not for any other contribution.
As for your parents, while parent gifts are not required, they are also not given because of monetary contribution. They are to thank your parents for their love and support throughout your life and in your upcoming marriage. Thus, if you're going to give your ILs a gift, I would also give your dad a gift, if that is a positive relationship in your life (more so that I wouldn't not give him a gift just because he isn't contributing).
I would always give the gifts privately.
For your FSIL, I would encourage you to wait until after the shower so you can personalize the note with remarks about the actual shower (i.e. "I loved the cupcakes you made with the icing to match my wedding colours. So thoughtful!").
The gifts were a thank you for taking part in the wedding events, not for contributing to the wedding.
As in regards to my step-mom, I've always thought, that traditionally only the bride wears white, including any form of off white, eggshell, etc. I'm happy for you @ILoveBeachMusic, glad you're day went off without a hitch
@PamBeesly524it's been a headache because I'm tired of arguing with her and explaining how I'd like things done. As I've read several times over on the boards, "those who pay, get a say" since she is not paying, she doesn't get a say... and I shouldn't have to continually explain why we don't want a suit or tux. Or why I'm doing plated instead of buffet, or why is the venue so far removed...the list goes on.
If anyone looks like she's trying to be the bride, this is what will happen: Your other guests will think she's ridiculous and you are gracious, people will still realize you're the bride, and no other consequences will ensue, unless you create drama.
i have, however gotten this thread off topic. I would love to hear ideas about the gifts that were purchased. I read gift cards to restaurants, but that can add up if giving out more than a couple. Thanks again. And sorry again for getting off topic
While traditionally only the bride wears white, you still can't tell another guest how to dress. This is also tradition, not an etiquette faux pas. And if she does show up wearing something ridiculous it will only do that to her, people will not confused her for you
As for the last point- I can understand this is frustrating to explain yourself, but since she is not paying, you don't have to. If the conversation is not productive, stop talking about your wedding with her. You can say things such as, "We have gotten that far yet with our planning" or "Thanks for the idea, we'll think about it ", both followed by "have you tried this bean dip?". If she is really pushing you, you can be direct and say, "FI and I have already made the decision, which is final, so I will not be discussing it further".
I'll admit I'm a worrier of too many things (dress included! Lol) but I also want to show my gratitude the right way and in a timely fashion. And worry that I'm not doing something right.
Probably seems petty from the outside looking in. I just can't overlook the years of her passive aggressiveness over the past 2 decades because she can pretend like she's the mom of the bride. I won't disservice my mom like that.
Boy am I off topic once again. I think I'm using this thread as therapy.
Good luck with your planning and don't worry about using the boards as therapy.