gifts for whom?

justkatnow

My wedding is May, being fully paid for by myself and my FI. My future in laws have generously offered to help pay for the rehearsal dinner (they don't have a lot of money, so it's very appreciated!) My mother is passed on and using some of my inheritance to help pay for the wedding. My dad and his wife are flying out but won't be contributing to the wedding, nor would I ask. So now that I am getting gifts, I have one for my MOH and my Jr bridesmaid (my daughter) and the best man and the groomsman (my boys). I think it would also be appropriate to get my FSIL a gift, as she opened up her home for the bridal shower. Also, my future in-laws for their contribution. Is it expected to get anything to my dad and his wife too? Is there anyone else I should be thinking of gift wise?

Thanks.

julieanne912

Gifts for anybody are not required, but it's a nice gesture.  I don't think you should be expected to give your dad and his wife a gift.  If they're not contributing financially to the wedding (totally fine btw), then they're just guests at the wedding, and the reception is for thanking guests that came to the wedding.  

Side note, for your FSIL, I would give her the gift sooner rather than later, if the shower already happened, since that sort of thing is more along the lines of a thank you card, which should be sent out ASAP after the event.

Jen4948

justkatnow said:

My wedding is May, being fully paid for by myself and my FI. My future in laws have generously offered to help pay for the rehearsal dinner (they don't have a lot of money, so it's very appreciated!) My mother is passed on and using some of my inheritance to help pay for the wedding. My dad and his wife are flying out but won't be contributing to the wedding, nor would I ask. So now that I am getting gifts, I have one for my MOH and my Jr bridesmaid (my daughter) and the best man and the groomsman (my boys). I think it would also be appropriate to get my FSIL a gift, as she opened up her home for the bridal shower. Also, my future in-laws for their contribution. Is it expected to get anything to my dad and his wife too? Is there anyone else I should be thinking of gift wise?

Thanks.

I agree that it would be appropriate to give a hostess gift to your FSIL, and it also would be appropriate to send nice, heartfelt thank-you notes to your FILs for their contribution.

That said, while a nice heartfelt thank-you note to your dad and his wife (and a gift if you want) would be a nice gesture, you do not owe "tit for tat" gifts to anyone by way of "reimbursement" for contributing to your wedding or even just for being your parents.

justkatnow

Thanks! I haven't given out the gifts yet. I'm planning at the shower next weekend. My stepmom won't be there, they live out of state. Figured this would be the best time to do it. I just a gift card to a restaurant would be nice to give to my FSIL. 

[Deleted User]

justkatnow said:

Thanks! I haven't given out the gifts yet. I'm planning at the shower next weekend. My stepmom won't be there, they live out of state. Figured this would be the best time to do it. I just a gift card to a restaurant would be nice to give to my FSIL. 

At the shower, you should give hostess gifts to the wonderful people who threw you a shower as a thank you for throwing that party for you.  At the rehearsal dinner, the morning of the wedding, or the days following the wedding would be when you give gifts to your bridal party and parents/ grandparents/ godparents as thank yous for their participation in the wedding/ taking time out of their lives/ raising you to be the person who is ready to take this step in your life.  These are Thank You Gifts.  You are not paying people back for throwing you parties or doing chores for you.  

SP29

Agree with adk19.

If you want to give FSIL a gift for hosting your shower, this should be given in the same timeline as the shower as a thank you.

Gifts given to the WP should be given in the timeline of the wedding, often done at the rehearsal, but can also be given privately. These are to thank your WP for standing up for you, not for any other contribution.

As for your parents, while parent gifts are not required, they are also not given because of monetary contribution. They are to thank your parents for their love and support throughout your life and in your upcoming marriage. Thus, if you're going to give your ILs a gift, I would also give your dad a gift, if that is a positive relationship in your life (more so that I wouldn't not give him a gift just because he isn't contributing).

ernursej

I would always give the gifts privately.

For your FSIL, I would encourage you to wait until after the shower so you can personalize the note with remarks about the actual shower (i.e. "I loved the cupcakes you made with the icing to match my wedding colours. So thoughtful!").

lc07

My advice is in line with @adk19 @sp29 and @ernursej. I am a fan of private gift giving. Give or send a gift/thank you after the shower promptly to the host.  I'd advise against giving others gifts at the shower in front of others who are not receiving gifts. 

It is traditional to give thank you gifts to those who are participating in your ceremony and also parents as a way of thanking them for their love and support. NOT as a thank you for financial contributions. A heartfelt thank you should always be given for a financial contribution which is not to be confused with a traditional parent gift. 

justkatnow

Thanks again! I will do wait til after the shower for my FSIL. And give the remaining gifts privately. I don't have a great relationship with my father and his wife. While he is flying out here and it is appreciated, it's not to say it hasn't presented it's own headaches in the process (ie...my step-mother asking if she can wear an all ivory dress saying she thought I was wearing white and ivory would be okay...my dress is ivory...or complaining that we opted to do a vest look for the groom and not a suit or tux. It's just been very draining and tiresome.) I'll just buck up and get them a small gift to show my appreciation for flying to us. Thanks again.

MandyMost

We gave gifts to everyone involved in the wedding, regardless of financial contribution. Essentially, if we has a planned timing/order for you to do something, you got a gift. My brother walked me down the aisle, he got a gift. My mom was officially escorted in by a cousin at the start of the ceremony, they both got gifts. Instead of a father-daughter dance (my father passed) we had a "family dance"...everyone we had pre-arranged the dance with got gifts. 

The gifts were a thank you for taking part in the wedding events, not for contributing to the wedding. 

PamBeesly524

justkatnow said:

Thanks again! I will do wait til after the shower for my FSIL. And give the remaining gifts privately. I don't have a great relationship with my father and his wife. While he is flying out here and it is appreciated, it's not to say it hasn't presented it's own headaches in the process (ie...my step-mother asking if she can wear an all ivory dress saying she thought I was wearing white and ivory would be okay...my dress is ivory...or complaining that we opted to do a vest look for the groom and not a suit or tux. It's just been very draining and tiresome.) I'll just buck up and get them a small gift to show my appreciation for flying to us. Thanks again.

... Why is this a headache?

ILoveBeachMusic

justkatnow said:

Thanks again! I will do wait til after the shower for my FSIL. And give the remaining gifts privately. I don't have a great relationship with my father and his wife. While he is flying out here and it is appreciated, it's not to say it hasn't presented it's own headaches in the process (ie...my step-mother asking if she can wear an all ivory dress saying she thought I was wearing white and ivory would be okay...my dress is ivory...or complaining that we opted to do a vest look for the groom and not a suit or tux. It's just been very draining and tiresome.) I'll just buck up and get them a small gift to show my appreciation for flying to us. Thanks again.

My stepmother wore an ivory lace dress to my wedding. I will be married 33 years next month. It didn't affect the day or my marriage. NBD.

justkatnow

@MandyMostwhat types of gifts did you give?


As in regards to my step-mom, I've always thought, that traditionally only the bride wears white, including any form of off white, eggshell, etc. I'm happy for you @ILoveBeachMusic, glad you're day went off without a hitch I just want it differently at my wedding.

@PamBeesly524it's been a headache because I'm tired of arguing with her and explaining how I'd like things done.  As I've read several times over on the boards, "those who pay, get a say" since she is not paying, she doesn't get a say... and I shouldn't have to continually explain why we don't want a suit or tux. Or why I'm doing plated instead of buffet, or why is the venue so far removed...the list goes on.

geebee908

justkatnow said:

@MandyMostwhat types of gifts did you give?


As in regards to my step-mom, I've always thought, that traditionally only the bride wears white, including any form of off white, eggshell, etc. I'm happy for you @ILoveBeachMusic, glad you're day went off without a hitch I just want it differently at my wedding.  

Are you worried people will mistake your stepmom for you?

Jen4948

justkatnow said:

@MandyMostwhat types of gifts did you give?


As in regards to my step-mom, I've always thought, that traditionally only the bride wears white, including any form of off white, eggshell, etc. I'm happy for you @ILoveBeachMusic, glad you're day went off without a hitch I just want it differently at my wedding.  

The rule of thumb when it comes to dress colors for female wedding guests is that they should not look like they can be confused with the bride.  So if the stepmother's dress is ivory but doesn't make her look like the bride (which is possible), I'd let it go.  It's more about styling than the color.

flantastic

justkatnow said:

As in regards to my step-mom, I've always thought, that traditionally only the bride wears white, including any form of off white, eggshell, etc. I'm happy for you @ILoveBeachMusic, glad you're day went off without a hitch I just want it differently at my wedding.

Problem is, even if you "want it differently," there's nothing at all you can rightfully do about it, except not invite your father and step-mom. So you have to just stop worrying about it. Most people are not enough of an attention whore to try to upstage the bride (hence the "tradition" you refer to), but regardless all your guests are entitled to choose their own attire.

If anyone looks like she's trying to be the bride, this is what will happen: Your other guests will think she's ridiculous and you are gracious, people will still realize you're the bride, and no other consequences will ensue, unless you create drama.

justkatnow

I appreciate everyone's responses. And can assure I won't be creating drama  

i have, however gotten this thread off topic. I would love to hear ideas about the gifts that were purchased. I read gift cards to restaurants, but that can add up if giving out more than a couple. Thanks again. And sorry again for getting off topic

SP29

justkatnow said:

@MandyMostwhat types of gifts did you give?


As in regards to my step-mom, I've always thought, that traditionally only the bride wears white, including any form of off white, eggshell, etc. I'm happy for you @ILoveBeachMusic, glad you're day went off without a hitch I just want it differently at my wedding.

@PamBeesly524it's been a headache because I'm tired of arguing with her and explaining how I'd like things done.  As I've read several times over on the boards, "those who pay, get a say" since she is not paying, she doesn't get a say... and I shouldn't have to continually explain why we don't want a suit or tux. Or why I'm doing plated instead of buffet, or why is the venue so far removed...the list goes on.

Just in case you were looking for ideas, we gave my FIL, MIL, mom, dad, and grandparents a photo album with wedding photos that I made on Shutterfly. Each person above got a separate album as both of our parents are divorced (grandparents are together), so each album differed slightly in the photos highlighted.

While traditionally only the bride wears white, you still can't tell another guest how to dress. This is also tradition, not an etiquette faux pas. And if she does show up wearing something ridiculous it will only do that to her, people will not confused her for you .

As for the last point- I can understand this is frustrating to explain yourself, but since she is not paying, you don't have to. If the conversation is not productive, stop talking about your wedding with her. You can say things such as, "We have gotten that far yet with our planning" or "Thanks for the idea, we'll think about it ", both followed by "have you tried this bean dip?". If she is really pushing you, you can be direct and say, "FI and I have already made the decision, which is final, so I will not be discussing it further".

justkatnow

Thanks @SP29. So I assume you then you gave your gifts after the wedding.  That's a great idea. My MIL would love something like that. She loves pictures and still uses a regular old camera so she can develop all the film and have hard copies. 

I'll admit I'm a worrier of too many things (dress included! Lol) but I also want to show my gratitude the right way and in a timely fashion. And worry that I'm not doing something right. but truly love that idea. Thanks!!

ILoveBeachMusic

flantastic said:

justkatnow said:

As in regards to my step-mom, I've always thought, that traditionally only the bride wears white, including any form of off white, eggshell, etc. I'm happy for you @ILoveBeachMusic, glad you're day went off without a hitch I just want it differently at my wedding.

Problem is, even if you "want it differently," there's nothing at all you can rightfully do about it, except not invite your father and step-mom. So you have to just stop worrying about it. Most people are not enough of an attention whore to try to upstage the bride (hence the "tradition" you refer to), but regardless all your guests are entitled to choose their own attire.

If anyone looks like she's trying to be the bride, this is what will happen: Your other guests will think she's ridiculous and you are gracious, people will still realize you're the bride, and no other consequences will ensue, unless you create drama.

Just to be clear, my stepmother in no way was trying to look like the bride. She wore a knee length ivory dress and stayed very much in the background. I really appreciate the way she behaved during our engagement and wedding - not trying to take over for my Mom or anything. The divorce wasn't amicable.

justkatnow

@ILoveBeachMusic  I hope truly hope she behaves that way. My mom passed away 3 years ago and it's been a very rough road learning to live without her. I have a planned memorial table for her and my grandparents. Plus reserving the first seat on the brides side for her. Just because my mother is not there physically, I'd still like her presence felt. And do not want my step-mom thinking she is now the mother of the bride. 
 
Probably seems petty from the outside looking in. I just can't overlook the years of her passive aggressiveness over the past 2 decades because she can pretend like she's the mom of the bride. I won't disservice my mom like that. 

Boy am I off topic once again. I think I'm using this thread as therapy. sorry!

ILoveBeachMusic

justkatnow said:

@ILoveBeachMusic  I hope truly hope she behaves that way. My mom passed away 3 years ago and it's been a very rough road learning to live without her. I have a planned memorial table for her and my grandparents. Plus reserving the first seat on the brides side for her. Just because my mother is not there physically, I'd still like her presence felt. And do not want my step-mom thinking she is now the mother of the bride. 
 
Probably seems petty from the outside looking in. I just can't overlook the years of her passive aggressiveness over the past 2 decades because she can pretend like she's the mom of the bride. I won't disservice my mom like that. 

Boy am I off topic once again. I think I'm using this thread as therapy. sorry!

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 13 years ago and still miss her terribly. I was fortunate enough to have her around long enough to get to know her grandkids. You might want to rethink having the first seat reserved for her. When you see it as you walk down the aisle, it may make you sad and overwhelmed with emotion. You don't want to be sad on your wedding day. When my daughter was married she did pictures of all the parents and grandparents (not just the deceased ones) on their wedding days. She also had the grandparents who couldn't attend (either deceased or ill) remember during the prayers for the faithful. If you are having a religious ceremony, perhaps you could do that - just warn anyone in advance who might be sad about that. I didn't know and choked up when my Mom and Dad were mentioned.
Good luck with your planning and don't worry about using the boards as therapy.

MandyMost

justkatnow said:

@MandyMostwhat types of gifts did you give?

Different types for different people! We chose what we thought each person would want, and may actually use and/or appreciate. We did have a bit of a "personalized" theme going on, though. For a few of the younger guys they got bottle openers, or golf tools, depending on their interests, that had their initials on them. One set of parents got an engraved vase, my mother got a nice picture frame. My new sis-in-law got a throw blanket with her name embroidered on it. My bridesmaids got sweatshirts directed to their individual tastes and a cute local-themed wine-stopper. Oh, and because we got married in November everyone got a local-themed Christmas ornament that said thank you on the back.