Who Pays Guests/Parents?

acmers

We have been invited to my niece's engagement party.  She is marrying a Russian/Jew.  She is asking us to pay for our dinners at the engagement party.  She claims it's customary for Russian Jews to ask their guests to pay for their own meals.  It's not cheap.  She is asking for $134 per person.  Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

EvilSockLady

Ew ew ew
Decline to attend.

SP29

I am not familiar with this custom.... but as I am sure you are feeling, this is not customary for most of North America, and dare I say most of Europe, where the hosts pay for any hospitality offered.

This also sounds very extravagant for an engagement party- I don't know many people who have even had e- parties, and when they do, it's usually something more casual with a cocktail style party.

There really is not much you can do here in this situation except for decline the invitation.

Myself, I would decline. $134 per person (so double for my family- husband and I) is not a price I would feel comfortable paying for an e-party, even if it were my niece.

geebee908

Too rich for my blood. I'd decline.

JediElizabeth

I'm pretty sure that's not a thing...my FI & roommate (both Jewish, one with Russian heritage) were insulted just hearing that.

FI: "Ew! That's not a thing. I would be personally mortified to ask that!"

I'd decline. I'd also side eye like crazy, especially since they're relying on an (incorrect) anti-Semitic stereotype to justify their own tackiness. 

ernursej

Decline. I shudder at the idea of having to fork out that much for a dinner, let alone one that I'm not choosing.

acmers

Thanks ladies, I forgot to mention, my niece didn't send out invitations.  She sent a text message inviting us.

OurWildKingdom

Damn, I can spend $134 on a week of groceries for three people or buy cat and dog food for a month. 

Not just no, hell no!

MobKaz

acmers said:

We have been invited to my niece's engagement party.  She is marrying a Russian/Jew.  She is asking us to pay for our dinners at the engagement party.  She claims it's customary for Russian Jews to ask their guests to pay for their own meals.  It's not cheap.  She is asking for $134 per person.  Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

The fact that your niece is "hosting" her own engagement party is your first clue that she does not know much about etiquette, or simply does not care.  I wonder how her FI would feel that he is being thrown under the bus for her poor manners?

If this is the beginning of her etiquette blunders,  I cannot wait to hear how wedding invitations are extended!

Decline via text.  Make it simple and to the point.  $134 = no go.

Jen4948

I'm Jewish and I find this both untrue and insanely rude.  Don't assume that this is a Jewish custom-it isn't.

tigerlily6

Yeah . . . Nope. Not attending. Sorry.

MesmrEwe

Let's see - for $268 for the two of us..  Oh the things I can do - like attend her wedding as a guest, pay for a potential OOT basic hotel, and bring a gift.  Sorry, not going to attend an engagement party and spend that kind of money.  Just not! 

CMGragain

Hm...Target stores call their customers "guests", too.

ILoveBeachMusic

PPs have it covered. I hope she doesn't plan on charging for the reception too. This is the craziest think I have ever heard! DECLINE!

banana468

Nope.    

downtondiva

I have never, ever heard of this in Jewish, Russian, or any other culture. I think they're looking for an excuse to have an engagement party and not have to pay for any of it. Decline. There are far better ways to spend $134!

MobKaz

@acmers, you have piqued my curiosity.  Did this text "invitation" give you any details?  Did it inform you of the insanely expensive restaurant where this dinner will be held?  Was there any justification for this precise dollar amount? 

APDSS22

I would decline someone who is hosting their own inexcusably expensive engagement party and expecting the guests to pay.  No matter what their reasoning is, that's just an unnecessary, rude burden to place on one's guests.  

JediElizabeth

Ugh. I can't get over this one. Once you get through the original indignation over the Russian/Jewish traditions part, there are so many questions!

$105 PER PERSON + tax and tip? Or is it closer to $170 pp once you factor that in? Is it prix fixe? Does it include drinks? Will the prices be on the menu, or will the "guests" see the bill before handing over their cash?

Sounds like a wedding fund raiser to me. 

kmmssg

I would be they end up with an expensive evening for two because no one is going to go to that.

MobKaz

JediElizabeth said:

Ugh. I can't get over this one. Once you get through the original indignation over the Russian/Jewish traditions part, there are so many questions!

$105 PER PERSON + tax and tip? Or is it closer to $170 pp once you factor that in? Is it prix fixe? Does it include drinks? Will the prices be on the menu, or will the "guests" see the bill before handing over their cash?

Sounds like a wedding fund raiser to me. 

I'm even curious as to whether a specific restaurant was even mentioned.  It would not surprise me if this vague dollar amount is for a home party and this is the guests portion of paying for the food and drinks.  For all we know, she could be ordering pizza's and bottles of Cristal!

LD1970

I'm Jewish, of Polish, Russian, Austrian, and Romanian ancestry.  This isn't a thing.

debbeau

Can't wait to hear about the wedding plans as they come along.

kimmiinthemitten

I'm neither Russian nor Jewish but my first thought was "man, that's a really specific cultural appropriation."

thefanciestbeckler

Yeah that's like almost what I spend per pay period on groceries for 2 people. DH and I wouldn't be able to afford a dinner like that.

I'd decline.

acmers

Thanks ladies.  We finally convinced her mother to pick up the cost of her relatives.  It is a buffet dinner with some sort of entertainment, and drinks are being provided by the groom, who also doesn't have a clue.  Chalk this up to two very ignorant people, who don't realize the ramifications of asking the guests to pay.  We are hoping by the time of the wedding she will learn.

LondonLisa

By definition a "guest" cannot pay. You are a cohost.

photokitty

acmers said:

Thanks ladies.  We finally convinced her mother to pick up the cost of her relatives.  It is a buffet dinner with some sort of entertainment, and drinks are being provided by the groom, who also doesn't have a clue.  Chalk this up to two very ignorant people, who don't realize the ramifications of asking the guests to pay.  We are hoping by the time of the wedding she will learn.

I hope that means only family invited and not that friends still have to pay their own way. And what about the groom's relatives?

OurWildKingdom

acmers said:

Thanks ladies.  We finally convinced her mother to pick up the cost of her relatives.  It is a buffet dinner with some sort of entertainment, and drinks are being provided by the groom, who also doesn't have a clue.  Chalk this up to two very ignorant people, who don't realize the ramifications of asking the guests to pay.  We are hoping by the time of the wedding she will learn.

What's on the buffet? Kobe beef, oysters complete with pearls, and a mixed grill of endangered species?

OliveOilsMom

acmers said:

Thanks ladies.  We finally convinced her mother to pick up the cost of her relatives.  It is a buffet dinner with some sort of entertainment, and drinks are being provided by the groom, who also doesn't have a clue.  Chalk this up to two very ignorant people, who don't realize the ramifications of asking the guests to pay.  We are hoping by the time of the wedding she will learn.

When talking with the bride to be, tell her about this great place call "The Knot" and the community boards offer so much help with wedding planning!  We will straighten her out!

Jen4948

OurWildKingdom said:

acmers said:

Thanks ladies.  We finally convinced her mother to pick up the cost of her relatives.  It is a buffet dinner with some sort of entertainment, and drinks are being provided by the groom, who also doesn't have a clue.  Chalk this up to two very ignorant people, who don't realize the ramifications of asking the guests to pay.  We are hoping by the time of the wedding she will learn.

What's on the buffet? Kobe beef, oysters complete with pearls, and a mixed grill of endangered species?

If they're going by "Russian Jewish" custom, these are not kosher -- but neither is charging guests for their own hospitality, so it's possible.