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Etiquette

Sibling as a Plus One?

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Re: Sibling as a Plus One?

  • My FI travels a lot for work and has actually ended up being unable to attend weddings at the last minute. Even though we RSVP as yes for the both of us, I've always just called and let the hosts know that x came up and it would just be me attending. I've never wanted to substitute someone else. As a host, I wouldn't care, but I wouldn't want to put my host in that position by asking if I can bring someone else instead. I guess I have a double standard ...
    Jen4948
  • Normally I would agree that I don't care about substitutions.  I did have someone sub their niece for their husband... and that was fine!  But I can see caring if your guest decided to bring someone you really didn't like.  That would annoy me, but I'd probably just let it go.

    I did sub my then boyfriend (now husband) at my cousin's wedding.  She invited my mom and I on the same invitation (her first mistake) and didn't invite my boyfriend (second mistake).  Mom couldn't go, so I subbed in my boyfriend.  I guess that was wrong of me, but I figured it didn't matter since it was the same amount of meals, and he should've been invited anyway.

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    InLoveInQueens
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Can I have a cupcake and margarita? I didn't care if there was a substitute. I also let 2 couples bring their kids when they asked if they could attend.

    I've even been a substitute, my brother didn't want to travel (4 hour drive each way) alone and asked if he could bring me instead of his girlfriend. The friend was happy I could come. Over of the best weddings I ever attended.

    So not everyone cares, even if it's not technically polite to ask. The hosts can always say no.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I gave up sweets for lent.  You guys are KILLING ME with all the cupcake talk.  

    I CAN'T CHILL WITH A CUPCAKE YET!


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    OurWildKingdomSP29OliveOilsMom
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Do you use the Sunday loophole, @monkeysip?
    tigerlily6
  • Do you use the Sunday loophole, @monkeysip?
    Totally.

    But tomorrow I'm making smores dip.  I already bought the ingredients.  Maybe I'll get a cupcake next sunday.

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    holyguacamole79tigerlily6
  • Most of our guests don't know each other so anyone who wants to substitute so they aren't sitting alone at the reception is free to do so.


    Cupcake me.....and snickerdoodle.

    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875PrettyGirlLostPinksatin91016
  • @monkeysip what is this smores dip you speak of? 
                 
    AddieCakeOurWildKingdom
  • @monkeysip what is this smores dip you speak of? 
    Melt some chocolate pieces in an oven safe pan/dish, put big marshmallows on top, and broil it in the oven a couple minutes.  Then dip your graham crackers in the melty, toasty goodness.

    I haven't tried it yet, actually, but it sounds delicious.

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    OurWildKingdomglasgowtolondonHeffalump
  • monkeysip said:
    @monkeysip what is this smores dip you speak of? 
    Melt some chocolate pieces in an oven safe pan/dish, put big marshmallows on top, and broil it in the oven a couple minutes.  Then dip your graham crackers in the melty, toasty goodness.

    I haven't tried it yet, actually, but it sounds delicious.

                 
    monkeysipsoftkittywarmkitty
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Can we get a margarita cupcake instead?!  There's a bakery here that makes them and they are Devine!

    I was a substitute when my BIL couldn't travel home for a wedding wth my sister.  Ironically, years before that that same bride substituted her then bf for a local, mutual friend for my sisters wedding as well. Another vote in the 'don't care' category. 

    And if if this was a friend you knew well enough to invite, wouldn't they know you disliked Person A and wouldn't substitute them in?  It just seems silly to worry about someone you know that may intentionally bring someone you dislike. Hell, I dislike a friends fiancé, and I'm attending their wedding and they're attending mine so I guess it really doesn't matter haha. 

    image
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • edited March 2016
    SP29 said:
    I brought my mom to a wedding even when I had a boyfriend once. It caused me to travel to my hometown and I thought it would be more fun for my mom and I to do that than for my then-boyfriend. Plus it was a childhood friend and she knew the family while my boyfriend absolutely did not. It was a good call to make.
    Someone oopsed here.
    If your boyfriend was invited by name you shouldn't have subbed your mom (invites aren't transferable).
    And if he wasn't invited by name and just an "and guest" then the hosts were rude.
    Curious here.

    OK, so we know SOs should always be invited by name. We know invites are non-transferable. We also know it is rude for guests to invite someone/ add someone to the RSVP of their own choosing.

    But if the B&G are going to give all of their truly single guests a plus one (and of course they may choose not to, in which case this questions is moot), in which case guest can bring their mom. In the case of a guest invited with SO who cannot attend, is there ever an appropriate situation where guest asks "can I bring my mom instead of my bf?".


    To satisfy curiosity ;) : In this case I was given a plus one but my boyfriend was not invited by name. Both the bride and I live in other states than the one we grew up in so I think she had met my then-BF once but we weren't engaged (and he is not my FI) and he also was not clearly invited by name. I was actually extremely thankful my mom was there because this wedding made me super depressed because I realized we have grown apart so much and I didn't know anyone there except my mom, the bride, and the bride's immediate family. It just showed me I knew really nothing about this friend's life anymore and we used to be best friends and really close through middle school and high school and kept in touch in college. I feel like my mom was more of a comfort when I realized this and was heartbroken than my ex would have been.
    Side note: for this reason I'm not inviting this childhood friend (or any childhood friends) to my wedding. They were important in my life at one time but we've all grown and are in different places where we don't fit into each other lives. A little sad but mostly realistic. I'm only inviting family and like 5 of my closest friends from right now

    Eta: I think the obvious thing to do (which I probably did but can't remember since it was 5+ years ago) was ask the host if it was ok if I brought my mom as my guest. I also don't know how this got to be about cupcakes and margaritas. Also I think in any case it's fine to ask the host any questions you need to ask. How would that ever be rude?
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  • Eta: I think the obvious thing to do (which I probably did but can't remember since it was 5+ years ago) was ask the host if it was ok if I brought my mom as my guest. I also don't know how this got to be about cupcakes and margaritas. Also I think in any case it's fine to ask the host any questions you need to ask. How would that ever be rude?
    Nope, if she just put "and guest" then you in no way needed to ask her if it was ok to bring your mom. A generic "and guest" means pretty much any guest you want. So you did nothing wrong there. :)
    InLoveInQueens
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    SP29 said:
    I brought my mom to a wedding even when I had a boyfriend once. It caused me to travel to my hometown and I thought it would be more fun for my mom and I to do that than for my then-boyfriend. Plus it was a childhood friend and she knew the family while my boyfriend absolutely did not. It was a good call to make.
    Someone oopsed here.
    If your boyfriend was invited by name you shouldn't have subbed your mom (invites aren't transferable).
    And if he wasn't invited by name and just an "and guest" then the hosts were rude.
    Curious here.

    OK, so we know SOs should always be invited by name. We know invites are non-transferable. We also know it is rude for guests to invite someone/ add someone to the RSVP of their own choosing.

    But if the B&G are going to give all of their truly single guests a plus one (and of course they may choose not to, in which case this questions is moot), in which case guest can bring their mom. In the case of a guest invited with SO who cannot attend, is there ever an appropriate situation where guest asks "can I bring my mom instead of my bf?".



    Eta: I think the obvious thing to do (which I probably did but can't remember since it was 5+ years ago) was ask the host if it was ok if I brought my mom as my guest. I also don't know how this got to be about cupcakes and margaritas. Also I think in any case it's fine to ask the host any questions you need to ask. How would that ever be rude?
    If the invitation was given as "and guest", then no, you would never need to ask. My question was more about if someone is invited with their SO and their SO is unable or doesn't want to come. Technically, invites are non-transferable, and a guest shouldn't try to add on to the hosts guest list, so I was wondering if it's ever appropriate to ask the hosts to bring someone else instead.

    I figure if the hosts really don't want to accommodate another guest (for example, if one guest declines, that is some money saved for the hosts), they can always respond with, "Sorry, Sally, the invite is only for you and Bob".
  • scribe95 said:
    I was invited once to a wedding where I knew like four people - all in the wedding party. My SO - who was named on the invite - was out of town that weekend so I called and asked if I could bring a friend since otherwise I would pretty much be alone the whole night.

    They said sure, no problem.

    So I guess I broke some sort of ridiculous etiquette rule when I asked? The other option was just to decline to attend. I don't think a host would want that if they indeed want the people they invite to actually come. 

    I think the other option is to attend alone.  I don't think it is a ridiculous rule at all. I'm surprised people are so in favor of it here. We are always telling brides, for example, that the way to let people know that children are not invited is by not writing their names on the invitation. We also say that single people know whether or not they can bring a friend by whether it says "and guest" on the invite. SO's and spouses are invited as a rule because you can't split up a social unit, not because everybody gets to bring a friend. 

    I I think it is exactly as rude for a single guest invited without a plus one to ask if they can bring a guest as for a coupled person to ask to make a substitution. Which is to say, not terribly rude in the scheme of things, but also not at all an indication that they'd rather you not come if they don't let you bring a buddy. 

    Asking to to invite uninvited people, no matter the circumstances, is entitled behavior. Most of the time I think it probably works out just fine, but that doesn't mean it should be encouraged. 
    SP29
  • scribe95 said:
    If the point of etiquette is to treat your guests well I don't see at all how this is a problem. 

    Treating your guests well requires inviting their significant others, not giving them all a buddy. Just like etiquette requires treating your guests well by serving them appropriate refreshments for the time of day, but doesn't require alcohol. 

    Who knows why it might be a problem? Maybe they didn't give single guests a plus one and are concerned about looking unfair if they let coupled people bring whomever. Maybe they'd prefer to only have people they know there, and are doing the right thing by inviting SOs but really would rather not have your cousin tagging along. Maybe they'd just really like to save the cost of a meal on your college friend who happens to be around. Your SO being unavailable doesn't entitle you to change their guest list. 
    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    If the point of etiquette is to treat your guests well I don't see at all how this is a problem. 
    Add in the fact that if you are invited to someone's wedding then you most likely know them well enough to feel comfortable asking them a question.  Of course this isn't always true, but typically you are being invited because you are a friend or relative so asking "hey my H can't make it so I was wondering if I could bring my friend instead" is sort of a normal friend/relative thing one would ask.  It isn't like you got invited to a state dinner at the White House and want to bring a substitute guest.

    [Deleted User]charlotte989875wink0erinAddieCake
  • edited March 2016
    scribe95 said:
    If the point of etiquette is to treat your guests well I don't see at all how this is a problem. 
    You can treat a guest well without letting them bring their own entourage.

    If it's ok to invite truly single guests without a +1 then it's ok to not accommodate random subs for a SO. A guest is entitled to have their SO invited but that's it.

    A host should be happy to host one's SO. But just because the host had already allocated money for that plate, it doesn't mean that they should then feel 100% the same about hosting a random.

    One plate at our wedding cost the equivalent of our natural gas or cell phone bill for a month. While it was a given we would want to spend that to honor our guests' relationships, it was not a given that we'd want to spend that money on an uninvited guest.

    Now, if a friend said to me, "Got your wedding invite! Turns out DH can't attend but I'll let you know if I can soon," then I would likely offer them the option to bring whomever. Whereas someone straight asking for it (especially if they are in town and know other guests) I find irksome. Because it's asking the host to spend their money and share their wedding with someone not invited. It seems presumptuous.
    I tend to agree with this. We're inviting 80 people (is that a medium sized wedding?), and very carefully saving to pay for a Saturday dinner and drinks. If there are declines, or parents who end up leaving their children at home, bet your butt that we'll use that $$ towards an extra beer option, or cheese platter (CHEESE FOR DAYS), or to cover some unexpected expense.

    All guests are what I'd consider "safety net" people. Immediate family, close and long-time friends, aunts/uncles. If someone asked for a substitute, I wouldn't be offended, but honestly I'd probably feel a little... confused. 

    In our case, everyone will know lots of other people there, even if their SO is unable to attend.
  • Like some of you, I'm a little torn on this.  It's definitely rude for a guest to just substitute without saying anything to the host.  But is it rude to ask the host ahead of time?  Technically, I guess it is.  However, I also see where it could be situational.

    For example, if someone is OOT and their SO can't make it.  As a hostess, I would definitely want them to ask me if it is okay to sub someone else if they don't want to travel alone.  Or, in the original case on this post, where the person subbed is the mom who also knows the couple.

    I, a little bit, had this happen at my own wedding.  One of my guests wouldn't have known anyone, except myself and my H.  She was single leading up to the wedding and I'd told her verbally ahead of time that she could bring a plus one.  Shortly before the invites went out, she started dating someone.  But she said she was unsure if she wanted to take him to my wedding, because things were so new.

    I guess it technically wasn't the "proper" thing to address her invite to her and "guest", but that is what I did so she could feel free to bring whomever she wished. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Jen4948 said:
    AddieCake said:
    I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.
    I disagree.  If I invited Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I didn't invite Mrs. John Smith and her mother.  Sorry, but the number of people invited not changing doesn't mean that Mrs. John Smith can bring anyone else besides Mr. John Smith, because only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited, and it's pretty presumptuous to ask "Who cares?" Obviously, the hosts do.  If they wanted to invite the mother of Mrs. John Smith, she would have been invited as a guest in her own right. Invitations for SOs are not transferable to other guests just because it doesn't change the head count.
    I was going to disagree with your post but then I thought about it a little bit more.  If I invite Mr. and Mrs. Dick Smith and Dick decided to bring his mistress I would probably be annoyed lol.  But if I say Dick Smith + 1, well then I can't get mad at who Dick brings.  At long as Dick doesn't bring another "Dick", then it's all good! At the end of the "day" though, I'll probably be too focused on having fun than who the Dicks at the party brought as a guest.
  • I think @short+sassy brings up a good point.  If you're not giving single guests plus ones, then you shouldn't allow substitutions.  

    But we gave all of our guests plus ones.  If someone's SO wasn't able to come, I would want them to bring someone else if they wanted.  Everyone's SO was able to make it,so it didn't come up for us.  I wonder if there'd be a way to let couples know that substitutions are ok.  Because I could see it being off-putting to ask the host that, since if the answer is no, there's pressure to say yes.
    SP29
  • delena76 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    AddieCake said:
    I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.
    I disagree.  If I invited Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I didn't invite Mrs. John Smith and her mother.  Sorry, but the number of people invited not changing doesn't mean that Mrs. John Smith can bring anyone else besides Mr. John Smith, because only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited, and it's pretty presumptuous to ask "Who cares?" Obviously, the hosts do.  If they wanted to invite the mother of Mrs. John Smith, she would have been invited as a guest in her own right. Invitations for SOs are not transferable to other guests just because it doesn't change the head count.
    I was going to disagree with your post but then I thought about it a little bit more.  If I invite Mr. and Mrs. Dick Smith and Dick decided to bring his mistress I would probably be annoyed lol.  But if I say Dick Smith + 1, well then I can't get mad at who Dick brings.  At long as Dick doesn't bring another "Dick", then it's all good! At the end of the "day" though, I'll probably be too focused on having fun than who the Dicks at the party brought as a guest.
    Asking because it's unclear: would you be ok if he brought a guy friend? That is, are you just against him bringing a jerk, or do you think that if you invite a heterosexual couple, the two who come should be a man and a woman?

    Sorry if I'm just reading too much into the joke!
    madamerwinOliveOilsMomSP29
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