Sibling as a Plus One?

crowsgirl15

This came up in conversation with a group of friends, and I haven't been able to find a consistent answer anywhere!

A friend of mine was given a plus one to a wedding where she would not know any of the other guests aside from the bride and groom. She is not dating, and would like to bring her brother as her wedding "date". However, she wasn't sure whether it was frowned upon etiquette-wise to bring a sibling as your plus one.

I couldn't see why it would be a problem, but others weren't so sure. I thought I'd bring it to you fine, etiquette experts. Would it be a faux-pas for her to bring her brother to this wedding?

ILoveBeachMusic

A true plus one is someone that guest chooses without being directed by the hosts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your friend bringing her brother.

STARMOON44

Perfectly fine. A plus one or "and guest" means you can bring whoever you would like. 

AddieCake

Who cares who she brings? She was given the option to bring someone. If she wants to bring a sibling, a neighbor, her mom, a guy she picks up in the bar the week before, the mail carrier.....it doesn't matter.

crowsgirl15

Cool, that's 100% what I thought, always glad to be proven right One of them pulled up an article online that said it was an etiquette faux pas to have a "non romantic wedding date"...which sounded wrong to me, lol, and tough to verify.

holyguacamole79

I brought my sister as a +1 to a wedding once.   Totally cool. 

Jen4948

It's entirely up to the guest whom they bring as a plus-one. If they want to bring a sibling, that's cool.

Pinksatin91016

I brought my mom to a wedding even when I had a boyfriend once. It caused me to travel to my hometown and I thought it would be more fun for my mom and I to do that than for my then-boyfriend. Plus it was a childhood friend and she knew the family while my boyfriend absolutely did not. It was a good call to make.

SP29

crowsgirl15 said:

Cool, that's 100% what I thought, always glad to be proven right One of them pulled up an article online that said it was an etiquette faux pas to have a "non romantic wedding date"...which sounded wrong to me, lol, and tough to verify.

I feel like there is a fair bit of information that floats around pretending to be etiquette or an etiquette faux pas, when it is actually something that has become tradition, or just random advice someone made up.

What I've picked up most from these boards is that etiquette is about treating your guests equally and etiquette rules are not rules for the sake of it, they are designed with the intent of not hurting/offending another person. Thus, having a cash bar is rude to your guests because you are asking them to foot part of the bill for your party, where as a guest bringing their sibling as their date does not affect anyone in any way what-so-ever, therefore, not rude, always acceptable.

EvilSockLady

Pinksatin91016 said:

I brought my mom to a wedding even when I had a boyfriend once. It caused me to travel to my hometown and I thought it would be more fun for my mom and I to do that than for my then-boyfriend. Plus it was a childhood friend and she knew the family while my boyfriend absolutely did not. It was a good call to make.

Someone oopsed here.
If your boyfriend was invited by name you shouldn't have subbed your mom (invites aren't transferable).
And if he wasn't invited by name and just an "and guest" then the hosts were rude.

SP29

EvilSockLady said:

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Pinksatin91016 said:

I brought my mom to a wedding even when I had a boyfriend once. It caused me to travel to my hometown and I thought it would be more fun for my mom and I to do that than for my then-boyfriend. Plus it was a childhood friend and she knew the family while my boyfriend absolutely did not. It was a good call to make.

Someone oopsed here.
If your boyfriend was invited by name you shouldn't have subbed your mom (invites aren't transferable).
And if he wasn't invited by name and just an "and guest" then the hosts were rude.

Curious here.

OK, so we know SOs should always be invited by name. We know invites are non-transferable. We also know it is rude for guests to invite someone/ add someone to the RSVP of their own choosing.

But if the B&G are going to give all of their truly single guests a plus one (and of course they may choose not to, in which case this questions is moot), in which case guest can bring their mom. In the case of a guest invited with SO who cannot attend, is there ever an appropriate situation where guest asks "can I bring my mom instead of my bf?".

AddieCake

I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.

EvilSockLady

I don't know... I think it sort of depends.
Well, it's a given that if you don't at least ask the couple and just assume you can sub someone, that that's rude.

If you ask... I still think it's shady. Because essentially it really is your asking the couple if you can bring an uninvited guest to their wedding. It also can put the hosts on the spot because they might feel like jerks for saying no so they'll likely say yes even if they don't want to. But I might still do it myself if I weren't going to know anyone else at the wedding or if I had to travel for it.

A time where I think it would be to ask is if a couple RSVPs yes and then close to the wedding one can't go anymore. If the guest tells the couple "Hey, SO can't go anymore. I can still attend myself. I have a friend who is willing to come with me if your headcounts are finalized, but I can happily attend by myself. Which would you prefer?" Maybe still a bit on-the-spotty but could potentially doing couple a favor as paying for meals that go to waste is a bummer.

From a host's perspective...
This did happen to me at my wedding. I said sure because I didn't want to be a jerk. But this guest lived in town and had lots of other people at the wedding that she knew / was friends with. So the petty part of me was annoyed at paying $100 to feed some girl I'd never met (and never saw again) even though my friend would probably still have had a good time solo.
This is why I would never ask for a sub unless the alternative to my bringing one would be declining the invite (I'm not a social butterfly so I wouldn't attend a wedding where I knew no one).

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.

I disagree.  If I invited Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I didn't invite Mrs. John Smith and her mother.  Sorry, but the number of people invited not changing doesn't mean that Mrs. John Smith can bring anyone else besides Mr. John Smith, because only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited, and it's pretty presumptuous to ask "Who cares?" Obviously, the hosts do.  If they wanted to invite the mother of Mrs. John Smith, she would have been invited as a guest in her own right. Invitations for SOs are not transferable to other guests just because it doesn't change the head count.

AddieCake

Jen4948 said:

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AddieCake said:

I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.

I disagree.  If I invited Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I didn't invite Mrs. John Smith and her mother.  Sorry, but the number of people invited not changing doesn't mean that Mrs. John Smith can bring anyone else besides Mr. John Smith, because only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited, and it's pretty presumptuous to ask "Who cares?" Obviously, the hosts do.  If they wanted to invite the mother of Mrs. John Smith, she would have been invited as a guest in her own right. Invitations for SOs are not transferable to other guests just because it doesn't change the head count.

No, it's not "obvious" the hosts care. Not all hosts care, as evidenced that I, as a host, would not, and did not when it happened at my wedding. Some people, like me, are fine with substitutions. Others are not fine with it. 

The point is that in the grand scheme of things, this really shouldn't be something to get upset over.

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

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Jen4948 said:

AddieCake said:

I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.

I disagree.  If I invited Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I didn't invite Mrs. John Smith and her mother.  Sorry, but the number of people invited not changing doesn't mean that Mrs. John Smith can bring anyone else besides Mr. John Smith, because only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited, and it's pretty presumptuous to ask "Who cares?" Obviously, the hosts do.  If they wanted to invite the mother of Mrs. John Smith, she would have been invited as a guest in her own right. Invitations for SOs are not transferable to other guests just because it doesn't change the head count.

No, it's not "obvious" the hosts care. Not all hosts care, as evidenced that I, as a host, would not, and did not when it happened at my wedding. Some people, like me, are fine with substitutions. Others are not fine with it. 

Sorry, but whether or not you as a host cares, it is not appropriate to assume that no other hosts care.

The rule of etiquette is that regardless of whether or not the host cares, invitations are not transferable-whether or not they are for non-attending SOs.

AddieCake

I realize that. It's also not appropriate for you to say "obviously the host cares." No, it isn't obvious when, again, NOT ALL HOSTS CARE.

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

I realize that. It's also not appropriate for you to say "obviously the host cares." No, it isn't obvious when, again, NOT ALL HOSTS CARE.

Addie, this is getting into splitting unnecessary hairs and ratcheting up unnecessary heat.  Whether or not it's "obvious" that hosts care makes not one iota of difference regarding the etiquette-that it's rude to assume invitations are transferable.

AddieCake

And this is one of those things where, despite the etiquette of something, some things do not bother some people. I am not bothered if someone asks me if they can substitute. And it's my opinion that anyone who is bothered by it is being silly and caring about something small and relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And, as always, I suggest they get a cupcake and a margarita and chill. 

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

And this is one of those things where, despite the etiquette of something, some things do not bother some people. I am not bothered if someone asks me if they can substitute. And it's my opinion that anyone who is bothered by it is being silly and caring about something small and relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And, as always, I suggest they get a cupcake and a margarita and chill. 

You sip your margarita, eat your cupcake, and chill out.  Me, I'm not going to spend my time trying to come up with a more expensive vegan, allergy-free meal for Mrs. John Smith's mother when Mr. John Smith was happy eating the regular meal we already ordered for him.

Substituting guests can make major changes to the budget, the dynamics, and other arrangements, sometimes at the last minute, and that's why etiquette prohibits it to begin with.  If hosts are okay with that it's one thing, but guests should not take it for granted that it's reasonable for them to just do it.  That's where the lines of etiquette and "okayness" get crossed.

AddieCake

Jen4948 said:

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AddieCake said:

And this is one of those things where, despite the etiquette of something, some things do not bother some people. I am not bothered if someone asks me if they can substitute. And it's my opinion that anyone who is bothered by it is being silly and caring about something small and relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And, as always, I suggest they get a cupcake and a margarita and chill. 

You sip your margarita, eat your cupcake, and chill out.  Me, I'm not going to spend my time trying to come up with a more expensive vegan, allergy-free meal for Mrs. John Smith's mother when Mr. John Smith was happy eating the regular meal we already ordered for him.

Good for you. Leaves you more time for that margarita and cupcake.

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

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Jen4948 said:

AddieCake said:

And this is one of those things where, despite the etiquette of something, some things do not bother some people. I am not bothered if someone asks me if they can substitute. And it's my opinion that anyone who is bothered by it is being silly and caring about something small and relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And, as always, I suggest they get a cupcake and a margarita and chill. 

You sip your margarita, eat your cupcake, and chill out.  Me, I'm not going to spend my time trying to come up with a more expensive vegan, allergy-free meal for Mrs. John Smith's mother when Mr. John Smith was happy eating the regular meal we already ordered for him.

Good for you. Leaves you more time for that margarita and cupcake.

Go back and read the post, and enjoy your margarita and cupcake.  Have some more while you're at it.

lyndausvi

AddieCake said:

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Jen4948 said:

AddieCake said:

I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.

I disagree.  If I invited Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I didn't invite Mrs. John Smith and her mother.  Sorry, but the number of people invited not changing doesn't mean that Mrs. John Smith can bring anyone else besides Mr. John Smith, because only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited, and it's pretty presumptuous to ask "Who cares?" Obviously, the hosts do.  If they wanted to invite the mother of Mrs. John Smith, she would have been invited as a guest in her own right. Invitations for SOs are not transferable to other guests just because it doesn't change the head count.

No, it's not "obvious" the hosts care. Not all hosts care, as evidenced that I, as a host, would not, and did not when it happened at my wedding. Some people, like me, are fine with substitutions. Others are not fine with it. 

The point is that in the grand scheme of things, this really shouldn't be something to get upset over.

I'm a host who didn't care who the plus one was, nor if someone brought a substitute.            

My SIL brought her BF (best friend).  BIL (her sister) brought SIL's other good friend.  I seriously didn't care.  Another married guest brought a friend because her spouse couldn't make the wedding.

Jen4948

lyndausvi said:

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AddieCake said:

Jen4948 said:

AddieCake said:

I have no objection to someone asking if they can bring a substitute guest. Who cares? I invited 2 people, and 2 people show. I don't care that it's your mom instead of your boyfriend unless I have beef with your mom for some reason.

I disagree.  If I invited Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, I didn't invite Mrs. John Smith and her mother.  Sorry, but the number of people invited not changing doesn't mean that Mrs. John Smith can bring anyone else besides Mr. John Smith, because only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith were invited, and it's pretty presumptuous to ask "Who cares?" Obviously, the hosts do.  If they wanted to invite the mother of Mrs. John Smith, she would have been invited as a guest in her own right. Invitations for SOs are not transferable to other guests just because it doesn't change the head count.

No, it's not "obvious" the hosts care. Not all hosts care, as evidenced that I, as a host, would not, and did not when it happened at my wedding. Some people, like me, are fine with substitutions. Others are not fine with it. 

The point is that in the grand scheme of things, this really shouldn't be something to get upset over.

I'm a host who didn't care who the plus one was, nor if someone brought a substitute.            

My SIL brought her BF.  BIL (her sister) brought SIL's other good friend.  I seriously didn't care.  Another married guest brought a friend because her spouse couldn't make the wedding.

I think it's situational.  If the change of guests means that all of a sudden, at the last minute, the hosts are being charged more for accommodations for the new guests that they didn't invite than they were for the old ones that they did, it's problematic.  And it's obviously problematic when all of a sudden they are being asked to accommodate people they have bad blood with, and didn't invite, as the "plus ones" of people who were previously invited with their own SOs.  If those things aren't happening, then it doesn't matter, but being "okay" with substitutions can mean having to deal with last-minute problems.

Hosts don't have to care about those things, but if they do, their wishes should be respected, and no substitutions made.

holyguacamole79

Another vote for IDGAF as a host. 

AddieCake

I don't need to go back and read the post. I read it and commented as I saw fit.  I'm fairly certain you misunderstood my last comment toward you, however, since you think I'm the one who needs to read again.

charlotte989875

Yah I also didn't care about substitutions at my wedding. Even if it would require a different meal or accommodations I would want my guest to be happy so if that meant bringing a friend or sister instead of a date I wouldn't care. 

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

I don't need to go back and read the post. I read it and commented as I saw fit.  I'm fairly certain you misunderstood my last comment toward you, however, since you think I'm the one who needs to read again.

Then you missed important changes.  Go have some more cupcakes and margaritas.

OurWildKingdom

AddieCake said:

And this is one of those things where, despite the etiquette of something, some things do not bother some people. I am not bothered if someone asks me if they can substitute. And it's my opinion that anyone who is bothered by it is being silly and caring about something small and relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And, as always, I suggest they get a cupcake and a margarita and chill. 

Damn you, @AddieCake! Now I want cupcakes. (No margaritas for me, I'm sober.)

AddieCake

@OurWildKingdom I do, too. Always. Unfortunately, I'm having to make do with some Snickerdoodles. 

Jen4948

Some really good cupcake recipes out there...