Flower girls and family relationships

lizardbit27

So FI and I were chatting and I told him that I've been thinking more and more about not having my nieces in our wedding as flower girls. So they would just be invited as guests and that's it. He agreed that it really isn't necessary and that if we do include them they would both have to be designated as the same thing or else there would be fighting (one will be 5, the other almost 9 at the time we get married). The other reasoning for not including would be that my brother and SIL aren't made of money, and while we wouldn't expect them to spend a ton on the dresses for the girls - there was a bit of a shit fit thrown this year for Christmas as we tried to organize a $50 cap secret santa among the adults as that was apparently something they couldn't afford.

The issue with doing this is that we can see some members of my side of the family getting upset over not including the girls. So I guess my question is do we include the girls (well ask if they wish to be included when it's closer to the date - we are a year and half out) and risk issues that come with trying to organize, set up appointments, financial issues etc, or do we not include them and risk even more relationship issues with my family?

STARMOON44

Personally, I'd include my nieces and buy their dresses myself if finances were an issue, because I love them and would want them there. Nothing to organize, no appointments to set up, just take them to a department store and out to lunch with Auntie one day. 

Its entirely up to you, but it's sad to me that none of your thoughts are about your relationship with the little girls. 

Jen4948

Don't include them if you really don't want them just because relatives will be "upset" or throw "shit fits." As you note, it's asking a lot from them and their parents.  Only ask them to be flower girls if you really want them -- not to protect relationships with people who should be mature adults and not overgrown children.

holyguacamole79

lizardbit27 said:

So FI and I were chatting and I told him that I've been thinking more and more about not having my nieces in our wedding as flower girls. So they would just be invited as guests and that's it. He agreed that it really isn't necessary and that if we do include them they would both have to be designated as the same thing or else there would be fighting (one will be 5, the other almost 9 at the time we get married). The other reasoning for not including would be that my brother and SIL aren't made of money, and while we wouldn't expect them to spend a ton on the dresses for the girls - there was a bit of a shit fit thrown this year for Christmas as we tried to organize a $50 cap secret santa among the adults as that was apparently something they couldn't afford.

The issue with doing this is that we can see some members of my side of the family getting upset over not including the girls. So I guess my question is do we include the girls (well ask if they wish to be included when it's closer to the date - we are a year and half out) and risk issues that come with trying to organize, set up appointments, financial issues etc, or do we not include them and risk even more relationship issues with my family?

I had 2 flower girls, and I didn't have any appointments with either of them.  I just told their moms to choose an ivory dress.  The dresses didn't have to match and I didn't even care that they weren't the same shade ivory.  I think my SIL on my H's side (her daughter was a flower girl) spent $40 on the dress + shoes.  The SIL on my side (her daughter was a flower girl) didn't spend anything.  My brother & SIL got married 3 months before we did, so she wore her dress from that wedding.

I say ask the parents first - don't mention costs or appointments.  Just say, "We would love for Jane and Susie to be flower girls and wanted to check with you before asking them."

lizardbit27

STARMOON44 said:

Personally, I'd include my nieces and buy their dresses myself if finances were an issue, because I love them and would want them there. Nothing to organize, no appointments to set up, just take them to a department store and out to lunch with Auntie one day. 

Its entirely up to you, but it's sad to me that none of your thoughts are about your relationship with the little girls. 

Ugh Boxes....
Anyways, regarding my relationship with my nieces. I may not have commented on that but it doesn't mean I don't have thoughts about it. I have many thoughts, thoughts that I could fill pages and pages upon regarding my family dynamic, but I didn't comment on it as it is not pertinent to the issue. The girls are less likely to hold grudges or animosity for not being included. Thus that is not a worry for me. The oldest one has asked once about us getting married, so it's not like there is a great interest in it coming from them. 

OliveOilsMom

lizardbit27 said:

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STARMOON44 said:

Personally, I'd include my nieces and buy their dresses myself if finances were an issue, because I love them and would want them there. Nothing to organize, no appointments to set up, just take them to a department store and out to lunch with Auntie one day. 

Its entirely up to you, but it's sad to me that none of your thoughts are about your relationship with the little girls. 

Ugh Boxes....
Anyways, regarding my relationship with my nieces. I may not have commented on that but it doesn't mean I don't have thoughts about it. I have many thoughts, thoughts that I could fill pages and pages upon regarding my family dynamic, but I didn't comment on it as it is not pertinent to the issue. The girls are less likely to hold grudges or animosity for not being included. Thus that is not a worry for me. The oldest one has asked once about us getting married, so it's not like there is a great interest in it coming from them. 

I think you might have missed Starmoon's point.  It's not about if your nieces will hold grudges but more about if YOU want your nieces in your wedding, without thinking about family drama that may occur if you do or do not ask them. 

For me, I love my niece (I have a 2nd one now!) and nephews so much that I couldn't imagine not having them present at my wedding and in the WP. 

So without thinking about any fallout that may or may not occur, answer this question, do you want your nieces in your wedding?  If its a yes, make it as easy as possible to get them dresses.  Easter and Christmas dresses can be bought cheaply after the holiday.  Give your sibling and/or their spouse a neutral color that goes with your wedding colors and have them buy any dress in that color.  They don't have to spend big money for official flower girl dresses from a bridal salon.  Or ask Starmoon suggested, you can purchase their dresses for them during a fun niece and Aunt afternoon.  But always ask the parents privately about having the kids in the wedding first.

MandyMost

If you want them as flower girls there is no reason it has to cost any more money than it would cost for them to attend the wedding. And you can make this clear when you ask their parents, especially if your family is used to crazy bridezillas who think it requires lots of money and appointments to be a part of a wedding party! All it means to be a flower girl is that they will walk down the aisle with flowers, right? And be in some pictures that the otherwise may not be in. 

If you are set on either having matching flower girls or nothing, then I'd offer to buy the dresses and any necessary accessories for them, when you ask. 

But you don't need to ask. I love my niece to death, but I didn't want any kids at my wedding. Including my niece and nephews. So she wasn't a flower girl. No big deal. (OK, actually it was a big deal to her mother, who created drama for months before the wedding about all kinds of things, but I didn't care). 


Your decision to include them as part of your wedding party or not has NOTHING to do with how much you care for them as your nieces.