Big Wedding, Elope, or Both?

JaneWho451

My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.

[Deleted User]

JaneWho451 said:

My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.

You can only get married once.  So you can't do both.

I totally get the conundrum though as I'm dealing with it myself.  I'd love to throw a big party and have everyone I love in one place at once.  But I don't really want to spend the money to "do it up" how I want.  I could elope and have a party later, but my overseas or across the country family members are not going to fly all the way here for "just" a party.  They'd come for a wedding, to actually SEE me get married, but not for a party celebrating something that already happened.  Sometimes I just think it would be easiest to just go on vacation and get married while we're there.  But my mom would really like to see my wedding.  If we invite my parents, we have to invite his.  If we're having any people at all there, we might as well invite our siblings as we only have one each.  If we're inviting these family members, what about friends who are As Close As family or my cousins who are practically my brothers?  So round and round I go.

I guess you should do the first two steps in wedding planning... Determine a budget, select a guest list.  If you're cheap like me, maybe you can still have everyone there but a mid day event which is cheaper, or even a non-mealtime event.  Then you can have the tropical beach quiet time afterwards on a honeymoon.  Let me know how you make the decision.  I'm curious as to how others decide.

JediElizabeth

JaneWho451 said:

My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.

What about a private, romantic moment of affirmation between of the two of you before a bigger ceremony? Or, in the case of my fiance and myself, we're scheduling about 15-20 minutes of alone time right after the ceremony (during cocktail hour) to just be together and take it in together - a "Yichud" in his Jewish tradition. Can you schedule something like that?

Some of the ladies on these boards have done something like this and may be able to tell you more about it.

SP29

While you can have a celebration of marriage party at a later date, you cannot re-enact your vows, or other aspects of your wedding. As said above, you get one wedding.

Ultimately you have to decide what is more important- having your family and friends there or not. That is what DH and I decided- he suggested eloping, but ultimately we wanted our loved ones with us.

There are many ways you could make the wedding more budget friendly, such as a brunch or lunch reception.

The basic requirement for inviting guests to your ceremony is that you host them afterwards as a thank you for witnessing your ceremony. Thus, having a ceremony with all of your friends and family that you want there, and then hosting them with a cake and punch reception for a few hours is perfectly fine. This would allow you to have your friends and family in attendance, keep the budget low, and you can spend the rest of the day with your FH doing whatever you want together.

While your vows are your vows, and done at the ceremony, you and your FI could also write each other letters that you read to one another in a private and intimate setting either before or after your wedding.

You could also have the smaller family and friend wedding and then do something bigger for your honeymoon, if it's in the budget.

Also, while you may feel pressured to invite a bazillion people to your wedding, NO ONE is entitled to an invitation, so please do not think you are obligated to invite everyone who shares one or both of your last names or every person you've ever met. For example- you may decide to extend the family invites to aunts/uncles but not cousins, or only first cousins, or not invite children, etc. As long as you are not splitting up a social unit or a family, it is also OK to invite some people but not others (some of your cousins, some children).

I think you should write out a list of your must haves for guests- who do YOU (and your FI) *really* want there? Where does that take you? Does that number of guests sound pleasing or does it make you want to run and hide? I think that will help give you your answer.

levioosa

You definitely can't do both.  You need to decide what means the most to you--having people there with you, or having a private and intimate marriage.  Finances might also be a big deciding factor.  

Jen4948

Eloping and big weddings are mutually exclusive, so you need to pick one or the other.

ernursej

I think I've heard more brides wish they had kept things smaller. I'd personally look for something in the middle and really think about a small wedding. It is absolutely possible to cut a huge list of family/friends. No one (not even your parents!) are entitled to an invitation to your wedding. Most adults understand that big weddings are expensive and going the route of a smaller wedding is fine. Anyone who is upset can have their moment and then you can bean dip.

sal2015

It is possible to have a small wedding, if that's really what you want to do. We had parents (which was 6 total people: my two parents and H's two parents (divorced) plus their new significant others, siblings (my 1 sister, H's 4 siblings (3 with their spouses and kids for a total of 12 more people), and H's Grandmas (only remaining grandparent). We had roughly 20 people total limiting it to Grandparents, parents, siblings and siblings families (the unmarried/unattached siblings were given plus 1's). Certainly, if you both have several siblings, it can add up, but even with H's big immediate family, we were able to keep it small. 

CMGragain

I  suggest a compromise.  Have a wedding with immediate family only.  You can have siblings, parents and grandparents.  You get your dress and the experience.  Maybe one attendant each.  You will save a lot of money.  You can have you reception at a nice restauranr, and maybe even that first dance with an ipod.
After your wedding, you send out marriage announcements to he rest of the family.  This does not mean that they should send gifts, but it is a more personal way of telling them that you are married than reading it on Facebook, or in the newspaper.

[Deleted User]

CMGragain said:

I  suggest a compromise.  Have a wedding with immediate family only.  You can have siblings, parents and grandparents.  You get your dress and the experience.  Maybe one attendant each.  You will save a lot of money.  You can have you reception at a nice restauranr, and maybe even that first dance with an ipod.
After your wedding, you send out marriage announcements to he rest of the family.  This does not mean that they should send gifts, but it is a more personal way of telling them that you are married than reading it on Facebook, or in the newspaper.

I really really like this idea.  For me, it'd be four parents plus 2 siblings and their famlies (11 people so far), plus me and FH (lucky number 13, 3 of them young children.)  Then we can each invite one or two additional couples adding up to 8 more.  We'd be right around 20-21 people if everyone showed up.

Jen4948

adk19 said:

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CMGragain said:

I  suggest a compromise.  Have a wedding with immediate family only.  You can have siblings, parents and grandparents.  You get your dress and the experience.  Maybe one attendant each.  You will save a lot of money.  You can have you reception at a nice restauranr, and maybe even that first dance with an ipod.
After your wedding, you send out marriage announcements to he rest of the family.  This does not mean that they should send gifts, but it is a more personal way of telling them that you are married than reading it on Facebook, or in the newspaper.

I really really like this idea.  For me, it'd be four parents plus 2 siblings and their famlies (11 people so far), plus me and FH (lucky number 13, 3 of them young children.)  Then we can each invite one or two additional couples adding up to 8 more.  We'd be right around 20-21 people if everyone showed up.

This is a very nice idea.

Gwendolyn1986

this is what convinced me to have a smaller wedding - do the math on how many people you could invite and how much time you would spend talking to each one. 

For example, 4 hours of socializing divided by 250 guests, thats less than 1 minute to talk to each person! if you cut that down to 25 people than that is almost 10 minutes per person. Since you obviously need to make the rounds and greet all of your guests anyway, would you rather have time to relax and dance and have actual conversations, or just be saying "hi thank you for coming" all night long? 

just to clarify i'm not dissing anyone who wants a big wedding, you do you! Just my personal thought process that made me want a smaller guest list.

jenna8984

Definitely agree with @sal2015 and @cmgragain. Just because you may have 75 aunts/ uncles/ cousins does not mean they all must be invited. We had parents, grandparents, my brother's family, and 2 friends each (with spouses) for total of 22 people. It was so perfect, best of both worlds!

MandyMost

scribe95 said:

I had a huge family but there is a way to have a small wedding. Parents, siblings, a select few best friends. That's it. If you elope a lot of people might be hurt. This way at least it's a smaller number.

In my family, eloping would be totally acceptable. People would be bummed they weren't there to see it, but their feelings likely wouldn't be hurt and they'd be very little drama. A small wedding, on the other hand? You may have just started a new world war. Hurt feelings all over the place at where the lines are drawn. There was no way for me to have a small wedding without seriously damaging relationships. It shouldn't be this way, but it was. I could have easily eloped, however, without concern over damaging relationships.