Bridesmaids approached me about the shower

spockforprez

(Sorry to keep coming to you with my speshul snowflakeness, guys.) 

I had lunch with one of my former bridesmaids so I could give her her gift before she goes into labor in what feels like two minutes from now (so excited!). She said that she was talking with my cousins (other bridesmaids) and they still wanted to host the shower for me.

My instincts immediately say no... no one attending the shower will be at the wedding except for one cousin, my mom and MIL, and my SIL. And the shower will be after the wedding anyway, so it would no longer truly be a "bridal" shower. I hate the idea that I would be asking for gifts for an event they technically weren't invited to, even if they were invited to the original wedding (of course).

I think I understand where they are coming from... they feel bad because I had the traditional bride experience pulled out from under me and want to give the shower as a way to make our rearranged plans more special. (Although I am actually incredibly excited about our new wedding!) My mom and SIL also support the idea so I feel a little pressured.

It's not that I don't want the party itself, but the gift part makes me uncomfortable. People have already raised money for us, given me almost $500 in visa gift cards, bought us food, offered help with building ramps and remodeling our bathrooms, places to stay, etc. etc. I feel like getting kitchen supplies and bath towels feels kinda cheap or weird or tacky in a situation like this. Materialistic, almost.

What are your thoughts?

PrettyGirlLost

Personally, if I was originally a guest to your wedding, I'd be close enough to you to know what's going on right now, and I'd be totally ok with being invited to and attending a shower for you.  Even if I was not invited to the new ceremony and even if the shower was after the fact.

OliveOilsMom

Ditto PGL.  I would give not one side eye if your BMs still held a shower for you, before or after your new ceremony.

If you are really uncomfortable about the gifts, maybe ask them to have it be more of a bridal luncheon.  The party wouldn't revolve around gifts, but if someone brought something, that would be fine.

[Deleted User]

spockforprez said:

(Sorry to keep coming to you with my speshul snowflakeness, guys.) 

I had lunch with one of my former bridesmaids so I could give her her gift before she goes into labor in what feels like two minutes from now (so excited!). She said that she was talking with my cousins (other bridesmaids) and they still wanted to host the shower for me.

My instincts immediately say no... no one attending the shower will be at the wedding except for one cousin, my mom and MIL, and my SIL. And the shower will be after the wedding anyway, so it would no longer truly be a "bridal" shower. I hate the idea that I would be asking for gifts for an event they technically weren't invited to, even if they were invited to the original wedding (of course).

I think I understand where they are coming from... they feel bad because I had the traditional bride experience pulled out from under me and want to give the shower as a way to make our rearranged plans more special. (Although I am actually incredibly excited about our new wedding!) My mom and SIL also support the idea so I feel a little pressured.

It's not that I don't want the party itself, but the gift part makes me uncomfortable. People have already raised money for us, given me almost $500 in visa gift cards, bought us food, offered help with building ramps and remodeling our bathrooms, places to stay, etc. etc. I feel like getting kitchen supplies and bath towels feels kinda cheap or weird or tacky in a situation like this. Materialistic, almost.

What are your thoughts?

If you want to, and they're still wanting to throw it, I'd say go ahead.  But, if it makes you at all uncomfortable, I think it really is okay to decline.  "Guys, I love that you want to do this for me, but due to circumstances, I'm going to be a WIFE (squeeee!) and not a Bride.  Can we do something other than a bridal shower?  If you really want to help, can you bring pizza over for the guys who are building the ramp in front of the house?  Maybe Sally can make her famous cookies for me to take to FH in the hospital?  I love that you want to do this form me, but it feels odd.  I hope you understand."

MyNameIsNot

If I were your BM, I would be saying to hell with etiquette, and wanting to throw the shower too. But I fully understand why you'd be uncomfortable with it.

Like PP said, I'd ask them to re-title it a brunch or lunch, or even just "girls' afternoon". I would ask them to avoid any mention of gifts to guests and not open anything at the party.

If I were a guest, I'd still probably want to get you a gift. Although, given the circumstances, it would probably be a check instead of a toaster. 

kylexo

I think you are actually allowed to be a bit of a special snowflake with what you've got going on right now.

Anecdotal storytime: I work in the floral industry and was living in Boston during the marathon bombings. In the aftermath, we were absolutely slammed with orders from people wanting to send flowers to the victims and their families. In talking to the people placing the orders, my coworkers and the crisis counselors that my employer called in to help us with everything, we learned that oftentimes as friends and loved ones when something tragic happens, you feel absolutely powerless. You're not allowed into the ICU, everyone is operating on auto pilot and it's hard to know what you can do to make sure that it's known that you are there want want to offer help, support, love, whatever. In our case it translated to people ordering flowers.

My best guess would be this is how your bridesmaids feel. They want you and FH to know that they love you and are there, but are feeling helpless and unsure of the best way to help out. Them offering is totally out of a place of love. It's hard to accept all of that sometimes and can be overwhelming, but they are coming from an amazing supportive place and obviously don't care about the "etiquette faux pas".

banana468

This is one of those times that I think you *are* a special snowflake.   Now if you have a registry at Tiffany's and your towels are $65 a piece with sheets that are $200 per set, I'll ask you to make some changes.

But your situation IS different.   You had a serious unforeseen medical emergency happen to one of you.   That's totally different than you suddenly want to be with him when he deploys or there's a different financial reason.   

So I'd probably say that I'd agree with it but only if it's low key and extremely intimate.

spockforprez

I definitely agree that people reach out in these types of ways because they don't know what else to do but want to do something. That is how we ended up with a grocery aisle's worth of snacks in FH's hospital room that we never ate - those first few days, about a dozen people thought, "Oh, hospital food sucks, I'll take them something to eat." And I know they (bridesmaids) feel awful for me and I would too if the situations were reversed. (By the way, we took the snacks home or sent them home with others, we didn't throw them out!)

I think maybe it's a gut reaction based on some inward sense of awkwardness. I feel the same way talking about the lawyer stuff... I hate the idea of people thinking I am looking for some big payday and to get rich when really we just want to make sure FH's future is secure as he navigates life, especially if he doesn't get his arm back. I do think I should maybe grow up a little and stop worrying about what people think (as long as I'm not being rude or an asshole). I am sure this experience will force me to grow up in a lot of ways.

I do think I would prefer if we rebranded as a luncheon or tea. That is a great compromise and would take away some of the feeling awkward about accepting gifts. 

madamerwin

Wow, I feel like you have found the ONE instance of actual "special circumstances" that, despite etiquette, I think is totally ok. I think you DO get to pull a Special Snowflake card here. If I were one of your BM's, or anyone invited to the shower, I would not bat an eye. In fact, I would be so happy to participate in your shower knowing what you have been going through, and I would not for a moment think ill of the fact that I was not invited to the wedding.

I definitely get why you would be uncomfortable, though. Maybe re-naming it as a brunch or girls' day would help. You obviously cannot stop people from giving you gifts, and even if there were a polite way to say "no gifts," I would probably want to get you something anyway, because you deserve it.

SP29

I agree with requesting a Bridal Luncheon or Tea, instead of a shower.

I would still get you a gift (or money), because I would want to (I'd still get you a gift even if you didn't have a shower), but at least with a luncheon or tea you aren't *asking* for gifts.

STARMOON44

spockforprez said:

I definitely agree that people reach out in these types of ways because they don't know what else to do but want to do something. That is how we ended up with a grocery aisle's worth of snacks in FH's hospital room that we never ate - those first few days, about a dozen people thought, "Oh, hospital food sucks, I'll take them something to eat." And I know they (bridesmaids) feel awful for me and I would too if the situations were reversed. (By the way, we took the snacks home or sent them home with others, we didn't throw them out!)

I think maybe it's a gut reaction based on some inward sense of awkwardness. I feel the same way talking about the lawyer stuff... I hate the idea of people thinking I am looking for some big payday and to get rich when really we just want to make sure FH's future is secure as he navigates life, especially if he doesn't get his arm back. I do think I should maybe grow up a little and stop worrying about what people think (as long as I'm not being rude or an asshole). I am sure this experience will force me to grow up in a lot of ways.

I do think I would prefer if we rebranded as a luncheon or tea. That is a great compromise and would take away some of the feeling awkward about accepting gifts. 

Just let them love you! And no sane person living in this country thinks calling a lawyer after an accident is some sort of gold digger move instead of an appropriate way to handle medical bills and lost income. I wouldn't say you need to grow up, but you certainly don't owe anyone an explanation and you don't have to feel guilty. 

kimmiinthemitten

Speshul vs Special.

You are a special situation, not the same as speshul;).

I agree, your friends probably feel helpless and want to make you feel special.  They wanted to before all of this happened, so naturally now they want to x100.  That's why they're your nearest and dearest, call at 1am, bury the body people.  If a tea or luncheon makes it easier for your pride to swallow, then do that.   However, I know I'm not alone in thinking that you deserve to have some special love showered upon you right now too.

ernursej

I think you are fine to accept, decline or ask for a rebrand. What you have been through is not covered in the etiquette books. I really hope that you will go for accepting or rebranding. I think you should get to celebrate being a bride, even if your event details have changed. I wish you nothing but the best.

spockforprez

Thanks, you guys. I can't tell you how much I love TK. This community is awesome.

levioosa

I'm late to the party, but another vote for "this is an honest-to-God, real life, unique and special situation."  You are not being a speshul snowflake at all, and if I was close enough to be invited to a shower, I'd probably want to be helping you out in whatever way possible, whether it was a frozen lasagna, or helping you out with something you need off of your registry.  

lembaslover

I agree with PP, if I were your BM I would totally want to make you still feel special and want to host a shower for you and if I were a guest I'd totally want to go even though I was no longer invited to the actual wedding. That being said I'd also understand if you felt you didn't want it and I think asking if they'd be ok just making it a brunch or lunch or BBQ or pizza party or whatever and not mention gifts. I'm sure you'll still get gifts but that's because people love you and want to give them.

I'm happy you're looking forward to your new intimate wedding, I'm sure it's going to be awesome! I'm sure it's hard worrying what people think but I doubt anyone who knows you thinks you're trying to make a big payday. From everything you've shared I think you're a great reminder that there really are good honest people out there.

Jen4948

I can understand your mixed feelings towards having a shower, but I think that under your specific circumstances, I'd go ahead and let your bridesmaids honor you because it's what they want to do.

If you're really uncomfortable about it being a gift-giving party being hosted by people who are not invited to the rescheduled wedding, I think you can ask that the party be of a non-gift-giving nature.  But if they still want to give you gifts at the party, I think it's okay for you to accept them.

glasgowtolondon

STARMOON44 said:

spockforprez said:

I definitely agree that people reach out in these types of ways because they don't know what else to do but want to do something. That is how we ended up with a grocery aisle's worth of snacks in FH's hospital room that we never ate - those first few days, about a dozen people thought, "Oh, hospital food sucks, I'll take them something to eat." And I know they (bridesmaids) feel awful for me and I would too if the situations were reversed. (By the way, we took the snacks home or sent them home with others, we didn't throw them out!)

I think maybe it's a gut reaction based on some inward sense of awkwardness. I feel the same way talking about the lawyer stuff... I hate the idea of people thinking I am looking for some big payday and to get rich when really we just want to make sure FH's future is secure as he navigates life, especially if he doesn't get his arm back. I do think I should maybe grow up a little and stop worrying about what people think (as long as I'm not being rude or an asshole). I am sure this experience will force me to grow up in a lot of ways.

I do think I would prefer if we rebranded as a luncheon or tea. That is a great compromise and would take away some of the feeling awkward about accepting gifts. 

Just let them love you! And no sane person living in this country thinks calling a lawyer after an accident is some sort of gold digger move instead of an appropriate way to handle medical bills and lost income. I wouldn't say you need to grow up, but you certainly don't owe anyone an explanation and you don't have to feel guilty. 

short+sassy

If I were your friend/relative and invited to your bridal shower (or tea/luncheon), I would be THRILLED to see you and celebrate with you.

flantastic

I'm a little surprised at this thread. I know you all like Spock and want to be supportive, and I'm sure it's true that many family and friends wouldn't mind at all and would enjoy the party, but you wouldn't say this to a newbie.

Anytime someone comes on here and says they moved up their wedding so their dying mother could be there (a "medical emergency"), but now plans to have a later celebration, and can they accept the offer of a bridal shower? everyone would say "Sorry, but no you can't."

Ergo, I am with those who say ask for a rebranding to a non-gift-giving event, and feel free to accept any gifts that are offered.

tigerlily6

I think a big part of the problem with special snowflakes is that they have an expectation that people will shower them with "love" (*cough* presents and free labor, *cough, cough*) freely, when in reality their friends and family may feel obligated to do so. 

This is not your situation. You are not imposing on anybody with expectations. This is your friends really, 100% wanting to give love and support for you during a hard time. I'd say let them. Whether that is a luncheon or some other kind of party, let them love you and celebrate you a bit, because damn, Spock,  I think all us PPs agree -- you deserve it. 

spockforprez

flantastic said:

I'm a little surprised at this thread. I know you all like Spock and want to be supportive, and I'm sure it's true that many family and friends wouldn't mind at all and would enjoy the party, but you wouldn't say this to a newbie.

Anytime someone comes on here and says they moved up their wedding so their dying mother could be there (a "medical emergency"), but now plans to have a later celebration, and can they accept the offer of a bridal shower? everyone would say "Sorry, but no you can't."

Ergo, I am with those who say ask for a rebranding to a non-gift-giving event, and feel free to accept any gifts that are offered.

Ha, for what it's worth I expected to hear the same thing and each new notification I received I was expecting a dissenting opinion from the prior ones. I will absolutely be asking that the invitations do not say shower or include registry information. 

ShesSoCold

flantastic said:

I'm a little surprised at this thread. I know you all like Spock and want to be supportive, and I'm sure it's true that many family and friends wouldn't mind at all and would enjoy the party, but you wouldn't say this to a newbie.

Anytime someone comes on here and says they moved up their wedding so their dying mother could be there (a "medical emergency"), but now plans to have a later celebration, and can they accept the offer of a bridal shower? everyone would say "Sorry, but no you can't."

Ergo, I am with those who say ask for a rebranding to a non-gift-giving event, and feel free to accept any gifts that are offered.

I see your point, but I your scenario, the difference is that the emergency here is with the couple, not a member of the family. I honestly think that if this were a KnottieNumbers and her fiancé and not spock, we'd have the same response. There are exceptions to rules and I've seen them here a few times. There was one couple a few years ago who had what we'd all call a PPD (commitment ceremony) in their home state before same sex marriage was legal. Then when it was, they wanted to invite people to their legal wedding. Everyone agreed it was the exception to the rule.

I cancelled my wedding due to a dying mother after my shower. I was able to invite everyone on the original list to the new wedding so the point was moot, but I was 100% prepared to return the shower gifts.

RomanceManaged

I'm also pro-shower/lunch/brunch thing.

At the very least it will give you some much needed "getaway" time. Have a glass of wine, some great conversation, and be surrounded by loved ones who want to celebrate you.

I think thats something you could really benefit from.

kimmiinthemitten

@flantastic I think the other difference with this and other speshul situations is in this one, the friends have offered to keep the shower and the bride is unsure.  Most of the "my wedding plans have changed" posters want to have their cake and eat it too.  They think it's not fair they moved up their wedding and deserve the party.

Spock has moved up her wedding, made her guests aware, intends to host a celebration later when they're able and their friends still want to offer more.  The bride this time isn't guilting others to continue to provide her with bride things after she becomes a wife.

flantastic

kimmiinthemitten said:

@flantastic I think the other difference with this and other speshul situations is in this one, the friends have offered to keep the shower and the bride is unsure.  Most of the "my wedding plans have changed" posters want to have their cake and eat it too.  They think it's not fair they moved up their wedding and deserve the party.

Spock has moved up her wedding, made her guests aware, intends to host a celebration later when they're able and their friends still want to offer more.  The bride this time isn't guilting others to continue to provide her with bride things after she becomes a wife.

We've all seen people whose friends are offering showers when it's not appropriate to have a shower (i.e., when those people aren't/weren't invited to the wedding). In that case, we tell the bride it's their responsibility to decline the offer, or it still turns into the bolded (with respect to wedding gifts).

I definitely think Spock should go out and relax, and if her friends are willing to host a non-shower party and she would enjoy it, then I think that'd be a great avenue. She can easily enjoy the company and support of her friends and family and their excitement for her marriage without it being a bridal shower.

spockforprez

flantastic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

@flantastic I think the other difference with this and other speshul situations is in this one, the friends have offered to keep the shower and the bride is unsure.  Most of the "my wedding plans have changed" posters want to have their cake and eat it too.  They think it's not fair they moved up their wedding and deserve the party.

Spock has moved up her wedding, made her guests aware, intends to host a celebration later when they're able and their friends still want to offer more.  The bride this time isn't guilting others to continue to provide her with bride things after she becomes a wife.

We've all seen people whose friends are offering showers when it's not appropriate to have a shower (i.e., when those people aren't/weren't invited to the wedding). In that case, we tell the bride it's their responsibility to decline the offer, or it still turns into the bolded (with respect to wedding gifts).

I definitely think Spock should go out and relax, and if her friends are willing to host a non-shower party and she would enjoy it, then I think that'd be a great avenue. She can easily enjoy the company and support of her friends and family and their excitement for her marriage without it being a bridal shower.

Yeah. I mean that's pretty much my beef with accepting the (non-)shower. I don't want people to think of me in that way. I think I should just decline. I feel like an ass anyway because it turns out my bridesmaid handmade all the invitations and they say "April Showers Bring May Flowers" so it can't really be altered to fit a non-shower event.

banana468

flantastic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

@flantastic I think the other difference with this and other speshul situations is in this one, the friends have offered to keep the shower and the bride is unsure.  Most of the "my wedding plans have changed" posters want to have their cake and eat it too.  They think it's not fair they moved up their wedding and deserve the party.

Spock has moved up her wedding, made her guests aware, intends to host a celebration later when they're able and their friends still want to offer more.  The bride this time isn't guilting others to continue to provide her with bride things after she becomes a wife.

We've all seen people whose friends are offering showers when it's not appropriate to have a shower (i.e., when those people aren't/weren't invited to the wedding). In that case, we tell the bride it's their responsibility to decline the offer, or it still turns into the bolded (with respect to wedding gifts).

I definitely think Spock should go out and relax, and if her friends are willing to host a non-shower party and she would enjoy it, then I think that'd be a great avenue. She can easily enjoy the company and support of her friends and family and their excitement for her marriage without it being a bridal shower.

I think there's a big difference between losing a parent and your spouse (or future spouse in this case) losing a limb.   This isn't about a deployment, someone who suddenly received military orders when they thought their location was going to last longer, or someone who even is in danger of losing someone close to them.   In this case there was a catastrophic event that hit one member of the couple.   

I think it should be different than a standard shower but I honestly think that this *is* a special circumstance. 

debbeau

Last year a friend of mine's FH was hit by a car and now has a prosthesis. Our friends threw a "shower" to provide some of the things to help equip the house for the future. Things like transition plates for doorways, grab bars, shower chair, swivel seat for the car, etc. Everyone checked with my friend beforehand to confirm what was needed. 

charlotte989875

If etiquette is about anticipating needs and making sure guests are comfortable and happy and there are no hurt feelings; then if they truly want to do this for Spok, isn't insisting that they not through the "showe/tea/lunch hurting feelings/making them feel bad as well? I feel like this is a "letter of the law" etiquette versus actually treating the situation individually in which the guests, fully knowing what has happened want to do this even though it's "not proper etiquette". The criticism seems to be like etiquette for etiquette's sake rather than out of concern guests are made to feel uncomfortable. 

If this was my friend, sister, cousin, niece I would absolutely understand the need to move up the ceremony and why I was not invited to that, and be perfectly happy attending a shower knowing she's already a wife. And be stoked to party with them at some date to be decided on depending on his recovery. 

glasgowtolondon

I do have to agree with @flantastic on this one, and to be fair it seems like spock does too. She definitely deserves to relax and celebrate with her nearest and dearest, but that doesn't need to be a gift giving event. I do wonder if this might be like when we tell random knottie#'s that when people like you they don't want to tell you your idea isn't right for fear of hurting you.