Bridesmaids approached me about the shower

ScottishSarah

Sorry OP if I was your friend I would really really want to get you a shower gift.  It's not gift grabby, your friends just want to show their support at this time.  I think you should have one.  

[Deleted User]

ScottishSarah said:

Sorry OP if I was your friend I would really really want to get you a shower gift.  It's not gift grabby, your friends just want to show their support at this time.  I think you should have one.  

I would also want to give a gift.  And I probably would in this situation.  But I don't need to do it at a shower.  I'd probably have a gift shipped to the house once I knew she was back home to receive the gift.  Hell, depending on how close I was to her, I'd probably clear off that registry because I'd so want to Help in some small way.  

tigerlily6

spockforprez said:

flantastic said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

@flantastic I think the other difference with this and other speshul situations is in this one, the friends have offered to keep the shower and the bride is unsure.  Most of the "my wedding plans have changed" posters want to have their cake and eat it too.  They think it's not fair they moved up their wedding and deserve the party.

Spock has moved up her wedding, made her guests aware, intends to host a celebration later when they're able and their friends still want to offer more.  The bride this time isn't guilting others to continue to provide her with bride things after she becomes a wife.

We've all seen people whose friends are offering showers when it's not appropriate to have a shower (i.e., when those people aren't/weren't invited to the wedding). In that case, we tell the bride it's their responsibility to decline the offer, or it still turns into the bolded (with respect to wedding gifts).

I definitely think Spock should go out and relax, and if her friends are willing to host a non-shower party and she would enjoy it, then I think that'd be a great avenue. She can easily enjoy the company and support of her friends and family and their excitement for her marriage without it being a bridal shower.

Yeah. I mean that's pretty much my beef with accepting the (non-)shower. I don't want people to think of me in that way. I think I should just decline. I feel like an ass anyway because it turns out my bridesmaid handmade all the invitations and they say "April Showers Bring May Flowers" so it can't really be altered to fit a non-shower event.

@spockforprez, I thought about this for a bit, and I realized the cards could actually still work. The meaning of the saying "April Showers Bring May Flowers" could still fit with a non-shower theme. The point of it is that good things can still come out of bad times. God knows that is what all of us, and I'm sure your friends and family, have been wishing and praying for you and your FH. Your friends could just throw you a party which is not a bridal shower, but a "We love you, Spock!" party, if they want. I have come to agree with @flantastic and @glasgowtolondon --  a bridal shower is itself probably not the right event, and I could see why you would be hesitant about accepting one. I think all us PPs would agree that your friends rallying together and throwing a party in support of you would be completely fine, though. 

drunkenwitch

There's the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. If this happened to one of my friends I wouldn't give a rat's ass about ettique. I would be desperately looking for something to dobthat help, cheer up or console my friend.  An afternoon surrounded by friends would lift anyone's spirits. And people want to bring a gift, that's fine. What this boils down to is Spock's friends wanting to do something for her.

flantastic

drunkenwitch said:

There's the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. If this happened to one of my friends I wouldn't give a rat's ass about ettique. I would be desperately looking for something to dobthat help, cheer up or console my friend.  An afternoon surrounded by friends would lift anyone's spirits. And people want to bring a gift, that's fine. What this boils down to is Spock's friends wanting to do something for her.

I totally understand why the friends gravitated towards having the shower as a suggestion. However, I think there's an easy way for Spock to get the awesome afternoon surrounded by friends without it having to be the shower. If it's in any way bridal-related and people want to bring gifts, they definitely will - just this way they're not being asked to.

Besides, it may just be me who wasn't that big a fan of doing the gift-opening, but the less time she has to spend opening gifts publicly, the more time she can spend just hanging out.

spockforprez

Thanks for all the discussion on this. I appreciate the perspectives and counsel. I sent this email to the group of women on Wednesday:

Hello peeps,

Patty and I had lunch yesterday and she asked what I would think about still having the shower. I think this is a really sweet gesture and I really appreciate it. 

I think I would love to accept this celebration as something to look forward to during a tough time, but I would truly prefer if it were not called a shower. Opening gifts of bath towels and kitchen gadgets in front of people who weren't at the wedding just feels a little strange to me and not what I would want to do. I know the invites were already done, so I hate to make the request, but I would prefer we switch it to a bridal luncheon or something, and not include any registry information or open gifts at the party. I can't stop people from bringing gifts if they want to, but that makes me feel better about the weird materialistic type feeling.

If you'd rather not reorder the invites or make changes, I totally understand. In that situation I would rather not have the shower. That is NOT a reflection on you guys but just how I'm feeling about asking for gifts.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't upset anyone. Patty is about to have a baby and Kelly is about to get married and Susie is crazy with work and school so this is not something we need to finalize or hash out right now. Just wanted to put it out there. 

Love you guys!

-Spock

drunkenwitch

flantastic said:

drunkenwitch said:

There's the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. If this happened to one of my friends I wouldn't give a rat's ass about ettique. I would be desperately looking for something to dobthat help, cheer up or console my friend.  An afternoon surrounded by friends would lift anyone's spirits. And people want to bring a gift, that's fine. What this boils down to is Spock's friends wanting to do something for her.

I totally understand why the friends gravitated towards having the shower as a suggestion. However, I think there's an easy way for Spock to get the awesome afternoon surrounded by friends without it having to be the shower. If it's in any way bridal-related and people want to bring gifts, they definitely will - just this way they're not being asked to.

Besides, it may just be me who wasn't that big a fan of doing the gift-opening, but the less time she has to spend opening gifts publicly, the more time she can spend just hanging out.

That is an excellent point.