Plus One Issues..

Subwayloves

I have a (single) friend who a few months ago asked me if she could have a plus one for our wedding. I explained sorry, we're not really doing plus ones, as we have quite a few single guests, and if we gave everyone plus ones, we would either be way over budget or have to cut out people who we want to invite. She said oh I understand, don't be sorry!

About a month ago, she began talking about a guy she was seeing, and was referring to him as her "significant other." I was of course going to invite him if they were in a relationship, so asked for his name to put on the invitation. She said they weren't at that stage yet, but she would let me know. About a week later, she said she was no longer seeing this guy.

We sent out our invitations a couple of days ago, and her invitation was addressed only to her. Last night, she posts a status on Facebook that says, "So my friends are getting married in June and I need a date! Contenders??"

Seriously? Am I insane for thinking this is incredibly rude? Yes, I know one extra person really will not make a difference in our day, however the fact that she had already asked me and I told her we weren't giving out plus ones (and her invitation is addressed to only her) really irritates me. She also knows at least 15-20 people who will also be at the wedding, so it is not like she will be alone not knowing anyone.

monkeysip

So... is she hoping that some guy will agree to be her date, and she's going to call you and tell you that this is her "boyfriend" or something?  The dishonesty of it would be what really bothered me.

Viczaesar

Subwayloves said:

I have a (single) friend who a few months ago asked me if she could have a plus one for our wedding. I explained sorry, we're not really doing plus ones, as we have quite a few single guests, and if we gave everyone plus ones, we would either be way over budget or have to cut out people who we want to invite. She said oh I understand, don't be sorry!

About a month ago, she began talking about a guy she was seeing, and was referring to him as her "significant other." I was of course going to invite him if they were in a relationship, so asked for his name to put on the invitation. She said they weren't at that stage yet, but she would let me know. About a week later, she said she was no longer seeing this guy.

We sent out our invitations a couple of days ago, and her invitation was addressed only to her. Last night, she posts a status on Facebook that says, "So my friends are getting married in June and I need a date! Contenders??"

Seriously? Am I insane for thinking this is incredibly rude? Yes, I know one extra person really will not make a difference in our day, however the fact that she had already asked me and I told her we weren't giving out plus ones (and her invitation is addressed to only her) really irritates me. She also knows at least 15-20 people who will also be at the wedding, so it is not like she will be alone not knowing anyone.

This is very passive-aggressive, but I'd be seriously tempted to post on her status "Oh, you're going to another wedding in June?  Busy month for you!  Where's the wedding?"

thefanciestbeckler

This is so dishonest and rude/immature on her part. I'd be tempted to have the same response as @Viczaesar. Bleh. I'm sorry OP. 

levioosa

Wow, that is really dishonest.  That definitely wasn't the post I expected when I clicked on "plus one issues."  I usually don't advocate passive aggressiveness, but I'd really be tempted to do what Vic said.  How awkward.  

ETA: Is she a very close friend?  Because after dishonesty and shenanigans like this, she shouldn't be a friend much longer.  Like, did she not think you would see her status?  

ScottishSarah

Maybe she really doesn't want to go to the wedding alone.  Just playing devils advocate here!  How close a friend is she?

JediElizabeth

ScottishSarah said:

Maybe she really doesn't want to go to the wedding alone.  Just playing devils advocate here!  How close a friend is she?

In that case she should probably just decline.

OP, please let us know how this works out. I'm curious (hopeful!) to know if she's actually invited to two weddings. 

Subwayloves

I actually don't think she was doing this to be dishonest (at least I'd hope not). I think she is just more clueless, and when I asked for her SOs name, she thought that meant it was fine for her to bring anyone (even though I'd already had that discussion with her).

She is not an extremely close friend, and I'd say she is more of a friend of FIs than mine. He texted her after seeing this status, and said "Hey I know there's a possibility you may be talking about a different wedding with your status, but just in case, I wanted to let you know unfortunately with our numbers and budget, we are not able to offer plus ones." She responded with something along the lines of "Oh so I'm gonna be alone... X friend (her closest friend who is also invited to the wedding) is bringing her boyfriend who you guys don't even know though?" FI explained to her that we are inviting all SOs, and as X friend has a SO, he is invited. Didn't get a response to this text.

This isn't really the first time we've had similar issues with this girl. When I first got engaged, she asked me if she could be a bridesmaid (and as I've said, I'm not extremely close with her and at that point had only known her a few months) which made for a very awkward conversation. I don't think she is a bad person or means anything by any of these things, but I think she is more just very unaware of social norms and etiquette.

redoryx

Subwayloves said:

I actually don't think she was doing this to be dishonest (at least I'd hope not). I think she is just more clueless, and when I asked for her SOs name, she thought that meant it was fine for her to bring anyone (even though I'd already had that discussion with her).

She is not an extremely close friend, and I'd say she is more of a friend of FIs than mine. He texted her after seeing this status, and said "Hey I know there's a possibility you may be talking about a different wedding with your status, but just in case, I wanted to let you know unfortunately with our numbers and budget, we are not able to offer plus ones." She responded with something along the lines of "Oh so I'm gonna be alone... X friend (her closest friend who is also invited to the wedding) is bringing her boyfriend who you guys don't even know though?" FI explained to her that we are inviting all SOs, and as X friend has a SO, he is invited. Didn't get a response to this text.

This isn't really the first time we've had similar issues with this girl. When I first got engaged, she asked me if she could be a bridesmaid (and as I've said, I'm not extremely close with her and at that point had only known her a few months) which made for a very awkward conversation. I don't think she is a bad person or means anything by any of these things, but I think she is more just very unaware of social norms and etiquette.

'm going to assume that even if she DID get a plus one on the invite you wouldn't have met her date either so I'm not entirely sure what point she was trying to make here. 

AddieCake

Definitely not ok. 

SP29

redoryx said:

show previous quotes

Subwayloves said:

I actually don't think she was doing this to be dishonest (at least I'd hope not). I think she is just more clueless, and when I asked for her SOs name, she thought that meant it was fine for her to bring anyone (even though I'd already had that discussion with her).

She is not an extremely close friend, and I'd say she is more of a friend of FIs than mine. He texted her after seeing this status, and said "Hey I know there's a possibility you may be talking about a different wedding with your status, but just in case, I wanted to let you know unfortunately with our numbers and budget, we are not able to offer plus ones." She responded with something along the lines of "Oh so I'm gonna be alone... X friend (her closest friend who is also invited to the wedding) is bringing her boyfriend who you guys don't even know though?" FI explained to her that we are inviting all SOs, and as X friend has a SO, he is invited. Didn't get a response to this text.

This isn't really the first time we've had similar issues with this girl. When I first got engaged, she asked me if she could be a bridesmaid (and as I've said, I'm not extremely close with her and at that point had only known her a few months) which made for a very awkward conversation. I don't think she is a bad person or means anything by any of these things, but I think she is more just very unaware of social norms and etiquette.

'm going to assume that even if she DID get a plus one on the invite you wouldn't have met her date either so I'm not entirely sure what point she was trying to make here. 

I am assuming Friend is trying to say, if you're inviting someone else with a bf you've never met, why can't I bring a random date you've never met.

Obviously not comparable, Friend does seem clueless.

That is definitely frustrating for you OP. If Friend brings it up again, or if she RSVPs with someone, let FI handle her and repeat what you've already said regarding SOs vs. "guests".

crys-crys

June is a big wedding month. She could honestly be referring to a different wedding where she is getting a plus one.

Jen4948

I think you just need to gently but firmly tell her that no, she cannot bring a plus-one with her just to have a date at your wedding.

CharmedPam

scribe95 said:

I think she is just confused. If I am honest, before I came to TK I didn't understand the difference between a SO and a plus one.

exactly what I was going to say while reading this. 

thisismynickname2

I'd recommend being a little more frank with her. "Friend, we're not trying to make you feel bad or alone. OtherFriend is bringing a boyfriend. Though we haven't yet gotten to meet him, we look forward to meeting someone who is important to her. As we said, we don't have the budget to accommodate the guests of all our single friends.  We thought you'd be ok attending alone as you'll know at least 20 other people at the event. It wouldn't be fair for us to have you bring a non-boyfriend when we can't extend the courtesy to everyone who doesn't have a BF or GF either. I'm sorry; this is our final decision." 

ellamber

Genuine question: If one person gets a plus one, all single people need to?

banana468

amberdaisy1005 said:

Genuine question: If one person gets a plus one, all single people need to?

Not necessarily.   Some couples opt to give a plus one to the WP only.

I'll say that it's generally best to apply any rule in a uniform way.    

madamerwin

amberdaisy1005 said:

Genuine question: If one person gets a plus one, all single people need to?

In my opinion (not sure if this is etiquette-approved?), it depends on how many single guests you have... Like, if you only have four single guests, you probably should not give three of them a plus one, but not the fourth. It would single out (pun!) the fourth guest and probably not make them feel very good. If you have 30 single guests, you can get away with giving them in circles... Like, you could just give your bridal party guests who are single a plus one, or just family members. Or hell, you could just give them to people who will not know anyone else at the wedding. I think it just depends on the circumstances and your crowd.

ETF spelling

MandyMost

amberdaisy1005 said:

Genuine question: If one person gets a plus one, all single people need to?

We extended a plus one to any single guests who would either not know many people at the wedding, and/or had to travel to get to the wedding and we knew would prefer to travel with a companion.  

So, the few single cousins who knew 50 other people at the wedding, or the few single college friends who were part of a big group of college friends who all knew each other didn't get plus ones. But if we had a single coworker friend who wouldn't really know anyone else, she would get a plus one. Or if there was one friend we knew would have to rent a hotel room otherwise by herself, she would get a plus one. 

Like anything, I think it's best to do it in circles. 

ellamber

Okay, makes sense!