What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]
Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.
Thank you.
Edit: Thanks for all of your input. I typed this out way too quickly on break at work before thinking. Thank you all for telling me how horrible I am. I appreciate it. I have never been married before and am only 22, I am just confused and have no idea how any of this works. My mom has been pretty much telling me the opposite of everyone here. I love Kate with all my heart and her friendship to me means more than the world, which is why I came to ask for help because I was confused on what to do. I'm sorry if this struck a nerve with most of you. I did not want to start a thread on how horrible and self centered I am. I stupidly typed out before thinking, considering the whole story isn't even here.
So thank you for your input. Sorry for all of trouble I've cause some of you. Thanks for letting me know how horribly I was thinking.
Re: What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]
What on earth are you wanting to explain to her?
If she shows up on the day of your wedding and walks down the aisle and stands next to you, she's your bridesmaid. If she doesn't show up, bummer. Either way you don't replace bridesmaids. Either way you'll still be married at the end of the day, so what's the problem?
Kick this bitch's ass.
Seriously though, your expectations are way out of line. This woman works nearly double the typical full-time work week and you are not the only thing in her life.
Why would she need to thank your mom for throwing you a shower? What in the hell does that have to do with her? And you're upset that she didn't buy you a shower gift in advance? Say that out loud. Does that really sound okay to you? What timeframe is acceptable for her to purchase a gift, in your opinion?
Edited because I'm not done.
You sound incredibly judgmental of her life. You said "she works 70 hours a week, by choice". WTF? You don't like that she works a lot of hours? How dare this bitch work to pay her bills!
And you put godmother in quotes and said "being deemed godmother". Whether it is to you or not, being a godmother is a big effing deal to some people. And clearly to her, it's a bigger deal than your wedding.
Your wedding is not the most important thing in everyone's life. FFS, you need to get over yourself.
Also, just curious, but why were the shower invitations sent out 3 months in advance? Wedding invites don't even go out that far off. And why does it matter when she purchased your shower gift?
Planning a wedding can be stressful at times but try not to let Kate be part of that stress, she hasn't technically broken BM code, so to speak.
She's not required to attend any of your pre-wedding parties. She's not required to care about any of your pre-wedding parties. All she's required to do, as a part of your wedding party, is show up the day of, relatively sober, smiling, and in the outfit of your choosing (within her budget). If she doesn't do that she's removed herself from your wedding party and you have your answer on where your relationship stands. But if you kick her out of your wedding party you're choosing to end the friendship. And if you replace her you're being a shitty friend to two people, since you'd be telling a different friend "You weren't good enough to be in my wedding party but now we have uneven sides and you're the best prop I could find".
Also, why do you need her meal choice a month and a half before you wedding date? Does your caterer just have a terrible timeline and all your guests are expected to RSVP/choose their meals ridiculously far in advance or is this just her punishment for being uncommunicative?
You need to chill out and seriously lower your expectations. She doesn't need to chat with your other bridesmaids. She doesn't need to go to your parties. She doesn't even need to go to the rehearsal if she doesn't want to/can't manage with her incredibly busy schedule.
Take a breath, have a glass of wine, take a bath or a long walk or masturbate or something, anything to chill out and realize you asked her to be in your bridal party because you love her and want to honor her, not just to have a prop to stand near you on your wedding day.
I asked Kate if she feels comfortable being in the wedding, and if she has too much going on to focus to tell me now and it's okay to come as a guest, and she just kept saying, "I'll be there, I promise."
I think you should believe her. She said she'll be at your wedding. Done.
She shouldn't have been expected to clean up at your bridal shower or help carry presents. Cleaning up is the job of the hosts and only the hosts.
Also it was extremely rude of your FI to criticize Kate for not buying a bridal shower gift in advance. Who cares when she bought it? He owes her an apology as well.
You should not replace her. Bridesmaids are nearest and dearest friends, not replaceable props. Think about how the replacement would feel. Don't hurt any more feelings or cause more damage than you've already caused. Even numbers don't matter... if Kate chooses not to be a BM, then you'll have one less BM on the day of the wedding. No big deal at all.
Sleep on this, then reread in the morning. Hopefully you will see what all of us see.
Then call kate and invite her meet you for a glass of wine and give her the apology you owe her. Pray she accepts and truly means it.
That Bitch! How dare she put other things in her life in front of your pre-wedding parties! Kick her to the fucking curb! Screw a 13 year friendship, she's dead to you. If she can't provide you with the proper amount of attention, she doesn't DESERVE to be in your presence let alone a place of honor in your WEDDING!!!! Fuck that shit!
How's that?
And deleting your post was pointless since you were quoted, but good try.
Unless you left out some major details, I don't think any of your post was taken out of context. You have wildly unrealistic and unfair expectations of your bridal party if you think your friend, who works 70 hours per week, is being shitty for not making you her first priority in life.
And to most people, someone close to them having a baby (she's the godmother, no less) is far more important than a close friend getting married. A wedding is basically a party to most guests; a baby is forever.
My advice: Apologize to your friend for being so self-centered. DO NOT replace her or sit her down to "explain" anything. All that is required of her is to show up, on time for the ceremony, relatively sober and in proper attire. That's it.
Attendance at pre-wedding parties is not required. Attendance at the rehearsal isn't required. I had one bridesmaid who could not attend any of these things - she flew in very late the night before the wedding and managed to walk down the aisle and stand in the right place without rehearsing. It's not hard to do. And guess what? I was SO happy she was able and willing to be in the wedding, especially considering she got married the weekend before. Be happy your friend wants to be part of your wedding, especially considering how you have been treating her.
Just because you're getting married does not mean everyone's attention needs to be focused on you all the time. Get over it.
Baby trumps wedding, every single time. Remember that OP. It will serve you well in life.
I feel really bad for your friend. She works like crazy, mostly likely to SUPPORT herself, and all you want to do is bash her for that. I say good for her!
If your friend has been working this schedule for a while, she has probably always been this busy and forgetful of dates. So did you think she would change her ways just because you are getting married?
Also, bugging her for a food choice 37 days out? Calm down, slow your roll, have a margarita (or 4) and simmer down. When you are a week from your catering numbers being due, send her a text that reads "Friend, food choices are due to the caterer on Friday. If I don't hear from you by Thursday, I will select the chicken option for you."
Also, why is your RD floating around a 4 hour time period? And why is it during the day of a Friday. Please do not expect every single WP member to attend that. If I were a WP member, I'd say I can't make it. I'm not using a vacation day to attend your RD that doesn't even have a proper start time. I mean - you are 37 days away! Get that locked down!
My advice: Step back, grow up.
I totally empathize with Kate. I've worked 60 hours+ a week at multiple jobs more than once, and I have no idea how I did it. 50 hours a week at two jobs, plus caring for the house and the animals, plus going to at least three recovery meetings a week, plus the odd freelance gig on top of wedding planning is no picnic, but I know it's going to be worth it. I also know not to expect anything of our BMs other than show up on time, sober, and appropriately dressed. Two live out of state, three have chronic medical conditions, and the last is busy homeschooling her teenage daughter, fostering animals, and generally living life.
OP, I suggest considering how you would feel in Kate's shoes.
ETA: I read everything again, and I am just speechless. Going to end here before I say something really rude.
Bottom line, you need to stop micromanaging your friends lives. They do not exist to respond to every one of your beck and calls. They do not exist to shower you with gifts of any kind in any manner. There is no "Bridesmaid Handbook " and even if there were, nowhere in its pages would it say that your bridesmaids are expected to attend every one of your pre-wedding parties. If your friend says she's going to be at your wedding, then trust that she will be there. It's really not your business to know whether or not she requested time off for your wedding, or for you to be involved in her decision to take time off at all. If I were her, I probably wouldn't want to show up if it meant supporting a friend who does not support my commitments or my Life Choices. Neither of which are really any of your business.
As you can tell, this post hit a nerve. This is no way to treat friends.
ETA no, I'm not done. I don't know what was "taken out of context," but for me, the fact that you insisted she skip this baby shower to go to your bridal shower really pissed me off. Essentially, you demanded that she put you first above anything or anyone else without once stopping to consider the impact you are having on the lives of the people around you. That's the context I saw.
Unless you are literally a toddler, there is no context in which you should be behaving this way. You need to get a grip and apologize to this poor girl.
She lives at home and has minimal, if any, bills to pay. She works part time at a craft store. She spends most of her time designing cosplays and going to various conventions (which is funded by her parents and her part time job). She has not thrown me a shower, has not planned a bachelorette party, and has not volunteered to be my brideslave for my DIY projects. I found her dress (with lots of input from her), bought it, and shipped it to her. By your standards, I'm sure she has failed every bridesmaid "test" there is. And you know what?
I DON'T CARE!!!!
She is my maid of honor because of our friendship. She is an adult and free to live her own life as she sees fit. Her only duty is to show up on the day of my wedding, take some pics with me, and walk down an aisle. That's it!!
Your friendship should be more important than this drama. How she lives her life is not yours to govern and you owe her an apology for thinking that her life should revolve around yours.
But guess what? None of that shit matters. She has been a wonderful, supportive friend for many years, and I was just thrilled that she was willing to spend the time and money to come half-way across the earth tostand by me as I got married.
Priorities.
*eyeroll*
Your MOH's job is to show up at your wedding, wearing the dress and reasonably sober. She stands up with you, holds your bouquet while you exchange vows, and poses for pictures. That is all. What more are you expecting?
I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.
I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.
I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.
I know wedding planning can be stressful between making sure everything gets done and planned on time and trying to balance that with everything else you have going on. However that's not an excuse to treat people poorly or get upset with people who have no responsibility to plan your wedding for you.
Find some ways to distress, take a break from thinking about and planning the wedding, take the weekend to do things you like to do. Have some wine. Or cupcakes. Or wine and cupcakes. Or wine flavored cupcakes. If you are "stressed out beyond belief" then you need to find ways to calm down and relax.