What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]

zerostarzombie

Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.

Thank you.  

Edit: Thanks for all of your input. I typed this out way too quickly on break at work before thinking. Thank you all for telling me how horrible I am. I appreciate it. I have never been married before and am only 22, I am just confused and have no idea how any of this works. My mom has been pretty much telling me the opposite of everyone here. I love Kate with all my heart and her friendship to me means more than the world, which is why I came to ask for help because I was confused on what to do. I'm sorry if this struck a nerve with most of you. I did not want to start a thread on how horrible and self centered I am. I stupidly typed out before thinking, considering the whole story isn't even here.

So thank you for your input. Sorry for all of trouble I've cause some of you. Thanks for letting me know how horribly I was thinking.

flantastic

zerostarzombie said:

Hey everyone. This may sound a bit scattered, but I just want an outside opinion other than my own and my close friends and family. *Incoming long post*

My best friend of 13 years is in my wedding party, let's call her Kate. Kate works 70 hours a week, by choice, at a retail store and as a tattoo artist. She also just became a "godmother" at the age of 23 to her cousin's baby. She also is being deemed godmother for another child to be born in May by her other cousin's girlfriend, who she just found out she was related to and has known for about a month or so. All this info will come in to play after I explain everything.

My mom and Aunt let me know when my bridal shower was just so I do not plan anything to do that day because they know I'm super busy on the weekends. They gave me the time and place, and that was it. I knew nothing else about it. It was April 17th, a Sunday, from 1pm-4pm. My mom and I sent out invites for it around end of January, and the RSVP deadline was April 1st (lol). I mentioned it to the bridal party a handful of times through text, facebook messages and groups, as well as in person. All said they were coming and couldn't wait, already requested off for work, etc.

Come Tuesday, the 12th, and I texted Kate, since I had not heard anything from her since we ordered her dress in early March. I asked if she was excited for the shower, only for her to say, "Wait...I thought that was in May?"

Already baffled, I told her calmly that no...that's the bachelorette party my other maid is planning. Totally separate. I told her about the invite, and how she told me she already took off of work, and she said, "I got my days all mixed up...and I work until 1 that day, and my godson's baby shower is from 2pm-5pm that day as well." I was so upset at this point because had I not mentioned it, she would have forgotten. She then said she will go to the baby shower until 3, and come to the bridal shower after. I told her I would really appreciate her coming there first and the baby shower after, and she said okay. I'll be there at 2 and leave at 4.

Come the day of the shower, I'm in the middle of opening gifts and she shows up around 2:45. She stood in the corner and I didn't even know she was there until my mom mentioned it. I asked her to come sit with me, and she wouldn't. My other maids were weirded out by that, but whatever. Then, we all break to get snacks and she goes on about how she's working too hard, she's super stressed out, her days all run together, and so on. My mom begins to explain rehearsal dinner times and dates, and Kate says, "Oh, I haven't requested off for the wedding yet. (Bride) can text me the dates tomorrow and I'll do it." At this point, my mom was livid. She left the room.

3:30 comes around, and Kate says she has to leave for the baby shower, and left. She didn't help take out gifts, clean up, or even really thank my mom or aunt for hosting and whatnot. She also called my fiancé on her way over to the shower asking what to buy. She got us an Amazon gift card, which is nice, but he told her that she should have done it before hand.

My other maids were frustrated at her lack of effort and communication with them as well, since my one maid is trying to plan a bachelorette party and Kate refuses to talk with the maid for whatever reason, saying she doesn't feel like she fits into the group. She's excluding herself and keeps making excuses. I asked Kate if she feels comfortable being in the wedding, and if she has too much going on to focus to tell me now and it's okay to come as a guest, and she just kept saying, "I'll be there, I promise." I told her the rehearsal dinner is the day before the wedding anytime between 1-4. She says, "okay, I work until 4. Let me know if you need me before then." *sigh* Told her I do, and she said she got the day off then. I

Fast forward to today, I had to go get her dress because she "didn't have time" to pick it up from David's Bridal, and she still hasn't told me what she wants to eat, a well as her boyfriend, even though I've asked 3 times in the past 2 months.

Our wedding is in 37 days. I'm just wondering if I'm supposed to replace her, or just hope that she shows? She's just...I don't know. I'm stressed. Should I sit her down, AGAIN, and explain it to her, or let her go?

JIC

flantastic

It doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong at all. She didn't have to come to your shower or bach, so her behavior there is irrelevant. It's a little annoying that she's been unresponsive, but just pick a meal for her then. There should be no reason you even need to know that info 37 days out, so she probably assumes it's not urgent. People are not replaceable.

What on earth are you wanting to explain to her?

[Deleted User]

Why do you need her food choice 37 days before your wedding?  When is your RSVP deadline?  It shouldn't be more than, say 3 weeks before your wedding date.  Maybe you're smothering her by asking her the same question 3 times in 2 months, those two months being 90 days before your wedding.  Chill out.  Have a margarita.

If she shows up on the day of your wedding and walks down the aisle and stands next to you, she's your bridesmaid.  If she doesn't show up, bummer.  Either way you don't replace bridesmaids.  Either way you'll still be married at the end of the day, so what's the problem?

ShesSoCold

Kick this bitch's ass.

Seriously though, your expectations are way out of line. This woman works nearly double the typical full-time work week and you are not the only thing in her life.

Why would she need to thank your mom for throwing you a shower? What in the hell does that have to do with her? And you're upset that she didn't buy you a shower gift in advance? Say that out loud. Does that really sound okay to you? What timeframe is acceptable for her to purchase a gift, in your opinion?

Edited because I'm not done.

You sound incredibly judgmental of her life. You said "she works 70 hours a week, by choice". WTF? You don't like that she works a lot of hours? How dare this bitch work to pay her bills!

And you put godmother in quotes and said "being deemed godmother". Whether it is to you or not, being a godmother is a big effing deal to some people. And clearly to her, it's a bigger deal than your wedding.

Your wedding is not the most important thing in everyone's life. FFS, you need to get over yourself.

ILoveBeachMusic

ShesSoCold said:

Kick this bitch's ass.

Seriously though, your expectations are way out of line. This woman works nearly double the typical full-time work week and you are not the only thing in her life.

Why would she need to thank your mom for throwing you a shower? What in the hell does that have to do with her? And you're upset that she didn't buy you a shower gift in advance? Say that out loud. Does that really sound okay to you? What timeframe is acceptable for her to purchase a gift, in your opinion?

Edited because I'm not done.

You sound incredibly judgmental of her life. You said "she works 70 hours a week, by choice". WTF? You don't like that she works a lot of hours? How dare this bitch work to pay her bills!

And you put godmother in quotes and said "being deemed godmother". Whether it is to you or not, being a godmother is a big effing deal to some people. And clearly to her, it's a bigger deal than your wedding.

Your wedding is not the most important thing in everyone's life. FFS, you need to get over yourself.

I agree with everything except the bolded. I think it is always proper to thank a host for including and hosting you in an event. She wouldn't be thanking her for having the shower for the Bride, just thanking for inviting her to the party.

flantastic

ILoveBeachMusic said:

ShesSoCold said:

Kick this bitch's ass.

Seriously though, your expectations are way out of line. This woman works nearly double the typical full-time work week and you are not the only thing in her life.

Why would she need to thank your mom for throwing you a shower? What in the hell does that have to do with her? And you're upset that she didn't buy you a shower gift in advance? Say that out loud. Does that really sound okay to you? What timeframe is acceptable for her to purchase a gift, in your opinion?

Edited because I'm not done.

You sound incredibly judgmental of her life. You said "she works 70 hours a week, by choice". WTF? You don't like that she works a lot of hours? How dare this bitch work to pay her bills!

And you put godmother in quotes and said "being deemed godmother". Whether it is to you or not, being a godmother is a big effing deal to some people. And clearly to her, it's a bigger deal than your wedding.

Your wedding is not the most important thing in everyone's life. FFS, you need to get over yourself.

I agree with everything except the bolded. I think it is always proper to thank a host for including and hosting you in an event. She wouldn't be thanking her for having the shower for the Bride, just thanking for inviting her to the party.

Okay, but bitching about it on the internet level? Why does she even know that her mom hasn't been thanked?

ShesSoCold

@Ilovebeachmusic that makes sense. I interpreted it like OP thinks BM should have thanked the mom for having the shower, not inviting her. Thanks.

ei34

Kate's duty as a bridesmaid is to be in the proper attire, on your wedding day.  She doesn't have to attend your shower (or help clean up/take out gifts), attend your bachelorette, and if she can't make the RD, I'm sure someone can let her know where she's standing on wedding day.  Every wedding I've been in has been the same old routine, a rehearsal isn't mandatory. 
Also, just curious, but why were the shower invitations sent out 3 months in advance?  Wedding invites don't even go out that far off.  And why does it matter when she purchased your shower gift?
Planning a wedding can be stressful at times but try not to let Kate be part of that stress, she hasn't technically broken BM code, so to speak.

flantastic

Honestly, it sounds like the mom is part of the problem with the unrealistic expectations. So "livid" she walks out of the room when she discovers this girl hasn't requested time off for the wedding yet? Seriously?

InLoveInQueens

zerostarzombie said:

Our wedding is in 37 days. I'm just wondering if I'm supposed to replace her, or just hope that she shows? She's just...I don't know. I'm stressed. Should I sit her down, AGAIN, and explain it to her, or let her go?

Why on earth would you think you're "supposed to replace her"? Did she smack you on her way out the door at your shower and you glossed over that? Or do something equally as reprehensible? Because from your narrative (which I assume puts you in the best light, since you're telling the story) she just seems flakey and bad with dates. And really fucking busy, working 70 hours a week.

She's not required to attend any of your pre-wedding parties. She's not required to care about any of your pre-wedding parties. All she's required to do, as a part of your wedding party, is show up the day of, relatively sober, smiling, and in the outfit of your choosing (within her budget). If she doesn't do that she's removed herself from your wedding party and you have your answer on where your relationship stands. But if you kick her out of your wedding party you're choosing to end the friendship. And if you replace her you're being a shitty friend to two people, since you'd be telling a different friend "You weren't good enough to be in my wedding party but now we have uneven sides and you're the best prop I could find".

Also, why do you need her meal choice a month and a half before you wedding date? Does your caterer just have a terrible timeline and all your guests are expected to RSVP/choose their meals ridiculously far in advance or is this just her punishment for being uncommunicative?

You need to chill out and seriously lower your expectations. She doesn't need to chat with your other bridesmaids. She doesn't need to go to your parties. She doesn't even need to go to the rehearsal if she doesn't want to/can't manage with her incredibly busy schedule.

Take a breath, have a glass of wine, take a bath or a long walk or masturbate or something, anything to chill out and realize you asked her to be in your bridal party because you love her and want to honor her, not just to have a prop to stand near you on your wedding day.

[Deleted User]

Your original post said... 
 I asked Kate if she feels comfortable being in the wedding, and if she has too much going on to focus to tell me now and it's okay to come as a guest, and she just kept saying, "I'll be there, I promise." 

I think you should believe her.  She said she'll be at your wedding.  Done.

floridabride44

Wow. Sounds like you owe Kate an apology. Demanding her presence at your bridal shower and rehearsal dinner is not okay. When you get married you get ONE DAY. All that's expected of a bridesmaid is to show up on the wedding day on time, in relatively good spirits and relatively sober in the agreed upon attire and smile for pictures. There's no such thing as "duties" and "effort" is not required. 

She shouldn't have been expected to clean up at your bridal shower or help carry presents. Cleaning up is the job of the hosts and only the hosts. 

Also it was extremely rude of your FI to criticize Kate for not buying a bridal shower gift in advance. Who cares when she bought it? He owes her an apology as well. 

You should not replace her. Bridesmaids are nearest and dearest friends, not replaceable props. Think about how the replacement would feel. Don't hurt any more feelings or cause more damage than you've already caused. Even numbers don't matter... if Kate chooses not to be a BM, then you'll have one less BM on the day of the wedding. No big deal at all. 

glasgowtolondon

Yeah, sure, pp's are the ones taking things way out of context.....

Sleep on this, then reread in the morning. Hopefully you will see what all of us see.

Then call kate and invite her meet you for a glass of wine and give her the apology you owe her. Pray she accepts and truly means it. 

ShesSoCold

Nice quote, @flantastic.

[Deleted User]

zerostarzombie said:

Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.

Thank you .  

I'm sorry, but what kind of response were you expecting that we didn't deliver?  Seriously.

That Bitch!  How dare she put other things in her life in front of your pre-wedding parties!  Kick her to the fucking curb!  Screw a 13 year friendship, she's dead to you.  If she can't provide you with the proper amount of attention, she doesn't DESERVE to be in your presence let alone a place of honor in your WEDDING!!!!  Fuck that shit!

How's that?

And deleting your post was pointless since you were quoted, but good try.

flantastic

You realize that it's on you to provide the context, right? Looks like you gave context a pretty good college try with the length of your post.

madamerwin

zerostarzombie said:

Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.

Thank you .  

OP, in case you did not notice, deleting your post does nothing, since @flantastic had the foresight to quote you. 

Unless you left out some major details, I don't think any of your post was taken out of context. You have wildly unrealistic and unfair expectations of your bridal party if you think your friend, who works 70 hours per week, is being shitty for not making you her first priority in life.

And to most people, someone close to them having a baby (she's the godmother, no less) is far more important than a close friend getting married. A wedding is basically a party to most guests; a baby is forever.

My advice: Apologize to your friend for being so self-centered. DO NOT replace her or sit her down to "explain" anything. All that is required of her is to show up, on time for the ceremony, relatively sober and in proper attire. That's it.

Attendance at pre-wedding parties is not required. Attendance at the rehearsal isn't required. I had one bridesmaid who could not attend any of these things - she flew in very late the night before the wedding and managed to walk down the aisle and stand in the right place without rehearsing. It's not hard to do. And guess what? I was SO happy she was able and willing to be in the wedding, especially considering she got married the weekend before. Be happy your friend wants to be part of your wedding, especially considering how you have been treating her.

Just because you're getting married does not mean everyone's attention needs to be focused on you all the time. Get over it.

OliveOilsMom

Baby trumps wedding, every single time.  Remember that OP.  It will serve you well in life.

I feel really bad for your friend.  She works like crazy, mostly likely to SUPPORT herself, and all you want to do is bash her for that.  I say good for her!

If your friend has been working this schedule for a while, she has probably always been this busy and forgetful of dates.  So did you think she would change her ways just because you are getting married? 

Also, bugging her for a food choice 37 days out?  Calm down, slow your roll, have a margarita (or 4) and simmer down.  When you are a week from your catering numbers being due, send her a text that reads "Friend, food choices are due to the caterer on Friday.  If I don't hear from you by Thursday, I will select the chicken option for you."

Also, why is your RD floating around a 4 hour time period?  And why is it during the day of a Friday.  Please do not expect every single WP member to attend that.  If I were a WP member, I'd say I can't make it.  I'm not using a vacation day to attend your RD that doesn't even have a proper start time.  I mean - you are 37 days away!  Get that locked down!

TrixieJess

OP I was once in a wedding and I was working 2 jobs that was the equivalent of 60 hours a week, yes, it was my choice. It was my choice to pay for university, rent, food and clothes. The bride was miffed because I couldn't make all the pre-wedding parties or beck and calls that she wanted us to run. Let's put it this way, we aren't friends anymore. 

My advice: Step back, grow up. 

OurWildKingdom

PPs covered it, but with your apology, I would suggest asking her, "What can I do to make things better between us or make your life easier?"

I totally empathize with Kate. I've worked 60 hours+ a week at multiple jobs more than once, and I have no idea how I did it. 50 hours a week at two jobs, plus caring for the house and the animals, plus going to at least three recovery meetings a week, plus the odd freelance gig on top of wedding planning is no picnic, but I know it's going to be worth it. I also know not to expect anything of our BMs other than show up on time, sober, and appropriately dressed. Two live out of state, three have chronic medical conditions, and the last is busy homeschooling her teenage daughter, fostering animals, and generally living life. 

OP, I suggest considering how you would feel in Kate's shoes.

ETA: I read everything again, and I am just speechless. Going to end here before I say something really rude.

bleve0821

Wait, OP, you told this poor woman she should come to your bridal shower before the baby shower held in honor of the woman who is carrying the child to whom she is a godmother? I've been driving all day so forgive me if my response seems brusque. Or don't. That's entirely up to you.

Bottom line, you need to stop micromanaging your friends lives. They do not exist to respond to every one of your beck and calls. They do not exist to shower you with gifts of any kind in any manner. There is no "Bridesmaid Handbook " and even if there were, nowhere in its pages would it say that your bridesmaids are expected to attend every one of your pre-wedding parties. If your friend says she's going to be at your wedding, then trust that she will be there. It's really not your business to know whether or not  she requested time off for your wedding, or for you to be involved in her decision to take time off at all. If I were her, I probably wouldn't want to show up if it meant supporting a friend who does not support my commitments or my Life Choices. Neither of which are really any of your business. 

As you can tell, this post hit a nerve. This is no way to treat friends.

ETA no, I'm not done. I don't know what was "taken out of context," but for me, the fact that you insisted she skip this baby shower to go to your bridal shower really pissed me off. Essentially, you demanded that she put you first above anything or anyone else without once stopping to consider the impact you are having on the lives of the people around you. That's the context I saw.

MyNameIsNot

In what context would it be ok to throw a fit that a grown woman with a full time+ job and other responsibilities is not paying enough attention to you?

Unless you are literally a toddler, there is no context in which you should be behaving this way.  You need to get a grip and apologize to this poor girl. 

indigo26

OP let me provide some "context" for you on my Maid of Honor...

She lives at home and has minimal, if any, bills to pay. She works part time at a craft store. She spends most of her time designing cosplays and going to various conventions (which is funded by her parents and her part time job). She has not thrown me a shower, has not planned a bachelorette party, and has not volunteered to be my brideslave for my DIY projects. I found her dress (with lots of input from her), bought it, and shipped it to her. By your standards, I'm sure she has failed every bridesmaid "test" there is. And you know what?

I DON'T CARE!!!!

She is my maid of honor because of our friendship. She is an adult and free to live her own life as she sees fit. Her only duty is to show up on the day of my wedding, take some pics with me, and walk down an aisle. That's it!!

Your friendship should be more important than this drama. How she lives her life is not yours to govern and you owe her an apology for thinking that her life should revolve around yours. 

madamerwin

indigo26 said:

OP let me provide some "context" for you on my Maid of Honor...

She lives at home and has minimal, if any, bills to pay. She works part time at a craft store. She spends most of her time designing cosplays and going to various conventions (which is funded by her parents and her part time job). She has not thrown me a shower, has not planned a bachelorette party, and has not volunteered to be my brideslave for my DIY projects. I found her dress (with lots of input from her), bought it, and shipped it to her. By your standards, I'm sure she has failed every bridesmaid "test" there is. And you know what?

I DON'T CARE!!!!

She is my maid of honor because of our friendship. She is an adult and free to live her own life as she sees fit. Her only duty is to show up on the day of my wedding, take some pics with me, and walk down an aisle. That's it!!

Your friendship should be more important than this drama. How she lives her life is not yours to govern and you owe her an apology for thinking that her life should revolve around yours. 

You want to hear about MY maid of honor? That bitch moved to Australia six months before my wedding. Can you imagine?! How dare she move across the world to pursue a graduate degree so close to my wedding! She did not throw me a shower. She was able to attend the bachelorette, but she had no hand in planning it because she only came back to the states, via multiple flights that doubtless cost her a small fortune and a day and a half of her life, three days before the wedding. 

But guess what? None of that shit matters. She has been a wonderful, supportive friend for many years, and I was just thrilled that she was willing to spend the time and money to come half-way across the earth tostand by me as I got married.

Priorities. 

indigo26

@madamerwin  OMG your MOH was totes worse than mine is! I mean how DARE these women have lives and dreams of their own?! We obviously need to find better friends who will bow down and make us the center of their lives! /sarcasm

*eyeroll*

OurWildKingdom

@madamerwin, you had the best MOH ever. Seriously.

CMGragain

zerostarzombie said:

Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.

Thank you .  

No, we only read what you wrote.  What you wrote makes you look very self centered.  You are more concerned about your shower and your wedding than you are about your "best friend".  Think about it.

Your MOH's job is to show up at your wedding, wearing the dress and reasonably sober.  She stands up with you, holds your bouquet while you exchange vows, and poses for pictures.  That is all.  What more are you expecting?

tigerlily6

So. Much. RAGRET.

zerostarzombie

Thank you for all of your input.

I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.

I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.

I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.

charlotte989875

zerostarzombie said:

Thank you for all of your input.

I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.

I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.

I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.

I'm glad that you apologized to your friend. But for someone who you say doesn't put in any effort it sounds like she's trying to make things work with a busy schedule. 

I know wedding planning can be stressful between making sure everything gets done and planned on time and trying to balance that with everything else you have going on.  However that's not an excuse to treat people poorly or get upset with people who have no responsibility to plan your wedding for you. 

Find some ways to distress, take a break from thinking about and planning the wedding, take the weekend to do things you like to do. Have some wine. Or cupcakes. Or wine and cupcakes. Or wine flavored cupcakes. If you are "stressed out beyond belief" then you need to find ways to calm down and relax.