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What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]

edited April 2016 in Wedding Party

Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.

Thank you.  


Edit: Thanks for all of your input. I typed this out way too quickly on break at work before thinking. Thank you all for telling me how horrible I am. I appreciate it. I have never been married before and am only 22, I am just confused and have no idea how any of this works. My mom has been pretty much telling me the opposite of everyone here. I love Kate with all my heart and her friendship to me means more than the world, which is why I came to ask for help because I was confused on what to do. I'm sorry if this struck a nerve with most of you. I did not want to start a thread on how horrible and self centered I am. I stupidly typed out before thinking, considering the whole story isn't even here.


So thank you for your input. Sorry for all of trouble I've cause some of you. Thanks for letting me know how horribly I was thinking.

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Re: What to do with a Bridesmaid who doesn't put in effort? [deleted]

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2016
    It doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong at all. She didn't have to come to your shower or bach, so her behavior there is irrelevant. It's a little annoying that she's been unresponsive, but just pick a meal for her then. There should be no reason you even need to know that info 37 days out, so she probably assumes it's not urgent. People are not replaceable.

    What on earth are you wanting to explain to her?

    Anniversary

    OurWildKingdomYogaSandyPrettyGirlLostSP29
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers

    Kick this bitch's ass.


    Seriously though, your expectations are way out of line. This woman works nearly double the typical full-time work week and you are not the only thing in her life.

    Why would she need to thank your mom for throwing you a shower? What in the hell does that have to do with her? And you're upset that she didn't buy you a shower gift in advance? Say that out loud. Does that really sound okay to you? What timeframe is acceptable for her to purchase a gift, in your opinion?

    Edited because I'm not done.

    You sound incredibly judgmental of her life. You said "she works 70 hours a week, by choice". WTF? You don't like that she works a lot of hours? How dare this bitch work to pay her bills!

    And you put godmother in quotes and said "being deemed godmother". Whether it is to you or not, being a godmother is a big effing deal to some people. And clearly to her, it's a bigger deal than your wedding.

    Your wedding is not the most important thing in everyone's life. FFS, you need to get over yourself.

    I agree with everything except the bolded. I think it is always proper to thank a host for including and hosting you in an event. She wouldn't be thanking her for having the shower for the Bride, just thanking for inviting her to the party.
    OurWildKingdomJediElizabethSP29
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Kick this bitch's ass.


    Seriously though, your expectations are way out of line. This woman works nearly double the typical full-time work week and you are not the only thing in her life.

    Why would she need to thank your mom for throwing you a shower? What in the hell does that have to do with her? And you're upset that she didn't buy you a shower gift in advance? Say that out loud. Does that really sound okay to you? What timeframe is acceptable for her to purchase a gift, in your opinion?

    Edited because I'm not done.

    You sound incredibly judgmental of her life. You said "she works 70 hours a week, by choice". WTF? You don't like that she works a lot of hours? How dare this bitch work to pay her bills!

    And you put godmother in quotes and said "being deemed godmother". Whether it is to you or not, being a godmother is a big effing deal to some people. And clearly to her, it's a bigger deal than your wedding.

    Your wedding is not the most important thing in everyone's life. FFS, you need to get over yourself.

    I agree with everything except the bolded. I think it is always proper to thank a host for including and hosting you in an event. She wouldn't be thanking her for having the shower for the Bride, just thanking for inviting her to the party.
    Okay, but bitching about it on the internet level? Why does she even know that her mom hasn't been thanked?

    Anniversary

    ShesSoColdglasgowtolondonOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    @Ilovebeachmusic that makes sense. I interpreted it like OP thinks BM should have thanked the mom for having the shower, not inviting her. Thanks.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Kate's duty as a bridesmaid is to be in the proper attire, on your wedding day.  She doesn't have to attend your shower (or help clean up/take out gifts), attend your bachelorette, and if she can't make the RD, I'm sure someone can let her know where she's standing on wedding day.  Every wedding I've been in has been the same old routine, a rehearsal isn't mandatory. 
    Also, just curious, but why were the shower invitations sent out 3 months in advance?  Wedding invites don't even go out that far off.  And why does it matter when she purchased your shower gift?
    Planning a wedding can be stressful at times but try not to let Kate be part of that stress, she hasn't technically broken BM code, so to speak.
    OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusicSP29

  • Our wedding is in 37 days. I'm just wondering if I'm supposed to replace her, or just hope that she shows? She's just...I don't know. I'm stressed. Should I sit her down, AGAIN, and explain it to her, or let her go?

    Why on earth would you think you're "supposed to replace her"? Did she smack you on her way out the door at your shower and you glossed over that? Or do something equally as reprehensible? Because from your narrative (which I assume puts you in the best light, since you're telling the story) she just seems flakey and bad with dates. And really fucking busy, working 70 hours a week.

    She's not required to attend any of your pre-wedding parties. She's not required to care about any of your pre-wedding parties. All she's required to do, as a part of your wedding party, is show up the day of, relatively sober, smiling, and in the outfit of your choosing (within her budget). If she doesn't do that she's removed herself from your wedding party and you have your answer on where your relationship stands. But if you kick her out of your wedding party you're choosing to end the friendship. And if you replace her you're being a shitty friend to two people, since you'd be telling a different friend "You weren't good enough to be in my wedding party but now we have uneven sides and you're the best prop I could find".

    Also, why do you need her meal choice a month and a half before you wedding date? Does your caterer just have a terrible timeline and all your guests are expected to RSVP/choose their meals ridiculously far in advance or is this just her punishment for being uncommunicative?

    You need to chill out and seriously lower your expectations. She doesn't need to chat with your other bridesmaids. She doesn't need to go to your parties. She doesn't even need to go to the rehearsal if she doesn't want to/can't manage with her incredibly busy schedule.

    Take a breath, have a glass of wine, take a bath or a long walk or masturbate or something, anything to chill out and realize you asked her to be in your bridal party because you love her and want to honor her, not just to have a prop to stand near you on your wedding day.
    [Deleted User]onefootinthebayou
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Nice quote, @flantastic.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    [Deleted User]madamerwin
  • Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.


    Thank you .  

    OP, in case you did not notice, deleting your post does nothing, since @flantastic had the foresight to quote you. 

    Unless you left out some major details, I don't think any of your post was taken out of context. You have wildly unrealistic and unfair expectations of your bridal party if you think your friend, who works 70 hours per week, is being shitty for not making you her first priority in life.

    And to most people, someone close to them having a baby (she's the godmother, no less) is far more important than a close friend getting married. A wedding is basically a party to most guests; a baby is forever.

    My advice: Apologize to your friend for being so self-centered. DO NOT replace her or sit her down to "explain" anything. All that is required of her is to show up, on time for the ceremony, relatively sober and in proper attire. That's it.

    Attendance at pre-wedding parties is not required. Attendance at the rehearsal isn't required. I had one bridesmaid who could not attend any of these things - she flew in very late the night before the wedding and managed to walk down the aisle and stand in the right place without rehearsing. It's not hard to do. And guess what? I was SO happy she was able and willing to be in the wedding, especially considering she got married the weekend before. Be happy your friend wants to be part of your wedding, especially considering how you have been treating her.

    Just because you're getting married does not mean everyone's attention needs to be focused on you all the time. Get over it.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensSP29
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2016
    Wait, OP, you told this poor woman she should come to your bridal shower before the baby shower held in honor of the woman who is carrying the child to whom she is a godmother? I've been driving all day so forgive me if my response seems brusque. Or don't. That's entirely up to you.

    Bottom line, you need to stop micromanaging your friends lives. They do not exist to respond to every one of your beck and calls. They do not exist to shower you with gifts of any kind in any manner. There is no "Bridesmaid Handbook " and even if there were, nowhere in its pages would it say that your bridesmaids are expected to attend every one of your pre-wedding parties. If your friend says she's going to be at your wedding, then trust that she will be there. It's really not your business to know whether or not  she requested time off for your wedding, or for you to be involved in her decision to take time off at all. If I were her, I probably wouldn't want to show up if it meant supporting a friend who does not support my commitments or my Life Choices. Neither of which are really any of your business. 

    As you can tell, this post hit a nerve. This is no way to treat friends.

    ETA no, I'm not done. I don't know what was "taken out of context," but for me, the fact that you insisted she skip this baby shower to go to your bridal shower really pissed me off. Essentially, you demanded that she put you first above anything or anyone else without once stopping to consider the impact you are having on the lives of the people around you. That's the context I saw.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    OurWildKingdom[Deleted User]InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMom
  • OP let me provide some "context" for you on my Maid of Honor...

    She lives at home and has minimal, if any, bills to pay. She works part time at a craft store. She spends most of her time designing cosplays and going to various conventions (which is funded by her parents and her part time job). She has not thrown me a shower, has not planned a bachelorette party, and has not volunteered to be my brideslave for my DIY projects. I found her dress (with lots of input from her), bought it, and shipped it to her. By your standards, I'm sure she has failed every bridesmaid "test" there is. And you know what?

    I DON'T CARE!!!!

    She is my maid of honor because of our friendship. She is an adult and free to live her own life as she sees fit. Her only duty is to show up on the day of my wedding, take some pics with me, and walk down an aisle. That's it!!

    Your friendship should be more important than this drama. How she lives her life is not yours to govern and you owe her an apology for thinking that her life should revolve around yours. 
    OurWildKingdomtigerlily6SP29ahoywedding
  • @madamerwin  OMG your MOH was totes worse than mine is! I mean how DARE these women have lives and dreams of their own?! We obviously need to find better friends who will bow down and make us the center of their lives! /sarcasm

    *eyeroll*
    [Deleted User]SP29
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited April 2016
    @madamerwin, you had the best MOH ever. Seriously.
    madamerwin
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016

    Deleted because this whole post was read out of context.


    Thank you .  

    No, we only read what you wrote.  What you wrote makes you look very self centered.  You are more concerned about your shower and your wedding than you are about your "best friend".  Think about it.

    Your MOH's job is to show up at your wedding, wearing the dress and reasonably sober.  She stands up with you, holds your bouquet while you exchange vows, and poses for pictures.  That is all.  What more are you expecting?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    OurWildKingdomSP29
  • Thank you for all of your input.

    I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.

    I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.

    I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.

  • Thank you for all of your input.

    I'm not trying to shame her or anything. What the point I was trying to get at was that she didn't seem to care or put forth any effort to our friendship, not just the wedding, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I typed this very quickly while on a work break yesterday.

    I don't have a maid of honor. I am only 22, and never been in a wedding or at one. I had no idea of these things outside of my mother's input. I am not self centered, just stressed out beyond belief. I apologize if I seemingly upset everyone who pretty much called me out on being a horrible person.

    I love Kate with all my heart. That's why I DID apologize to her after what my mom said and treated her like.

    I'm glad that you apologized to your friend. But for someone who you say doesn't put in any effort it sounds like she's trying to make things work with a busy schedule. 

    I know wedding planning can be stressful between making sure everything gets done and planned on time and trying to balance that with everything else you have going on.  However that's not an excuse to treat people poorly or get upset with people who have no responsibility to plan your wedding for you. 

    Find some ways to distress, take a break from thinking about and planning the wedding, take the weekend to do things you like to do. Have some wine. Or cupcakes. Or wine and cupcakes. Or wine flavored cupcakes. If you are "stressed out beyond belief" then you need to find ways to calm down and relax. 
    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMomSP29ernursej
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