Invites with two rsvp dates

[Deleted User]

Wondering if anyone has done this before?

 I'm getting married early September and for several reasons which I won't get into, I feel like I need to send my invites on the early side (1st week of June) and have one RSVP date 6 weeks out from wedding in order to be able to quickly mail out new invites once I get back any no's and then those invites will have an rsvp date one week before the wedding. 

geebee908

Knottie1452126447 said:

Wondering if anyone has done this before?

 I'm getting married early September and for several reasons which I won't get into, I feel like I need to send my invites on the early side (1st week of June) and have one RSVP date 6 weeks out from wedding in order to be able to quickly mail out new invites once I get back any no's and then those invites will have an rsvp date one week before the wedding. 

B-listing is a big no-no and those who get those invites with an RSVP date only a week before the wedding will know they're second string and likely be offended. Send out invitations to the guests you know you'll be able to host, and if you get declines, you'll either be able to save those costs or upgrade your food or drink options with that money.

ETA: Where's that pity invite video? Can someone help me out?

crowsgirl15

Knottie1452126447 said:

Wondering if anyone has done this before?

 I'm getting married early September and for several reasons which I won't get into, I feel like I need to send my invites on the early side (1st week of June) and have one RSVP date 6 weeks out from wedding in order to be able to quickly mail out new invites once I get back any no's and then those invites will have an rsvp date one week before the wedding. 

Definitely don't B List.

I'm also curious for the "Reasons" as to why you "need" to send invites out early.

Be considerate of your guests. Make one guest list, and send invites 6 weeks before the wedding. That will solve your problem.

[Deleted User]

If the "B listers" get the invitation 6 weeks before the wedding (which is a normal time to receive it anyway) how would they know they are B listers? I'm sending out the first batch of invitations early with an earlier RSVP date, to be able to send to B list 6 weeks out. There are about 6 family members that I've been told I HAVE to invite but will most likely not attend. I'm not going to run the risk of sending an extra 6 invites out, but if they do decline I'd like the opportunity to still invite others.

glasgowtolondon

Oooh, so who are the lucky guests on the b-list??? Is the reason you 'need' to do this because your venue is not large enough to hold all the guests you would like to attend?

The answer to your question is yes. Yes, lots of rude couples have b-listed their guests before. Some have probably even c-listed. Is that a group you really want to join? It's rude. And if you do it, then you will be a rude person. Good luck with that.

banana468

Knottie1452126447 said:

If the "B listers" get the invitation 6 weeks before the wedding (which is a normal time to receive it anyway) how would they know they are B listers? I'm sending out the first batch of invitations early with an earlier RSVP date, to be able to send to B list 6 weeks out. There are about 6 family members that I've been told I HAVE to invite but will most likely not attend. I'm not going to run the risk of sending an extra 6 invites out, but if they do decline I'd like the opportunity to still invite others.

But what about the people who have to decline because they don't know because you picked a response date that's absurdly early?

You don't *need* to do this.   You're choosing to.   And this is a bad choice to make because you run the risk of getting more declines simply because your date is far too early. 

geebee908

Knottie1452126447 said:

If the "B listers" get the invitation 6 weeks before the wedding (which is a normal time to receive it anyway) how would they know they are B listers? I'm sending out the first batch of invitations early with an earlier RSVP date, to be able to send to B list 6 weeks out. There are about 6 family members that I've been told I HAVE to invite but will most likely not attend. I'm not going to run the risk of sending an extra 6 invites out, but if they do decline I'd like the opportunity to still invite others.

Your A-listers will know you're B-listing from their early RSVP date, and if anyone of them should talk to your B-list invitees about how freaking early they have to RSVP for your wedding, the B-listers will figure it out. It's not generally something that you can keep from getting out.

[Deleted User]

wow harsh much? 

flantastic

Knottie1452126447 said:

wow harsh much? 

It's a really rude thing to do to your guests. Would you prefer we find a sunshiny way to say that?

OurWildKingdom

Knottie1452126447 said:

wow harsh much? 

You ask a question, you get answers. Some you won't like. B-listing is an incredibly rude thing to do, no matter what you call it or what excuse you may have. You can listen to PPs or risk alienating your guests. Your call.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, definitely asking for a better way to do it. It's really judgmental for someone to come down on you without knowing ANY of the circumstances surrounding your wedding, your family, what situation you're in, etc. To write someone off as rude for doing something you don't agree with is pretty ridiculous. We all know how complicated weddings can get and I think most people try to do things with the best intention, trying to satisfy the many parties involve.

geebee908

Knottie1452126447 said:

wow harsh much? 

Blunt is the word you want. It's much better to hear the honest truth from strangers than to have your loved ones talking about your rude behavior.

[Deleted User]

I can take blunt but saying "no, it's rude" is such a simple response to what clearly is a more complicated situation. Anyway thanks, I guess?

glasgowtolondon

But its not complicated. Don't b-list. Simple.

geebee908

Knottie1452126447 said:

Yeah, definitely asking for a better way to do it. It's really judgmental for someone to come down on you without knowing ANY of the circumstances surrounding your wedding, your family, what situation you're in, etc. To write someone off as rude for doing something you don't agree with is pretty ridiculous. We all know how complicated weddings can get and I think most people try to do things with the best intention, trying to satisfy the many parties involve.

Rude is rude. People will understand if you can't invite everyone you want to your wedding; most people know there aren't generally unlimited funds. You make a choice on the guest list and stick to it, and if familial politics is coming into play you need to say we don't have room to invite everyone, so who are we cutting from your side to make room for these "have to have" people. Stick to a single list; it's really not that complicated.

flantastic

Knottie1452126447 said:

I can take blunt but saying "no, it's rude" is such a simple response to what clearly is a more complicated situation. Anyway thanks, I guess?

It's not more complicated, though. All of us were probably told that there was someone we "have" to invite and didn't particularly want to. If the person saying that was contributing money, we probably found a way to make it work and then we didn't get to invite some people we wanted, which is how life works. Or we declined the money and/or found a backbone, and said, "No."

I am in the "said no" camp. My FI spoke to his mother about it. We set boundaries for our lives, and we weren't rude to any guests by B-listing.

[Deleted User]

The internet provides more advice than knot members it seems. http://www.kaileymichelle.com/wedding-invitation-b-list/

flantastic

Knottie1452126447 said:

The internet provides more advice than knot members it seems. http://www.kaileymichelle.com/wedding-invitation-b-list/

Right, because people (especially those who stand to make money off it) never advise others to do rude things, and rude things have never been done at other weddings.

[Deleted User]

Okay.  Suppose you invite 100 people to your wedding that can fit 100 people.  40 of them RSVP 'no' by your ridiculously early RSVP date.  You're thrilled and send invitations to another 40 people.  Everybody says yes.  You have 100 people coming to your wedding.  Fantastic.  Two weeks before your wedding, your favorite aunt and her family of four who you invited and said they couldn't make it manage to change their plans and call you up to say, "yay, they can go!"  The same day, 16 of your sorority sisters who you invited and said they couldn't make it, who had other plans decide they'd rather attend your wedding, call you up and say, "yay, they can go!"  You're now 20 people over your budget and fire code.  Who are you kicking out?  "Sorry, Aunt Marge, when you said you couldn't come, I invited other people in your place.  Now that you can come, I don't have a seat for you.  Thanks for changing all your plans for yourself, Uncle Homer, and cousins Bart and Lisa, but since you said you couldn't come, I can't accommodate you now."  That's gonna feel awesome, isn't it, OP?  "Thanks sorority sisters, for each paying $100 for a flight change so you could attend my wedding.  But I gave away your spots.  You can't come."

ShesSoCold

Deleted user already? Geese, you guys are big meanies.

glasgowtolondon

OP, ypu can find something on the internet to back up any bad idea you want. Internet links to some website I've never heard of doesn't make me any less certain that b-listing is rude.

Look, you are free to do as you wish and I'm sure you will. However you can never say that no one told you this was rude. You know now.

I hope your guests on the b-list never find out, because it's no way to treat people. Your wedding is no excuse to treat people poorly, it's just a big party at the end of the day. I really hope you reconsider.

glasgowtolondon

@ShesSoCold made my friday night!

flantastic

glasgowtolondon said:

OP, ypu can find something on the internet to back up any bad idea you want. Internet links to some website I've never heard of doesn't make me any less certain that b-listing is rude.

Look, you are free to do as you wish and I'm sure you will. However you can never say that no one told you this was rude. You know now.

I hope your guests on the b-list never find out, because it's no way to treat people. Your wedding is no excuse to treat people poorly, it's just a big party at the end of the day. I really hope you reconsider.

To be fair, she knew it was rude when she posted. I'm pretty sure she wasn't asking for advice on how to print RSVP cards with two dates, but more like "Did your family find out? Did they hate you, or did it work out okay?"

MesmrEwe

Just like finding 4 out of 5 Dentists to agree that brushing is bad for your teeth, the internet is chock full of places that will reinforce rude behavior.  OP - if you do come back - no one ever wants to be a second-class guest.  Plan the wedding you can afford to host and if fewer people show up, great.  Don't plan 100 guests and find a way to fill that number of seats in a room to hold 99. 

glasgowtolondon

flantastic said:

show previous quotes

glasgowtolondon said:

OP, ypu can find something on the internet to back up any bad idea you want. Internet links to some website I've never heard of doesn't make me any less certain that b-listing is rude.

Look, you are free to do as you wish and I'm sure you will. However you can never say that no one told you this was rude. You know now.

I hope your guests on the b-list never find out, because it's no way to treat people. Your wedding is no excuse to treat people poorly, it's just a big party at the end of the day. I really hope you reconsider.

To be fair, she knew it was rude when she posted. I'm pretty sure she wasn't asking for advice on how to print RSVP cards with two dates, but more like "Did your family find out? Did they hate you, or did it work out okay?"

Well she could have spared us the butthurt! 

flantastic

glasgowtolondon said:

show previous quotes

flantastic said:

glasgowtolondon said:

OP, ypu can find something on the internet to back up any bad idea you want. Internet links to some website I've never heard of doesn't make me any less certain that b-listing is rude.

Look, you are free to do as you wish and I'm sure you will. However you can never say that no one told you this was rude. You know now.

I hope your guests on the b-list never find out, because it's no way to treat people. Your wedding is no excuse to treat people poorly, it's just a big party at the end of the day. I really hope you reconsider.

To be fair, she knew it was rude when she posted. I'm pretty sure she wasn't asking for advice on how to print RSVP cards with two dates, but more like "Did your family find out? Did they hate you, or did it work out okay?"

Well she could have spared us the butthurt! 

Seriously. That link she posted is pretty funny - "If you don't do this carefully and people find out, they're liable to feel like second fiddle." "If the A-listers ask why the RSVP date is so early, lie and say it's the caterer!"

hyechica81

she called us rude let her go to the other wedding website board. I hear they promote b listing and everything else that is rude 

AzAnnie

I love the article she posted which basically says you have to be careful that people don't find out.  If you have to hide what you are doing, you are probably doing something wrong!!!

Viczaesar

[Deleted User] said:

I can take blunt but saying "no, it's rude" is such a simple response to what clearly is a more complicated situation. Anyway thanks, I guess?

No, it's actually not a complicated situation.  This is a black and white situation.  There are no circumstances that make it okay to B-list, period. 

geebee908

flantastic said:

Seriously. That link she posted is pretty funny - "If you don't do this carefully and people find out, they're liable to feel like second fiddle." "If the A-listers ask why the RSVP date is so early, lie and say it's the caterer!"

You know what's complicated? Doing something rude while trying to maintain the appearance that you're not doing something rude.

ernursej

This was entertaining. I love the internet. You can always find a site to support any behaviour/idea.