Snarky Brides

Vent/Warning about letting your folks pay for your wedding

My parents and I haven't gotten along since a family feud with my dad's dead brother's family.  They took my uncle's family. I was called many names my many people. My grandmother sent me a card from the hospital saying why do I insist on punishing my family. I was told by my brother, grandma and another cousin that my dad will always stick by my uncle's family because that's his dead brother's kid. I'm just his daughter.

I got engaged during the good times. I wanted a small wedding.  My fiance wanted a small wedding. My parents wanted a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. Mom's words: I went to the weddings of all of my friends' kids and now it is payback time. Mom said I could have the wedding I wanted. I asked her not to invite my dead uncle's family unless we talk to them first. She said okay. A week later she said no. We have to invite them. I was livid. I went and had a conversation with them for the first time in 10 years. They called my mom to complain. Mom said she was cutting me off unless I agree to her viewpoint on the feud. I said hell no. I cancelled the venue and paid for our wedding myself. Mother was called me back many times teary eyed.  She promised she would stick up for me. She had opportunities. She never did.

She said she would pay for it if she could just have a party for my uncle's family new daughter in law the day after. I said no. I was also furious she didn't want the family to spend time with my fiance or inlaws. I was pissed at the suggestion.

We cancelled the venue and got a much smaller one. I decided to be a bigger person and invite them. They got no say in the wedding. They were not allowed to plan. It was so small we weren't going to have a processional. My dad was upset that we didn't get to walk me down the aisle. I had a loong talk with him about sticking up for me. He said he would in the future. I gave in.

8 months post wedding my parents are placating me and saying "what my family did was wrong." They are also agreeing with the comments my family is making about me. I feel betrayed.

When your family is offering you to pay, beware. My mom was more interested in having a party for image purposes than she was in a relationship with a daughter.

Re: Vent/Warning about letting your folks pay for your wedding

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    One more vent about this. When my mom was paying for the wedding, a down payment was put for a venue of 100 people. I asked my inlaws to collect 33 names of people they wanted to invite. They said will only invite 11. My husband and I took 34. My mom got the rest 55. Mom asked me to change some of my friends to "cousins" since they were friends to. To make numbers meet, I cut out plus ones for my single friends. Mom then said she could invite over the 100 person limit because people wouldn't come anyway and she was paying for it.

    I know there are many theories on this. However, it is so rude to invite more people than the room allows because they are your guests.
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    lnixon8lnixon8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Glad you figured out a way to have wedding that suits you.

    Your story also goes to show that weddings and "happy times" do not change people. Your family was made up of jerks before you were married, acted like jerks while planning, and continue to be jerks. 

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    The whole feud started because I swore at a teenage 10 years ago. She teased me and I said who the f bomb said it. Her dad is dead and my parents took her side.
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    The whole feud started because I swore at a teenage 10 years ago. She teased me and I said who the f bomb said it. Her dad is dead and my parents took her side.
    Did you ever apologize? 
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    Here is how the conversation went:
    Me: How is school? 
    16YO: I hate f bomb school.
    Me: How is horseback riding?
    16YO:  I hate f bomb horseback riding.
    Me: Do you have a boyfriend? 
    16YO: Oh yes! I have two. One I really love and another one I use to make the one I really love jealous. Another cousin suggests I do that.
    Me (26 and never had a boyfriend): Wow. The family must think I'm really weird for not doing that type of thing.
    16YO: Actually, they dont think you are your own person. 
    Me: Who said that?
    16YO: I dont have to tell you f bomb sh bomb.
    Me: Tell me who the f bomb said it.
    16YO: she said f bomb to me.

    The kid grew up to be a drunk driver and a beauty school drop out.  She later admitted to starting this to for the sole person of being mean. When asked if she cares that has caused rifts, she said I dont give a f bomb  sh bomb.

    Yes. I did apologize nicely. I was yelled at for the way I apologized. I was told by my grandmother how horrible I am on my hospital bed. My mother called me an ugly b who does care who I hurt.

    I made a mistake. I didn't deserve this.
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    Well that escalated quickly. I would stop talking with these people. They sounds horrible. Glad you had the wedding you wanted, good move.
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    Holy crap! Your mum sounds like a peach.
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    She was on her best behavior during the wedding. I am mad she didn't follow through on supporting me. 

    Looking back. She wanted to throw a party that I didn't want. Then, she wanted me to be grateful for the party I didn't want. 

    I did her a huge favor by inviting her. 
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    I do sympathize.  My late mother had full blown narcissistic personality disorder.  My wedding (from her viewpoint) was an opportunity to wear a beautiful gown and show off for her relatives.  The fact that I was marrying a man from a prominent family fueled her fires.  My MIL was aghast at the thought of the marriage.  They didn't speak - ever.
    My small wedding was still very difficult and drama filled, and I do not remember it with pleasure.  Mom was in her "ME! ME! ME!" mode.   However, I do remember the past 40 years of happy marriage with great nostalgia and happiness.
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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Yep, weddings don't change people, if anything, they bring out the worst. Sorry your parents weren't there for you in the way you wanted them to be.

    I'm glad in the end you had the wedding you wanted. I hope you are able to  move past this and realize blood doesn't necessarily mean FAMILY. Enjoy your marriage :)
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    edited May 2016
    AddieCake said:
    I don't understand how a whole fucking family feud started over that fucking conversation. 
    Right???? But then again, my late aunt (uncle's second wife) got pissed at my cousin (from uncle's first marriage) about a tuna sandwich when the cousin in question was about 12. She wasn't welcome to visit for several years. Amazing the things people choose to stay angry about.

    OP, I'm really sorry that happened to you and glad you had the wedding you wanted regardless. I'm also sorry your family is still acting like jerks. You apologized long ago; they need to let it go or at least quit abusing you.
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