Wedding Party

HELP!!!! What to do about a problem bridesmaid??

Hi there--

My wedding is next weekend and one of my bridesmaids has really just sent me over the edge and I would to hear some opinion about what to do in this situation.

This bridesmaid and I have been friends since we were 10 years old and we were very close all through high school and most of college. After college, however, this friend started to drift away from the our friend group and every time she would attend something we'd invite her to, she would always drink too much, get out of control and make a scene. My best friend and I have had multiple talks with her over the years about her drinking and how we'd like her to seek help because we are worried about her wellbeing.  She has always brushed it off and blamed other people or other events in her life for her behavior and never once took responsibility for her actions.

Because of her issues with alcohol, I was hesitant to ask her to be a bridesmaid but we have been friends for so long and I used to love the friend she was. In recent years we haven't been that close, so I was on the fence about asking her to be in the wedding. We got together shortly after my engagement because she said she wanted to take me out to celebrate. She said she was so happy for me and that she was really hoping that she could be a bridesmaid since we had grown up together. I decided to ask her because I thought that she did truly value our friendship and that she would be able to keep it together for my wedding since she wanted to be a BM.

Fast forward to when the actual events begin....

-My sister had a dinner at my parents house for the bridesmaids so that they could get to know one another and so they could discuss the shower and bachelorette. She said she couldn't attend the dinner and didn't give an explanation why. This alone would certainly not be a reason to be upset with her, but unfortunately this is just the beginning.

-Our bridesmaid dresses came in and were ready to be picked up and altered in January. All of my BMs except one picked up their dresses in January or February. At the end of March, the bridal shop called me and said I had one bridesmaid who still hadn't picked up her dress yet and they asked if she was still in the wedding. I said yes and that I would be in touch with her. I reached out to her and said that the woman from the bridal shop called and said your dress was still there and she said "oh, sh**, yeah I keep forgetting to go and get it. I'll do that." A few more weeks go by and the shop calls again to say the dress is still there so I decided to go pick it up myself and have her come to meet me to get the dress since it was a month before the wedding and she likely would need to get it altered. I drove 40 minutes to the bridal shop to pick up her dress and we arrange a time for her to come by and pick it up from me. The day she is supposed to pick it up, texts me to tell me she got stuck at work and can't meet me. I ended up dropping the dress off at her apartment later that week because I told her she needed to get it in for alterations quickly as May is prom season.

-She ghosted at my bridal shower brunch in the middle of it without telling anyone she was leaving and never apologized for leaving early or explained why she left. She didn't help my sister and the other BMs set anything up beforehand and didn't say hello to any of my family members that she has known for years.

-The night before my bachelorette party, she calls me crying saying she doesn't have a ride to get there and needs someone to pick her up. I gave her the numbers of two of my other bridesmaids and told her that she could reach out to them and see if they could pick her up.

-She showed up 2 hours late to meet them, which resulted in them getting stuck in traffic and us missing our dinner reservation that night. During the whole weekend she got way too drunk and brought everyone else down because we all had to clean up after her messes each night, which she would casually apologize for the next morning.

-Again, my wedding is next weekend and my future MIL called me yesterday to say she had gotten an email from this BM saying she had a "family emergency" and couldn't attend the rehearsal dinner. I wanted to check in and make sure everything was okay because I hadn't heard anything from her so I ask if everything is okay and she says "Oh, yeah. I lied about the family emergency because I think it sounds better than my actual situation." She then tells me her boyfriend couldn't get the time off work on Friday to drive up with her and doesn't feel comfortable going alone and being around alcohol at the rehearsal dinner without him because of her drinking problem and that she was driving up on Saturday morning now. I didn't respond because I was hurt and angry.

I do understand that she has a drinking problem, we all know this and have been trying to get her to get help for years. I just find it hard to believe that now is when it's all starting to sink it. I want to be supportive of her if she is truly seeking help and wants to rehabilitate herself, but I don't want her to show up late or not show up on Saturday after we've planned for her to be there. I don't know what to say to her to communicate that she has made this whole experience difficult for me and the other girls. I don't know if I should allow her to walk in the wedding because she clearly doesn't value our friendship as much as she said she did if she continuously dropped the ball on the small list of things that were asked of her. PLEASE HELP! What should I do?

«1

Re: HELP!!!! What to do about a problem bridesmaid??

  • Hi there--

    My wedding is next weekend and one of my bridesmaids has really just sent me over the edge and I would to hear some opinion about what to do in this situation.

    This bridesmaid and I have been friends since we were 10 years old and we were very close all through high school and most of college. After college, however, this friend started to drift away from the our friend group and every time she would attend something we'd invite her to, she would always drink too much, get out of control and make a scene. My best friend and I have had multiple talks with her over the years about her drinking and how we'd like her to seek help because we are worried about her wellbeing.  She has always brushed it off and blamed other people or other events in her life for her behavior and never once took responsibility for her actions.

    Because of her issues with alcohol, I was hesitant to ask her to be a bridesmaid but we have been friends for so long and I used to love the friend she was. In recent years we haven't been that close, so I was on the fence about asking her to be in the wedding. We got together shortly after my engagement because she said she wanted to take me out to celebrate. She said she was so happy for me and that she was really hoping that she could be a bridesmaid since we had grown up together. I decided to ask her because I thought that she did truly value our friendship and that she would be able to keep it together for my wedding since she wanted to be a BM.

    Fast forward to when the actual events begin....

    -My sister had a dinner at my parents house for the bridesmaids so that they could get to know one another and so they could discuss the shower and bachelorette. She said she couldn't attend the dinner and didn't give an explanation why. This alone would certainly not be a reason to be upset with her, but unfortunately this is just the beginning.

    -Our bridesmaid dresses came in and were ready to be picked up and altered in January. All of my BMs except one picked up their dresses in January or February. At the end of March, the bridal shop called me and said I had one bridesmaid who still hadn't picked up her dress yet and they asked if she was still in the wedding. I said yes and that I would be in touch with her. I reached out to her and said that the woman from the bridal shop called and said your dress was still there and she said "oh, sh**, yeah I keep forgetting to go and get it. I'll do that." A few more weeks go by and the shop calls again to say the dress is still there so I decided to go pick it up myself and have her come to meet me to get the dress since it was a month before the wedding and she likely would need to get it altered. I drove 40 minutes to the bridal shop to pick up her dress and we arrange a time for her to come by and pick it up from me. The day she is supposed to pick it up, texts me to tell me she got stuck at work and can't meet me. I ended up dropping the dress off at her apartment later that week because I told her she needed to get it in for alterations quickly as May is prom season.

    -She ghosted at my bridal shower brunch in the middle of it without telling anyone she was leaving and never apologized for leaving early or explained why she left. She didn't help my sister and the other BMs set anything up beforehand and didn't say hello to any of my family members that she has known for years.

    -The night before my bachelorette party, she calls me crying saying she doesn't have a ride to get there and needs someone to pick her up. I gave her the numbers of two of my other bridesmaids and told her that she could reach out to them and see if they could pick her up.

    -She showed up 2 hours late to meet them, which resulted in them getting stuck in traffic and us missing our dinner reservation that night. During the whole weekend she got way too drunk and brought everyone else down because we all had to clean up after her messes each night, which she would casually apologize for the next morning.

    -Again, my wedding is next weekend and my future MIL called me yesterday to say she had gotten an email from this BM saying she had a "family emergency" and couldn't attend the rehearsal dinner. I wanted to check in and make sure everything was okay because I hadn't heard anything from her so I ask if everything is okay and she says "Oh, yeah. I lied about the family emergency because I think it sounds better than my actual situation." She then tells me her boyfriend couldn't get the time off work on Friday to drive up with her and doesn't feel comfortable going alone and being around alcohol at the rehearsal dinner without him because of her drinking problem and that she was driving up on Saturday morning now. I didn't respond because I was hurt and angry.

    I do understand that she has a drinking problem, we all know this and have been trying to get her to get help for years. I just find it hard to believe that now is when it's all starting to sink it. I want to be supportive of her if she is truly seeking help and wants to rehabilitate herself, but I don't want her to show up late or not show up on Saturday after we've planned for her to be there. I don't know what to say to her to communicate that she has made this whole experience difficult for me and the other girls. I don't know if I should allow her to walk in the wedding because she clearly doesn't value our friendship as much as she said she did if she continuously dropped the ball on the small list of things that were asked of her. PLEASE HELP! What should I do?

    JIC
    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]madamerwin
  • Thank you for your advice!

    She does have the dress in her hands but hasn't tried it on yet.

    A number of my bridesmaids and family members have been pressuring me to tell her off or kick her out of the wedding party. I'm not sure that's something I'm ready to do, especially if she is actually trying to get help for her issues and better herself. The other girls (some are our mutual friends) don't think she has been a good friend to me (which is true and I also feel hurt by her actions) and that I should tell her she can't stand.

    My plan as of now is if she doesn't show up on time on Saturday, she's not in the wedding, but I want to know what other people think about that plan. 

  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    My plan as of now is if she doesn't show up on time on Saturday, she's not in the wedding, but I want to know what other people think about that plan. 
    I'm assuming Saturday is the day of the wedding?
    Do you really want to kick someone out of your wedding on the day of your wedding? Hopefully, if she's late, she knows not to come walking down the aisle and stand up there in the middle of the ceremony...but even if she does, what are you going to do? Tell her to go sit down? Call her before the ceremony starts to tell her she's not in anymore? Is this really what you want to do and worry about on your wedding day?

    Because doing this seems like it will definitely just stir up drama.

    Also. Fun fact: your bridesmaids are not required to attend rehearsal dinner. They're only required to wear the selected dress and show up on time.


    k thnx bye

    [Deleted User]CMGragainSTARMOON44SP29
  • I am FULLY aware that nothing except the actual wedding is mandatory. I have been very flexible with my bridesmaids and our wedding is VERY low-key.

    They don't need to have matching shoes, they don't need to get hair and make up done, they don't need to get me a wedding gift. I paid for their jewelry. I have been very upfront with all of them that I'm not asking for much. I have NEVER asked them to help with anything or come to any consultations with me.

    I have been very patient with her and never once called her out or made her feel as if she'd done anything wrong. I am just tired of her committing to something and then backing out last minute because it is difficult for me, the bride, for planning purposes. BTW, she RSVPd to the rehearsal dinner and both her and her boyfriend's meals have already been paid for, so yes, while she is not expected to come to the dinner, it is rude to cancel once everything has been finalized. Her travel plans should have been solidified before she RSVPd yes.

    spockforprezKnottie1452098987lizybeff
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If she doesn't show up to your ceremony, in her dress that hopefully fits, she's removed herself from the wedding.  You're correct that she has a drinking problem, because some of the things you mentioned are super rude.  Good for you for trying to get her help.
  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper

    I am FULLY aware that nothing except the actual wedding is mandatory. I have been very flexible with my bridesmaids and our wedding is VERY low-key.

    They don't need to have matching shoes, they don't need to get hair and make up done, they don't need to get me a wedding gift. I paid for their jewelry. I have been very upfront with all of them that I'm not asking for much. I have NEVER asked them to help with anything or come to any consultations with me.

    I have been very patient with her and never once called her out or made her feel as if she'd done anything wrong. I am just tired of her committing to something and then backing out last minute because it is difficult for me, the bride, for planning purposes. BTW, she RSVPd to the rehearsal dinner and both her and her boyfriend's meals have already been paid for, so yes, while she is not expected to come to the dinner, it is rude to cancel once everything has been finalized. Her travel plans should have been solidified before she RSVPd yes.

    But she didn't have to help clean up your shower. She doesn't need to make the rehearsal (maybe she lied because she felt a lot of pressure from you or FMIL). Things happen, people cancel. She doesn't need alterations- since when has a friends ill fitting clothes affected you before?


  • edited May 2016

    ....There was NO PRESSURE. We asked that if people were coming to the rehearsal dinner they send my FMIL an email by X date because we were ordering the food and needed to give a final headcount to the hotel. We didn't chase her down for the RSVP, she replied by the deadline of her own volition. Things do happen, people do cancel. I am planning a wedding, I understand that very well.

    That being said, all of these things combined when you're a BM, not just a wedding guest, have been rude and disrespectful not just to me but to my MOH and other BMs who've had to deal with her. I do think that I need to address those issues with her but I'm not sure it's wise to do that before the wedding.

  • ...My expectation was that she get the dress when the shop asked her to come pick it up. She didn't get the dress. I got the dress for her because the shop told me they were going to sell it to someone else if no one came to get it.

    As I previously stated, I am FULLY aware that nothing except the actual wedding is mandatory. I have been very flexible with my bridesmaids and our wedding is VERY low-key.

    I have been very upfront with all of them that I'm not asking for much. My demands aren't crazy. I know no one's life revolves around my wedding, which is why I have been patient with her and why I went to pick up her dress when I had the spare time, but there is a problem here.


  • @flantastic and @charlotte989875 thank you so much! You totally nailed it.

    Knottie1452098987charlotte989875
  • I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, OP. The things you are talking about would be upsetting whether your friend was a bridesmaid or not. These are friendship issues more than wedding issues. That being said, kicking her out would not solve anything. If she doesn't show up next weekend, then she has taken herself out of it, and that's not your fault. Don't let it ruin your day if that does happen.

    If you feel that her drinking is really interfering with your friendship, then you may have to step back and keep your distance from her after the wedding, at least until she does get help. As great as it is to help a friend through a hard time, you have to look out for you too, especially when the other person refuses to do anything about their problems. But that's a decision for after next weekend, which is why you shouldn't kick her out now.

    I do have to add this side note to lurkers/anyone figuring out their BP: if you are uncomfortable or unsure about including someone as a bridesmaid, you do not have to do it. Nobody has the right to pressure you or decide your BP for you, and you don't owe a spot to anyone.
    image
    onefootinthebayouMairePoppylnixon8SP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You've been a good friend. You've talked to her about her drinking and encouraged her to get help. Those aren't easy conversations to initiate. Alcoholics are sneaky, reckless, manipulative liars. That's how they deal with their problems until they are forced to clean up after themselves. This isn't reflection on how she feels about you, it's about her sickness. 

    Although your friend lied to your FMIL about her reason for missing the RD, it seems like she is trying to avoid a situation where she might drink and drive or act like an ass. Maybe it's beginning to dawn on her that she needs to change. You shouldn't kick her out of the wp. See what happens. If she shows up sober, on time, in the bm dress, she will be in your wedding party. If she's a mess when she shows up, you may ask her to sit it out.


                       
    OurWildKingdomOliveOilsMomspockforprez
  • OP, why did you post this?  Your wedding is in less than two days.  What are we supposed to tell you?  It is too late for any actions on your part.
    I think you just wanted to vent.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    tigerlily6
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    CMGragain said:
    OP, why did you post this?  Your wedding is in less than two days.  What are we supposed to tell you?  It is too late for any actions on your part.
    I think you just wanted to vent.
    She said next weekend, not this weekend.  I think it's a week away, not 2 days.



  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You've been a good friend. You've talked to her about her drinking and encouraged her to get help. Those aren't easy conversations to initiate. Alcoholics are sneaky, reckless, manipulative liars. That's how they deal with their problems until they are forced to clean up after themselves. This isn't reflection on how she feels about you, it's about her sickness. 

    Although your friend lied to your FMIL about her reason for missing the RD, it seems like she is trying to avoid a situation where she might drink and drive or act like an ass. Maybe it's beginning to dawn on her that she needs to change. You shouldn't kick her out of the wp. See what happens. If she shows up sober, on time, in the bm dress, she will be in your wedding party. If she's a mess when she shows up, you may ask her to sit it out.


    OP, Ive changed my mind about you, I judged too quickly. What you're going through sounds really rough, I'm sorry.

    To everyone else... the bolded is TK's accepted, often repeated verbatim rule for bridesmaids. But many of us (in media and in my own wedding) had mimosas while getting ready. What happens when you have an alcoholic in the wedding? Just hope she can walk a semi straight line? Tell her shes too drunk and kick her out then?


    MairePoppy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When someone shows you who are they are, believe them. I have had a very similar experience with a very close friend of mine. Thankfully she's sober now and has been for two years. But the last 10 years have been very rocky. 

    But, it sounds like your friend is getting help. Give her a chance. If she doesn't show up in time for the wedding, oh well! You're still getting married. 
     

    MairePoppyarrippaSP29
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards