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Etiquette

Thank You Notes...Thing of the Past???

Hi there,

I don't post on here hardly ever for the simple reasons of working full time, going to college AND trying to plan a wedding all at the same time so I apologize if this is in the wrong place. I do enjoy reading everyone else's posts though. ;) However, something has been on my mind and I felt like this would be the best place to ask.

I have been to four weddings in the past 6 months, all of which I have spent between $50-$75 a piece on each gift and have drove 7 hours one way to attend these weddings (they are all my first cousins so I felt obligated). These weddings have spanned from November of 2015 up until this past weekend. Now I know "thank you" notes won't be done over night and I'm not expecting them to be, but I have YET to recieve one from the one in November, the one in February and the one in April. Again, this last one was this past weekend so I'm really not including that one. I guess my question is...Do couples still sit down and write out Thank You notes after everything is said and done? Is this just a shower thing now? I am expecting to sit down after mine and write these out just because I feel it is respectful and a nice gesture to acknowledge someone who either took the time and attended or at least thought enough to purchase a gift. I'm not trying to be petty, I am simply just curious. Am I wrong for kind of "expecting" a thank you card or even just a simple, verbal thank you???

Sorry for the essay. Again, just curious. Thanks ladies...and gents! ;)

«1

Re: Thank You Notes...Thing of the Past???

  • I went to a wedding last year - FH and I gave a gift; we had to travel abroad to get there and were effectively required to stay in a hotel which while conveniently located was way more expensive than other accommodation options nearby. That was over a year ago, we never received a thank you note... and I'm still a little resentful over it to be honest.
  • Yep, the people you know are rude. I write "Thank-you" notes for my son's birthday and Christmas gifts so when he's old enough, he'll know to do it. 
    Heffalumpwink0erin
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Wow, what rude people! Thanking people for their generosity should never go out of style. I would be resentful of not receiving a thank you note after attending a wedding and giving a gift.
  • My understanding is that guests are to be thanked for attending in person (at the wedding) and guests who give a gift are to be sent a thank-you note.

    They are not just for showers! I got a very sweet thank-you card after my friend's baby shower but did not get anything after her wedding which struck me as very odd.

    HeffalumpSP29MairePoppy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    No, they aren't. What does seem to be a nonexistent thing now for many people is that are responsible for writing and sending nice, heartfelt thank you notes on receiving gifts.

    Part of the problem might be this false belief that couples have a year after the wedding to send thank you notes. It stems from confusion with the valid belief that guests have up to a year after the wedding to give the couple gifts. But it in no way excuses the rudeness of not sending a thank you note ASAP after receiving a gift.
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I've only been to one wedding where I didn't receive a thank-you note for a gift I gave the couple.  Apparently, the groom thought telling his brother (my BF at the time), that the gifts I gave them were "really nice" constituted a thank-you.  It was a full year before BF passed that along to me.  I don't have a relationship with either party in that couple any more.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • They shouldn't be a thing of the past, but alas.

    It's kind of sad that I'm pleasantly surprised when I get a note now.  I still send them, and would feel like an ungrateful slacker if I didn't.  I'm teaching my kids to do them, too, even if the 2 y.o. just draws a picture (and I use that term loosely) on one side of the card.

    Anyway, your instincts are correct, OP:  you should be receiving them, and you're right to send them.
    thisismynickname2wink0erinSP29
  • Thank you all! I now don't feel as if I was making a big deal out of something for no reason. I guess they think they're "too good" to sit down and put together a thank you note. Unfourtantley (sp?), with this side of my family, I shouldn't be surprised. However, at this point, I'd be good with a picture card @climbingwife haha. Anyways, thank you all for the input! 

    climbingwifeSP29
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    Both my shower and wedding were on Sundays. I had 95% of the thank you notes out on the Mondays after. I had almost everyone comment on how quickly I got them out and how great it was. I'm sad that it wasn't normal.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    thisismynickname2MairePoppy
  • peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    That's really rude that you never received a thank you note. I still expect them.

    The last few TY notes I received were picture cards with not even a personalized message on there. That really annoys me as well. I started our TY notes two days after we returned from our HM, and each person received a personalized note for their card. It irks me when I don't receive the same courtesy. 


    Two of our good friends were married a few years ago and had a very extravagant wedding which was kindly paid for by the bride's wealthy family. DH and I and our group of friends attended all the pre-wedding things (including the destination bachelor/bachelorette parties), bought engagement party and shower presents, gave a nice wedding present, and stayed overnight at the very ritzy hotel they had blocked. I realize this was our own doing and not the couple's fault, but they are good friends and we wanted to celebrate with them, which resulted in us spending a good amount of money on their wedding and we weren't even in the wedding party.

    Seven months after their wedding, we were thanked with a picture thank you card with a generic pre-printed message: "thank you sharing our day with us, love John and Mary" -- not even their names were handwritten. The thank you card was gorgeous, heavy, and probably cost someone a small fortune. I know I wasn't the only one in our group of friends who felt miffed by this. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


    thisismynickname2SP29MairePoppy
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Damn straight I write thank you cards.   I don't always receive them, unfortunately. 
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    Thank you all! I now don't feel as if I was making a big deal out of something for no reason. I guess they think they're "too good" to sit down and put together a thank you note. 
    Or maybe they just don't know? Or think they have up to a year to send them? Or they forgot? Elitism is always an option, but so is ignorance, misconceptions, and poor memory.


    k thnx bye

  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2016
    I'm still waiting for a thank you note from a check we sent to a February 14th wedding. (And the check was cashed)
    We RSVP'd 'no' and didn't attend due to pregnancy / health issues. So they didn't even have to pay to feed us. Just money out of the blue... and no thank you thus far (or inquiry about our child or my health).
    People are swell.
  • Tyvm said:
    Thank you all! I now don't feel as if I was making a big deal out of something for no reason. I guess they think they're "too good" to sit down and put together a thank you note. 
    Or maybe they just don't know? Or think they have up to a year to send them? Or they forgot? Elitism is always an option, but so is ignorance, misconceptions, and poor memory.
    I'm not sure they think they're too good, but I also don't think forgetting or being ignorant is any excuse. 

    That's really rude that you never received a thank you note. I still expect them.

    The last few TY notes I received were picture cards with not even a personalized message on there. That really annoys me as well. I started our TY notes two days after we returned from our HM, and each person received a personalized note for their card. It irks me when I don't receive the same courtesy. 
    We got these from my cousin and his wife after their son's first birthday, with a pre-printed "Thank you for your gift" inside, and the entire family side-eyed the hell out of them for it.

    SP29
  • peachy13 said:
    That's really rude that you never received a thank you note. I still expect them.

    The last few TY notes I received were picture cards with not even a personalized message on there. That really annoys me as well. I started our TY notes two days after we returned from our HM, and each person received a personalized note for their card. It irks me when I don't receive the same courtesy. 

    Seven months after their wedding, we were thanked with a picture thank you card with a generic pre-printed message: "thank you sharing our day with us, love John and Mary" -- not even their names were handwritten. The thank you card was gorgeous, heavy, and probably cost someone a small fortune. I know I wasn't the only one in our group of friends who felt miffed by this. 

    Yeah! We got a thank you 4 months later with just a picture from their wedding and a thank you for the gift. It wasn't even signed by hand and our names were only on the address label. I would really have preferred getting nothing, because we gave them a check and realized some of the money we gave could have paid for the completely unheartfelt attention w****ing.
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    I'm not sure they think they're too good, but I also don't think forgetting or being ignorant is any excuse.  
    @Heffalump No, it's not an excuse. But I'd rather be known for being dumb or forgetful, rather than a pompous a**hole   ;)  A silly plea for giving the benefit of the doubt   ;)


    k thnx bye

    OurWildKingdomholyguacamole79
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Personal opinion time. I'm less bothered by a lack of thank-you card after a bridal or baby shower. At the shower, they opened my gift, exclaimed over it, and said, "thank you." But, after a wedding, you have no idea if they even opened your gift (boxed or enveloped) much less appreciated it, so that thank-you card is critical. 
    Real talk:
    I was not raised to write thank you notes. In reality, there just really were not a lot of instances where I received a gift and the giver wasn't present to thank profusely, and apparently (either because I was a child, or because it was) my parents and I thought that was entirely adequate thanks. We never had people straight mailing things for birthday gifts, or whatever.

    First Communion and such probably should have had some TYs - people brought gifts that weren't opened immediately. But I did not write any. Maybe my parents had me call some people. I don't think my parents ever received thank yous for similar things with other nieces and nephews. Granted, these were all for children.

    So how do you then realize as an adult which situations require thank you notes? It's not an intuitive thing. Sure, I recognize that I should thank people when they do something, but if I can and do thank them in person, I still often think that should be entirely adequate.

    I sent prompt TYs for wedding and shower gifts, partially because that was the best way to thank people who had gifts shipped to us, and partially because I heard that that was a thing one did for weddings (mostly in the shower case). But in a lot of other gifting cases - family Christmas, for one - a note seems excessive: "I told them thank you when I opened the gift, and again when I left. Do they really expect a note also?" For me, it's less about whether someone deserves more thanks or the effort of a note, and more about whether someone would be actually offended not to receive a written note when they've already been personally thanked. If they would, I don't get it, and I may have been inadvertently offending such people for years - because who knew that the written form of thanks were paramount? Not me.

    This excuses none of OP's friends, of course - but I can see where people would not have notes as a thank you mechanism in their sphere of consciousness, if they're used to thanking people for gifts in person.
    SP29wmam35
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    FWIW, I would much rather receive a timely generic Thank You card purchased from Wal-Mart (by generic, I meant the ones you buy in sets of 10-20 with some kind of design on the front and blank inside) with a thoughtful and personalized, hand-written note inside, than these pre-printed photo messages.  I want to blame the industry, but I can't wholly bring myself to do so.
    Our TY notes were from Target.  
    bleve0821SP29
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Mine were from the Dollar Tree...


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    wink0erinSP29
  • peachy13 said:
    That's really rude that you never received a thank you note. I still expect them.

    The last few TY notes I received were picture cards with not even a personalized message on there. That really annoys me as well. I started our TY notes two days after we returned from our HM, and each person received a personalized note for their card. It irks me when I don't receive the same courtesy. 


    Two of our good friends were married a few years ago and had a very extravagant wedding which was kindly paid for by the bride's wealthy family. DH and I and our group of friends attended all the pre-wedding things (including the destination bachelor/bachelorette parties), bought engagement party and shower presents, gave a nice wedding present, and stayed overnight at the very ritzy hotel they had blocked. I realize this was our own doing and not the couple's fault, but they are good friends and we wanted to celebrate with them, which resulted in us spending a good amount of money on their wedding and we weren't even in the wedding party.

    Seven months after their wedding, we were thanked with a picture thank you card with a generic pre-printed message: "thank you sharing our day with us, love John and Mary" -- not even their names were handwritten. The thank you card was gorgeous, heavy, and probably cost someone a small fortune. I know I wasn't the only one in our group of friends who felt miffed by this. 
    The same thing happened to us with one of H's friends. And they gave us the generic picture card in person, at our going away party. They couldn't even be bothered to mail it. I don't think they even wrote our names on the envelope.
  • The last 4 weddings I was invited to:

    1. Didn't attend. Gave a card and a personalized picture frame. Didn't get a verbal or written thank you. I worked with her every day.
    2. Didn't attend. Gave a card and a gift card. Got a preprinted thank you card with a picture of them on it with no handwriting. Took about 3 months.
    3. Didn't attend. Gave a card and a gift card. No thank you note.
    4. Attended, gave a card and cash. Got a thank you in the mail in less than a week.

    People are super rude, but thank you cards are definitely (or should definitely) still be a thing.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Those pre-printed photo thank you notes are my pet peeve! I maintain that the B&G don't even know for what they are thanking you.
  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    Personal opinion time. I'm less bothered by a lack of thank-you card after a bridal or baby shower. At the shower, they opened my gift, exclaimed over it, and said, "thank you." But, after a wedding, you have no idea if they even opened your gift (boxed or enveloped) much less appreciated it, so that thank-you card is critical. 
    Real talk:
    I was not raised to write thank you notes. In reality, there just really were not a lot of instances where I received a gift and the giver wasn't present to thank profusely, and apparently (either because I was a child, or because it was) my parents and I thought that was entirely adequate thanks. We never had people straight mailing things for birthday gifts, or whatever.

    First Communion and such probably should have had some TYs - people brought gifts that weren't opened immediately. But I did not write any. Maybe my parents had me call some people. I don't think my parents ever received thank yous for similar things with other nieces and nephews. Granted, these were all for children.

    So how do you then realize as an adult which situations require thank you notes? It's not an intuitive thing. Sure, I recognize that I should thank people when they do something, but if I can and do thank them in person, I still often think that should be entirely adequate.

    I sent prompt TYs for wedding and shower gifts, partially because that was the best way to thank people who had gifts shipped to us, and partially because I heard that that was a thing one did for weddings (mostly in the shower case). But in a lot of other gifting cases - family Christmas, for one - a note seems excessive: "I told them thank you when I opened the gift, and again when I left. Do they really expect a note also?" For me, it's less about whether someone deserves more thanks or the effort of a note, and more about whether someone would be actually offended not to receive a written note when they've already been personally thanked. If they would, I don't get it, and I may have been inadvertently offending such people for years - because who knew that the written form of thanks were paramount? Not me.

    This excuses none of OP's friends, of course - but I can see where people would not have notes as a thank you mechanism in their sphere of consciousness, if they're used to thanking people for gifts in person.
    @flantastic This is very similar to my upbringing - gifts were usually opened in front of the gift-giver and if they weren't, my parents had me call the relative to say thank you. I was never brought up to send thank you cards because as @flantastic said, verbal thank yous always seemed to be enough.

    I don't quite remember when I learned that thank you cards are a must for showers and weddings but thankfully I did before I got married. Everyone that attended my shower and the wedding and gave gifts received prompt thank you notes, while I had also verbally thanked everyone at my shower for gifts upon opening and thanked most of H's family verbally when we saw them next after we had opened our wedding gifts. What surprised me most during wedding planning was my mother getting very upset that she hadn't received a thank you not from a wedding she had attended, yet she had never once in my life made me write a thank you note or taught me that it was appropriate to do so. 
    SP29
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