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Etiquette

Money vs. Registry? Advice please!

I have been to weddings before where, instead of a traditional registry, they ask for money to put towards a new home or a honeymoon. I honestly always really liked that idea and didn't think anything of it. My FH and I both had our own fully furnished apartments when we met and when we moved in together ended up having to get rid of quite a bit of it due to not having the room for it all. We plan on staying in our current home for several more years at least, and honestly hardly have room for the belongings that we have already. When I get something new for my kitchen I have to rearrange the whole thing just to find room! (I know, first world problems right?) When we attend other weddings we always just give cash or write a check anyway instead of buying a gift from the couple's registry. To me at least, this has always seemed easier than having to carry around a gift and make sure it gets in the right spot and hoping they like it etc etc. The weddings that we have gone to where the couple specifically makes a request for money to go towards a goal of theirs (ie: honeymoon, new house, etc) always seemed like a great idea and was something that we are planning on doing as well. That all being said...I've been reading discussions on the different boards on here and people seem to have a much different opinion from me that this is incredibly rude and tacky. Is asking for money not something that is socially acceptable? 
This is what I put on the Registry portion of our website and I thought it was appropriate but now am not sure at all! 
"We can't wait to get married and are so honored to have you at our wedding! If you would like to help us start our new life together, in lieu of a normal registry we would ask for a money gift to help us on our way to our dream honeymoon! We are lucky enough to have all of the physical things we could possibly need and are very much looking forward to the experience of a lifetime on our honeymoon." 
The last thing I want is for people to feel like we're being rude but at the same time, any gifts we get will honestly go right back to the store for credit until we buy a house in 5 years or so. That makes no sense to me, but if it's either that or have people think we're rude and tacky then should we reconsider our "registry?"

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Re: Money vs. Registry? Advice please!

  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    I would re-think registering, especially if someone offers to throw you a bridal shower. I've been to bridal showers where the bride didn't register and I think she had to return most of the gifts because they were duplicates(3 dutch ovens!) or things she couldn't use. 
    @dyerwise Would it be reasonable to have a small registry for the Bridal Shower, and either don't include it (or delete it) on the wedding website after the shower?

    Bridal shower gifts are often small items, like that stainless steel garlic press (after you beast-moded the last one). I can come up with enough small items that we need an upgrade on (hello, matching silverware!) for the Shower, but not so much for an entire wedding full of people, in addition.


    k thnx bye

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Tyvm said:
    I would re-think registering, especially if someone offers to throw you a bridal shower. I've been to bridal showers where the bride didn't register and I think she had to return most of the gifts because they were duplicates(3 dutch ovens!) or things she couldn't use. 
    @dyerwise Would it be reasonable to have a small registry for the Bridal Shower, and either don't include it (or delete it) on the wedding website after the shower?

    Bridal shower gifts are often small items, like that stainless steel garlic press (after you beast-moded the last one). I can come up with enough small items that we need an upgrade on (hello, matching silverware!) for the Shower, but not so much for an entire wedding full of people, in addition.

    That's pretty much what I did. We preferred monetary gifts and had a small registry that was pretty much completed after my shower. We did not have a registry portion on our website. We only received one registry gift for the wedding itself and that was from my best friend who told me he cleaned out all the smaller items on the registry because he knew I like to get packages in the mail and would be excited to receive lots of packages.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    scrunchythief
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    We only received one registry gift for the wedding itself and that was from my best friend who told me he cleaned out all the smaller items on the registry because he knew I like to get packages in the mail and would be excited to receive lots of packages.
    @ShesSoCold That's really sweet of him!!
    Lots of little packages would be great, so long as they aren't stolen   grrrrrrrrr


    k thnx bye

    ShesSoCold
  • Never, never ask for money!  I can't understand when people do...it's so tacky!


  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We had a registry and still received mostly cash gifts- but that is common for my family.
  • Tyvm said:
    I would re-think registering, especially if someone offers to throw you a bridal shower. I've been to bridal showers where the bride didn't register and I think she had to return most of the gifts because they were duplicates(3 dutch ovens!) or things she couldn't use. 
    @dyerwise Would it be reasonable to have a small registry for the Bridal Shower, and either don't include it (or delete it) on the wedding website after the shower?

    Bridal shower gifts are often small items, like that stainless steel garlic press (after you beast-moded the last one). I can come up with enough small items that we need an upgrade on (hello, matching silverware!) for the Shower, but not so much for an entire wedding full of people, in addition.

    I would just not include it on the site. Most showers that I have been invited to have the registry information printed on the invite, however, now that I think about it may be against etiquette, but everyone knows a shower is a gift giving event).

    I usually spend anywhere from $40-$100 on shower gifts, so I think things like matching silverware, cook ware, maybe nice china would give shower guests a nice selection to choose from.

    I recently attended a bridal shower and I bought 5 items off her registry (Baking sheets, measuring cups, whisks, glass mixing bowl set) so make sure you have a decent amount of items on the registry for guests to choose from.
    MesmrEwe
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
     Most showers that I have been invited to have the registry information printed on the invite, however, now that I think about it may be against etiquette, but everyone knows a shower is a gift giving event). 
    @dyerwise Including registry information on Shower invites is a-okay etiquette-wise, as a shower is literally intended to be a "shower of gifts." If there are no gifts, then it's a luncheon/tea.

    I think we're planning to not include the registry information on the wedding website. But there's still plenty of items available for the Shower. We might trim it down a bit after the Showers, too. 


    k thnx bye

    MesmrEwe
  • I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 

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    crowsgirl15
  • MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.
    Tyvmwmam35[Deleted User]
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt. 
    @MesmrEwe What if they do only register for a few small things they need upgrades on, but it's completed before you get to it. Do you still buy physical gifts?

    We have a 600 square foot apartment and don't want to transfer physical gifts cross-country. The boards say to just not register, then. I guess in your case, we'd just donate the unwanted gifts to Goodwill before we left town?

    Note to lurkers: Always write thank you notes for every gift, even if you're just donating it to charity. Don't put its final destination in the letter, though   ;)


    k thnx bye

    MesmrEweSP29
  • Hypothetically speaking - the point I was trying to make is that is exactly why you register for something even if only 4 things (that if you got duplicates of you'd be fine with)...

    If someone flat out says they want to do a "Your presence is our present, please no gifts" I'm all about honoring that.  If they only want cash or do the honeyfund registry only, I'll let DH take care of the gift-giving and not get in his way and generally why cash only requests are considered rude..

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  • MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.
    I don't want to speak for anyone else but I think for a number of people just giving cash or a check feels impersonal and they prefer to spend time choosing a physical gift they think the person or couple could use or would like. There is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothingn wrong with the going off registry. Yes, couples can signal they prefer cash by having a smaller registry but IMO it's fairly spoiled to get upset if someone buys a physical gift that isn't on the registry or prefers not to give cash if the registry is completed. It's not like a registry is a list of the only gifts a couple will accept and if they are all taken everyone just has to give cash. 

    Also, it's not people choosing to buy gifts that cause people to make cutesy poems or cash registry; it's people trying to disguise their request for a specific form of gift and subsequent rude behavior. 
    ILoveBeachMusicMesmrEwephotokittySP29
  • We are not having a registry as we need nothing. I had a friend of my Mother's want to host a shower and I declined because she wasn't invited to the wedding (I went out to lunch with her and she was happy with that time together ... see my post about this). A friend of mine (who was invited to the wedding) wanted to host a shower and because she wanted to host a wine themed shower (instead of something where I had to create a registry), I accepted and ended up receiving a few bottles of wine and a few wine related household items.

    If anyone asks, we are telling them that we would prefer no gifts, just their presence. We do not have a wedding website and are not writing anything in the invites (as that would be incredibly rude).

    I anticipate that the majority of our guests will not bring any gift which is just fine with us. Those that do, will get a handwritten note.

    charlotte989875
  • MesmrEwe said:

    I'm glad that you removed that from your website...

    I'm in the "physical gift club" unless it's a friend exclusively of DH's (in which case he'll tell me what he wants to spend).  If you don't register for anything, I'm going to Restaurant Supply and getting you some lovely pizza pans, cutter, cookie sheets, cutting board, etc. and if you have those things, you're now stuck with them because you didn't bother to give any ideas of what you wanted instead.  Even if you only register for additional pieces of flatware (who doesn't need extra forks/spoons/knives), or pillows, bathroom towels, or a toolbox/drill from Sears, or laundry detergent at Target, register for a few things somewhere just because there are people who will not give cash/checks as gifts and you don't want a bunch of random "stuff" that isn't going to come with a gift receipt.  The money/honeymoon registries are the BIGGEST scam - why should someone pay $$ in service fees...just - why.. 


    Why would you insist on giving a physical item when the couple would clearly prefer cash (indicated by the fact that they didn't register). This is the reason that people insist on a cute poem or a cash registry or whatever, because they feel like people won't get the hint when they don't register.
    I can explain for myself before I was a little more settled in my life: Because the amount of cash I could afford to give was not going to look very impressive on a check, but I could buy a kick ass boxed gift for that same measly price. I would always send it to the couples' home or bride's home (if they don't live together), and not bring a boxed gift to the wedding.

    For the record, a cutesy poem or cash registry would have made me more likely to send the boxed gift, not less.


    MesmrEwecharlotte989875SP29
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm glad you changed it, but just to give another voice for the lurkers. 

    H and I never lived together and neither of us set up a house beforehand. Both of us lived with roommates before getting married and so H just had one small pot, one small skillet, one fillet knife, three of those flimsy plastic cutting boards, a salad spinner, a small hand-spun food processor thing, a couple mugs, a coffee maker, a can opener, and a set of small glass desert-size plates and that's literally it. He used paper plates and silverware. My roommates always had dishes, so I owned one small pot, one mug, a cutting board and a large butcher knife and that's all. So yeah, we basically had to stock an entire house. We had a rather large registry, two of them in fact, and I had two bridal showers (two different locations with different guest lists).

    We got most of the stuff we needed, plus some stuff from off registry and we still got several thousand dollars in cash and checks at the wedding. 

  • I'm glad you took that off your website.  Your gut was right that it might come off as rude.

    Plus, it's just not necessary.  We had a decent size registry, and still people mostly gave cash.  Like, a surprising amount.  My friend had the same thing happen to her, too.  Just don't register, or keep it small, and it'll work out.

    If people ask you what you'd like, then you could mention you're saving up for a honeymoon.  My dad actually gave us a cash present that he specifically told us to spend on the honeymoon.  We're very frugal people, and he knows it, so he wanted us to make sure we used it for something fun.  We went parasailing, which we never would've on our own and it was awesome:)
    SP29
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