Moms and Maids

We don't want kids or a plus one at our wedding

edited June 2016 in Moms and Maids
My FMIL is insisting on both.  FI and I don't want either.  Is it wrong for us to put our foot down on this issue?

Re: We don't want kids or a plus one at our wedding

  • My FMIL is insisting on both.  FI and I don't want either.  Is it wrong for us to put our foot down on this issue?
    If you mean allowing truly single (as in they don't consider themselves in a relationship) guests then no you don't have to extend plus ones to them. It is a good idea for planning purposes to "pencil in" a tentative +1 in case they are in a relationship by the time invites go out, but you don't have to allow single guests to bring a guest. 

    Same me for children, if you want an adult only wedding you just invite adults. However if you're having children participate in the ceremony (flower girl, ring bearer) they must be invite with their whole immediate family. Meaning if Susie is the slower girl and she has a brother Benji, you cant exclude Benji and just invite Susie. 

    But as @glasgowtolondon said if your FMIL is paying for the wedding she does get a say in the guests list and if she insists you may not have much room to argue with her. 
    OurWildKingdomSP29PrettyGirlLost
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    (S)He who pays, gets a say.

    It's worth having an honest discussion with FMIL about your vision for the wedding, "we really pictured an adults only event" or "we really wanted to keep the guest list more intimate".

    However, if parents are paying for your whole wedding, the final decision is up to them. If you are accepting a large sum of money from parents, your options are a) deal with it, because they are paying for your wedding or b) decline their offer and pay for the wedding you want.

    Just so you know- as long as you are not splitting up a family (inviting one child from a family but not the other), it is fine to invite some children, but not others. For example, children of the immediate family (your nieces/nephews) but not the children of extended family or friends. Perhaps this is a place you can do some negotiating.


    PrettyGirlLost
  • AddieCake said:
    Who is paying for the wedding?  Anyone who contributes financially should get a say to some degree, and the more money they are contributing, the more say they will want. 

    If you're paying for your own wedding and don't want kids there, then don't invite kids. Your fiance should tell his mother, "Mom, we will not be inviting kids to the wedding, and this discussion is closed. Are you busy this weekend? Want to come see Finding Dory with us?" 

    Even if she is contributing, if there is something you feel strongly about, I think it's within your right to have an honest discussion with her about your vision for the wedding, so there is nothing wrong with your fiance trying to convince her you guys would really prefer no kids. 

    As PPs said about the plus-ones, please be sure you're using the correct terminology when you throw that phrase out there. Many brides confuse the concept of a plus one with a significant other; the two are different things.

    ETA: Oh, it's you again, the one "forbidden" to pay for your own wedding. Honestly, as much drama as there seems to be for you in this planning, I would just elope. Oh, wait. You "can't" b/c you always wanted a big wedding. 
    I don't think it's necessary to be bitchy about this. Does it make you feel like a better, more worthy person?  If so, then glad my situation can be of service to you and your inflated ego. 
  • AddieCake said:
    Who is paying for the wedding?  Anyone who contributes financially should get a say to some degree, and the more money they are contributing, the more say they will want. 

    If you're paying for your own wedding and don't want kids there, then don't invite kids. Your fiance should tell his mother, "Mom, we will not be inviting kids to the wedding, and this discussion is closed. Are you busy this weekend? Want to come see Finding Dory with us?" 

    Even if she is contributing, if there is something you feel strongly about, I think it's within your right to have an honest discussion with her about your vision for the wedding, so there is nothing wrong with your fiance trying to convince her you guys would really prefer no kids. 

    As PPs said about the plus-ones, please be sure you're using the correct terminology when you throw that phrase out there. Many brides confuse the concept of a plus one with a significant other; the two are different things.

    ETA: Oh, it's you again, the one "forbidden" to pay for your own wedding. Honestly, as much drama as there seems to be for you in this planning, I would just elope. Oh, wait. You "can't" b/c you always wanted a big wedding. 
    I don't think it's necessary to be bitchy about this. Does it make you feel like a better, more worthy person?  If so, then glad my situation can be of service to you and your inflated ego. 
    Oh, and a plus one means guest. A significant other of a guest is NOT a plus one because the significant other will have THEIR OWN name written on the invitation. Nice try to show off your snarky knowledge!
  • AddieCake said:
    Who is paying for the wedding?  Anyone who contributes financially should get a say to some degree, and the more money they are contributing, the more say they will want. 

    If you're paying for your own wedding and don't want kids there, then don't invite kids. Your fiance should tell his mother, "Mom, we will not be inviting kids to the wedding, and this discussion is closed. Are you busy this weekend? Want to come see Finding Dory with us?" 

    Even if she is contributing, if there is something you feel strongly about, I think it's within your right to have an honest discussion with her about your vision for the wedding, so there is nothing wrong with your fiance trying to convince her you guys would really prefer no kids. 

    As PPs said about the plus-ones, please be sure you're using the correct terminology when you throw that phrase out there. Many brides confuse the concept of a plus one with a significant other; the two are different things.

    ETA: Oh, it's you again, the one "forbidden" to pay for your own wedding. Honestly, as much drama as there seems to be for you in this planning, I would just elope. Oh, wait. You "can't" b/c you always wanted a big wedding. 
    I don't think it's necessary to be bitchy about this. Does it make you feel like a better, more worthy person?  If so, then glad my situation can be of service to you and your inflated ego. 
    So Knottie#s you're new here but calling someone out like this, calling them bitchy doesn't fly. You need to take it down a notch (or seven..). If you disagree with someone's post or advice you can voice that, but not like this.

    You've posted a lot in a short period of time without getting a feel for the boards, and you've thrown out a ton of info across the different posts, people are going to put all those posts together and comment on everything you post, but that doesn't give you a right to start name calling. 
    You're right. I'm sorry. 
  • edited June 2016
    AddieCake said:
    Who is paying for the wedding?  Anyone who contributes financially should get a say to some degree, and the more money they are contributing, the more say they will want. 

    If you're paying for your own wedding and don't want kids there, then don't invite kids. Your fiance should tell his mother, "Mom, we will not be inviting kids to the wedding, and this discussion is closed. Are you busy this weekend? Want to come see Finding Dory with us?" 

    Even if she is contributing, if there is something you feel strongly about, I think it's within your right to have an honest discussion with her about your vision for the wedding, so there is nothing wrong with your fiance trying to convince her you guys would really prefer no kids. 

    As PPs said about the plus-ones, please be sure you're using the correct terminology when you throw that phrase out there. Many brides confuse the concept of a plus one with a significant other; the two are different things.

    ETA: Oh, it's you again, the one "forbidden" to pay for your own wedding. Honestly, as much drama as there seems to be for you in this planning, I would just elope. Oh, wait. You "can't" b/c you always wanted a big wedding. 
    I don't think it's necessary to be bitchy about this. Does it make you feel like a better, more worthy person?  If so, then glad my situation can be of service to you and your inflated ego. 
    This was SUCH an overreaction of a post. I also like that you chose this one comment to respond to, as opposed to the thread full of others saying basically the exact same thing. Your response and name calling was way worse than anything Addie said...particularly because she spoke the truth.

    Look, I'm relatively new to posting on these boards. But I lurked for a long time to get the lay of the land. Perhaps you could have benefitted from the same, rather than choosing to post myriad threads detailing the same problem.

    I don't know anything but what you've shared...but you come across as incredibly immature and unwilling to make the compromises that come with being an adult. There are such easy answers to all your questions: Talk to your FI, have your FI be up front with his mother, and decline her money and pay for your own damn wedding. NONE of those should be challenging concepts for an independent adult contemplating marriage.
    You are right. I have a lot of growing up to do. Thank you for showing me where to improve in my life. 
  • debbeau said:
    MUD?
    I wish it was!  Would make my life easier!
  • If you lurk the boards, you'll notice Addie gives really solid advice. You can take it or leave it.

    I agree with her though. You can put your foot down but you don't have a leg to stand on if she is paying for your wedding. You lose some autonomy when someone else pays for your weding. You could certainly let her know your preference, but I won't push it too hard if that's what she wants and she's paying.

    *********************************************************************************

    image
    SP29ernursej
  • Plus if you want this "big beautiful wedding" so much then wouldn't kids and plus ones just make it bigger and more beautiful?
    kimmiinthemittenSP29InLoveInQueens
  • edited June 2016
    Plus if you want this "big beautiful wedding" so much then wouldn't kids and plus ones just make it bigger and more beautiful?
    Big? Yes!  Beautiful? NO!!!! 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @InLoveInQueens Can I have a nap and a juice? That sounds amazing.
    InLoveInQueensSP29YogaSandy
  • I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
  • I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
    I had to do it myself. My grandma called me and told me she wouldn't be coming to my city hall wedding because "no one is going, why even bother?" I just said "Sorry to hear you feel that way, we'll miss you". It hurt, a lot, but I didn't give in to her tantrum and she ended up coming and kept her mouth shut about how no one was there (though she did get teary and ask when she would be getting to hold a greatgrandbaby like 45 minutes after we said "I do"). It won't work with everyone, but it's a good starting point to setting up boundaries and showing that you're not going to be pulled into their shit.
    Knottie1466018219SP29
  • I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
    FYI the way to do that is to not react to it or be nice about it.  Not to tell them anything like "I don't care what you think" (I hear na na na na boo boo after that in my head...)
    Knottie1466018219
  • I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
    FYI the way to do that is to not react to it or be nice about it.  Not to tell them anything like "I don't care what you think" (I hear na na na na boo boo after that in my head...)
    Thank you 
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
    FYI the way to do that is to not react to it or be nice about it.  Not to tell them anything like "I don't care what you think" (I hear na na na na boo boo after that in my head...)
    However, aside from wanting to host additional guests at your wedding, that she is paying for, you have yet to give us a single example of the behavior that you claim is so intolerable.  I think some serious introspection may be in order to determine if she is the cause of the drama or if your reaction to a person you dislike is.

    You have also been extremely aloof about cancelling your marriage over this woman.  If this isn't MUD and you aren't a troll, you and your FI need to receive some premarital counseling to make sure a marriage is what each of you really want out of the other.  
    image
    MandTFebruary62011OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueensSP29
  • I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
    FYI the way to do that is to not react to it or be nice about it.  Not to tell them anything like "I don't care what you think" (I hear na na na na boo boo after that in my head...)
    However, aside from wanting to host additional guests at your wedding, that she is paying for, you have yet to give us a single example of the behavior that you claim is so intolerable.  I think some serious introspection may be in order to determine if she is the cause of the drama or if your reaction to a person you dislike is.

    You have also been extremely aloof about cancelling your marriage over this woman.  If this isn't MUD and you aren't a troll, you and your FI need to receive some premarital counseling to make sure a marriage is what each of you really want out of the other.  
    Thank you for commenting. 

    Just to be clear, she is not paying the wedding. Just the Rehearsal Dinner. 

    We have discussed premarital counseling. 
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
    FYI the way to do that is to not react to it or be nice about it.  Not to tell them anything like "I don't care what you think" (I hear na na na na boo boo after that in my head...)
    However, aside from wanting to host additional guests at your wedding, that she is paying for, you have yet to give us a single example of the behavior that you claim is so intolerable.  I think some serious introspection may be in order to determine if she is the cause of the drama or if your reaction to a person you dislike is.

    You have also been extremely aloof about cancelling your marriage over this woman.  If this isn't MUD and you aren't a troll, you and your FI need to receive some premarital counseling to make sure a marriage is what each of you really want out of the other.  
    Thank you for commenting. 

    Just to be clear, she is not paying the wedding. Just the Rehearsal Dinner. 

    We have discussed premarital counseling. 
    Then who is paying for the wedding?  You have said that you and your FI were forbidden by both parents from paying for anything.
    image
  • I'm not fully convinced OP isn't 17 and ~engaged~ by how immature and shortsighted she is. Your MIL is paying for your dream wedding and you're so ungrateful that you can't wait to cut her out of your lives completely? I hope my future kid never brings home such a brat because I'd be hard pressed to not complain to anyone that would listen. 

    You are posting nonstop about all this drama that no one else sees! Your posts are trying to put you in the best light but you're just coming off as a petulant child who needs a nap and some juice. She maybe take a nap, have some juice, rub one out, go for a walk, yell into a pillow, and then maybe see a therapist before you destroy your relationship since they seems like the track you're on. 

    You know how to best treat people who thrive on drama (like your FMIL supposedly does but I'm still not sure it's not you who loves the drama) is show them how little you care about what they think. If they say something rude play dumb, act like what they said wasn't awful and pretend like you don't care and eventually you just won't because that's how they act and if they don't get a reaction they'll move on to someone/something else.
    Thank you. This is very helpful. I like the advice about showing how little I care what they think. I'll give that a try. Appreciate your willingness to help me. 
    FYI the way to do that is to not react to it or be nice about it.  Not to tell them anything like "I don't care what you think" (I hear na na na na boo boo after that in my head...)
    However, aside from wanting to host additional guests at your wedding, that she is paying for, you have yet to give us a single example of the behavior that you claim is so intolerable.  I think some serious introspection may be in order to determine if she is the cause of the drama or if your reaction to a person you dislike is.

    You have also been extremely aloof about cancelling your marriage over this woman.  If this isn't MUD and you aren't a troll, you and your FI need to receive some premarital counseling to make sure a marriage is what each of you really want out of the other.  
    Thank you for commenting. 

    Just to be clear, she is not paying the wedding. Just the Rehearsal Dinner. 

    We have discussed premarital counseling. 
    Then who is paying for the wedding?  You have said that you and your FI were forbidden by both parents from paying for anything.
    My family is
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