Moms and Maids

FMIL expects FI (and/or me) to call her several times a week

edited June 2016 in Moms and Maids
We really don't want to. But if we don't, she will not call us to update us if an emergency happens within the family. Comes across as very manipulative!  Have you ever dealt with anything like this??
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Re: FMIL expects FI (and/or me) to call her several times a week

  • You can always have another family member loop you in. 

    What at exactly do you want the relationship with her to be? Yours and your new family's? 

    You iu seem to be focused on what you don't like and what you don't want out of the relationship with her and if I were your fiancé I would feel very stressed about being pulled in different directions. What DO you want is a good place to start your focus. 

    My my sister and mom have a very different relationship then my mom and I. They talk everyday. I do not want that. I want once a week unless there is big news. I talked to my mom about it and she agreed that would work. We talk more when we want to but it works for our relationship and the way we want it. 
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    We really don't want to. But if we don't, she will not call us to update us if an emergency happens within the family. Comes across as very manipulative!  Have you ever dealt with anything like this??
    Sounds manipulative.  Is she always like this, or is this new to the wedding?

    Either way, your FI needs to set boundaries because blood talks to blood.  There will be "repercussions" for this conversation and behavior, although it's healthy on your side.  Can you ask someone else to reach out when family emergencies/important issues do arise.  My FMIL didn't speak to FI for 3 months before coming around again.  
    image
    MesmrEwe
  • I just caught up on your post history and noticed this is the 5th post about FMIL in 2 days.

    You know how you can be amazed at how much water your kitchen sponge can hold?  Drama is like that.  Once you start soaking it up, there is always room for more.  Stop soaking up the drama and it will go away.
    It's just so cathartic and helpful for me to post about it!!    
  • When is it ok to start thinking this is MUD?
    What does that mean??
  • When is it ok to start thinking this is MUD?
    What does that mean??
    Made Up Drama. 


  • When is it ok to start thinking this is MUD?
    What does that mean??
    Made Up Drama. 


    I wish it was!!!  
  • When is it ok to start thinking this is MUD?
    Half way through the second post I read....
    crowsgirl15ILoveBeachMusic
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well, how often does your FI currently speak to his mother? I don't see what the big deal is to speak to her more than once a week. 

    My MIL calls my H multiple times a day. That's how their relationship has always been. Sure, some could call it overbearing. But if my H has no problem with it, neither do I. He has a mother that loves both of us and wants to hear from us all the time. Trust me on this - having the opposite (a parent that doesn't care and is not involved in your live/lives) really sucks. 

    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensMesmrEwe
  • Well, how often does your FI currently speak to his mother? I don't see what the big deal is to speak to her more than once a week. 

    My MIL calls my H multiple times a day. That's how their relationship has always been. Sure, some could call it overbearing. But if my H has no problem with it, neither do I. He has a mother that loves both of us and wants to hear from us all the time. Trust me on this - having the opposite (a parent that doesn't care and is not involved in your live/lives) really sucks. 
    How do you know it really sucks?  Do you have a parent who doesn't care?
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Well, how often does your FI currently speak to his mother? I don't see what the big deal is to speak to her more than once a week. 

    My MIL calls my H multiple times a day. That's how their relationship has always been. Sure, some could call it overbearing. But if my H has no problem with it, neither do I. He has a mother that loves both of us and wants to hear from us all the time. Trust me on this - having the opposite (a parent that doesn't care and is not involved in your live/lives) really sucks. 
    How do you know it really sucks?  Do you have a parent who doesn't care?
    That's pretty much implied with her comment to trust her about how it sucks. 
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well, how often does your FI currently speak to his mother? I don't see what the big deal is to speak to her more than once a week. 

    My MIL calls my H multiple times a day. That's how their relationship has always been. Sure, some could call it overbearing. But if my H has no problem with it, neither do I. He has a mother that loves both of us and wants to hear from us all the time. Trust me on this - having the opposite (a parent that doesn't care and is not involved in your live/lives) really sucks. 
    How do you know it really sucks?  Do you have a parent who doesn't care?
    Yes, actually I do. I have a parent that doesn't care to be involved in my life. It hurts more than I can express. 

  • Well, how often does your FI currently speak to his mother? I don't see what the big deal is to speak to her more than once a week. 

    My MIL calls my H multiple times a day. That's how their relationship has always been. Sure, some could call it overbearing. But if my H has no problem with it, neither do I. He has a mother that loves both of us and wants to hear from us all the time. Trust me on this - having the opposite (a parent that doesn't care and is not involved in your live/lives) really sucks. 
    How do you know it really sucks?  Do you have a parent who doesn't care?
    Yes, actually I do. I have a parent that doesn't care to be involved in my life. It hurts more than I can express. 
    I am sorry to hear that. 
  • We really don't want to. But if we don't, she will not call us to update us if an emergency happens within the family. Comes across as very manipulative!  Have you ever dealt with anything like this??
    If only we had these devices that would allow us to see who is calling us and give us the option to ignore the call if we wished.
    That doesn't make any sense! I'm talking about how she won't call us, even if there is an emergency. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    That doesn't make any sense! I'm talking about how she won't call us, even if there is an emergency. 
    Are you having that many emergencies that it's that big of a deal?
    floridabride44
  • edited June 2016
    That doesn't make any sense! I'm talking about how she won't call us, even if there is an emergency. 
    Are you having that many emergencies that it's that big of a deal?
    Actually yes. 2 family members have been critically ill. thanks for asking!
  • We really don't want to. But if we don't, she will not call us to update us if an emergency happens within the family. Comes across as very manipulative!  Have you ever dealt with anything like this??
    Sounds manipulative.  Is she always like this, or is this new to the wedding?

    Either way, your FI needs to set boundaries because blood talks to blood.  There will be "repercussions" for this conversation and behavior, although it's healthy on your side.  Can you ask someone else to reach out when family emergencies/important issues do arise.  My FMIL didn't speak to FI for 3 months before coming around again.  
    Your story is giving me hope.  Thank you for sharing!  He has spoken to her....we shall see what happens.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    We really don't want to. But if we don't, she will not call us to update us if an emergency happens within the family. Comes across as very manipulative!  Have you ever dealt with anything like this??
    If only we had these devices that would allow us to see who is calling us and give us the option to ignore the call if we wished.
    That doesn't make any sense! I'm talking about how she won't call us, even if there is an emergency. 
    If it's a true emergency then I'm sure your FI's brothers, who have long since stopped talking to FMIL, will contact you. Or someone else.

    So stop frigging answering the phone when she calls and you don't want to speak to her.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • My ex's mom was like this. There were 3 people in my relationship: Ex's mom, Ex and myself. In exactly that order. Ex talked on the phone to his mother minimum of 6 times a day and texted all day too. She knew about our problems before I did. They had a weird relationship, hence the reason he is now Ex.
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  • My ex's mom was like this. There were 3 people in my relationship: Ex's mom, Ex and myself. In exactly that order. Ex talked on the phone to his mother minimum of 6 times a day and texted all day too. She knew about our problems before I did. They had a weird relationship, hence the reason he is now Ex.
    @chellejayne I'm sorry you had to go through that.  Was she overbearing?  My FI's mom is super overbearing.
  • My ex's mom was like this. There were 3 people in my relationship: Ex's mom, Ex and myself. In exactly that order. Ex talked on the phone to his mother minimum of 6 times a day and texted all day too. She knew about our problems before I did. They had a weird relationship, hence the reason he is now Ex.
    @chellejayne I'm sorry you had to go through that.  Was she overbearing?  My FI's mom is super overbearing.
    I'm so confused...how could she be overbearing? You said early in this thread that she "won't call you even if there's an emergency". How can someone be overbearing if they won't talk to you?
    When she does call or when my FI calls her, all she wants to do is micromanage his life and our relationship. 
  • My ex's mom was like this. There were 3 people in my relationship: Ex's mom, Ex and myself. In exactly that order. Ex talked on the phone to his mother minimum of 6 times a day and texted all day too. She knew about our problems before I did. They had a weird relationship, hence the reason he is now Ex.
    @chellejayne I'm sorry you had to go through that.  Was she overbearing?  My FI's mom is super overbearing.
    She wasn't overbearing, she was manipulative and self-centered. If he didn't do what she wanted, she pouted until she got her way. If I wanted to visit my parents, she wanted US to visit her before and for longer. My dad passed away and she texted me to say that she was sorry, but then started talking about her problems. I stopped talking to her after that and Ex and I broke up not much longer after that.
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  • My ex's mom was like this. There were 3 people in my relationship: Ex's mom, Ex and myself. In exactly that order. Ex talked on the phone to his mother minimum of 6 times a day and texted all day too. She knew about our problems before I did. They had a weird relationship, hence the reason he is now Ex.
    @chellejayne I'm sorry you had to go through that.  Was she overbearing?  My FI's mom is super overbearing.
    She wasn't overbearing, she was manipulative and self-centered. If he didn't do what she wanted, she pouted until she got her way. If I wanted to visit my parents, she wanted US to visit her before and for longer. My dad passed away and she texted me to say that she was sorry, but then started talking about her problems. I stopped talking to her after that and Ex and I broke up not much longer after that.
    I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Sounds awful. My condolences to you about your father. 
  • Having just spent a week working on stage stuff, my mentor brought up a good one, "if you're getting something you want for a reaction, go ahead and give it positive feedback and people will give you more of it, if there's something you don't want and want to potentially extinguish, DO NOT give it attention, and it'll go away if you hold your position.."  It sounds simple, and in reality it is, it's just hard to remember sometimes. 

    There are other people involved in the situation at hand that can inform you if you communicate with them.  Your FI needs to handle things with his Mom - Blood talks to blood and set his boundaries for what is and isn't o.k. for communications.  What happens when should you decide to have kids that she wants to be right there in the delivery room with you (NOT the time for you to be entertaining ANYONE - including your FI), really, setting boundaries now is that important - it'll save you tons of heartache later on. 

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    SP29kimmiinthemitten
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