Snarky Brides

A lovely PPD story to share!

Me and FI have been invited to a PPD.  Our friends were married 2 years ago due to immigration issues- let's call them Jack and Jill.  They got married at the courthouse but Jill never imagined that to be her wedding day because she's DREAMED of having a beautiful wedding, filled with tons and friends and family, NOTHING like the courthouse.  So to make sure her dreams come true, they have planned a wedding...2 years later.  The reason why it's 2 years later is because they needed time to save money.

Their "wedding" will be this fall- bridal party, ceremony, first dance, you name it.  I had to sit at a table with FI and 5 of our other friends, all invited to this wedding, and try to explain to them how ridiculous this entire situation is.  Not a single one of them agreed with me. I got responses like: "But they had no choice because of immigration," or "That's what Jill always wanted, so I don't see I problem with it at all," or "They don't see the courthouse as their wedding.  This will be their wedding."

It took everything inside of me to not stand up and start screaming "BUT THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 2 YEARS!!! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SHE WANTS, THAT IS WHAT THEY CHOSE.  AND WHY DO THEY HAVE TO SAVE $$$ FOR 2 YEARS FOR A CEREMONY THAT DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING?!" So then I posed the question "Are guests supposed to give a gift?"  And my friends said "Well, yeah, definitely.  It's only respectful to give enough to pay for your plate.  They're spending a lot on the wedding, so it's only right to give a gift." UGHHHHHHHH

It's so frustrating that no one saw this as a problem.  It's also unfortunate because we are good friends with this couple.  FI wants to go and I told him I refused.  He's not too happy because he doesn't see the problem- I guess he will be attending alone.  This is nothing personal against these friends, I am just choosing to not be a part of it.  
InLoveInQueensSP29
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Re: A lovely PPD story to share!

  • kylexokylexo Finger Lakes, NY member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    eh, I'm PPD-lite and for me, immigration is a legit reason to opt into quicker marriage while still wanting a celebration. If you don't want to go, by all means don't. However, it may change the relationship you have with the couple. I mean, at this point I'd imagine it's not like anyone attending the PPD thinks this is an actual wedding.

    Do they have a registry they have publicized? That would get some side eye from me for sure, but if they are just throwing a party with some maybe silly "first" dances thrown in, that's not that big a deal to me, but if they have their registry printed on the invite or something, wellll that's side eye worthy.
    InLoveInQueensJediElizabethscrunchythiefbohobrideCA
  • I don't see anything wrong with this at all. I tend to believe the couple when they tell me something is meaningful to them. I think not going because YOU decided what should be important to them is way ruder than throwing a party for family and friends to celebrate a life milestone.
    OurWildKingdomguilletskichukbohobrideCArodigsorange
  • I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       
    InLoveInQueens
  • MCmeowMCmeow member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    I'm a little sympathetic to immigration issues because the US has some of the most ridiculous laws on immigration and it can destroy someone's life at any moment, it's not black and white. I don't think PPDs are ok but that could've been me and FH easily if there was no DACA, courthouse weddings are still beautiful and legit and real, it's too bad they had to rush things without wanting to but they should've had a celebration of marriage instead.
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    RosesAreRed13OurWildKingdom
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I just had this conversation with my DD and SIL. A friend of theirs is having a PPD after a church wedding several days earlier. She wants to have a church wedding and a beach wedding! I was trying to diplomatically say she should just make a choice and stick to it. No family pressure is involved with this. It is totally on the B&G. All I could do is roll my eyes! 
  • I just had this conversation with my DD and SIL. A friend of theirs is having a PPD after a church wedding several days earlier. She wants to have a church wedding and a beach wedding! I was trying to diplomatically say she should just make a choice and stick to it. No family pressure is involved with this. It is totally on the B&G. All I could do is roll my eyes! 
    Sounds similar to the PPD I went to recently... They had a small church wedding (only two people in attendance to serve as witnesses), and then a big to-do a year later. They did it because they wanted a church wedding, and they wanted it NOW, but they also wanted a big party and (I assume) needed the extra time to save up for it. At least everyone knew they were already married (well, they didn't hide it, but she didn't change her last name until after the second wedding). The bride recently posted on FB, on their anniversary, how they got married two years ago, and then had the "big wedding" last year. I love these people, but I do side-eye it. There was no reason to have the PPD.

    I will say this: I am PPD-lite, but having a registry for your PPD makes it FAR more side-eye worthy to me... Definitely makes it feel like a gift grab.
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    SP29scrunchythief
  • I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    This is where I am with PPDs.   Sometimes being right means being alone.   Is that worth it??  
    OurWildKingdom
  • banana468 said:
    I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    This is where I am with PPDs.   Sometimes being right means being alone.   Is that worth it??  
    Hey, we all have different opinions.  That's why I posted this on Snarky Brides after all!
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited June 2016
    I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    QFT. I do think this is one of those instances where a PPD is acceptable.

    ETA: I'm wondering if there's something getting lost in translation, if one or both of the friends is not a native English speaker, or if what we call a PPD is not only acceptable but encouraged in one or both of their cultures.
    kylexoMCmeow
  • MCmeowMCmeow member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    It's too bad you can't see past it. I had a friend who got deported 5 years ago. He was raised here, only knew English and didn't even know he was illegal. He was forced to go to a country he's never been in before and start his life over with nothing, no friends, family, job. He can't come back for 10 years (now 5). His mother is still here who is also illegal so they can't see each other. If this was the situation with your friend, please forgive them for using the wrong name, they were forced to do something they didn't want to rush into.
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    OurWildKingdom
  • I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    QFT. I do think this is one of those instances where a PPD is acceptable.

    ETA: I'm wondering if there's something getting lost in translation, if one or both of the friends is not a native English speaker, or if what we call a PPD is not only acceptable but encouraged in one or both of their cultures.
    The immigration issue wasn't about getting deported- he wasn't facing that.  He's been here for 10 years and has slowly been working towards becoming a citizen- no plans of ever leaving.  He couldn't move forward with the citizenship process at the step he was in until he was married.  They were already engaged at this point, so they figured they'd just get married and redo the ceremony later.  So, is this NOT considered a PPD?  Now I'm confused.  
  • MCmeowMCmeow member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    QFT. I do think this is one of those instances where a PPD is acceptable.

    ETA: I'm wondering if there's something getting lost in translation, if one or both of the friends is not a native English speaker, or if what we call a PPD is not only acceptable but encouraged in one or both of their cultures.
    The immigration issue wasn't about getting deported- he wasn't facing that.  He's been here for 10 years and has slowly been working towards becoming a citizen- no plans of ever leaving.  He couldn't move forward with the citizenship process at the step he was in until he was married.  They were already engaged at this point, so they figured they'd just get married and redo the ceremony later.  So, is this NOT considered a PPD?  Now I'm confused.  
    In that case I'm leaning a little more towards your side. (Sorry to keep bringing back examples from my life but it relates a ton because it's what I'm dealing with now). Me and FH had the option to get married right away and make his citizenship process go by faster, we were contemplating that for a while but we both wanted a celebration with our friends and family and we want them to witness our marriage so we are both willing to be patient and wait to have a "typical wedding" we know what we're sacrificing (we can't honeymoon outside of the US) but to us it's worth it. Since it wasn't urgent for them (hopefully it wasn't an emergency) then yeah I think a redo is wrong, it was a choice. If he was being deported, they had no choice. But so many people have the frame of mind that this is ok, it's not worth ruining a friendship over.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    QFT. I do think this is one of those instances where a PPD is acceptable.

    ETA: I'm wondering if there's something getting lost in translation, if one or both of the friends is not a native English speaker, or if what we call a PPD is not only acceptable but encouraged in one or both of their cultures.
    The immigration issue wasn't about getting deported- he wasn't facing that.  He's been here for 10 years and has slowly been working towards becoming a citizen- no plans of ever leaving.  He couldn't move forward with the citizenship process at the step he was in until he was married.  They were already engaged at this point, so they figured they'd just get married and redo the ceremony later.  So, is this NOT considered a PPD?  Now I'm confused.  
    I think it is.   But my point is, is it worth saying no just to be "right"?


    OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusic
  • I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    QFT. I do think this is one of those instances where a PPD is acceptable.

    ETA: I'm wondering if there's something getting lost in translation, if one or both of the friends is not a native English speaker, or if what we call a PPD is not only acceptable but encouraged in one or both of their cultures.
    The immigration issue wasn't about getting deported- he wasn't facing that.  He's been here for 10 years and has slowly been working towards becoming a citizen- no plans of ever leaving.  He couldn't move forward with the citizenship process at the step he was in until he was married.  They were already engaged at this point, so they figured they'd just get married and redo the ceremony later.  So, is this NOT considered a PPD?  Now I'm confused.  
    The only reason I am okay wit this situation is because they are not lying to anyone about it. I still consider it a PPD, and I side-eye it, especially since there was no risk of deportation. Sounds to me like they wanted the convenience of being married now, so the groom could move forward with his citizenship, but they also wanted the big to-do later. Personally, I think they should have made a decision and stuck to it. But at least they're not lying about it.
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    OurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueenspinupbride6189
  • RosesAreRed13RosesAreRed13 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    My main thing is this- me and FI are saving up for our own wedding, so I have been very selective in the events that I attend, whether they be wedding related or not.  I was invited to this girl's bachelorette party, wedding shower, and wedding.  These are extra expenses that I am declining as I need to make smart financial decisions.  In addition to making financial decisions, I feel like I am not out of line in not wanting to attend any of these events as they have been married for 2 years.  FI does not agree with me.  He will be attending the bachelor party in 2 months and wants to go to the wedding.  It will not affect our friendship with Jack and Jill if I don't attend- I will simply be declining, no explanation needed or given, so I will not be expressing my feelings about the PPD to the couple.  If FI decides to go, I have no problem with that. He always seems to need to have an excuse when we can't go to things (I am totally opposite- I don't feel the need to provide a reason as to why I can't attend something) Although I will just be declining, he's the type of person to just make up some excuse as to why I couldn't be there.  So all in all, the couple will not know, no friendships severed, etc.  

    ETA: Friends mentioned in OP have no idea that I will not be attending.  Me making that decision was between me and FI.  Discussion with friends was kind of just about everyone's thoughts on the wedding itself.
    InLoveInQueensScottishSarahspockforprez
  • I'd probably go, but not get a gift. If they want a big party, I'll celebrate with them if they really want it and I have nothing else going on. But I'm not going to "cover my plate" when I wasn't invited to the wedding, because it's entirely their decision to throw an expensive party unrelated to any actual milestone.
    This is how I feel too. I wouldn't not attend just on principle, especially if these were close friends. But I probably would not bring a gift (or if I did, it would be something small).

    OP, is the only reason you don't want to go because they were already married? Is this really a hill you want to die on? I mean, why not attend to celebrate with them? At the very least, you'll get to hang out with friends and eat a (hopefully) decent meal...
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    OurWildKingdom
  • edited June 2016
    **Removed for TOS Violation**
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I just wanted to clarify, that you both have referred to this as a celebration in your comments.  The couple are not referring this as a celebration, they are considering this to be their wedding and calling it a wedding.       

    Yes - I understood. Isn't it wonderful that your friend didn't get deported and now they want to share a ceremony and celebration that is meaningful and important to them with their friends and family? Do you really find the enforcing the legal definition of marriage more important than your friend's feelings?
    QFT. I do think this is one of those instances where a PPD is acceptable.

    ETA: I'm wondering if there's something getting lost in translation, if one or both of the friends is not a native English speaker, or if what we call a PPD is not only acceptable but encouraged in one or both of their cultures.
    The immigration issue wasn't about getting deported- he wasn't facing that.  He's been here for 10 years and has slowly been working towards becoming a citizen- no plans of ever leaving.  He couldn't move forward with the citizenship process at the step he was in until he was married.  They were already engaged at this point, so they figured they'd just get married and redo the ceremony later.  So, is this NOT considered a PPD?  Now I'm confused.  
    No it's definitely a PPD.  But the good news is that they aren't lying to you about already being married and they aren't trying to pass this off as their actual wedding.

    I think it's stupid for them to play dress up, reenact a ceremony- if that's what they are doing- but if they were my close friends I'd heavily roll my eyes at them yet still go and have a good time.

    And I'm saying this as a person who has immigration issues within my own family, so I don't take what they did lightly at all- they chose to get married to expedite his immigration process when he was already a legal US resident and was at no risk for deportation, so they had a marriage for convenience then, and now that ceremony wasn't good enough so they want the big floofy princess day.  That's shitty in my book, especially when there are thousands of people struggling to obtain legal entry into this county and cannot.

    I'd probably go, but not get a gift. If they want a big party, I'll celebrate with them if they really want it and I have nothing else going on. But I'm not going to "cover my plate" when I wasn't invited to the wedding, because it's entirely their decision to throw an expensive party unrelated to any actual milestone.
    This is how I feel too. I wouldn't not attend just on principle, especially if these were close friends. But I probably would not bring a gift (or if I did, it would be something small).

    OP, is the only reason you don't want to go because they were already married? Is this really a hill you want to die on? I mean, why not attend to celebrate with them? At the very least, you'll get to hang out with friends and eat a (hopefully) decent meal...

    I agree with you guys!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens
  • Sherbie25Sherbie25 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    ***removed for TOS violation***
    That's a strong reaction. 
    Reported x too much 
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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'd probably go, but not get a gift. If they want a big party, I'll celebrate with them if they really want it and I have nothing else going on. But I'm not going to "cover my plate" when I wasn't invited to the wedding, because it's entirely their decision to throw an expensive party unrelated to any actual milestone.
    Since you're saving for your own wedding, I think (hope) they would understand if you gave them a small gift or just a card. 
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    Lippenrieder said:
    ***removed for TOS violation***
    You win for strangest, most volatile reaction today.
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    bleve0821MCmeowPrettyGirlLostShesSoCold
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's definitely a PPD.

    I will say, I dislike them less if the couple isn't lying or pretending their wedding didn't happen. But in general, I think it's silly.

    I would definitely side eye the ceremony portion. But I'd still go, for a close friend. You are of course free to decline- as always- an invitation is not a subpoena. Finances are definitely a reason to decline (though they may not see it that way if FI attends).
    OurWildKingdom
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