Excluded for your comfort

DrillSergeantCat

I came across this article while pretending I don't need to get up and wanted to share it with you all. 

Not getting a wedding invite to a loved one's big day can sting, but it can often be rationalized. Maybe they're keeping things super small. Or they know attending their destination wedding would be too big of a financial burden on you. But in a recent wedding horror story posted on Reddit, one teen didn't make the cut to attend her aunt's wedding — because of her disability.

Redditor Zinogirl, who identifies herself as a 15-year-old girl, explained in a postpublished on July 7, "I'm just very upset now because my aunt's wedding is soon and I learned that I can't go to the wedding because she didn't invite me. I have a physical disability and I need crutches but I can handle myself. The invitation to our family says my parents and my brothers [not me]."

She went on to explain that her aunt claims, "that the venue isn't friendly and comfortable for me."

My [15F] aunt [33F] didn't invite me to her wedding while inviting my brothers [18/13M] and other cousins.Non-Romantic

submitted 15 days ago by Zinogirl

I'm just very upset now because my aunt's wedding is soon and I learned that I can't go to the wedding because she didn't invite me. I have a physical disability and I need crutches but I can handle myself. The invitation to our family says my parents and my brothers.

My dad talked to my aunt and she thought that the venue isn't friendly and comfortable for me and that's why she didn't invite me. If that's the only reason, isn't that something I should decide? Maybe I can handle myself in that venue. Maybe my brother and dad will help me if I needed help. She excluded me because I have a disability. My parents told me that I need to understand that it's her wedding and she gets to decide who comes and I can't be upset and I should respect her decision. I told them that if she thinks I'm not good enough to be at her wedding then I don't want to see her or talk to her again but they tell me that I should continue to be a good niece and respect her and be friendly with her. I don't understand why?

Do I have a right to be upset and not wanting to talk to her again?

tl;dr: Aunt didn't invite me to her wedding because I'm disabled and she thinks I can't handle the venue. I'm very upset and don't want to talk to her again but parents tell me it's not a big deal and expect me to forget about it and act as it never happened.

In a follow-up post Ziongirl published on July 19, said she had confronted her aunt, with her two brothers offering to boycott the wedding if an invite was not extended to their sis. The aunt insisted the lack of invite was for the teen's own comfort. As the post explains, "She said it's not pity it's genuine concern for my well-being. She doesn't want me [to] see other girls my age do the things I can't do and feel jealous and inadequate."

It's important to make your wedding day into something you're comfortable and happy with. But achieving that should never require discrimination.

eta-the article instead of a link

VarunaTT

HOLY. SHIT.

I can't with people today. I just can't.  

First of all, I wouldn't even consider a venue that wasn't tier-1 guest friendly.  But if I had to, I'd absolutely make sure I did everything possible to accommodate my tier-1 guest.

So much ableism.  Gross.

DrillSergeantCat

@VarunaTT the worst part to me was that her parents are telling her that she should suck it up and pressuring her brothers into going. 

VarunaTT

Right?!  What parent in this situation wouldn't advocate for their kid?  I'd be so furious.

ETA:  What AWESOME siblings.  Obviously, smarter than the rest of this damn family.

mrsconn23

I'm pissed that her parents supported the aunt.  Like what? 

kimmiinthemitten

 She doesn't want me [to] see other girls my age do the things I can't do and feel jealous and inadequate."

This makes me super ragey.  Did it ever occur to Aunt that maybe the girl is fine with who she is and what she can and can't do and maybe it never occurred to her to feel inadequate?  Oh my god.  I want to run this lady over with my car, and then a cement paver, and then an elephant.

MissKittyDanger

I saw this yesterday and was going to post. Appalled! Is the aunt that thick? All I kept thinking is why didn't aunt speak to niece and see if she would be okay with the venue? I mean in a sense of being sensitive to the situation before just assuming.

TrixieJess

When I was a kid my parents had a ramp built onto the back of our house because several of my father's friends were paraplegic. I thought this was normal. If I was this girl's aunt I would be going out of my way to accommodate this girl not exclude her. Good for her brothers, they obviously know what's up! Her parents though need a smack upside the head.  

thefanciestbeckler

This is just sickening to me. Sounds like the aunt was so caught up in her "vision" for the wedding that she wouldn't even take into consideration the convenience of her venue for her guests. We have lots of elderly people in my family as well as a few who are disabled, and I picked a venue that would work for them. We ruled out places that couldn't accommodate them. I can't even imagine how someone would feel ok about not inviting someone due to their disability.

ShesSoCold

I'm like, actually angry right now about this.

WTF.

jacques27

The aunt didn't do that for the girl's comfort; she did it for her own comfort.  My guess is because either crutches don't make for pretty pictures or because she's afraid maybe the girl will need assistance on the stairs or something and for two minutes someone will have to help "the cripple" and not pay attention to the bride.  

The girl is 15, presumably has left her house before and has already had years of watching other people do stuff she can't and seems to be coping just fine. I'm glad she has her brothers in that miserable family.  I honestly can't envision any venue that can't be negotiated with a little assistance for someone with crutches (wheelchair may be a different story). Is it being held on the side of a cliff? Even then, you let people make up their own damn mind as to whether they can handle it.  This makes me all sorts of ragey.

ETA: just clicked the actual link and the venue is wheelchair accessible. So that pretty much confirms the aunt is a selfish discriminatory b####.

MissKittyDanger

I keep coming back to this article. My nana has a walker due to back issues but we won't invite her somewhere that has stairs! We let her know ahead of time and be sure someone is there to take her arm and find the easiest way possible. For our wedding venue, that was very important to us since there were older people. Could everyone get in and around the area safely?
It's like our new home. I'm beyond glad we have a bathroom on the main level, because if she comes over it's easier. I don't mind assisting her but the stairs are quite narrow and unsafe for two people.

ThisShamanluvsaMage

God, what a bitch.  And the parents?  I'd be even more hurt by them.  If I were the girl, and I really wanted to go (and it was local,) I'd see if I could enlist a friend's help in crashing.  

Or maybe I wouldn't, but yhis would SERIOUSLY damage my relationship with my parents.  Screw a relationship with my aunt.

DrillSergeantCat

@ThisShamanluvsaMage I wouldn't go, but I certainly wouldn't talk to the aunt ever again. All of the comments I read on Reddit said basical the aunt can go fuck herself. One comment in particular said something along the lines of OP needs to tell her parents that because of this she no longer wishes to interact with aunt and when parents tell her that aunt is an adult and can make those decisions, then she should reply with, "Yes, aunt is the adult and I am following her lead. She didn't care about our relationship when she decided my disability should exclude me from her wedding and I am continuing along that line."

charlotte989875

This entire thing makes me ragey. That girl is stronger and more considerate than the aunt and parents combined. Good on her brothers too. 

*Barbie*

The girl needs to tell her parents and her aunt to "FUCK OFF!!!1!" (Yes, in all caps.)

The aunt doing that is bad enough, but I can't believe the parents are actually supporting the aunt discriminating against their daughter. I'm happy that the brothers stood up for their sister.

MesmrEwe

One can only hope the parents were trying to do the "Now be respectful! <with the eye>" (i.e. don't say something that would cause an even bigger situation down the road even if they agree with her) with a teen venting to them...  But - in this case, ole auntie gets the forever boot, that one is unrecoverable...  Invite the parents without the kids - NBD, but exclude the one child (even without the handicap factor) shows she doesn't give a rip about people and only her Bridal Vision... and why here we say "Bridal vision doesn't trump how you treat people!  People won't remember the matchy-matchy table linens, but they will remember how they were treated!".. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I can't believe those parents (or the aunt). If I were them, I would cut off relationship with that aunt. My husband calls me "Mrs. Ole Yeller" for a reason! Don't mess with my babies!

Jen4948

Why is the girl supposed to "be a good niece" and "respect" a rotten aunt who had such blatant disregard for her???????

I would not only never want to talk to the aunt again -- but  I would also never respect or want to talk to my parents again either if they treated me like that.

short+sassy

I had my wedding ceremony and reception halfway across the country from where my H and I live so my grandma could attend.  It wasn't the only reason, but it was a major one.

In light of that, picking an appropriate venue for one's disabled niece seems pretty small potatoes.  Oh wait!  According to @jacques27, it was an appropriate venue for the niece.  The aunt just didn't want her niece to see the other young women gallivanting around and be hurt/jealous by that.  Soooo... the better solution is to invite her whole family and exclude her?  Excusemewtf?

DrillSergeantCat

@short+sassy Right?? Doesn't that just deserve a giant

MuppetOverlord

This is disgusting. My husband is a wheelchair user and is often in the position as this woman because people make assumptions about his abilities and comfort level.

His friends and coworkers have gatherings and do not invite him because they don't think he'd be able to get into their house that isn't accessible.

OUR house isn't wheelchair accessible...it doesn't need to be. He sits most of the time but uses crutches at home for very short distances. 

Assume nothing. 

ILoveBeachMusic

MuppetOverlord said:

This is disgusting. My husband is a wheelchair user and is often in the position as this woman because people make assumptions about his abilities and comfort level.

His friends and coworkers have gatherings and not invite him because they don't think he'd be able to get into their house that isn't accessible.

OUR house isn't wheelchair accessible...it doesn't need to be. He sits most of the time but uses crutches at home for very short distances. 

Assume nothing. 

Your last two words say it all!

short+sassy

MuppetOverlord said:

This is disgusting. My husband is a wheelchair user and is often in the position as this woman because people make assumptions about his abilities and comfort level.

His friends and coworkers have gatherings and do not invite him because they don't think he'd be able to get into their house that isn't accessible.

OUR house isn't wheelchair accessible...it doesn't need to be. He sits most of the time but uses crutches at home for very short distances. 

Assume nothing. 

I had a good friend in college in a wheelchair.  Man, there is no place that young woman couldn't go!

There were a couple friends' houses/apartments in our group that had a few stairs.  She was NEVER not invited because of that.  Typically, one of the guys would pick her up and another one would carry her chair up the stairs.  30 seconds later, she was back in action.  But even that was rare when she needed any help.