Cash Bar/BYOB

glasgowtolondon

Hold on....cash bar and self catered? Oh lovely. Please take the good advice on offer in this thread.

LondonLisa

Knottie1460645307 said:

I am making my own flowers, my dress, the DJ and photographer are friends and giving us a good price. There is no photobooth. I am making my food, my cake. Our venue and reception is in the same building and discounted. My rings are passed down.
Our friends and family wanted us to have a party to celebrate with us rather than go to a courthouse. They also know all the personal tradgedy both my FI and I have dealt with that makes an expensive wedding impossible. We want to do it soon so that certain people can be with us to celebrate. I'm doing the best I can with the money I have.

Then change your plans- get married at 2, have cake, punch, afternoon tea for for all 250 until 5:30 or so. That's your wedding.

Then let everyone know you'll be going to X pub afterwards for a casual get together. You could even throw some money behind the bar for everyone. This is just a casual, no host after party but not your wedding reception. 

You are certainly welcome to have a budget wedding now, but you can't afford your wedding as planned. It's not ok to push that cost onto guests. 

Sure, maybe it isn't the evening dinner and dance affair, but you can't afford that, and you aren't willing to wait until you can or cut back elsewhere. Totally fine, but life is about choices. Your choice is to get married now but this means much more budget affair. 

NBSquared2017

I agree with PP. Cash bars are tacky and two glasses of wine is just a warm up for me. 

DrillSergeantCat

You ladies have really made some excellent analogies. I never considered a cash bar, but I couldn't ever put into words why it's a bad idea. Thank you for helping me with that. It's crazy to me that no one would ever ask their guest to pay for their own food, photos, favors, or to just chip in for whatever but so many have zero issue asking it when it comes to alcohol. 

SP29

LondonLisa said:

Knottie1460645307 said:

I am making my own flowers, my dress, the DJ and photographer are friends and giving us a good price. There is no photobooth. I am making my food, my cake. Our venue and reception is in the same building and discounted. My rings are passed down.
Our friends and family wanted us to have a party to celebrate with us rather than go to a courthouse. They also know all the personal tradgedy both my FI and I have dealt with that makes an expensive wedding impossible. We want to do it soon so that certain people can be with us to celebrate. I'm doing the best I can with the money I have.

Then change your plans- get married at 2, have cake, punch, afternoon tea for for all 250 until 5:30 or so. That's your wedding.

Then let everyone know you'll be going to X pub afterwards for a casual get together. You could even throw some money behind the bar for everyone. This is just a casual, no host after party but not your wedding reception. 

You are certainly welcome to have a budget wedding now, but you can't afford your wedding as planned. It's not ok to push that cost onto guests. 

Sure, maybe it isn't the evening dinner and dance affair, but you can't afford that, and you aren't willing to wait until you can or cut back elsewhere. Totally fine, but life is about choices. Your choice is to get married now but this means much more budget affair. 

This.

Yes, weddings are lovely. We all love weddings here. But all you need to get married is a marriage license, officiant and witness(es). Anything beyond that is icing on the cake (ha ha!) and a choice.

I get that your family and friends want to celebrate. I would too. But there are many ways to celebrate.

What you have currently planned, you cannot afford.

No one is going to tell you a cash bar is OK (and definitely no BYOB for legal reasons, in addition to that also being a faux pas).

I suggest either a lunch reception or afternoon cake and punch reception where you can nix the alcohol (or have mimosas or champagne toast) and simplify your food provided. You still get married, still get to celebrate with family and friends but you can significantly decrease your budget and still be etiquette friendly.

STARMOON44

You have 250 closest nearest and dearest people? If you can afford to host 50, invite 50. 

kimmiinthemitten

250 guests
Self Catered
Cash Bar

You have to decide what's more important to you....

an evening reception with all the fixings fully hosted by you with far fewer people 

or

Hosting all 250 people who have asked you to skip the courthouse with a simple cake and punch reception served not at a meal time prepared by someone who has insurance and formal education in food safety

TrixieJess

Whoa 250 guests? Cut that guest list! Do not self-cater! Do not have a "toonie bar"!

Look, we went to a wedding a couple of years ago and met up with a couple of people beforehand and discussing whether this was going to be a cash bar wedding. Suffice it to say, it was not a popular notion, thankfully it was open bar. 

We are are all paying for our own weddings, have the wedding you can afford!

OurWildKingdom

Knottie1460645307 said:

I know I'm going to catch some flack here because, yes, we are doing a cash bar (all drinks $2.00).
It's not something I wanted to do but my fiances family are huge drinkers.

SITB

This is highly insulting, assuming that your future in-laws want to drink so badly that they'll be willing to pay on an occasion when they shouldn't have to.

Also, all drinks $2.00? Are you going to charge a pregnant woman for water? A diabetic for diet soda? A parent who just wants to get lemonade for their child(ren). Are you kidding me?

Cash bars are for networking events (and if I have to pay $2.50 for cranberry and soda, I'm probably not going to stay any longer than I have to) NOT wedding receptions.

SquirttheTurtle

Do you have to buy liquor from your venue or are you able to bring in your own?

We were able to do our own bar the way we wanted and saved a ton.  We bought soda and water from Sam's club; had 2 signature cocktails (where we were able to control the quality (ie cheaper) of the brands of liquor used); got cases of wine from Trader Joe's; and had 3 kegs of beer.  We had so much left over and no one complained that there wasn't enough options (in fact, we got a lot of compliments on our signature cocktails).  When all was said and done we spend a little over $700 for our bar.

H & I both come from families of big drinkers.  H's sister is getting married in a few months and they are having a cash bar because (and I quote the groom on this) "We're not paying for everyone to get drunk"...we have to pay for everything, including soda, and there is NO cocktail hour.  It's like being asked over to her house for dinner and being told to bring my own drink; guess I'll just stick to water.

CMGragain

Oh, please!  Treat your guests as adults, not spoiled children who will have a tantrum if they can't get their favorite toy. 
This is my own priority list:

Couple who wants to get married
Officiant
License
Witnesses
Rings
Guests
Chairs for each guest
Venue  (I don't know many venues that will allow 250 guests!)
Food, dishes and tableware
Drink (alcohol not required)
Invitations
Flowers
Wedding dress
Music and DJ
Alcohol
Limousines

Notice that after the first four requirements, most things are centered on your guests convenience.  At no time do they need to have money to pay for anything at your wedding!  Time of day makes a big difference in costs.

Have the wedding that you can afford.  Trying to have a big wedding (and 250 guests is HUGE!) without being able to pay for it is the ultimate in tacky behavior.

CMGragain

Knottie1460645307 said:

I am making my own flowers, my dress, the DJ and photographer are friends and giving us a good price. There is no photobooth. I am making my food, my cake. Our venue and reception is in the same building and discounted. My rings are passed down.
Our friends and family wanted us to have a party to celebrate with us rather than go to a courthouse. They also know all the personal tradgedy both my FI and I have dealt with that makes an expensive wedding impossible. We want to do it soon so that certain people can be with us to celebrate. I'm doing the best I can with the money I have.

There are many, many brides who chose to get married privately with no celebration.  They are just as married as the ones who spent $50,000 on a big, blowout wedding.

This is your wedding - yours and your FI's.  It is rude for anyone to demand an invitation.  It is rude for any guest to complain about the lack of alcohol, or type of food at your reception.  All you have to do is to host them appropriately, not necessarily what they want or expect.

Why do you know so many rude people?   And why would you want them at your wedding?

MuppetOverlord

Oh I haven't answered one of these in a while! 

Plan the wedding you can plan to afford to properly host your guests. If you are unwilling to change your parameters, no problem, push out your date to give you more time to save.  

For us, it meant we invited fewer people and hosted a limited bar with a few signature drinks, beer, wine, and soft drinks.  If the venue allows you to bring your own alcohol, buy a few bottles of things a week and put them aside. 

If I attend a cash bar wedding, no, it doesn't personally offend me, I'm used to them...until they charge me for soft drinks. Then, I literally think about it every time their name comes up...FOR LIFE. Some of my friends are like that about all aspects of all cash bars. No one is ever going to say it to your face.

This past weekend, I happened to attend a backyard wedding. It was BYOB, only, we didn't know that. My MIL started taking things out of coolers and later realized it was what other people brought for themselves. It was very embarrassing. The only beverage they provided for their guests: water. 

CMGragain

At daughter's wedding,we actually paid more for the soft drinks than for the mimosas and bloody marys.

MuppetOverlord

It's the summer, they can stock up on the soft drinks too! $2 sales for a 12 pack recently. Heck, I just bought a bunch of bottles for .25 from a flash sale. 

goin2vegas

Not sure where you are in Canada but if you're in AB, then you couldn't do a BYOB and cash bar, even if you wanted to (or should....you shouldn't). The liquor laws are pretty clear about serving alcohol and people bringing their own. I can't imagine other provinces being any different. If you are charging for alcohol, then that's what the license will state. If people are bringing their own (or you are providing it) and nothing will be charged, then that's what your license will state. They are two separate licences and are not interchangeable. Both have different conditions that must be followed, so you can't do both at the same time. Legally anyways.

Yes, toonie bars are very common here. I've never been to a wedding that hasn't had one, other than my first wedding because my mother wouldn't be caught dead charging friends and family for drinks at her daughters wedding. She still feels that way and has made it very clear to my brother and his fiancé, who are getting married next summer, how rude it is to charge your guests. Just because they are so common here, doesn't make it right. Host what you can afford. If that means a limited bar, then so be it. You don't need to serve everyone signature cocktails and shots all night. If people don't like what you have to offer, then they will drink pop, coffee, water, etc.

TrixieJess

goin2vegas said:

Not sure where you are in Canada but if you're in AB, then you couldn't do a BYOB and cash bar, even if you wanted to (or should....you shouldn't). The liquor laws are pretty clear about serving alcohol and people bringing their own. I can't imagine other provinces being any different. If you are charging for alcohol, then that's what the license will state. If people are bringing their own (or you are providing it) and nothing will be charged, then that's what your license will state. They are two separate licences and are not interchangeable. Both have different conditions that must be followed, so you can't do both at the same time. Legally anyways.

Yes, toonie bars are very common here. I've never been to a wedding that hasn't had one, other than my first wedding because my mother wouldn't be caught dead charging friends and family for drinks at her daughters wedding. She still feels that way and has made it very clear to my brother and his fiancé, who are getting married next summer, how rude it is to charge your guests. Just because they are so common here, doesn't make it right. Host what you can afford. If that means a limited bar, then so be it. You don't need to serve everyone signature cocktails and shots all night. If people don't like what you have to offer, then they will drink pop, coffee, water, etc.

Must not be in Ontario either, it's more expensive to do a cash bar than an open bar and you cannot BYOB, unless you pay big bucks in extra liability insurance and a special liquor license.

Heffalump

Knottie1460645307 said:

Having difficulty on drawing the line on guest comfort and proper etiquette as they should be one in the same from what I've gathered.
Rude to have a cash bar.
Rude to not accommodate what guests want.

Wedding planning is a terrible rubics cube of death.

Wedding planning is..."a terrible rubics [sic] cube of death?"



If it really is that dramatic for you, then take a step back and change your strategy.  Yes, people say that guests' comfort should be foremost.  That's just good hosting, whether for a wedding, birthday party, or backyard barbecue.  No one anywhere says that need to let your guests dictate the terms of your event. 

Offer them good hospitality (i.e. no one has to foot the bill for something you invited them to; no one is hungry or thirsty) within your budget.  That's it.

If people have the nerve to complain that they would prefer something different, then they are always free to RSVP no.  You will never please everyone, so focus on being a good host and don't stress about the rest.

Oh, and 250 people on a tight budget? Oy.  I agree with PP: if possible, take a long, hard look at that number. 

MaggieF1990

I'm surprised more people haven't mentioned your plans to self-cater. Self-catering for 250 sounds like a terribly stressful day. If you do a search on these boards you can find plenty of reasons why that's not a good idea - food safety, keeping food warm, not stressing yourself out... the list goes on and on.

As others have mentioned, you are probably not allowed to do BYOB. We were even advised against having friends (who have liquor licenses through restaurant jobs) bartend because their individual liquor license doesn't offer the same liability coverage as a caterer/restaurant's license. We ended up providing the alcohol (which saved us a lot of money) but using the caterer's bartenders.

MuppetOverlord

MaggieF1990 said:

I'm surprised more people haven't mentioned your plans to self-cater. Self-catering for 250 sounds like a terribly stressful day. If you do a search on these boards you can find plenty of reasons why that's not a good idea - food safety, keeping food warm, not stressing yourself out... the list goes on and on.

Good point. The BYOB wedding I went to this weekend was also a potluck wedding. No one was really managing the food and it was in the 90s that day. As a guest, I actively considered that I had no idea how the food was transported and maintained through the day. It was impossible to have enough fridge space to accommodate it all and there was an awful lot of spoilable items. I only ate things that were freshly cooked or unable to make me sick. 

DrillSergeantCat

I went to a friend's house once and she decided to make brownies. I had eaten her brownies at work before and thought nothing of it. However, when she pulled plates out of the cabinet, roaches scattered and I had to wash roach poop off my plate. It is for that reason that I no longer eat food from people's home, if I've not personally seen their kitchen.

bleve0821

DrillSergeantCat said:

I went to a friend's house once and she decided to make brownies. I had eaten her brownies at work before and thought nothing of it. However, when she pulled plates out of the cabinet, roaches scattered and I had to wash roach poop off my plate. It is for that reason that I no longer eat food from people's home, if I've not personally seen their kitchen.

cowgirl8238

@drillsergeantcat that is absolutely HORRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think I could ever eat at a potluck event again!!!!

As a bonus...all the food I cook comes with free cat hair, because I have cats, and cats shed, and it gets EVERYWHERE...doesn't matter that I clean my food prep area before I start, sweep my kitchen daily, brush my cats daily, and just generally keep a clean house.  I feel like its just in the air all the time!

spockforprez

Knottie1460645307 said:

I am making my own flowers, my dress, the DJ and photographer are friends and giving us a good price. There is no photobooth. I am making my food, my cake. Our venue and reception is in the same building and discounted. My rings are passed down.
Our friends and family wanted us to have a party to celebrate with us rather than go to a courthouse. They also know all the personal tradgedy both my FI and I have dealt with that makes an expensive wedding impossible. We want to do it soon so that certain people can be with us to celebrate. I'm doing the best I can with the money I have.

3 months before our planned wedding day, we had a personal tragedy when my husband sustained severe injuries from being hit by a car, which prevented us from having the wedding we planned. Instead, we got married with 12 guests in the chapel at the hospital, for about $400 (not including my dress or our rings, since those aren't factors in your situation). My friends and family who were not invited to the new, tiny wedding understood that the most important thing to us was getting married and that celebration parties including them could wait for another time. Even so, we still received numerous messages of congratulations, calls, texts, cards, even some gifts. They were truly with us in spirit.  Seven months after our wedding we'll have a big, open house party to celebrate our marriage. That was the soonest we could do it for medical and logistical reasons. It's not ideal but it will be a sweet way to represent healing and moving forward.

Your issue here is not really your budget, it's your guest count. 250 people is 150-200 too many for your budget. Your bolded comment about "certain people" makes it sound like family members with health issues. So, get married with those certain people plus your parents, siblings, grandparents, and a handful of friends. You absolutely, 10000% do that for less than 100 people, and that's your alcohol and food budget slashed in half. Go to Costco or another warehouse club to buy a few cases of beer and wine and call it a day. 

In addition to reducing your guest list by at least 50%, I would advise you to have a morning or afternoon wedding at a non-meal time and provide snack foods like veggies, fruit, crackers, and cake. People will drink less at a wedding like that which further reduces your expenses.

Part of being mature enough to get married is being mature enough to make choices based on facts and what's right, not wishes and visions.

aurianna

MuppetOverlord said:

Good point. The BYOB wedding I went to this weekend was also a potluck wedding. No one was really managing the food and it was in the 90s that day. As a guest, I actively considered that I had no idea how the food was transported and maintained through the day. It was impossible to have enough fridge space to accommodate it all and there was an awful lot of spoilable items. I only ate things that were freshly cooked or unable to make me sick. 

I have never been invited to a pot luck wedding. For the longest time I never even knew they existed.
And you've gone to at least two now? How'd you "luck out" with that?

MuppetOverlord

I've been to 2 total because I met my husband and he knows "interesting people" with "interesting ideas". MIL tells me that this is "common" and all 3 of her weddings were pot luck. She tried to get us to have a pot luck wedding.

I have photos and videos of this one too because it is also unbelievable without documented proof. A few people on here can testify to that, as I live posted it to them! However, it is not as bad as Tacktackular wedding (which is still my favorite story to tell). 

This one included a "bra pong" game. 

madamerwin

a) Self-catering for 250 people is a really, really bad idea. When do you plan to prep and cook the food? How will you ensure foods maintain the proper safe temperatures during transport and at the reception? Who is setting up/serving/cleaning up? Self-catering for 250 is drastically different from self-catering a dinner for 25 people (which is still super difficult).

b) I am also the type who would prefer a cash bar to a dry wedding. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be super annoyed that the hosts were making me pay for part of their reception, or that I don't think it's tacky AF to have a cash bar. It just means that I would rather suck it up and pay a few bucks for a beer rather than not have one at a wedding. I guarantee many guests will think it's rude to have a cash bar, even if they said they would prefer it to a dry wedding.

Take a good long look at your guest list and cut it down to the number you can afford. If that means hiring a real caterer and paying for drinks for 30 people, so be it. If anyone asks whether they are invited/why they are not invited to your wedding, you just say "Unfortunately, due to our budget we were not able to invite everyone we would have liked to." And then change the subject. No one is entitled to a wedding invitation, and they are rude to push the subject. 

aurianna

MuppetOverlord said:

This one included a "bra pong" game. 

I feel like my life is a little less complete because I didn't have this at my wedding.

[Deleted User]

It's not your responsibility to provide enough booze for your guests to all get drunk. Nothing wrong with limiting bar to wine & beer or even having a dry wedding. If someone decides to skip your wedding because you aren't having a full bar, then do you really want them there? And as for the BYOB, have you confirmed with your venue if that's ok? Not all venues will let you bring in your own booze.

MuppetOverlord

cowgirl8238 said:

@drillsergeantcat that is absolutely HORRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think I could ever eat at a potluck event again!!!!

As a bonus...all the food I cook comes with free cat hair, because I have cats, and cats shed, and it gets EVERYWHERE...doesn't matter that I clean my food prep area before I start, sweep my kitchen daily, brush my cats daily, and just generally keep a clean house.  I feel like its just in the air all the time!

@drillsergeantcat I am incredibly picky about what I eat from people's homes for essentially those reasons and similar experiences. I see people lick spoons and stick them back in the batter too. If I don't know the kitchen it came from, I often avoid it. If I go to an event where I don't know a lot of the people well, I might eat a light meal beforehand and I always bring something I know I can enjoy.  

@cowgirl8238 I have dogs and the hair def gets everywhere, no matter how clean you are. I make cakes as a hobby, they look moderately professional. I continually get asked to make wedding cakes or cakes for parties for $ and i always refuse to because despite the fact that I clean, wash my hands constantly, change my clothes if i went near a dog or sat on a couch... It's possible a hair could end up in the cake and I don't want to responsible for that.  I'm immune to hair personally, but horrified to see it end up in something intended for others. I inspect so much.