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Bridesmaid issue

edited August 2016 in Wedding Party
Hello everyone. I'm new to posting on here. I need some advice.
 
I have a bridesmaid who...hasn't been all that kind. 
in order to be flexible with everyone's requests for a budget range for dresses I found a company who offers rentals or the option to purchase. Luckily my maid of honor has rented dresses from this company for two weddings she's been in previously and said they were fantastic. Recently it was brought to my attention (by coworkers) that the bridesmaid has been talking very negatively about the bridesmaid dresses- the rental option from the company- "that is so gross and so cheap of her to choose a company that rents dresses" and the style of the dresses, she went as far as to say "I don't like the one she chose for the bridesmaids, I'm just going to get the one she chose for her maid of honor and she'll have to deal with it." 
She has been very negatively opinionated and vocal in the past about other things as well, which I have awkwardly had to talk to her about because I was hearing it from others, she said "it wasn't something I felt I needed to say to you"......I don't know if she was trying to spare my feelings or what, but to me it hurts worse hearing it from other people.

I honestly don't know what to do. Or what I can do. I feel like I'm repeating myself at this point with all of the things *she* doesn't like. I offered for her to have the option to be a guest rather than a bridesmaid if she didn't feel comfortable with the pricing or options for the dresses when she first started complaining to others and she responded "no it's fine".
 
Am I being not picky? Her behavior does not communicate friendship, respect, or a real desire to be an honest participant on one of the biggest days of my life. But maybe I'm just being crazy? I don't know.  

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Re: Bridesmaid issue

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    It was really considerate of you to take their budget into consideration and go with the rental so that you could have the best of both worlds. Really using a rental is no different than buying off the rack when 10 other people may have already tried it on and it's entirely possible that this particular dress is brand new. 

    I don't feel like you're being picky and you're correct that her behavior is not friendly, respectful, or kind. You need to go have another talk with her about the things you've heard and especially about her completely disregarding your wishes about the dresses. The fact that she is going behind your back also says she's a coward.

    You need to decide if you even want to remain friends with this person. If the answer is no, you might want to think about removing her from your bridal party. No one needs friends like that. 
  • Hello everyone. I'm new to posting on here. I need some advice.
     
    I have a bridesmaid who...hasn't been all that kind. 
    in order to be flexible with everyone's requests for a budget range for dresses I found a company who offers rentals or the option to purchase. Luckily my maid of honor has rented dresses from this company for two weddings she's been in previously and said they were fantastic. Recently it was brought to my attention (by coworkers) that the bridesmaid has been talking very negatively about the bridesmaid dresses- the rental option from the company- "that is so gross and so cheap of her to choose a company that rents dresses" and the style of the dresses, she went as far as to say "I don't like the one she chose for the bridesmaids, I'm just going to get the one she chose for her maid of honor and she'll have to deal with it." 
    She has been very negatively opinionated and vocal in the past about other things as well, which I have awkwardly had to talk to her about because I was hearing it from others, she said "it wasn't something I felt I needed to say to you"......I don't know if she was trying to spare my feelings or what, but to me it hurts worse hearing it from other people.

    I honestly don't know what to do. Or what I can do. I feel like I'm repeating myself at this point with all of the things *she* doesn't like. I offered for her to have the option to be a guest rather than a bridesmaid if she didn't feel comfortable with the pricing or options for the dresses when she first started complaining to others and she responded "no it's fine".
     
    Am I being not picky? Her behavior does not communicate friendship, respect, or a real desire to be an honest participant on one of the biggest days of my life. But maybe I'm just being crazy? I don't know.  


    I mean, regardless of anything else, if she has a problem with something, she shouldn't gossip. She should talk to you directly. But that sounds like more of a "friend problem" than a "bridesmaid problem" KWIM?

    So you are within her budget, right? Can you post a pic of the BM dress?

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    OliveOilsMom
  • I'm really new to the posting stuff so bare with me....
    The blue is the color of the dresses for reference.
    The budget hits everyone's request, a couple said they could only budget for $150 the other two said no more than $250, the rental is $75 and to purchase is around $190
    SP29
  • I thought the same thing as well about being a friend problem, but the issues aren't friend topics ya know? They're all revolving around the wedding, so I feel like maybe its a problem on both fronts?
  • Southernbelle, you're right. I guess regardless of it being wedding related, a friend wouldn't talk crap behind my back. I've always heard it was really taboo to kick someone out of a wedding party, but I also feel like if it's already starting and we're still 9 months out, will it get worse? How many more conversations do I need to have with her before it stops?

    I guess if I'm able to ask myself these questions a full reevaluation needs to be had. 
  • I feel like by calling you "cheap" to use a place that offers rentals, she is really insulting the two BMs with lower budgets, right? Like, in her mind they're the cheap ones who can't afford to buy the dress. 

    The dress is pretty simple. Do you offer it in other cuts? Did you ask your BMs if they liked the dress before you picked it?

    Either way, it's clear she's not being very nice, just wanted to play devils advocate a little. Maybe she really doesn't feel comfortable in the dress? The comments about you being cheap for choosing a place that offers rentals (when you're really just being respectful to lower budgets) is on her no matter what though.
  • It IS taboo to kick someone out of your wedding because it'll end the friendship. But if you don't want to continue this friendship, then you'll be saving everyone time, money, and emotionally energy if things are going to wane anyway.
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    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I agree with Southernbelle here.  You have more friendship issues than BM issues.  Regardless, she shouldn't be talking badly about your wedding behind your back.  Another issue is that you work with this person.  So regardless of you kicking her out of the WP or ending the friendship, you still have to see her everyday at work.

    So you need to have a big talk with her.  In addition to what Southernbelle says above, I think that you should add in how every negative thing she has said about your wedding to co-workers is getting back to you.  Tell her you don't want her talking about the wedding to co-workers (Sidenote - are you inviting all co-workers?  We usually tell brides to keep wedding talk to a minimum at work, unless they are able to invite those they are talking with. It can make for easier work relations).

    Overall, it sounds like you need to let this friendship fizzle out.  That might mean she is a BM at your wedding and then you slowly fade her out of your outside work life.  But if you no longer want her in your wedding, just end the friendship.  Her being a BM will naturally fall to the side.  You kicking her out of your wedding makes you look bad and a crazy bridezilla, which will apparently, be spoken about all around your job.  So you need to play this extra careful or you look like the bad guy.

    SP29
  • Kahlua, she is one of the ones with the lower budget. 
  • Knottie13275613 said:
    Kahlua, she is one of the ones with the lower budget. 

    Wow - how rude, you graciously accounted for her perfectly reasonable budget with a perfectly reasonable offer (rental for $75) and she has the nerve to call you cheap?
  • I sent everyone to look at the ones that I thought suited everyone fairly, they're all different shapes sizes and heights so I tried to pick something that would fit everyone comfortably and would also look nicely on them. The bridesmaid of topic never got back to me on what she liked most, even after asking a few times, and it's honestly still up to them what they choose, my maid of honor wanted strapless so we picked one that she really liked, 2 girls have larger chests and chose the pictured dress and one other. The only thing I told them is that I wanted my maid of honor in a different dress, the rest was their choice so long as they were happy.
     
    I honestly don't talk about the wedding at all at work. I try to keep myself as a bride out of my work, plus I figure no one wants to hear about it, if they ask about it, I'll answer but keep them short and to the point. 
    We only work together periodically, I'm also a full time student so I can only work mids or evenings, I'm at the front desk and she's a stylist so our paths hardly cross (surprisingly). 
    Part of me feels like perhaps our friendship is on its way out naturally, I figure if she's not talking to me and talking to others about everything, that can't say much about our friendship to begin with. 
    One of the individuals whom she was gossiping to most recently is from another salon and we have never met, which renders me speechless in of itself. 

    Olive, I feel like even if I ended the friendship I could still be painted as a crazy bridezilla. 
  • edited August 2016
    @KahluaKoala
    Yes. When I was asking them about level of comfort she wasnt a fan of spending "hundreds of dollars on a dress" she could "never wear again." I talked to her and asked what is reasonable for her to spend if she HAD to buy a dress and it wasn't something she would wear again, she gave me her limit. I honestly thought I hit the jack pot on the rental and it being well under budget. 
  • Really off topic and I'm sorry, but what designer is that dress from? Where are you getting it from? 
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The dress is fine. I think it's nice there is an option to rent for a cheaper price.

    @aurianna $40 to rent a tux?!?!? My DH paid over $200 to rent a tux for a friend's wedding.

    I agree this is a friendship issue- she's talking about you behind your back, not being upfront regarding her concerns. That would really peeve me off. I'm very non-confrontational, but at the same time, if you have problem with me, come deal with ME, don't take it to someone else who can't solve the problem anyway.

    When she said, "I didn't think it was something you needed to hear", if she ever says that again, I would tell her that if you don't need to hear it, your co-workers do not either. If something is bothering her that much, she can come talk to you directly like an adult.

    Up to you how you wish to proceed. I would definitely have a heart to heart, wedding aside, make sure everything is OK in her life. Then you can bring the wedding details in if you want. Kicking her out of the WP would be a friendship ending move, but that's your decision to make. It will be trickier as you work with her, so I would be less inclined to do that, even if you let the relationship fizzle. I would tell her, "This is the BM dress I have chosen, which accommodates everyone's budget. You know the dress and the details on ordering, so I'll it up to you. If you don't want to wear it, your welcome to attend as a guest".
    DrillSergeantCatGoingGoshkoOliveOilsMom
  • edited August 2016
    @Ironring
    unionstation.com
    its called the Olivia 
  • edited August 2016
    @sp29
    I have always tried talking to her to make sure everything is ok, she went through a rough patch and talked to me daily about it, but since then everything seems to be going very well according to her, she's got some relationship problems here and there with her ex, but unfortunately there isn't much I can do there, and all conversations about it now are cyclical, kind of like beating a dead horse. Par for the course with exes I suppose. 
    I've asked her out to dinner, I even had a girls night at the house a few times, she's said yes to coming, instead she's blown me off every single time, I've looked past it and have rainchecked and rescheduled, all with the same results. 
    I'm truly at a loss. I don't know how many more "hey is everything ok?" conversations I can have or how many more times I can tell her "you know if this is too much or not something you can commit to, I'd rather you come as a guest than worry about financial stuff." 
    At this point it more seems like she's inconsiderate and not the kind of friend I thought she was.  
  • @aurianna somehow I totally missed your comment. 
    when I sent them the website I told them "hey look this has the option to rent or buy" and my maid of honor has used the company twice and could vouch for them. I told them they could still go to David's bridal, and they still have that option, they just have to match the color as closely as possible.
    The bridesmaid on topic: only thing she asked for was something that hid her tummy and had sleeves (she lost a lot of weight and she's self conscious about both). Unfortunately neither one of us could find a dress with sleeves she liked so I told her to consider a bolero or maybe a wrap of some sort. I even said that myself or my MIL could make her something custom if she couldn't find something she truly enjoyed if that helped. She still has the option to find something with sleeves. I haven't taken that away nor would I ever. 
    $190 is brand new. Guaranteed never used. And for my MOH she said both times she rented the dresses were brand new with tags, not hedging my bets this will absolutely happen, but it's a possibility I communicated to everyone. 
    I have stressed to everyone that if they are unsure of the options to go try something on and find what they like. I only asked that they all be the same length and similar in style- before the choices were literally all over the place- I don't mind the mismatched bridesmaids but it looked messy and there were a lot of conflicting styles. I took in to consideration everyone's original choices and together we have found dresses that have a little more cohesion, and ultimately they decided in favor of the Olivia. Except the bridesmaid of topic who has yet to communicate anything dress-related directly to me. 
    They still have a good but of time before they need to order and I asked that everyone wait, try on other dresses, and really think about what they're going to be comfortable in before ordering from anywhere. 



  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @aurianna somehow I totally missed your comment. 
    when I sent them the website I told them "hey look this has the option to rent or buy" and my maid of honor has used the company twice and could vouch for them. I told them they could still go to David's bridal, and they still have that option, they just have to match the color as closely as possible.
    The bridesmaid on topic: only thing she asked for was something that hid her tummy and had sleeves (she lost a lot of weight and she's self conscious about both). Unfortunately neither one of us could find a dress with sleeves she liked so I told her to consider a bolero or maybe a wrap of some sort. I even said that myself or my MIL could make her something custom if she couldn't find something she truly enjoyed if that helped. She still has the option to find something with sleeves. I haven't taken that away nor would I ever. 
    $190 is brand new. Guaranteed never used. And for my MOH she said both times she rented the dresses were brand new with tags, not hedging my bets this will absolutely happen, but it's a possibility I communicated to everyone. 
    I have stressed to everyone that if they are unsure of the options to go try something on and find what they like. I only asked that they all be the same length and similar in style- before the choices were literally all over the place- I don't mind the mismatched bridesmaids but it looked messy and there were a lot of conflicting styles. I took in to consideration everyone's original choices and together we have found dresses that have a little more cohesion, and ultimately they decided in favor of the Olivia. Except the bridesmaid of topic who has yet to communicate anything dress-related directly to me. 
    They still have a good but of time before they need to order and I asked that everyone wait, try on other dresses, and really think about what they're going to be comfortable in before ordering from anywhere. 



    Since you have also offered David's Bridal as an option, I think you are being more than considerate. DB has many styles and many options under $150 brand new. Not a ton of dresses available with sleeves in the main stream, so I also think it was considerate to tell her to wear a shrug or other.

    Up to you to decide how you want to navigate the friendship. Whatever happens there, the WP will follow.
    DrillSergeantCat
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2016
    Your friend is gossiping and venting about your your wedding.
    Another friend, who hears the gossip, repeats it to you.

    Yeah, you have a friend problem, but it might not be the person who you think.  Why would a friend repeat gossip that they knew would bother you?  Why would they come to you with it?  Your friend who hear the gossip or unkind comments should have kept her mouth shut.  What were they trying to accomplish by telling you this?

    Try talking to your bridesmaid privately and find out if any of this is the truth.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    STARMOON44
  • @CMGragain I was informed of the gossip via coworkers not just a friend. Not only is she my friend, she's a bridesmaid, so it's a bridesmaid gossiping about my wedding. And she's done it before. On numerous occasions. And even if she was gossiping to just a friend, why shouldn't they tell me? Clearly if she feels the need to gossip, there's an issue and I feel that I should be aware of it. Like a previous poster said, no one needs friends like that.

    im not sure how much of my original post you read, but It was mentioned that we have had to talk in the past about things she's complained about to others before, people not even a part of the wedding, rather than talking about her concerns with me directly. This just happens to be another offense and honestly, the straw that is seemingly breaking the camels back. 

  • Why is this person still in your wedding party?
    Put the wedding aside, if she was behaving this way about normal stuff, would you stay friends with her, or would you cut her out of your life?
    That's your answer. It is your wedding day. You don't need the additional stress of simmering resentment and tension between you and a BM.
    GoingGoshko
  • edited August 2016
    @Knottie1468762631
    Yea I was kind of thinking the same thing. It's hard to talk to others to make sure that I'm not just being a butt-hurt bride which is why I came here. But you're right, I would have honestly already nipped this shit in the butt and pulled her out of my life if it didn't include the fact that she is a BM.
    We haven't spoken a single word in almost 3 days and we've worked together 2 of them so it seems like it might be taking care of itself, I sent her a text asking if we could get coffee one day, she hasn't responded. I'm not going to continue to try. I think I've put forward enough of my own effort at this point.
  • I would like to thank everyone for their input on this matter, it's never easy having to deal with crappy friends and it seems especially hard given the fact that I asked her to be a BM....I appreciate being able to come here to vent and seek advice, it's hard to talk to others in my life who aren't in similar situations.
    You guys have all been a great help.
    SP29short+sassy
  • @CMGragain I was informed of the gossip via coworkers not just a friend. Not only is she my friend, she's a bridesmaid, so it's a bridesmaid gossiping about my wedding. And she's done it before. On numerous occasions. And even if she was gossiping to just a friend, why shouldn't they tell me? Clearly if she feels the need to gossip, there's an issue and I feel that I should be aware of it. Like a previous poster said, no one needs friends like that.

    im not sure how much of my original post you read, but It was mentioned that we have had to talk in the past about things she's complained about to others before, people not even a part of the wedding, rather than talking about her concerns with me directly. This just happens to be another offense and honestly, the straw that is seemingly breaking the camels back. 

    I still think you should ask HER what is going on.  I hate second hand information.  It is so often inaccurate.  From your text, you sound like you are just acting on what others have told you, and you have not actually asked your bridesmaid about it.
    If you knew your friend was unreliable, why did you choose her to be a bridesmaid in the first place?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • @@CMGragain she was never like this before, it's honestly only been recently as a BM that she has been talking negatively behind my back, in the past I have asked her, with the other situations, and she has admitted to them and said it wasn't something she felt she needed to talk to me about, which doesn't make much sense. I have tried to reach out to her since posting this, unfortunately I'm not getting a response via text or returned phone call. We shall see how it pans out, I'm not acting on anything until I talk to her.
  • @@CMGragain she was never like this before, it's honestly only been recently as a BM that she has been talking negatively behind my back, in the past I have asked her, with the other situations, and she has admitted to them and said it wasn't something she felt she needed to talk to me about, which doesn't make much sense. I have tried to reach out to her since posting this, unfortunately I'm not getting a response via text or returned phone call. We shall see how it pans out, I'm not acting on anything until I talk to her.
    It sounds like the price or dress is not actually the issue. 

    In my opinion, if you agree to participate in a wedding party, you should be well aware of the costs and time associated with the commitment. If you cannot uphold that commitment, that is when you should bow out gracefully or have a talk with the bride and explain the issues. Unless your dress is a $2K bridesmaids dress - a solution can almost always come to fruition! ;) 

    Since she hasn't approached you with a problem to resolve, there may be an underlying issue as other posters have mentioned.

    Are you recently engaged/planning? Maybe it's a jealousy thing. If she is a longtime, dear friend and this is the first issue you two have had, I would give her some space. I'm not excusing her behavior by any means.

    I had a similar scenario when we were first engaged and after some time and allowing the dust to settle, everything shifted back into place. We had a little heart to heart and everything settled.

    Feel free to DM me if you need to talk more!
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