Inviting cousin who lives with her parents and her boyfriend

Knottie1457468437

I searched and searched these forums but this is such a weird question I wasn't surprised that nothing came up. Here it goes:
I have a 22 year old cousin, let's call her Melanie. She lives at home with her parents and 2 younger siblings and recently her boyfriend of a little less than a year moved in with them. His mom was moving out of state or something and he didn't want to go/couldn't afford to find his own place so he has his own room at the home of my aunt and uncle. I have never met him.
My wedding isn't until next fall but as my fiance and I were planning a tentative guest list, the question arose: do we invite this boyfriend? I am not close to my cousin at all and I wasn't planning on inviting any of my cousins with a date unless they were married/engaged/living together but this seems to not fit in any of those categories. Melanie has mentioned on a few occasions that she and her boyfriend want to get married but she has said that about literally the last 3 guys she has dated. I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. Also, I have other cousins who are older than Melanie and in long term relationships, so if I invited this roommate/boyfriend, would I be obligated to invite them with guests as well? This is a pretty unorthodox situation, I'd love to hear some input!

charlotte989875

Knottie1457468437 said:

I searched and searched these forums but this is such a weird question I wasn't surprised that nothing came up. Here it goes:
I have a 22 year old cousin, let's call her Melanie. She lives at home with her parents and 2 younger siblings and recently her boyfriend of a little less than a year moved in with them. His mom was moving out of state or something and he didn't want to go/couldn't afford to find his own place so he has his own room at the home of my aunt and uncle. I have never met him.
My wedding isn't until next fall but as my fiance and I were planning a tentative guest list, the question arose: do we invite this boyfriend? I am not close to my cousin at all and I wasn't planning on inviting any of my cousins with a date unless they were married/engaged/living together but this seems to not fit in any of those categories. Melanie has mentioned on a few occasions that she and her boyfriend want to get married but she has said that about literally the last 3 guys she has dated. I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. Also, I have other cousins who are older than Melanie and in long term relationships, so if I invited this roommate/boyfriend, would I be obligated to invite them with guests as well? This is a pretty unorthodox situation, I'd love to hear some input!

You need to invite the boyfriend. And any other cousins', friends', or family members significant other, regardless of how long they have been together or what life events (married/engaged/living together) they have chosen to participate in together. If they determine they are in a relationship, they are a social unit and need to be invited together. 

It doesn't matter if you haven't met them; they are important to the people that you have met and want to be there. They are attending your wedding to celebrate your relationship, while doing so you need to respec theirs and invite their SOs accordingly. 

ShesSoCold

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1457468437 said:

I searched and searched these forums but this is such a weird question I wasn't surprised that nothing came up. Here it goes:
I have a 22 year old cousin, let's call her Melanie. She lives at home with her parents and 2 younger siblings and recently her boyfriend of a little less than a year moved in with them. His mom was moving out of state or something and he didn't want to go/couldn't afford to find his own place so he has his own room at the home of my aunt and uncle. I have never met him.
My wedding isn't until next fall but as my fiance and I were planning a tentative guest list, the question arose: do we invite this boyfriend? I am not close to my cousin at all and I wasn't planning on inviting any of my cousins with a date unless they were married/engaged/living together but this seems to not fit in any of those categories. Melanie has mentioned on a few occasions that she and her boyfriend want to get married but she has said that about literally the last 3 guys she has dated. I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. Also, I have other cousins who are older than Melanie and in long term relationships, so if I invited this roommate/boyfriend, would I be obligated to invite them with guests as well? This is a pretty unorthodox situation, I'd love to hear some input!

You need to invite the boyfriend. And any other cousins', friends', or family members significant other, regardless of how long they have been together or what life events (married/engaged/living together) they have chosen to participate in together. If they determine they are in a relationship, they are a social unit and need to be invited together. 

It doesn't matter if you haven't met them; they are important to the people that you have met and want to be there. They are attending your wedding to celebrate your relationship, while doing so you need to respec theirs and invite their SOs accordingly. 

Yep. You need to invite the significant other of every adult on your guest list. Period. Not just adults with their own places or adults you know well, all of ''em. 

mollybarker11

Knottie1457468437 said:

I searched and searched these forums but this is such a weird question I wasn't surprised that nothing came up. Here it goes:
I have a 22 year old cousin, let's call her Melanie. She lives at home with her parents and 2 younger siblings and recently her boyfriend of a little less than a year moved in with them. [...] do we invite this boyfriend?

You could've just read the stickied thread on how to create a guest list: Whom do I have to invite to my wedding states "any established couple should be invited as a couple".

Knottie1457468437 said:

[...] I wasn't planning on inviting any of my cousins with a date unless they were married/engaged/living together but this seems to not fit in any of those categories.

This very clearly fits the "living together" category, but I hope you change your plans now that you know all couples must be invited regardless of your metrics of seriousness or whether you've met their other half!

Knottie1457468437 said:

[...] This is a pretty unorthodox situation, I'd love to hear some input!

As you can see from the many threads here about inviting significant others (SO) and the fact that it's a FAQ in a stickied thread, this is a very common and straightforward aspect of event planning. Hang around some more and you'll be able to see responses to tons of other common questions & issues and be totally prepared to handle them if/when they come up during your engagement. Happy planning!

banana468

If any of your guests say that they have a SO, that SO needs to be included.

I hope that answers your question.

ernursej

It is really hurtful not to have your SO invited. I was the only person in my group of friends who did not have their SO invited to a friend wedding. We "hadn't be dating long enough" was the reason. Fast forward 7 years and we are the only couple still together (original bride and groom included). If a couple says they are a couple, invite.

levioosa

This is not a unique situation at all.  If you invite the cousin, her SO needs to be invited too.  

STARMOON44

Of course you don't need to invite her boyfriend! You just can't invite her either. If you're not close to your cousins there's no rule that says you must invite them, but if you do they must be treated like any other guest and invited with their significant others. 

PaperTigersx

Knottie1457468437 said:

  I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. 

180$/plate?! 
Was I the only one who thought that amount is outrageous? (Not trying to be rude) that must be some damn good food tho (hopefully)

OurWildKingdom

PaperTigersx said:

Knottie1457468437 said:

  I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. 

180$/plate?! 
Was I the only one who thought that amount is outrageous? (Not trying to be rude) that must be some damn good food tho (hopefully)

Nope, I thought the same thing.

OP, you need to invite your cousin and her boyfriend or invite neither of them. It's really quite simple.

ShesSoCold

PaperTigersx said:

Knottie1457468437 said:

  I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. 

180$/plate?! 
Was I the only one who thought that amount is outrageous? (Not trying to be rude) that must be some damn good food tho (hopefully)

Different people have different budgets and types of weddings. A larger budget isn't "outrageous". 

ETA: what would be outrageous is having such a high per plate price and not inviting significant others. If it's a cost or venue thing, there are much better options. 

Jen4948

Not inviting your cousin's boyfriend would be really hurtful to your cousin. You're asking her to acknowledge your relationship without acknowledging hers.

Neither your not knowing her boyfriend nor that they're not engaged or married allows you to exclude him from an invitation to her.

I declined a wedding invitation from close friends who had that same "no ring no bring" attitude about SOs they weren't acquainted with because it excluded my then-BF of two and a half years. It really hurt that close friends who I'd known for most of my life treated me like that. Geography was the only reason I'd never been able to introduce them (we lived several hundred miles apart but our families had been very close when we were younger and still are).

MobKaz

Knottie1457468437 said:

I searched and searched these forums but this is such a weird question I wasn't surprised that nothing came up. Here it goes:
I have a 22 year old cousin, let's call her Melanie. She lives at home with her parents and 2 younger siblings and recently her boyfriend of a little less than a year moved in with them. His mom was moving out of state or something and he didn't want to go/couldn't afford to find his own place so he has his own room at the home of my aunt and uncle. I have never met him.
My wedding isn't until next fall but as my fiance and I were planning a tentative guest list, the question arose: do we invite this boyfriend? I am not close to my cousin at all and I wasn't planning on inviting any of my cousins with a date unless they were married/engaged/living together but this seems to not fit in any of those categories. Melanie has mentioned on a few occasions that she and her boyfriend want to get married but she has said that about literally the last 3 guys she has dated. I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. Also, I have other cousins who are older than Melanie and in long term relationships, so if I invited this roommate/boyfriend, would I be obligated to invite them with guests as well? This is a pretty unorthodox situation, I'd love to hear some input!

Living situations and age do not matter.  If you put someone on your guest list that has an SO, regardless of **age or living arrangement, the guest and their SO must be invited.  There is absolutely nothing unorthodox about your situation.  Please go with your instincts; it would be more than impolite to not include him.  If you cannot afford to invite additional/other cousins without their SO's, then exclude them altogether.

**Some may argue that if a teen, typically still in HS, lives at home with parents, SO's of the teen would not need to be invited.

downtondiva

Please be respectful of your cousin's relationship and invite her boyfriend. Same with your other cousins. It is not up to you to decide the seriousness of anyone else's relationships. Your cousin and this boyfriend may or may not get married in the future; regardless of that, including him is the right thing to do now. 

I understand that weddings can get expensive (where I am from, $180/pp is not considered that extraordinary, believe it or not). However, excluding people's significant others is not the way to save money.  Find other areas to cut back on if you are getting concerned about the cost of the wedding. 

AddieCake

This isn't a weird situation. It's whether or not to invite someone's significant other, and the answer is always yes.

SP29

Yeah, this isn't a weird situation, and your exact question has been answered many times before on this board. This is not unorthodox. It sounds pretty normal to me actually.

ANYONE in a relationship- ANYONE- doesn't matter how old they are, if they are married/engaged/living together, if you've met the person before- must have their significant other invited.

So yes, invite your cousin's boyfriend. Invite all your other cousins' significant others too.

No one should judge someone spending $180/plate, but if you're scoffing at spending $180 for someone's SO then you need to need to find a different venue with a cheaper meal price. Price per plate is not a reason to not invite someone's SO.

redoryx

Knottie1457468437 said:

I searched and searched these forums but this is such a weird question I wasn't surprised that nothing came up. Here it goes:
I have a 22 year old cousin, let's call her Melanie. She lives at home with her parents and 2 younger siblings and recently her boyfriend of a little less than a year moved in with them. His mom was moving out of state or something and he didn't want to go/couldn't afford to find his own place so he has his own room at the home of my aunt and uncle. I have never met him.
My wedding isn't until next fall but as my fiance and I were planning a tentative guest list, the question arose: do we invite this boyfriend? I am not close to my cousin at all and I wasn't planning on inviting any of my cousins with a date unless they were married/engaged/living together but this seems to not fit in any of those categories. Melanie has mentioned on a few occasions that she and her boyfriend want to get married but she has said that about literally the last 3 guys she has dated. I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. Also, I have other cousins who are older than Melanie and in long term relationships, so if I invited this roommate/boyfriend, would I be obligated to invite them with guests as well? This is a pretty unorthodox situation, I'd love to hear some input!

PP's have covered everything else, so I'll just say you might want to check your judgmental tone in this. First, they live together. You say so yourself, so she and her boyfriend already fit your own criteria (which, again, PP's have covered) so I'm not sure why you're asking. Just because their version of living together doesn't look the same as other people's versions doesn't mean it shouldn't be respected. 

Also, because she's an adult, she and her boyfriend should get their own invitation. Do not lump them in on a family invite that goes to the whole house. 

Signed, a woman who lived with her first boyfriend and his parents for six months.

MairePoppy

scribe95 said:

OP brought up the per person plate amount as a reason to deny inviting a SO so I think it's fair game. Lower your per person cost and properly invite following etiquette guidelines. 

That's what I was thinking. Budgets vary and I don't really care if you spend $50/pp or $200/pp, as long as you treat your guests well. That means you invite their SOs if they are in a relationship. It doesn't matter if you know the SO or not. If you're contemplating being rude to your guests because of budget, then you're in over your head.

At $180/pp, you're probably having a multi-course, sit down dinner. Consider eliminating a course or a few extras, such as butlered hors'ordeuvres to lower the cost/pp.

OliveOilsMom

I also want to add that cousin and her BF get their own invitation.  Just because they all live in one household doesn't mean they only get one invitation.  Anyone over the age of 18 needs to be given their own invitation.  So this cousin and her BF would be both named on their invitation.  Any cousins in this household under 18 can go on their parents invite.  Or they also get their own.

cowgirl8238

OP, everyone here has given you some solid advice about the inviting of SO's so I won't beat a dead horse about having to invite them. 

Since your wedding is still a year out I did want to caution you about something that we also see a lot around here and that is budgeting for NEW relationships as well.  Since all SO's need to be invited, it is wise to budget for any new relationships that may form between now and your wedding day.

When we made our guest list we gave everyone a "plus one" which allowed for any new boyfriends or girlfriends to be added in without any worries of budget or space.  In the end, most people brought dates and the few that didn't saved us $200 that we just kept in the bank. 

If you consider all of the SO's and then account for some "plus ones" (Note that ONLY truly single people do not have to be given a 'plus one' but I would recommend it as a nice gesture) how does that affect your budget?  If you are close to that edge now I recommend you rethink your list or your other "non-essential" items and see what you can cut to save now, before you are committed to hosting everyone (once you send a Save the Date you should invite them).

I know Wedding Planning isn't always easy but if you stick around here and listen to the advice and you will have a well hosted wedding that people will remember for years (in a good sense!) 

mollybarker11

cowgirl8238 said:

Since your wedding is still a year out I did want to caution you about something that we also see a lot around here and that is budgeting for NEW relationships as well.  Since all SO's need to be invited, it is wise to budget for any new relationships that may form between now and your wedding day.

Great point to bring up, but I have one small correction. It's my understanding that you need to invite the SO if anyone in a relationship on the day your invitations are sent, but if new relationships form during the 6-8 weeks between then & the wedding day you are not obligated to extend an additional invitation.

ILoveBeachMusic

mollybarker11 said:

cowgirl8238 said:

Since your wedding is still a year out I did want to caution you about something that we also see a lot around here and that is budgeting for NEW relationships as well.  Since all SO's need to be invited, it is wise to budget for any new relationships that may form between now and your wedding day.

Great point to bring up, but I have one small correction. It's my understanding that you need to invite the SO if anyone in a relationship <i>on the day your invitations are sent</I>, but if new relationships form during the 6-8 weeks between then & the wedding day you are not obligated to extend an additional invitation.

True not obligated but it is nice to be able to extend the invitation to a new SO.

ei34

The "I searched and searched" got an eyeroll from me...I think the "should i invite...?" gets asked as much as anything.
OP, guests need to be invited with their SOs.   What if 7 years from now, you have to temporarily move to another state for work.  And you're invited to a family wedding without your H because you don't live together?  Pretty crazy, right?  Regardless of living situation, status (dating/engaged/married), length of relationship, or anything else, guests in relationships must be invited with their SO.

southernbelle0915

1) All significant others of adult guests need to be invited - no matter how serious, whether you like them, whatever. If they consider themselves in a relationship (not your place to judge), the SO gets invited by name.

2) Anyone over the age 18 gets their own invitation, even if they're co-habiting with other adults who are invited.

3) You don't need to invite your cousin at all if you don't want to. You're perfectly fine just inviting her parents.

Definitely plan for all single guests to potentially have SOs by the time your invites go out. That way, you'll have budgeted in case it happens and if it doesn't happen, you'll have some extra money to play with/save.

lyndausvi

PaperTigersx said:

Knottie1457468437 said:

  I feel like it will be impolite of me to address an invitation to everyone else in the house and not him but I also feel like I shouldn't have to pay $180 for a plate to feed someone I've never met and wouldn't have invited under more conventional circumstances. 

180$/plate?! 
Was I the only one who thought that amount is outrageous? (Not trying to be rude) that must be some damn good food tho (hopefully)

@scribe95 scribe95 said:

OP brought up the per person plate amount as a reason to deny inviting a SO so I think it's fair game. Lower your per person cost and properly invite following etiquette guidelines. 

You are correct. The fact the OP is using the cost per plate as a reason to be rude is fair game.  

However, Paper's comments were clearly she thinks the per person cost is too expensive in general.  Not on how it applies to the OP situation.

aurianna

OP, a year is a long time. Cousin and her SO could be married at that point. Or they could be broken up and she could be single.
This is why it's best to just pencil in a guest for everyone when budgeting,

It's impossible for you to judge another relationship. The married/engaged/living together/length of time just doesn't cut it.
I had a friend engaged after 4 months. I had a friend who didn't say "I love you" for over a year.
I know I didn't live with my now-husband at all while we were dating because our relationship was long distance. I know people didn't live together for religious reasons.
I know people who waited to get engaged to save up for the ring or to propose on a special day / at a special place.

Not every relationship fits the married/living together mold. Best to just respect everyone's relationship. You chose a venue that costs $180pp. That's no excuse to disrespect a guest's relationship on a day where you want her to celebrate yours.

Jells2dot0

I spent over $180/plate on my first wedding and EVERY guest had their SO invited, and if they were single, they got a plus one. Can you believe I let single people invite someone whom I've never met, and in some cases never saw again, to my wedding and then spent lots of money on them???

In addition, I had some people no show on the day of, including family members. So, money that was spent on essentially nothing for people that are supposed to be very close to me. Guess what? That is what happens when you plan a party or wedding!!! As with anything, shit happens. You need to be a good host and treat all of your guests well.

Etf

drunkenwitch

I'm going to tell a little story. Many moons ago I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. 5 months before said wedding I meet an amazing man and we start dating. 3 months before said wedding and after the guest list had been decided, the friends getting married meet said boyfriend. They immediately asked " is your boyfriend coming to the wedding? We'd love to have him there" . 5 years later, we are still together and he is super close to the aforementioned couple. 

My point: they supported and respected our relationship from day one, and that left an impression. A positive one.

ernursej

drunkenwitch said:

I'm going to tell a little story. Many moons ago I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. 5 months before said wedding I meet an amazing man and we start dating. 3 months before said wedding and after the guest list had been decided, the friends getting married meet said boyfriend. They immediately asked " is your boyfriend coming to the wedding? We'd love to have him there" . 5 years later, we are still together and he is super close to the aforementioned couple. 

My point: they supported and respected our relationship from day one, and that left an impression. A positive one.

I love that story!

Knottie1451534594

The way I see it is that you have to look at your overall budget for your wedding (if you have one) and consider what is most important. Having everyone in your family there along with their SO's, or spending $180pp. You can absolutely have both as long as it's something you can afford to do, but if having the fancy, expensive dinner that you always dreamed of is most important, then consider cutting the list to only those that you're close to. You don't have to invite cousins that you're not close to just because they're family. It's your day, your money, and you get to celebrate it your way. But if you want the whole family, you'll have to take into consideration that anyone over the age of 20 is very likely to want to bring a date. 

banana468

Knottie1451534594 said:

The way I see it is that you have to look at your overall budget for your wedding (if you have one) and consider what is most important. Having everyone in your family there along with their SO's, or spending $180pp. You can absolutely have both as long as it's something you can afford to do, but if having the fancy, expensive dinner that you always dreamed of is most important, then consider cutting the list to only those that you're close to. You don't have to invite cousins that you're not close to just because they're family. It's your day, your money, and you get to celebrate it your way. But if you want the whole family, you'll have to take into consideration that anyone over the age of 20 is very likely to want to bring a date. 

IT'S NOT A DATE WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!