Inviting cousin who lives with her parents and her boyfriend

mollybarker11

Yeah it's important to note the distinction between single guests and those in a relationship.

Maybe everyone over the age of 20 will likely want to bring a date but the host does not need to offer everyone a +1.

Anyone who is in a relationship will OF COURSE want to bring their SO and the host needs to invite them as a unit.

aurianna

Knottie1451534594 said:

The way I see it is that you have to look at your overall budget for your wedding (if you have one) and consider what is most important. Having everyone in your family there along with their SO's, or spending $180pp. You can absolutely have both as long as it's something you can afford to do, but if having the fancy, expensive dinner that you always dreamed of is most important, then consider cutting the list to only those that you're close to. You don't have to invite cousins that you're not close to just because they're family. It's your day, your money, and you get to celebrate it your way. But if you want the whole family, you'll have to take into consideration that anyone over the age of 20 is very likely to want to bring a date. 18 needs to be invited together with their SOs if they have them.

FTFY

Knottie1451534594

The host does not need to include a plus one for everyone, but nobody knows for sure who will be in a relationship before a wedding. She says that the wedding is a year out, so you could very well send an invitation to a single friend as a single guest. Then two months later, that guest finds herself in a serious relationship. They could be living together, engaged or pregnant by this point, but because she was invited as a single guest, her now very important SO has not been factored into the budget. I'm just saying that when considering guests, consider that relationships happen.

banana468

Knottie1451534594 said:

The host does not need to include a plus one for everyone, but nobody knows for sure who will be in a relationship before a wedding. She says that the wedding is a year out, so you could very well send an invitation to a single friend as a single guest. Then two months later, that guest finds herself in a serious relationship. They could be living together, engaged or pregnant by this point, but because she was invited as a single guest, her now very important SO has not been factored into the budget. I'm just saying that when considering guests, consider that relationships happen.

The point is that you're not sending invitations a year out.   You send invitations about 8 weeks out.   At that time if a guest has a significant other, then the SO is invited.

aurianna

Ok. Then maybe we are saying the same thing?

It's simple. A year out, think of everyone you really want there... if they have an SO, include the SO in the head count. If they are single, include a phantom guest in the headcount.
Plan for every single guest to have an SO by the time the wedding comes up.
That is how many people you need to budget for, because it could happen.

If invites go out and some of those guests don't have SOs you can either give them a +1 you already budged for or invite them alone and save some money.

[Deleted User]

I think you guys are saying the same thing....

Knottie1457468437

Wow! What a turnout. Thanks to everyone for your impassioned responses. I truly have next to no idea about wedding planning so I appreciate the input.
I wasn't trying to be rude insinuating that I wasn't going to invite the cousin's boyfriend so for everybody who thought I was being mean/judgmental, this was not my intention. My fiance and I obviously haven't made a decision yet and I was looking for some guidance. The only real feedback I got from anyone IRL was my cousin who was married a few years ago and didn't invite anyone under 25 with a date so I wanted to see what some other brides thought.
As far as the PPs who thought my question was totally normal/unnecessary to ask: the reason I thought this situation was unorthodox was because my cousin and her boyfriend live with her parents. I wasn't sure what the protocol for a situation like that was because I have never met anybody in this situation before. It appears it's more common that I thought. Again, this is why I asked.

As far as paying 180/pp for dinner... The food is delicious 

Knottie1457468437

aurianna said:

Ok. Then maybe we are saying the same thing?

It's simple. A year out, think of everyone you really want there... if they have an SO, include the SO in the head count. If they are single, include a phantom guest in the headcount.
Plan for every single guest to have an SO by the time the wedding comes up.
That is how many people you need to budget for, because it could happen.

If invites go out and some of those guests don't have SOs you can either give them a +1 you already budged for or invite them alone and save some money.

This is great advice. Some other PPs have expressed similar sentiments which makes sense because it's a good plan. Thank you!

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1457468437 said:

Wow! What a turnout. Thanks to everyone for your impassioned responses. I truly have next to no idea about wedding planning so I appreciate the input.
I wasn't trying to be rude insinuating that I wasn't going to invite the cousin's boyfriend so for everybody who thought I was being mean/judgmental, this was not my intention. My fiance and I obviously haven't made a decision yet and I was looking for some guidance. The only real feedback I got from anyone IRL was my cousin who was married a few years ago and didn't invite anyone under 25 with a date so I wanted to see what some other brides thought.
As far as the PPs who thought my question was totally normal/unnecessary to ask: the reason I thought this situation was unorthodox was because my cousin and her boyfriend live with her parents. I wasn't sure what the protocol for a situation like that was because I have never met anybody in this situation before. It appears it's more common that I thought. Again, this is why I asked.

As far as paying 180/pp for dinner... The food is delicious 

Well no offense to your cousin, but she was rude.  Most people planning weddings have never planned such an event before, but many people are able to put together an etiquette approved party.  Come here to ask all of your questions, we will guide you on how to host an etiquette approved wedding.  It doesn't mean you have to break the bank to host it either.

Anyone who is a legal adult, regardless of where they live, should be invited on their own invitation with their SO named on the invite, IF they are in a relationship.  If they are not in a relationship at the time invitations go out, then you do not have to provide them a plus one - unless your budget allows and you want to do it.

And while the food at 180/pp is delicious.  It sounds like you planned a little backwards.  You should first create your full guest list including potential SO for currently single guests.  Then figure out the total budget of the wedding and THEN find your venue/catering within that budget.  I hope that you haven't dug yourself too far into this current pp cost.  Good luck in your planning and ask questions when you need to here.  Change your username and stick around!

[Deleted User]

Knottie1457468437 said:

Wow! What a turnout. Thanks to everyone for your impassioned responses. I truly have next to no idea about wedding planning so I appreciate the input.
I wasn't trying to be rude insinuating that I wasn't going to invite the cousin's boyfriend so for everybody who thought I was being mean/judgmental, this was not my intention. My fiance and I obviously haven't made a decision yet and I was looking for some guidance. The only real feedback I got from anyone IRL was my cousin who was married a few years ago and didn't invite anyone under 25 with a date so I wanted to see what some other brides thought.
As far as the PPs who thought my question was totally normal/unnecessary to ask: the reason I thought this situation was unorthodox was because my cousin and her boyfriend live with her parents. I wasn't sure what the protocol for a situation like that was because I have never met anybody in this situation before. It appears it's more common that I thought. Again, this is why I asked.

As far as paying 180/pp for dinner... The food is delicious 

I know you didn't say you were doing this, but for the benefit of anyone else thinking of putting an age limit on bringing dates (for adults, not teenagers, that's a different topic), please don't. I was married for the first time when I was 22....meaning I wouldn't have made your cousins age cut off. A relationship before you are 25 doesn't necessarily mean it is any less serious than a relationship after 25. 

InLoveInQueens

Ironring said:

Knottie1457468437 said:

Wow! What a turnout. Thanks to everyone for your impassioned responses. I truly have next to no idea about wedding planning so I appreciate the input.
I wasn't trying to be rude insinuating that I wasn't going to invite the cousin's boyfriend so for everybody who thought I was being mean/judgmental, this was not my intention. My fiance and I obviously haven't made a decision yet and I was looking for some guidance. The only real feedback I got from anyone IRL was my cousin who was married a few years ago and didn't invite anyone under 25 with a date so I wanted to see what some other brides thought.
As far as the PPs who thought my question was totally normal/unnecessary to ask: the reason I thought this situation was unorthodox was because my cousin and her boyfriend live with her parents. I wasn't sure what the protocol for a situation like that was because I have never met anybody in this situation before. It appears it's more common that I thought. Again, this is why I asked.

As far as paying 180/pp for dinner... The food is delicious 

I know you didn't say you were doing this, but for the benefit of anyone else thinking of putting an age limit on bringing dates (for adults, not teenagers, that's a different topic), please don't. I was married for the first time when I was 22....meaning I wouldn't have made your cousins age cut off. A relationship before you are 25 doesn't necessarily mean it is any less serious than a relationship after 25. 

SITB

My brother is 24 and he's going to be proposing to his girlfriend around Christmas time. If my cousin used that rule for her wedding he wouldn't be able to bring her. I hate when people pick arbitrary rules like this, or no ring no bring, it's rude and hurtful. 

banana468

I started dating DH when we were 24.   

artbyallie

I am now married to the man I was dating in college at 18. We have been together over 10 years total, married for 5. Didn't start living together until we were engaged, but I fail to see where that has any bearing on him being invited to weddings with me, which he has been since we started dating.

Knottie1457468437

No offense taken, I also thought my cousin's "rule" was a little crazy which is why I wanted some more opinions. 

downtondiva

Ironring said:

Knottie1457468437 said:

Wow! What a turnout. Thanks to everyone for your impassioned responses. I truly have next to no idea about wedding planning so I appreciate the input.
I wasn't trying to be rude insinuating that I wasn't going to invite the cousin's boyfriend so for everybody who thought I was being mean/judgmental, this was not my intention. My fiance and I obviously haven't made a decision yet and I was looking for some guidance. The only real feedback I got from anyone IRL was my cousin who was married a few years ago and didn't invite anyone under 25 with a date so I wanted to see what some other brides thought.
As far as the PPs who thought my question was totally normal/unnecessary to ask: the reason I thought this situation was unorthodox was because my cousin and her boyfriend live with her parents. I wasn't sure what the protocol for a situation like that was because I have never met anybody in this situation before. It appears it's more common that I thought. Again, this is why I asked.

As far as paying 180/pp for dinner... The food is delicious 

I know you didn't say you were doing this, but for the benefit of anyone else thinking of putting an age limit on bringing dates (for adults, not teenagers, that's a different topic), please don't. I was married for the first time when I was 22....meaning I wouldn't have made your cousins age cut off. A relationship before you are 25 doesn't necessarily mean it is any less serious than a relationship after 25. 

*SITB*

I just want to second this for any lurkers out there. My now husband and I started dating when we were 18. I had just turned 25 when we got engaged, and his 25th birthday was not long after. However, our relationship was serious long before that, and I would've been very hurt if he hadn't been invited to a wedding along with me before we were engaged.

aurianna

Yup. Started dating husband when we were 20. Got engaged at 27. Didn't live together until 8 months after we were married.
Avoid your cousin's rule. The only age limit that it's ok to exclude SOs is under 18 as they aren't legally adults. But even then, it's nice to extend an invite if possible.