LEGAL MARRIAGE- Do it in the US

CRBombshell

Hello fellow knotties,

I remember when I first started planning my destination wedding. I would post on here desperate for information and advice. If you have read a thread or posted a question about legal ceremonies you have probable seen responses like:

* it's unfair to family - who think they are witnessing your actually marriage to find out that its A SHAM - A pretend  wedding * gasp*

*Your actual wedding date wont be until you have the legal marriage

* its considered rude to have a "fake wedding"

* Its a vow renewal not a wedding

I want to put a note out in opposition. These days I am meeting a ton of brides originally from the Dominican Republic, Mexico and Costa Rica..who have lots of family there and have the ceremony the country. and come back to the USA and have a civil/ courthouse marriage.  I wish I listened to my gut and had the ceremony of my dreams in costa rica and managed the legalities in the US.

If you are unconvinced -Here's a little bit of my struggle:

After the wedding it took 10 weeks to rec' our marriage certificate.

My officiant (Noel Ibo) has been absolutely M.I.A and unresponsive. My documents are in another language, and although I paid Noel to have the documents translated- it turns out the U.S. Social Security office does their own translation, for free and will not accept an international translation.  

At this point, I am unable to take my husbands last name and may ultimately need to have the civil ceremony in a courthouse anyway- which would have saved me a few hundred dollars. (Most officiants charge less for a symbolic wedding vs. legal)

Jells2dot0

CRBombshell said:

Hello fellow knotties,

I remember when I first started planning my destination wedding. I would post on here desperate for information and advice. If you have read a thread or posted a question about legal ceremonies you have probable seen responses like:

* it's unfair to family - who think they are witnessing your actually marriage to find out that its A SHAM - A pretend  wedding * gasp*

*Your actual wedding date wont be until you have the legal marriage

* its considered rude to have a "fake wedding"

* Its a vow renewal not a wedding

I want to put a note out in opposition. These days I am meeting a ton of brides originally from the Dominican Republic, Mexico and Costa Rica..who have lots of family there and have the ceremony the country. and come back to the USA and have a civil/ courthouse marriage.  I wish I listened to my gut and had the ceremony of my dreams in costa rica and managed the legalities in the US.

If you are unconvinced -Here's a little bit of my struggle:

After the wedding it took 10 weeks to rec' our marriage certificate.

My officiant (Noel Ibo) has been absolutely M.I.A and unresponsive. My documents are in another language, and although I paid Noel to have the documents translated- it turns out the U.S. Social Security office does their own translation, for free and will not accept an international translation.  

At this point, I am unable to take my husbands last name and may ultimately need to have the civil ceremony in a courthouse anyway- which would have saved me a few hundred dollars. (Most officiants charge less for a symbolic wedding vs. legal)

You are providing very bad advice based on you not taking the time to learn the facts and do research.

I just posted a response to your other post. So, you had to wait a few weeks to get your marriage cert. I waited almost the same amount of time. In fact, you'll see in my other post, I went to the SS office on January 3, 2013- I was married in August 2012!!! Why are you so desperate to change your name? If you are patient and the SS office resolves your paperwork issue (I believe it's their fault), everything will be fine and you will be able to change your name with your CR marriage cert. The fact that you paid someone to translate it when it could have been done for free is really your fault, as you did not do any research on the topic. You absolutely DO NOT need to have a civil marriage here just to change your name with a marriage cert from CR, DR, or Mexico. You need to slow your roll, resolve the issue with the SS office, and do a little more research in the name change process.

flantastic

CRBombshell said:

Hello fellow knotties,

I remember when I first started planning my destination wedding. I would post on here desperate for information and advice. If you have read a thread or posted a question about legal ceremonies you have probable seen responses like:

* it's unfair to family - who think they are witnessing your actually marriage to find out that its A SHAM - A pretend  wedding * gasp*

*Your actual wedding date wont be until you have the legal marriage

* its considered rude to have a "fake wedding"

* Its a vow renewal not a wedding

I want to put a note out in opposition. These days I am meeting a ton of brides originally from the Dominican Republic, Mexico and Costa Rica..who have lots of family there and have the ceremony the country. and come back to the USA and have a civil/ courthouse marriage.  I wish I listened to my gut and had the ceremony of my dreams in costa rica and managed the legalities in the US.

If you are unconvinced -Here's a little bit of my struggle:

After the wedding it took 10 weeks to rec' our marriage certificate.

My officiant (Noel Ibo) has been absolutely M.I.A and unresponsive. My documents are in another language, and although I paid Noel to have the documents translated- it turns out the U.S. Social Security office does their own translation, for free and will not accept an international translation.  

At this point, I am unable to take my husbands last name and may ultimately need to have the civil ceremony in a courthouse anyway- which would have saved me a few hundred dollars. (Most officiants charge less for a symbolic wedding vs. legal)

To fellow Knotties:

If this is all too hard, don't get married in CR. I am sure OP's guests are happy not to have spent thousands of dollars to see her not actually become married.

OliveOilsMom

CRBombshell said:

Hello fellow knotties,

I remember when I first started planning my destination wedding. I would post on here desperate for information and advice. If you have read a thread or posted a question about legal ceremonies you have probable seen responses like:

* it's unfair to family - who think they are witnessing your actually marriage to find out that its A SHAM - A pretend  wedding * gasp*

*Your actual wedding date wont be until you have the legal marriage

* its considered rude to have a "fake wedding"

* Its a vow renewal not a wedding

I want to put a note out in opposition. These days I am meeting a ton of brides originally from the Dominican Republic, Mexico and Costa Rica..who have lots of family there and have the ceremony the country. and come back to the USA and have a civil/ courthouse marriage.  I wish I listened to my gut and had the ceremony of my dreams in costa rica and managed the legalities in the US.

If you are unconvinced -Here's a little bit of my struggle:

After the wedding it took 10 weeks to rec' our marriage certificate.

My officiant (Noel Ibo) has been absolutely M.I.A and unresponsive. My documents are in another language, and although I paid Noel to have the documents translated- it turns out the U.S. Social Security office does their own translation, for free and will not accept an international translation.  

At this point, I am unable to take my husbands last name and may ultimately need to have the civil ceremony in a courthouse anyway- which would have saved me a few hundred dollars. (Most officiants charge less for a symbolic wedding vs. legal)

NOPE!  Sorry, but if I'm spending thousands of dollars to see you get hitched, I want to see the legal marriage occur at the same time as your symbolic ceremony.

You said you received your marriage certificate, you have it.  So why can't you get your name legally changed?  If you read up on this a bit more or even called the SS office, they may have told you everything you needed to know about the translations.  I'm sure if you even asked on this board, someone could have answered that question as well. 

So what is the official hold-up on getting your name change?  If the SS office will translate the certificate for you, then why can't you submit your original certificate from Costa Rica?  Please explain further.

[Deleted User]

Sorry that the process is frustrating for you, but this sounds like a research problem. The advice that you SHOULD be giving other brides is to do your research before getting married, including figuring out how the name change process works and what the SS office needs. 
You obviously can't go back in time and fix this, but other brides can (and hopefully will learn from this post) but telling them to just do a legal ceremony in the states isn't great advice. 

WinstonsGirl

I got legally married in the US (I'm from Canada).  It took just under 4 months for us to receive our marriage certificate.  The clerk who told you to get legally re-married in the US has no idea what they're talking about.  You're already legally married, so you can't do it again in the US without a divorce.  Nothing legal happens overnight.  If you are eager to take your husband's name right now, start calling yourself by his name socially.  The legal change will come

SaintPaulGal

So let's see...because paperwork is a pain in the ass, the solution is to defraud your friends and family out of thousands of dollars so you can play dress up on a pretty beach?  Somehow I don't think that's right...

Be patient.  Government bureaucracy isn't known for speed or agility.  What's the big hurry, anyway?  You don't have to wait for the change to be official to call yourself Mrs. Hisname, and nobody really cares what's on your ID versus what name you use.

When I went to get my learner's permit at 15, the DMV wouldn't accept my social security card because it had a weird typo that no one had previously noticed.  My parents gave me a hyphenated last name, and instead of being written Momslast-Dadslast, the social security card had Momslast/Dadslast.  It took almost 6 months to correct.  I was in a big hurry at that time--you know, 15 and unable to drive until it got straightened out.  But that's just how these things go. 

[Deleted User]

Is the delay inhibiting a health insurance thing or something else that I could imagine would make you be more in a hurry? Maybe you can call that company/organization/whatever and see if they will accept the document you do have in the interim. 

Jells2dot0

Ironring said:

Is the delay inhibiting a health insurance thing or something else that I could imagine would make you be more in a hurry? Maybe you can call that company/organization/whatever and see if they will accept the document you do have in the interim. 

I was wondering the same, but in two of her posts she kept reiterating she was upset she couldn't change her name. OP, you do not need a name change to take on benefits. You would need your marriage cert, but you have one, so not sure what the issue is.

southernbelle0915

*sigh* if having a destination wedding is so difficult to do correctly, don't do it. If asking family and friends to spend thousands of dollars to travel abroad, get your ass in gear and figure out how to actually get married there. Not that hard.

InLoveInQueens

southernbelle0915 said:

*sigh* if having a destination wedding is so difficult to do correctly, don't do it. If asking family and friends to spend thousands of dollars to travel abroad, get your ass in gear and figure out how to actually get married there. Not that hard.

That's what I never understand whenever someone makes a post about getting ~legaled~ in the US and then jetting off to whatever location they decide to put on a play for their guests. If it's that hard, you don't have to do it, just get married where you want to and take a honeymoon wherever you're going. No one is forcing you to get married in Mexico or Jamaica or the DR.

Be an adult, accept responsibility, do your own research, and weigh the pros and cons, don't act like you're doing your guests a favor by lying to them asking them to spend thousands of their hard earned dollars so you can play dress up on a beach.

SP29

I live in Canada, and got married in Canada, still had to wait 12 weeks until I received my marriage certificate. Yes, had to wait that long to change my name.

OP- none of your points seem to support what you are suggesting. Do your homework. If it's too much work, don't have a DW. You're not going to win that argument here.

Jells2dot0

OP, it is really not that hard. I could have easily had a legal ceremony in the US then traipsed off to Australia and did a pretty picture ceremony because no one was invited to the wedding. In fact, I really wanted to get married in the Maldives but my ceremony there would not be legally recognized, so we nixed it. There was no way I was doing two ceremonies- one real at the courthouse and one fake. Too time consuming and pointless IMO.

I had to do the same steps as OP. Granted, my certificate was in English, but when we got home from Australia, I had to apply, and pay for, a certified copy of my certificate. They just don't send them. When they finally sent it, I strolled down to the SS office and handed them my Australian certificate, along with my completed name change form, and I believe my birth cert as my other form of ID. They processed everything and I got my card two weeks later.

Andplusalso:

a) I strolled around with my ex's last name for all of that time. The world did not end that I was married to one man and had the last name of another

b) I did a more detailed name change. I went from Jells BirthMiddleName ExLastName to Jells MaidenName HLastName. They still somehow managed to do all of that with my Australian marriage cert. It just requires a little patience and it certainly pays to be well informed of the process.

To future DW brides- do your research please or come here and ask questions!!! It also helps to have a wedding coordinator or to reach out to the other country's US embassy to understand the requirements.

CMGragain

This is so much bullshit.  If you want to have a destination wedding outside your native state or country, then it is YOUR JOB to research the legal requirements.  Otherwise, have your wedding at home.

TrixieJess

SP29 said:

I live in Canada, and got married in Canada, still had to wait 12 weeks until I received my marriage certificate. Yes, had to wait that long to change my name.

OP- none of your points seem to support what you are suggesting. Do your homework. If it's too much work, don't have a DW. You're not going to win that argument here.

I was about to say, it takes about 8-12 weeks to officially get your marriage certificate up here but you can start assuming your husband's last name immediately. 

levioosa

Not a lot of sympathy here for bad advice based off of poor research.  And it's still shitty to have a PPD.  

kjb76

I got married in DR and had my certificate FedEx'd to me. I waited until I received it, got a translated copy and then went through the name change ordeal. No biggie.

CRBombshell

to those saying "be patient and lack of research" As a bride-to-be I used every resource available, short of going to the SS office. Through internet research, knotties advice, my interpretation of gov websites and the advice of a resort international wedding coordinators I was misguided. If my post informs one CR bride that there is no need for certificate translation than I am happy with that!

I'm simply saying that if you would like to take the path of least resistance that is legally marrying in the US, ( informing your guest) and if they don't want to travel to see you that's OK and their decision.  

If a bride is on this forum, that desires an international wedding, you don't have to sacrifice your dream wedding for a backyard BBQ because of internet bullies. period.

An update for anyone actually contemplating their options: I returned to the social security office where they acknowledged they did not scan all of my documents. In my second visit there was a translator available, they did not scan my documents and issued the card, which I received shortly after.

I then updated all of my bank statements, credit cards,  work ID etc. I brought Birth Certificate, updated social security card, my now updated documents equaling the total points needed to get a state ID....and would you like to guess what they said? Now that my proof of DOB doesn't match my proof of identity they can not issue an ID. period. I was given two options 1. Try to update my name on my passport or 2. get married in my state so the marriage cert is accepted. 

CRBombshell

Also not 100% sure what from my post enraged so many of you. Im not butt hurt about losing a few hundred dollars on the document translation my post was to be helpful to others.  

Also not 100% sure why my two post about using an international marriage certificate for a name change = frantically and in an insane hurry. I'm proactive and trying to get what I need in order. Still the DMV will not accept the Int'l certificate anyway.( note to brides not the non-bride to-be grandmothers that troll these boards)

Jells2dot0

I'd like to understand what about your marriage cert is unacceptable to the DMV. Not only did I not have that problem, but it would be a helpful lesson learned for those who want to get married abroad or specifically in CR. Knowing what to expect and what to look out for is easier than planning a wedding and a redo. 

ETF damn autocorrect

artbyallie

CRBombshell said:

Also not 100% sure what from my post enraged so many of you. Im not butt hurt about losing a few hundred dollars on the document translation my post was to be helpful to others.  

Also not 100% sure why my two post about using an international marriage certificate for a name change = frantically and in an insane hurry. I'm proactive and trying to get what I need in order. Still the DMV will not accept the Int'l certificate anyway.( note to brides not the non-bride to-be grandmothers that troll these boards)

The main issue with your 'advice' is that a wedding cannot happen if the couple is already married. Thus, an 'international wedding' where the couple has wed in the states prior is not actually a wedding. And frankly, not every bride even intends to change her name. That's a personal preference and if you have a few extra hoops to jump, it is your choice to make them rather than keep your name.

kimmiinthemitten

Good thing you clarified, I wasn't aware my two options were beach destination or backyard BBQ. 

Hopefully the state will still recognize my marriage since it is taking place in an 1920's historic ballroom. 

charlotte989875

kimmiinthemitten said:

Good thing you clarified, I wasn't aware my two options were beach destination or backyard BBQ. 

Hopefully the state will still recognize my marriage since it is taking place in an 1920's historic ballroom. 

Mine did too, hope it's still valid. 

Jells2dot0

kimmiinthemitten said:

Good thing you clarified, I wasn't aware my two options were beach destination or backyard BBQ. 

Hopefully the state will still recognize my marriage since it is taking place in an 1920's historic ballroom. 

I also didn't realize international wedding = dream wedding. I guess only those who got married outside of their home country were lucky enough to have their dreams come true! Oh, and I guess that means I'm way more married than most of you! Suckers. 

charlotte989875

Jells2dot0 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Good thing you clarified, I wasn't aware my two options were beach destination or backyard BBQ. 

Hopefully the state will still recognize my marriage since it is taking place in an 1920's historic ballroom. 

I also didn't realize international wedding = dream wedding. I guess only those who got married outside of their home country were lucky enough to have their dreams come true! Oh, and I guess that means I'm way more married than most of you! Suckers. 

International do-overs for everyone!

kimmiinthemitten

Jells2dot0 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Good thing you clarified, I wasn't aware my two options were beach destination or backyard BBQ. 

Hopefully the state will still recognize my marriage since it is taking place in an 1920's historic ballroom. 

I also didn't realize international wedding = dream wedding. I guess only those who got married outside of their home country were lucky enough to have their dreams come true! Oh, and I guess that means I'm way more married than most of you! Suckers. 

I'm only 20 minutes from Windsor, maybe I can relocate everything there. Hopefully the Secretary of State can translate Canadian!

ernursej

charlotte989875 said:

Jells2dot0 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Good thing you clarified, I wasn't aware my two options were beach destination or backyard BBQ. 

Hopefully the state will still recognize my marriage since it is taking place in an 1920's historic ballroom. 

I also didn't realize international wedding = dream wedding. I guess only those who got married outside of their home country were lucky enough to have their dreams come true! Oh, and I guess that means I'm way more married than most of you! Suckers. 

International do-overs for everyone!

I'm getting married Tuesday ... I wonder if I have enough time to change to somewhere exotic. *eyeroll*

CMGragain

I never had anything even close to a dream wedding.  Do I get a re-do?  We've only been married 40 years.  I could always go to Mexico and have a "dream wedding"!

[Deleted User]

I am over reading DW posts on this site- I thought the original post was pretty respectful, nice, and I took it into consideration. I find that a lot of the people who are continuously posting have been married so long that their advice for new brides is pretty useless. I also find the judgmental attitudes, cussing, and basic rudeness to be completely unacceptable. You are adults, act like it. If a bride wants to get legally married in their own country and then have a wedding ceremony in another, that does not make her wedding or her marriage a "sham." It does not mean that she has duped all of her guests, nor that they will be outrageously disappointed or frustrated in not seeing e "legal" marriage. The sentiment towards each other is the same. The dedication, vows, and emotions are the same and have not altered. Get off your high horse, join the rest of us back in the real world, and realize that how you got married or how you envision the only right way to get married, may not be essential or even important for the rest of us. I am insulted, I am angry, and I am wondering what you (and myself at this point) are even doing on this website.

levioosa

jlshires said:

I am over reading DW posts on this site- I thought the original post was pretty respectful, nice, and I took it into consideration. I find that a lot of the people who are continuously posting have been married so long that their advice for new brides is pretty useless. I also find the judgmental attitudes, cussing, and basic rudeness to be completely unacceptable. You are adults, act like it. If a bride wants to get legally married in their own country and then have a wedding ceremony in another, that does not make her wedding or her marriage a "sham." It does not mean that she has duped all of her guests, nor that they will be outrageously disappointed or frustrated in not seeing e "legal" marriage. The sentiment towards each other is the same. The dedication, vows, and emotions are the same and have not altered. Get off your high horse, join the rest of us back in the real world, and realize that how you got married or how you envision the only right way to get married, may not be essential or even important for the rest of us. I am insulted, I am angry, and I am wondering what you (and myself at this point) are even doing on this website.

The rest of us "in the real world" realize that being an adult means you have to make hard choices sometimes.  We realize we don't always get to have our cake and eat it too.  We realize that asking our friends and family to spend thousands of dollars and vacation time to travel to a ceremony that isn't legally valid is rude.  Tell the gay community that the legality of marriage doesn't actually matter.  Tell that to a fiancé whose FI is in the ICU, but she can't make any legal decisions about their care. Swearing isn't rude.  Acting like a child and demanding your vision inconvenience the people closest to you, and saying that legal marriage doesn't matter is rude.  

flantastic

jlshires said:

I am over reading DW posts on this site- I thought the original post was pretty respectful, nice, and I took it into consideration. I find that a lot of the people who are continuously posting have been married so long that their advice for new brides is pretty useless. I also find the judgmental attitudes, cussing, and basic rudeness to be completely unacceptable. You are adults, act like it. If a bride wants to get legally married in their own country and then have a wedding ceremony in another, that does not make her wedding or her marriage a "sham." It does not mean that she has duped all of her guests, nor that they will be outrageously disappointed or frustrated in not seeing e "legal" marriage. The sentiment towards each other is the same. The dedication, vows, and emotions are the same and have not altered. Get off your high horse, join the rest of us back in the real world, and realize that how you got married or how you envision the only right way to get married, may not be essential or even important for the rest of us. I am insulted, I am angry, and I am wondering what you (and myself at this point) are even doing on this website.

Oh yes, treating people well has changed so much since I got married 2 years ago.