Moms and Maids

What could I have done differently with my MIL?

I was married about a year ago.  I had a lot of drama with my wedding. While I am happy with my husband, the drama and emotions from a year ago are resurfacing

With my mom, orginally she offered to pay for the wedding "no strings attached". There were strings it turned out. Husband and I refused her money. We were going to elope. Friends wanted us to have a party. We had a small one 35 people. I planned 90%. I am not a planner. I was miserable and had no idea what i was doing.

My inlaws were told of our plans and asked opinions along the way. We told my parents nothing until we made the decision weeks later. I was very angry. 

PIL are in their 70s. MIL is disabled from polio. I suspect she has dementia. However, FIL will not discuss it with us.  Her disability declined the year of our engagement. We didn't know. We talked to FIL about the venue and if it met her needs beforehand. He said it would.  Later, it didn't. They were both angry at me for not having it at a hotel. We had it at a winery. We couldn't afford a hotel.

My MIL, during the weekend of my shower, asked my (now NC) mom what she was doing the day of the wedding. Mom said helping me get ready (I didn't even know that!). MIL said: "I never heard of that". MIL was offered a chance to see the venue that weekend, but turned it down in favor of going shopping. She dragged my husband along too (he didn't want to go, but she would have gotten angry otherwised).

The following month before my wedding. MIL complained to FIL about what my mom said. Two weeks before the wedding. FIL said to my husband that it was rude MIL wasn't invited because of her disability. (I didn't even though about it). Husband talked to me about this. I talked to mom. Mom said she just wanted to help me with my dress, but did realize it sounded a little tacky after the fact. I offered to try to get her hair done. However, it would be akward having a "girls event" if FIL was dragged along as her caretaker, but I would do it. Husband said that they wouldn't accept anyway because of pride.  Note: mom wasn't coming to get her hair done because we would have fought. Mom went to beauty school and did her own hair.

MIL and FIL demanded to know (for the first time!) the specifics of the wedding 5 days before. MIL was upset about the rehearsal being planned and refused to attend because it interfered with the rehearsal dinner. They were 4 hours apart with plently of time between each event. MIL was also upset that I asked my husband to get items from our venue the day after. This was a contractual obligation. MIL was nice enough to let me sleep in with my new husband though (after asking).

They were upset with me because i gave them "nothing to do". I tried to schedule a "first look" with MIL. She called it stupid. I didn't feel comfortable giving them "in charge" tasks the day of event if they weren't going to see the venue and meet the coordinator.  They refused to speak to my husband after the wedding until both of us apologized. We simply said "Sorry you didn't get the experience you wanted. Nothing was in oversight." MIL was happy, but still lashed out we didn't call during the honeymoon.

I look at my wedding with saddness now because i was yelled at my parents in the early parts of the engagement, by my inlaws before and after the wedding. My extended family also called me a "Bridezilla witch" afterwards.
What could i have done differently? I didn't intend to leave anybody out. I was trying to make it through planning my wedding....I can organize an event. I needed help to make sure everyone felt "included" and I simply didn't have it...


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Re: What could I have done differently with my MIL?

  • I was married about a year ago.  I had a lot of drama with my wedding. While I am happy with my husband, the drama and emotions from a year ago are resurfacing

    With my mom, orginally she offered to pay for the wedding "no strings attached". There were strings it turned out. Husband and I refused her money. We were going to elope. Friends wanted us to have a party. We had a small one 35 people. I planned 90%. I am not a planner. I was miserable and had no idea what i was doing.

    My inlaws were told of our plans and asked opinions along the way. We told my parents nothing until we made the decision weeks later. I was very angry. 

    PIL are in their 70s. MIL is disabled from polio. I suspect she has dementia. However, FIL will not discuss it with us.  Her disability declined the year of our engagement. We didn't know. We talked to FIL about the venue and if it met her needs beforehand. He said it would.  Later, it didn't. They were both angry at me for not having it at a hotel. We had it at a winery. We couldn't afford a hotel.

    My MIL, during the weekend of my shower, asked my (now NC) mom what she was doing the day of the wedding. Mom said helping me get ready (I didn't even know that!). MIL said: "I never heard of that". MIL was offered a chance to see the venue that weekend, but turned it down in favor of going shopping. She dragged my husband along too (he didn't want to go, but she would have gotten angry otherwised).

    The following month before my wedding. MIL complained to FIL about what my mom said. Two weeks before the wedding. FIL said to my husband that it was rude MIL wasn't invited because of her disability. (I didn't even though about it). Husband talked to me about this. I talked to mom. Mom said she just wanted to help me with my dress, but did realize it sounded a little tacky after the fact. I offered to try to get her hair done. However, it would be akward having a "girls event" if FIL was dragged along as her caretaker, but I would do it. Husband said that they wouldn't accept anyway because of pride.  Note: mom wasn't coming to get her hair done because we would have fought. Mom went to beauty school and did her own hair.

    MIL and FIL demanded to know (for the first time!) the specifics of the wedding 5 days before. MIL was upset about the rehearsal being planned and refused to attend because it interfered with the rehearsal dinner. They were 4 hours apart with plently of time between each event. MIL was also upset that I asked my husband to get items from our venue the day after. This was a contractual obligation. MIL was nice enough to let me sleep in with my new husband though (after asking).

    They were upset with me because i gave them "nothing to do". I tried to schedule a "first look" with MIL. She called it stupid. I didn't feel comfortable giving them "in charge" tasks the day of event if they weren't going to see the venue and meet the coordinator.  They refused to speak to my husband after the wedding until both of us apologized. We simply said "Sorry you didn't get the experience you wanted. Nothing was in oversight." MIL was happy, but still lashed out we didn't call during the honeymoon.

    I look at my wedding with saddness now because i was yelled at my parents in the early parts of the engagement, by my inlaws before and after the wedding. My extended family also called me a "Bridezilla witch" afterwards.
    What could i have done differently? I didn't intend to leave anybody out. I was trying to make it through planning my wedding....I can organize an event. I needed help to make sure everyone felt "included" and I simply didn't have it...


    I don't really see the point of dwelling on all this a year after your wedding. Stop focusing on the negative aspects of that day and focus on the fact that you married your love. 

    Yeah it sucks people were upset with you, but you can't please everyone. 
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueenspoodledoodleooo
  • I dont even get why they were upset with. Could i have done anything different?
  • It wouldn't have changed me being treated like shit. NO. I am just trying to understand why she felt it was justifiable.


    MesmrEwe
  • What did i do to deserve such treatment? I felt like I went out of my way to be accommodating?

  • Your post is confusing to read, so apologies if I'm interpreting something incorrectly.

    You originally intended to elope, but on insistence from friends/family you had a small ceremony at a winery. This venue could not accommodate your MIL, but you didn't know this until after you signed contracts. They (your in-laws) are upset because they were not actively involved with wedding plans. I can't tell if your in-laws attending your wedding, or not.

    As for what you could have done? Stuck by your original plans to elope and deal with the consequences, made changes to your venue so your MIL could attend comfortably (and likely be out money), not plan a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner 4 hours apart. You definitely didn't need to do any of these, because you planned a wedding you and your DH could afford (although I do side-eye the large RD gap).

    It really sucks people are unhappy with you, but you are married (yay!) and what's done is done.
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens
  • edited August 2016
    Why are you side eyeing the large RD gap? She planned the rehearsal dinner at 6pm.  The venue was open the day before until 5pm.  Everyone could make a 2pm rehearsal so that's why we did it.

    My inlaws were told about the venue several times before.  We asked if it meant her disability needs. She said yes...unti a couple of days before the wedding and demanded we change it.  This wasn't a shocker. 

    They were also shown pictures of the venue.  We also had a disabled (wheel chair bound) friend vet it and he said it did. 

    We communicated the disability issues throughly.
  • Why are you side eyeing the large RD gap? She planned the rehearsal dinner at 6pm.  The venue was open the day before until 5pm.  Everyone could make a 2pm rehearsal so that's why we did it.

    My inlaws were told about the venue several times before.  We asked if it meant her disability needs. She said yes...unti a couple of days before the wedding and demanded we change it.  This wasn't a shocker. 
    A RD is a thank you for attending the rehearsal. Assuming your rehearsal was not 4 hours long you're making people wait around all that time to be thanked for attending. It's the same as a large gap between a ceremony and a reception. You're asking people to attend an event that has two-parts, but then telling them they're on their own for hours in between the two parts. Just because they could make a 2pm rehearsal and a 6pm dinner, doesn't mean they didn't find it annoying. I certainly would.
    levioosaei34short+sassy
  • We really didn't have a choice in the matter.  That was the only time the wedding coordinator, officiant, and venue coordinator could agree on that day.  We were obligated to have a rehearsal according to the venue and officiant. It was in both of their contracts.

    We paid for lunch before hand.  I had a bridesmaid say she couldn't make the rehearsal and I said I understood.  A groomsmen couldn't get off work. We understood. 

    There was more than enough time for my inlaws to come (they refused) and get back to the hotel, rest, and go to the rehearsal dinner venue.

    I felt my hands were tied on the time. However, I guess I was really being a bitch. We were trying to make people happy by throwing that fucking wedding.
  • I"m sorry I swore. I spent a year of my life doing everything I can to make people happy. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I missed out on things I wanted to do to make others happy. 

    I'm sorry I didn't know I was doing another wedding thing wrong by having a rehearsal at the only time that the people I was contractually obligated to hold the rehearsal with could attend.

    I am going to go and apologize to all my bridesmaid 2 of them for having them wait 4 hours for the rehearsal dinner. The time of the rehearsal dinner was chosen by my MIL and not me.


    Oh. MIL isn't blood. I do ddesrve to be yelled that though. I didn't make anyone happy that day. And now I ruined the rehearsal to by making people wait 4 hours between times when that was the only time that worked for everbody!
    I am a selfish, heartless cruel person.
  • I had the wedding from hell forty years ago.  I knew it would be difficult because of the personalities involved.  I have been happily married for 40 years.  So what if my wedding didn't please everybody?
    Get over yourself.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    OurWildKingdomdowntondivaSP29
  • You don't need to play martyr, your wedding is over and done with. The best thing you can do is stop acting like you're still a victim a year after the fact, have a glass of wine, take a bubble bath, go for a run, rub one out, talk to a therapist, and get over it.

    Sometimes people are selfish, sometimes people are shitty, sometimes people treat you bad and you didn't do anything, but coming here and saying "what did I do" while telling us an awkward stream-of-consciousness story about your wedding and then getting defensive when people ask for more details or tell you to accept that it happened and remember that it's over and you're married puts you in a really bad light.
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Your first mistake was not telling FILs that it was too late to make any changes once they started to complain about your wedding plans.  You also should have specifically mentioned that they were brought into the conversation months before about if the venue was accessible for MIL.

    Also, a lot of people don't like being a "planner".  And many people have never planned such an important party before.  I had never planned a wedding before either, but I was able to get things figured out.  It seems like you figured things out too, you just ended up with ILs who wanted things done differently.  Well guess what?  They didn't pay for the wedding, so as long as you took steps to properly host them yourselves - which it sounds like you did, they can complain until they are blue in the face.  You did nothing wrong.

    You may also want to examine your full behavior over the course of the entire wedding planning, from when your parents offered money to the actual wedding day.  If your friends are telling you that you had bridezilla tendencies - it might be time to examine your actions.  Its not that you can change those actions now, but maybe you can take steps to not repeat them in the future.  While weddings may escalate behaviors, the behaviors usually already exist to some extent prior to and after weddings as well.

    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • OP, it really sounds like you need to talk to a professional, neutral 3rd party. The things in your OP are not catastrophes. Being emotional a year later about any of that stuff makes me think this goes a lot deeper than a hair appointment and picking items up from the venue.

    If it's your ILs who are stirring up old drama, let your FI handle it and take a back seat. Drama is pretty boring if one side refuses to engage. Be the side that refuses to engage and overthink it.

    *********************************************************************************

    image
    OurWildKingdomSP29poodledoodleooomollybarker11
  • OP, you are entitled to feel anything about how your day unfolded. Usually, if this was right after, I would encourage embracing the feelings and then moving forward. This happened a year ago. I would really encourage you to speak to someone professional about your feelings and how to move forward.

    I'm sorry that you are having concerns and I can appreciate wanting to figure out how to modify behaviours to prevent recurrences, but I think the time has passed to rehash this event.

    OurWildKingdomei34SP29
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    ernursej said:

    OP, you are entitled to feel anything about how your day unfolded. Usually, if this was right after, I would encourage embracing the feelings and then moving forward. This happened a year ago. I would really encourage you to speak to someone professional about your feelings and how to move forward.

    I'm sorry that you are having concerns and I can appreciate wanting to figure out how to modify behaviours to prevent recurrences, but I think the time has passed to rehash this event.

    Well said. A lot kinder than I could come up with. 

    OP, I know from difficult in-laws. I was convinced that my SIL hated me for years. I finally figured out that a lot of it had nothing to do with me; she's a very unhappy person and doesn't like many people, including herself. The parts that did have to do with me -- an apology is pointless. The best thing I can do is to admit I was wrong and change the behavior that caused the rift.
    SP29
  • If your going to lie down on the floor and let people walk all over, don't complain when your back starts hurting.  Often times I find "I just wanted to make everyone happy" and "I'm a people pleaser" actually means "I refuse to stand up for myself, what are the magic words that will make everyone instantly change into who I want them to be?"

    Those words don't exist.  Ever.  At all.  In any language.  Anywhere.  

    All you can change and control is yourself.  Your boundaries, your reactions, your decisions.  Independent adults don't "have" to do anything their parents ask them to do but they do have to own their own decisions. 

    --stuck in the box--

    Yes yes yes to all of this. OP, your first mistake was changing your plans just because some friends wanted a party.  While you have to host your guests properly once you decide to invite them, you are not obligated to have any guests in the first place. If eloping felt right for you and your husband, you should have done that and not caved just because some people were bummed about not having a party. 

    It's unfortunate that your wedding wasn't a good experience, but it's too late to change any of it, and it's not worth dwelling over what you could have done differently. What you can do now, though, is focus on your good marriage instead of your disappointing wedding. You can also stop making yourself into a martyr trying to please everyone, especially your in-laws. 

    image
    OurWildKingdomSP29
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