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wedding

annaslayannaslay member
First Comment
edited September 2016 in Wedding Party
     wedding
«1

Re: wedding

  • annaslayannaslay member
    First Comment
    edited August 2016
    Thank you so much for the detailed response. It's nice to hear from an "outside party." I felt bad about the not asking step sisters, and I know I should have asked them from the beginning. We planned the wedding quickly, so they were not on "the b-list" for more than a couple weeks, and I don't even think they knew. We hadn't even made our wedding parties official or told anyone at the time.They have been really helpful and really supportive.

    And yes, I have friends to stay with. But I also have a young child, so it's going to be hard (but do able), since they don't have any child stuff like my mom has at her house. High chair, crib, toys, etc.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    annaslay said:
    Thank you so much for the detailed response. It's nice to hear from an "outside party." I felt bad about the not asking step sisters, and I know I should have asked them from the beginning. We planned the wedding quickly, so they were not on "the b-list" for more than a couple weeks, and I don't even think they knew. We hadn't even made our wedding parties official or told anyone at the time.They have been really helpful and really supportive.

    And yes, I have friends to stay with. But I also have a young child, so it's going to be hard (but do able), since they don't have any child stuff like my mom has at her house. High chair, crib, toys, etc.
    Remember that manipulation is not healthy, and setting boundaries with your mom will be the best thing for you and your family.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  


    image
    OurWildKingdomSP29MesmrEwecowgirl8238
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry this is happening.

    It's very sad that your mother can't put her feelings about it on the shelf for you, but she and her family really need to get over it. Who your bridesmaids are is something your mother is not entitled to any input into.

    Can you bring any items from your house to your friends' house for your child so you don't have to rely on anything at your mother's house?


    OurWildKingdomcowgirl8238
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    Your mother is being the ultimate drama llama.

    Are we long past the simple, "Mom, I really love you. You are very important to me and I really want you to be a part of this process if you want to be. But my step-sisters are important to me too. I can tell this is upsetting you but I don't understand why. Can you tell me how you're feeling and what the causes are?"
    From the sounds of it she's long past the point of talking like a rational adult though, it sounds like.


    While she is totally at fault here, I have to wonder, is there more to the story?

    Is there some reason she's acting so violent towards your picking your step-sisters?
    Is there any bad blood between your mom and the step-mom?
    Does your mom have step-children / biological children too that are being left out of the wedding?
    Did she suggest a cousin or someone on her side and you shut her down?
    Does she think the step sisters are bad influence for some reason / they've had some sort of altercation?

    I'm not saying any of those are excuses, because none of them are. Your bridal party is your business and her behavior is just all-out bad. But it just seems soooooo extreme that I wonder if it's rooted in something else? (may not be. Divorce can just create lots of emotional landmines)


    An aside and all-about-me moment that you can ignore:
    Sorry. Divorce can just make people goofy. My mom's been happily with my step-father now longer than she was with my dad... but things with my dad's family can just set her off. Once a few months ago she called me up and asked if I wanted to go see a movie with her in two hours. I told her no, because I'd promised to pick up my aunt (who I see MAYBE twice a year) at the airport and then have dinner with her before she'd drive home (3 hours away). Mom just went ape shit on me... saying that I take the people I should care about for granted... that my aunt was just using me as a hotel... that she wasn't there for me when my dad left so why should I be there for her now?
    Or when I chose to spend labor day weekend with my cousin who I hadn't seen in a year and was just getting over her third miscarriage... "Why are you choosing people who don't give a damn about you over your real family?" "Where was your cousin when your father walked out on us?" (she was 14, lived 3 hours away, and there was no widespread web access yet! What was she supposed to do about it??). "Remember fourth of July three years ago? You chose to go see your father and then your grandmother died."

    All the time I'd spend with her or her family (which was considerably larger) was immediately forgotten and I was supposedly only showing any care for Dad's side.

    Honestly this is still a sticking point and I don't even tell her when I have plans involving my dad's side. Not exactly healthy...
    annaslaySP29cowgirl8238short+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2016
    annaslay said:
    So a little background to set the mood.

    My parents had an awful, nasty divorce...almost 20 years ago. Both of my parents are remarried to much better partners than they were together. I truly love both of my step parents. My dad's wife has two daughters who are close to my age, and have become so much more than step sisters over the last 12 years my dad and step mom have been together, they are 2 of my closest friends. I originally had just 2 bridesmaids, but after talking with my fiancé we decided to increase the wedding party so that he could ask a couple friends, so I decided that I would ask my step sister. I told my mom that I was asking them to be bridesmaids, and she was visibly upset, and said do what you want. I asked them to be bridesmaids, they said yes, and I told my mom, and all hell has broken loose. My mom sat on it for a week, didn't answer any of my phone calls or FaceTime so she could see her grand-daughter, and called me to tell me that she and her side of the family cannot believe how I could do this to her. She told me that she is not helping me with the wedding anymore financially or even helping. I live out of state with my fiancé who is in the Navy and our daughter, and was really relying on her to help with picking up my dress, working with my step dads mom for the flowers (she's a professional gardener), helping out with her grand-daughter when I have wedding things to do. She told me that all she can do is show up for the wedding and not make a scene. So she doesn't want to get ready with me, come to the rehearsal dinner, nothing. She said that she bought an ugly dress at the thrift store so that people can see how much she really does not want to be at this wedding. I am supposed to fly up there this weekend for 2 weeks to wrap up some wedding details (the wedding in 6 weeks), but I don't even know if I have a place to stay. Am I just an awful daughter? My mom's whole side of the family is mad at me, they don't even think my step mom and her family should be allowed to come. My dad thinks I should just cancel the wedding because my moms side of the family accounts for 75% of the wedding, and just have a party for people who already have plane tickets and lodging, save money, and my dad will give us the rest of the money he was going to spend for a down payment on a house. I know my dad is saying that because he is so mad at my mom, but I really have no idea what to do. All of the RSVPs are going to my moms house, and now I have to personally call everyone to ask if they are coming because we "lost the RSVPs."

    What should I do???

    Note: my step mom had nothing to do with the divorce, they met like 6 years after my parents separated. 
    Take your mother at her word.  Do not include her in any of your wedding plans, other than to invite her.  Do not rely on her for any help.  Make your own arrangements without her.
    If your Mom is upset that you are now ignoring her, too bad.  This was her own doing.  Your Mom is showing all the signs of a woman with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Do not count on her for ANYTHING! 
    Your Dad sounds like a sensible man. Cancel your wedding plans and have a small ceremony with the people who are close to you, or elope.  You will be just as married, and your Mom will have lost all control she had over you.
    Please get counseling about dealing with your mother.  Read this book, https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1472681084&sr=1-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough

    I think I know why your parents got divorced.  Mom.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEwe
  • No, there is no one else on her side that I would be excluding in order to have my step-sisters. My step dad does not have kids. I forgot to mention, I also have 8 junior bridesmaids (all cousins on my moms side). Kids love being in weddings, and I didn't want to exclude anyone. My mom wasn't pressuring me to have them, I am the one who wants them in the wedding and feel included. All of the options for bridesmaids on my mom's side are all under the age of 14, and I am including them, so that's not the issue. My step sisters are great, they never had a rebellious stage, went to college, and devoted to the family.
  • I am flying home, live a 1000 miles away. I am just going to have to fly with a bunch of stuff, not a huge deal.
  • annaslay said:
    No, there is no one else on her side that I would be excluding in order to have my step-sisters. My step dad does not have kids. I forgot to mention, I also have 8 junior bridesmaids (all cousins on my moms side). Kids love being in weddings, and I didn't want to exclude anyone. My mom wasn't pressuring me to have them, I am the one who wants them in the wedding and feel included. All of the options for bridesmaids on my mom's side are all under the age of 14, and I am including them, so that's not the issue. My step sisters are great, they never had a rebellious stage, went to college, and devoted to the family.
    Please don't call them "junior bridesmaids".  They are "bridesmaids".
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • annaslayannaslay member
    First Comment
    edited September 2016
    What's wrong with the term junior bridesmaids? I didn't know that was a bad term to use. That's what they were called when I was younger, and they are all under the age of 13.
  • First, you need to determine the whole RSVP thing to get those cards (we'd never advise sending them to anyone other than you/FI for this very reason!) - even if it takes being a little manipulative on your part "Mom - we are planning to use them as part of the reception" (we used them for a match/mirror kiss instead of the whole "glass klinking for a kiss" thing - if guests wanted us to we picked a random card).. 

    But as PP mentioned, let her chill out for a little while, this isn't likely new behavior for her.  Weddings bring out the best and worst in people.  If she wants to wear a potato sack dress, that's fine, some of them used to be quite nice looking!  Her behavior in this case is not a reflection of you.  If she's not paying for anything now, that's fine, make some adjustments, you're six weeks out.  And, no matter what the dress looks like, go ahead and say "Mom - you look great" the day of your wedding (because the important part is that she's there).. 

    Set boundaries now! 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    annaslayMairePoppy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    annaslay said:
    What's wrong with the term junior bridesmaids? I didn't know that was a bad term to use. That's what they were called when I was younger, and they are all under the age of 13.
    It's just that there's no reason to point out that they're younger per the title. Are they going to stand up with you? They're bridesmaids. It's not mandatory for bridesmaids to do anything else (parties, etc.), so it's really not necessary to tell the girls, "Now, you're the children here." On the contrary, they get to feel very grown up if they have the BM title.
    CMGragainSP29cowgirl8238
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Also, I'm very sorry that your mom is being so ridiculous. (And you too, @aurianna - jeepers.) PPs have good advice for how to handle her. I wouldn't take all of her drama at her word (particularly the hearsay about how her family feels). They may think she's behaving as childishly as we do.
    MairePoppyMesmrEwecowgirl8238
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2016
    annaslay said:
    What's wrong with the term junior bridesmaids? I didn't know that was a bad term to use. That's what they were called when I was younger, and they are all under the age of 13.
    The only things bridesmaids who are minors can't do that adult bridesmaids can is sign your marriage certificate as witnesses, go into adult establishments, and legally drink alcohol.

    They can wear bridesmaid dresses, attend non "adults-only" events, walk up and down the aisle, and pose for photos. So why make a big deal out of their non-adult status by calling them "junior" anything? Kids don't like that. It doesn't make them feel "special" or "honored" in a good way.
    CMGragain
  • I don't think we're making a big deal out of the "junior" part. But there is a difference, they are not going to be getting ready with me, they won't be in all of the pictures. I did junior bridesmaid so that I could include all of my cousins' children. My bridesmaids are getting bouquets, and they are going to carry a flower down, and they're standing in a separate area (we are getting married on a cliff, and I wouldn't want the kids getting too close). The youngest junior bridesmaid is 3 years old, so I don't feel obligated to make sure that they are called bridesmaids. I was a junior bridesmaid when I was 14, and it meant the world to me. I never felt like I was disrespected or unappreciated at all.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    annaslay said:
    I don't think we're making a big deal out of the "junior" part. But there is a difference, they are not going to be getting ready with me, they won't be in all of the pictures. I did junior bridesmaid so that I could include all of my cousins' children. My bridesmaids are getting bouquets, and they are going to carry a flower down, and they're standing in a separate area (we are getting married on a cliff, and I wouldn't want the kids getting too close). The youngest junior bridesmaid is 3 years old, so I don't feel obligated to make sure that they are called bridesmaids. I was a junior bridesmaid when I was 14, and it meant the world to me. I never felt like I was disrespected or unappreciated at all.
    You didn't need to include all of your cousins' children, and you could still have done so just by calling them "bridesmaids."

    It sounds like you are making a big deal out of calling them "junior" for reasons that are not justified by anything you've said here.

    Why not just make the 3 year old a flower girl? She's the perfect age for that.
    InLoveInQueens
  • annaslayannaslay member
    First Comment
    edited September 2016
    Because our daughter and my niece are flower girls, and I really wanted it to be special for them by themselves. And the other cousins really wanted to stick together. 

    My aunt (mother of 2 of the girls) is a wedding planner, and says "junior bridesmaid" is a normal and totally acceptable term for young girls. Non of them are upset or offended, they are just happy that they all get to wear matching dresses and carry bouquets. 

    And for people saying that I didn't want them in the wedding, I adore these little girls and want them to be a part of my day, and I don't think I am offending them at all by calling it "junior". My aunts say that they can't stop talking about the wedding, and are counting down the days. I think it would have offended the girls if I called the 2 older girls (who are in 7th grade) bridesmaids, and not the younger girls. 
  • I appreciate all the support an advice.

    I'm not looking for advice about the "junior" bridesmaids. My cousins are happy, their parents are happy, and I'm happy about it. I was a junior bridesmaid, and not once did I ever feel like I was being shafted for not being called bridesmaid.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2016
    annaslay said:
    I appreciate all the support an advice.

    I'm not looking for advice about the "junior" bridesmaids. My cousins are happy, their parents are happy, and I'm happy about it. I was a junior bridesmaid, and not once did I ever feel like I was being shafted for not being called bridesmaid.
    News flash: It doesn't matter whether or not you were "looking for advice" about the "junior" bridesmaids.  When you post on a public Internet board, every letter of your post is open to comment whether you were "looking for advice" about it or not.  That's how the Internet works.  You're not entitled to tell others what they can comment on. And people are entitled to disagree with any or all of what you have to say, whether you "were looking for advice" about it or not.

    If you don't want advice about something. then don't post about it.

    Second news flash: regardless of your own experience, many younger people aren't happy being called "junior" anything. Maybe even your cousins aren't but haven't said so to keep the peace. Silence does not equal consent. So stop projecting your "it didn't bother me so it shouldn't bother them" attitude on them and find out from them whether it really does or not before making them accept "junior" status, and if it does, then drop the "junior." They're doing you a favor by being in your wedding party. You're not doing them one. You're supposed to be honoring them, so make sure that they feel honored by asking them what they prefer rather than just assuming it based on their silence and how you felt. As they say, "assuming makes an ass out of you and me." Don't be an ass by not taking their feelings into consideration.
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensCMGragaincowgirl8238
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    OP, you do realize your post was quoted and therefore deleting it was pointless?
    CMGragain
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited September 2016
    annaslay said:
    I appreciate all the support an advice.

    I'm not looking for advice about the "junior" bridesmaids. My cousins are happy, their parents are happy, and I'm happy about it. I was a junior bridesmaid, and not once did I ever feel like I was being shafted for not being called bridesmaid.
    It really doesn't matter how you felt.  This is not about you.  It is about how you are treating other people.  (Yes, children are people!)
    It would have been OK to have all those children as bridesmaids, but that is not what you are doing.  You are using them for their cuteness factor.  Children are not props for your wedding.
    When you ask for advice, we give you the etiquette approved version here on The Knot.  If you want someone to tell you that having their parents buy special dresses so their children can walk down the aisle, but not actually be in your wedding party, is soooo precious - well, you are on the wrong website.
    We supported you with your mother's attitude.  Now you don't like our advice, so you delete your original post (which was already quoted) and run?  Grow up.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueens
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