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So a little background to set the mood.My parents had an awful, nasty divorce...almost 20 years ago. Both of my parents are remarried to much better partners than they were together. I truly love both of my step parents. My dad's wife has two daughters who are close to my age, and have become so much more than step sisters over the last 12 years my dad and step mom have been together, they are 2 of my closest friends. I originally had just 2 bridesmaids, but after talking with my fiancé we decided to increase the wedding party so that he could ask a couple friends, so I decided that I would ask my step sister. I told my mom that I was asking them to be bridesmaids, and she was visibly upset, and said do what you want. I asked them to be bridesmaids, they said yes, and I told my mom, and all hell has broken loose. My mom sat on it for a week, didn't answer any of my phone calls or FaceTime so she could see her grand-daughter, and called me to tell me that she and her side of the family cannot believe how I could do this to her. She told me that she is not helping me with the wedding anymore financially or even helping. I live out of state with my fiancé who is in the Navy and our daughter, and was really relying on her to help with picking up my dress, working with my step dads mom for the flowers (she's a professional gardener), helping out with her grand-daughter when I have wedding things to do. She told me that all she can do is show up for the wedding and not make a scene. So she doesn't want to get ready with me, come to the rehearsal dinner, nothing. She said that she bought an ugly dress at the thrift store so that people can see how much she really does not want to be at this wedding. I am supposed to fly up there this weekend for 2 weeks to wrap up some wedding details (the wedding in 6 weeks), but I don't even know if I have a place to stay. Am I just an awful daughter? My mom's whole side of the family is mad at me, they don't even think my step mom and her family should be allowed to come. My dad thinks I should just cancel the wedding because my moms side of the family accounts for 75% of the wedding, and just have a party for people who already have plane tickets and lodging, save money, and my dad will give us the rest of the money he was going to spend for a down payment on a house. I know my dad is saying that because he is so mad at my mom, but I really have no idea what to do. All of the RSVPs are going to my moms house, and now I have to personally call everyone to ask if they are coming because we "lost the RSVPs."What should I do???Note: my step mom had nothing to do with the divorce, they met like 6 years after my parents separated.
Thank you so much for the detailed response. It's nice to hear from an "outside party." I felt bad about the not asking step sisters, and I know I should have asked them from the beginning. We planned the wedding quickly, so they were not on "the b-list" for more than a couple weeks, and I don't even think they knew. We hadn't even made our wedding parties official or told anyone at the time.They have been really helpful and really supportive.And yes, I have friends to stay with. But I also have a young child, so it's going to be hard (but do able), since they don't have any child stuff like my mom has at her house. High chair, crib, toys, etc.
Reading your letter, I would for surely think that your step-mom was somehow involved in the dissolution of your parents marriage. But to know that they didn't meet until 6 years later is just crazy! Your mom is happily married to someone else, so why is she so hung up on you having your step-sisters as BMs?
I think if your mom tries to give you more grief about your step-sisters as BMs, you should tell her that they are more than step-sisters, they are close friends too. Tell mom that her behavior is only making her look bad and that as Climbing says, she can attend the wedding in a potato sack for all you care. Any event leading up to the wedding that she doesn't want to attend, she doesn't have to, just tell her she will be missed.
I'd also want to be a little petty (since her behavior is so bad) by saying that step-mom will be there to help you with the things she doesn't want to do now, like help you into your dress. But that might cause a major meltdown and its probably nothing you want to deal with now.
As another PP said, try to contact step-dad about the RSVPs. If he is no help, start sending out mass emails, private fb requests, phone calls and let people know there is a problem with the RSVPs and you need to be told about their attendance instead sending back the RSVP card. And if they did send in the card, to also let you know their RSVP again, and you are sorry for the inconvenience.
Lastly, is any of that baby gear yours? Or did your mom buy it to make it easier for you to visit? If its yours, go over there and get it to use at friends' houses. If she asks why, tell her you don't feel welcomed in her home right now and have made alternate plans for somewhere to stay while you finish up wedding plans and you are just grabbing the items that you own.
No, there is no one else on her side that I would be excluding in order to have my step-sisters. My step dad does not have kids. I forgot to mention, I also have 8 junior bridesmaids (all cousins on my moms side). Kids love being in weddings, and I didn't want to exclude anyone. My mom wasn't pressuring me to have them, I am the one who wants them in the wedding and feel included. All of the options for bridesmaids on my mom's side are all under the age of 14, and I am including them, so that's not the issue. My step sisters are great, they never had a rebellious stage, went to college, and devoted to the family.
First, you need to determine the whole RSVP thing to get those cards (we'd never advise sending them to anyone other than you/FI for this very reason!) - even if it takes being a little manipulative on your part "Mom - we are planning to use them as part of the reception" (we used them for a match/mirror kiss instead of the whole "glass klinking for a kiss" thing - if guests wanted us to we picked a random card)..
But as PP mentioned, let her chill out for a little while, this isn't likely new behavior for her. Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. If she wants to wear a potato sack dress, that's fine, some of them used to be quite nice looking! Her behavior in this case is not a reflection of you. If she's not paying for anything now, that's fine, make some adjustments, you're six weeks out. And, no matter what the dress looks like, go ahead and say "Mom - you look great" the day of your wedding (because the important part is that she's there)..
Set boundaries now!
What's wrong with the term junior bridesmaids? I didn't know that was a bad term to use. That's what they were called when I was younger, and they are all under the age of 13.
I don't think we're making a big deal out of the "junior" part. But there is a difference, they are not going to be getting ready with me, they won't be in all of the pictures. I did junior bridesmaid so that I could include all of my cousins' children. My bridesmaids are getting bouquets, and they are going to carry a flower down, and they're standing in a separate area (we are getting married on a cliff, and I wouldn't want the kids getting too close). The youngest junior bridesmaid is 3 years old, so I don't feel obligated to make sure that they are called bridesmaids. I was a junior bridesmaid when I was 14, and it meant the world to me. I never felt like I was disrespected or unappreciated at all.
I appreciate all the support an advice.I'm not looking for advice about the "junior" bridesmaids. My cousins are happy, their parents are happy, and I'm happy about it. I was a junior bridesmaid, and not once did I ever feel like I was being shafted for not being called bridesmaid.