How to Avoid Added Guests to RSVP

Knottie1456058884

Is there a way to word the RSVP card that people cannot or will not add in guests who are not invited.

I am still a few months away from sending out invites and this part is giving me the most anxiety.  I really don't want to have to call anyone to inform them that the guest they wrote in is not invited to the wedding.

What has worked for you?

thisismynickname2

What worked for me is:

____ seats have been reserved in your honor.

Please initial meal choice for those attending
__beef
__seafood
__chicken

If you combine that with properly addressing your envelope, you will be as clear as you possibly can be about who's invited. A recent poster had this method and someone wrote in "3" attending when "2" seats had been reserved. There's always going to be an asshole somewhere! But this method generally works.

Just don't word anything along the lines that people can't add more. That puts the rudeness on you rather than your guests. General rule of thumb- say nothing on an invite and RSVP card about who's not invited. 

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1456058884 said:

Is there a way to word the RSVP card that people cannot or will not add in guests who are not invited.

I am still a few months away from sending out invites and this part is giving me the most anxiety.  I really don't want to have to call anyone to inform them that the guest they wrote in is not invited to the wedding.

What has worked for you?

In addition to what Thisismynickname says above, I hope that you aren't asking for a way to NOT invite SOs.  That is rude and if someone is in a relationship with another person, they should be invited together by name on the invitation. 

And if Aunt Sally thinks that her MIL's brother should also attend your wedding and write in that persons' name on your invitation.  Simply call Aunt Sally and say that you are sorry for the confusion but the invitation was only for Aunt Sally and Uncle Gus.  You are unable to accommodate any other guests.  If they threaten to not come, then say that they will be missed at the wedding.

Jen4948

Knottie1456058884 said:

Is there a way to word the RSVP card that people cannot or will not add in guests who are not invited.

I am still a few months away from sending out invites and this part is giving me the most anxiety.  I really don't want to have to call anyone to inform them that the guest they wrote in is not invited to the wedding.

What has worked for you?

Unfortunately, there's no way to prevent anyone from writing in extra guests in advance and calling them to tell them that the invitation includes only those persons listed on the envelope is the only etiquette-approved way of letting them know that. And unless you are planning to turn away uninvited guests at the door, it is also the only effective way to deal with it (although you run the risk that people will throw temper tantrums and/or show up with uninvited guests anyway).

MesmrEwe

"Two seats have been reserved in _____ and _____'s honor" (yes, no avoiding inviting SO's)..  Listing the names of those invited on the RSVP card avoids the most conflict of added uninvited guests when there are those true situations involved of "no way are we inviting..."

No anxiety - it's o.k. to set boundaries and start to learn the artful form of confrontation without confronting if it does happen "Just wanted to call and say unfortunately we can't accommodate Tony the Terror at the wedding, will you and Bobby still be able to make it or not?"

MobKaz

As others have said, there is NO foolproof way to avoid the arrogance of a guest including additional, non-invited guests.  I think it happens more often with children.  We had a nephew include his daughter on the invitation with the notation, "She will not require a seat nor food as we will share ours with her". 

It is better to prepare yourself with calm and objective statements for your rebuttal. 

SP29

We did "____ seats have been reserved for you".

We didn't have any issues with un-invited guests, but a poster on here recently did (as mentioned above).

There is no fool proof way, but either including something like "___seats have been reserved" or writing in your guests name on the RSVP already can help.

Knottie1456058884

Thank you all for your help!

For those of you who mentioned writing. "____ seats have been reserved in your honor."

Did you write in the number or is that where they write in the number?

For instance, if you invite uncle Jim and Aunt Dana, did you write in "2 seats have been reserved in your honor". Or did you let them fill it in.....

If you did write it in, what if Aunt Dana can come, but Uncle Jim cannot but you already wrote in the number?


I hope that wasn't too confusing...

drglitter

Mine said 

_____ Number of seats reserved in your honor

and I wrote in the number.

Then there was 

_____ Number of guests attending

under it for them to write in.

justsie

Most people write their rsvp cards like this if they are writing in a number 

Jen4948

Unfortunately, writing in guests' names and the number of seats reserved on RSVP cards doesn't stop guests from adding extra guests of their own to their RSVPs. You still have to call them and explain that their extra guests can't be accommodated - and be prepared for them to show up anyway.

bumpjanie

We had 2 people RSVP with a +1 that wasn't invited. We tried to be as specific as possible with our invites but people sometimes graze past the details. We felt bad because we didn't know that the guests were in a relationship to begin with, and we had never met their SOs (not married).  We ended up telling them they couldn't bring a date, which was an uncomfortable conversation but they were understanding about it.  We also had a couple RSVP for them and all of their kids (despite it being an adult only reception).  They RSVP'd NO so we were saved from having the awkward conversation on that one.  It happens, and yes, no one wants to be in that position but hopefully your guests will understand. 

geebee908

Knottie38759220 said:

We had 2 people RSVP with a +1 that wasn't invited. We tried to be as specific as possible with our invites but people sometimes graze past the details. We felt bad because we didn't know that the guests were in a relationship to begin with, and we had never met their SOs (not married).  We ended up telling them they couldn't bring a date, which was an uncomfortable conversation but they were understanding about it.  We also had a couple RSVP for them and all of their kids (despite it being an adult only reception).  They RSVP'd NO so we were saved from having the awkward conversation on that one.  It happens, and yes, no one wants to be in that position but hopefully your guests will understand. 

For lurkers, this is bad form. If you plan from the beginning for each of your adult guests to be in a relationship by the time your wedding comes around, you'll be able to say, "Oh, we'd be glad to have you and your partner at the wedding; we can't wait to meet him/her." Then you'll save yourself awkward conversations and offended friends and relatives.

bumpjanie

 geebee908 - If you start extending +1s to guests who unknowingly RSVP for an extra guest, how will that make other guests feel that did not get a +1?  Is that not also rude?  

geebee908

Knottie38759220 said:

 geebee908 - If you start extending +1s to guests who unknowingly RSVP for an extra guest, how will that make other guests feel that did not get a +1?  Is that not also rude?  

The problem is your understanding of +1s. You don't have to give a truly single guest a +1. However, you should plan for any of your single guests to possibly begin a relationship with someone in the time between making your budget and guest list and the wedding. This is because good etiquette calls for inviting the SOs of anyone on your guest list. An SO is not a +1. If you didn't know about the SO until the RSVP came in, you would have still been able to graciously extend your invitation to include the SO because you planned for it from the beginning.

Your truly single guests should also understand the difference between a +1 and an SO.

bumpjanie

Good etiquette calls for inviting SOs that are married, engaged, living together, in a serious relationship, or have a close relationship to the couple.  Any guests in a less committed relationship do not require a +1, but it is up to the couple.  Nonetheless, the couple should be fair and even with all the couples that fall into the "less committed" category.  Etiquette is- to some degree- a matter of opinion, but I personally have not read anything that says otherwise.

levioosa

Everyone in a relationship must be invited with their SO, regardless of the length of time, living or marital status.  

ShesSoCold

Knottie38759220 said:

Good etiquette calls for inviting SOs that are married, engaged, living together, in a serious relationship, or have a close relationship to the couple.  Any guests in a less committed relationship do not require a +1, but it is up to the couple.  Nonetheless, the couple should be fair and even with all the couples that fall into the "less committed" category.  Etiquette is- to some degree- a matter of opinion, but I personally have not read anything that says otherwise.

Who told you that?

Nothing screams "I'm an asshole" like inviting someone to celebrate your relationship while dismissing and shitting on theirs.

levioosa

Knottie38759220 said:

Good etiquette calls for inviting SOs that are married, engaged, living together, in a serious relationship, or have a close relationship to the couple.  Any guests in a less committed relationship do not require a +1, but it is up to the couple.  Nonetheless, the couple should be fair and even with all the couples that fall into the "less committed" category.  Etiquette is- to some degree- a matter of opinion, but I personally have not read anything that says otherwise.

This is wrong.  SO and I have been together almost four years.  We are not engaged, we do not live together, but we are extremely committed to each other.  But just because I don't have a ring you're going to shit on my relationship and say it's not valid?  What a shitty friend.  

Jen4948

Knottie38759220 said:

Good etiquette calls for inviting SOs that are married, engaged, living together, in a serious relationship, or have a close relationship to the couple.  Any guests in a less committed relationship do not require a +1, but it is up to the couple.  Nonetheless, the couple should be fair and even with all the couples that fall into the "less committed" category.  Etiquette is- to some degree- a matter of opinion, but I personally have not read anything that says otherwise.

I was in a relationship for three years and moving towards engagement (although we didn't live together), but was still not invited with my BF to a close friends wedding because of a "no ring no bring" policy. I turned it down. Sorry, but it's not anyone's business but mine and my BF's how "committed" we are -- and if someone's going to use it to invite only one of us to their wedding, I will decline their invitation -- and think much less of them than I did before receiving their invitation.

bumpjanie

Google +1 etiquette, every single article says the same thing.  I have yet to find a single one that says otherwise.

http://www.everafterguide.com/wedding-plus-one-etiquette.html
http://www.brides.com/blogs/aisle-say/2015/12/wedding-guest-list-plus-one-etiquette-who-gets-one.html
https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-invitations-etiquette
http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list
http://www.whowhatwear.com/bringing-guests-to-a-wedding-etiquette/slide4
http://emilypost.com/advice/inside-weddings-handling-your-guests-with-grace/
http://www.brit.co/wedding-etiquette-plus-one/
http://www.today.com/style/not-your-parents-wedding-modern-wedding-guest-etiquette-t24161

Jen4948

Knottie38759220 said:

Google +1 etiquette, every single article says the same thing.  I have yet to find a single one that says otherwise.

http://www.everafterguide.com/wedding-plus-one-etiquette.html
http://www.brides.com/blogs/aisle-say/2015/12/wedding-guest-list-plus-one-etiquette-who-gets-one.html
https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-invitations-etiquette
http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list
http://www.whowhatwear.com/bringing-guests-to-a-wedding-etiquette/slide4
http://emilypost.com/advice/inside-weddings-handling-your-guests-with-grace/
http://www.brit.co/wedding-etiquette-plus-one/
http://www.today.com/style/not-your-parents-wedding-modern-wedding-guest-etiquette-t24161

Those are all garbage. Not one of them is written by someone outside the wedding industry. And also, none of them offer correct etiquette advice regarding +1s.

lyndausvi

It amazes me how judgmental people becomes in regards to people's relationships when they start planning a wedding.

These people tell you they are in a relationship and then you decide it's not committed enough?    Really?

geebee908

That "less committed" couple's wedding could be the next one you're invited to. You can't make those judgments which is why you don't apply any kind of filter on the seriousness of anyone relationship.

ShesSoCold

Knottie38759220 said:

Google +1 etiquette, every single article says the same thing.  I have yet to find a single one that says otherwise.

http://www.everafterguide.com/wedding-plus-one-etiquette.html
http://www.brides.com/blogs/aisle-say/2015/12/wedding-guest-list-plus-one-etiquette-who-gets-one.html
https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-invitations-etiquette
http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list
http://www.whowhatwear.com/bringing-guests-to-a-wedding-etiquette/slide4
http://emilypost.com/advice/inside-weddings-handling-your-guests-with-grace/
http://www.brit.co/wedding-etiquette-plus-one/
http://www.today.com/style/not-your-parents-wedding-modern-wedding-guest-etiquette-t24161

Do you also believe the salespeople who tell you that you NEED a new car or that the calf leather is so much better than cloth for your couch and the extra money spent is totally worth it?

MeetTheLaras

I have to admit that I did a lot of research on +1's before sending out invites. Every thing I read said something along the line of it being okay to limit +1's to those in relationships. Some even went as far as saying only those who are married/engaged or only the SO's you've met. 

I just assumed that those who were dating someone would bring them. Although I did have instances where someone I thought was single RSVPed for two. They totally ignored the wording on the invitation, but I'm happy they did. I didn't intend to leave out anyone's date. 

geebee908

Etiquette is pretty simple here as the purpose of etiquette is to avoid offending your invited guests. Will planning for and extending an invitation to a couple in a relationship at the time of your wedding possibly offend that couple? Not likely. Will not inviting the SO of a guest possibly offend that guest? More than likely yes, so just don't do it.

artbyallie

Knottie38759220 You do not get to decide if one couple is 'less committed' than another. End of story.

Knottie1456058884

My question was not whether or not to invite significant other.  I said that all significant others were invited.  My question was how to word the invite to avoid that weren't invited getting written in.  Thank you to those who answered my question.

Heffalump

KnottieNumbers, you keep conflating SOs and +1s. They are different things, as several people have helpfully explained above. So don't be surprised if Googling +1 isn't giving you accurate info re: inviting significant others. Apples and oranges.

How do you know how serious a couple is? Are you a mind reader, or do you plan to implement some sort of questionnaire, essay, and personal interview to help you make the final call?

Significant others get an invitation, full stop. True plus-ones are your call. (IMO, it's a nice thing to do, but that's a personal preference.)

Jen4948

Knottie1456058884 said:

My question was not whether or not to invite significant other.  I said that all significant others were invited.  My question was how to word the invite to avoid that weren't invited getting written in.  Thank you to those who answered my question.

It doesn't matter what your question was.  If you post something in this forum, it's available for anyone to respond to as they see fit. You do not get to control how others respond to your posts any more than you get to control who is or isn't in a "committed relationship."