Moms and Maids

BM question

I originally told my bridesmaids they could do their hair however they wanted just not down b/c I will be wearing my hair down. 

Since then I've received multiple emails and questions about what's okay, what's not.  Most of the girls we're choosing 2 styles so I just thought it would be easier to use them for everyone.

I now have one bridesmaid refusing to use either hair style.  I asked her what she wanted b/c as long as it wasn't way out of left field, I was going to say okay and not care

BUT she won't tell me/show me and has now said she'll get ready on her own and meet us at the church. 

I don't get what is so difficult and I'm starting to get mad/upset/confused.  Am I being ridiculous?

Re: BM question

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:929539ae-fab7-4b41-a2f8-20155505582fPost:e253b9ed-a8d1-4f7a-b623-1504201aac5d">BM question</a>:
    [QUOTE]I originally told my bridesmaids they could do their hair however they wanted just not down b/c I will be wearing my hair down.  Since then I've received multiple emails and questions about what's okay, what's not.  Most of the girls we're choosing 2 styles so I just thought it would be easier to use them for everyone. I now have one bridesmaid refusing to use either hair style.  I asked her what she wanted b/c as long as it wasn't way out of left field, I was going to say okay and not care BUT she won't tell me/show me and has now said she'll get ready on her own and meet us at the church.  I don't get what is so difficult and I'm starting to get mad/upset/confused. <strong> Am I being ridiculous?</strong>
    Posted by Soon2BNicoleD[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>By telling your BMs how they can and can't wear their hair? Yes. </div><div>
    </div><div>I don't see why it matters if they want to wear their hair down. They won't be in a white dress at the altar so I don't think anyone is going to confuse them for the bride. I totally see the BMs point of view of just wanting to do what she wants and then showing up, because by that point are you really going to ask her to change her hair? I would hope not. I think you need to let the whole hair thing go and let your BMs wear it however it is comfortable and stylish for them. 

    </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    I was all for letting them wear their hair how they wanted.  Then I got a load of crap for it and was receiving a million emails.  I guess what makes me mad about the situation is when I was in her wedding she dictated every thing I did, from hair, make up, and nails.  I was not comfortable or happy but paid a pretty penny for all of it. 

    I did tell her if she's not comfortable with either style that's fine but I was curious of what she wanted.  Both hair styles are pretty generic so I was wondering what she was thinking.

    As far as her doing what she wants, I'm paying my photog extra to take pictures at my childhood home.  My grandmother (it was her house handed down to my dad) wanted a picture of all the cousins there.  I don't see why she has to meet us at the church.
  • edited December 2011

    Reading it I'm probably being a little ridiculous she's just the one making every BM detail difficult so everything she does makes me really mad at first.

    Ex dresses- girls can wear any tea length or long, black bridesmaid dresses.  She buys hers and it's like 4 inches above the knee. 

    They were told they could wear any jewelry they wanted.  She calls and says I gifted you, you're jewelry so you should gift mine.  My gifts for the girls is a gift card for each girl for something or somewhere they love plus a spa day to be used for whenever NWR.

    She also has told me she won't carry roses in her bouquet. 

    So when she was being secretive about her hair it was the last straw. 

  • edited December 2011
    Unless she's legit allergic to roses, she can suck it up and carry them. She can do whatever she wants with her hair. And she can go jewelry-less if she doesn't want to wear what she has or buy something. Stop talking wedding with her and just tell her to show up in the dress on the day.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm not asking anything of her that she didn't demand of me last year when she got married.
  • AiobheannAiobheann member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Why is this person in your wedding? Drop her from the list. It sounds like you are mostly hands off and letting your BMs decide to wear what they are comfortable with (I love this and did it myself). If she is the wrench in a smooth running machine, drop her. My BMs didn't like each other, but they were great together and loved that I let them choose their own attire and shoes and hair etc. I only ever had to settle one problem, color or dresses. 
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:929539ae-fab7-4b41-a2f8-20155505582fPost:f15741bd-58ce-4ab2-930f-fc9f2ea33785">Re: BM question</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not asking anything of her that she didn't demand of me last year when she got married.
    Posted by Soon2BNicoleD[/QUOTE]

    Just because she did it doesn't mean you should follow her example.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:929539ae-fab7-4b41-a2f8-20155505582fPost:1d6f76ec-74ef-4b40-996d-4a729cc7088c">Re: BM question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM question : Just because she did it doesn't mean you should follow her example.
    Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Exactly. </div><div>
    </div><div>Be the bigger person here and just let her do whatever she wants to do. If she's going to be that difficult you really don't need to deal with that because you'll have a lot more on your plate. She does need to get over the roses though, if that's what you want. That's so ridiculous. 

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:929539ae-fab7-4b41-a2f8-20155505582fPost:1d6f76ec-74ef-4b40-996d-4a729cc7088c">Re: BM question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM question : Just because she did it doesn't mean you should follow her example.
    Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

    ditto. Remind yourself of how you felt being treated like a wedding prop. You don't want to do that to your bms, do you?

    I get that your cousin is being difficult. She is probably doing it for attention, so don't give it to her. When she makes a big deal about her hairstyle, tell her that it's  up to her-in the most uninterested way that you can muster. And if, by chance, she shows up in an updo similar to yours, no one will confuse her for you. You will be the one in the white wedding dress.

    As far as all the other details go, buy her the same bouquet as the other girls. If she is ungracious enough to refuse to carry it, she will carry nothing and look foolish for making a bid deal out it. The dress is a done deal, so forget about it. It's unlikely that you cousin is going to miss a photo opportunity before the wedding, but if she does, so what. The best way to deal with your cousin is to ignore her pettiness.
                       
  • lynxbbgirllynxbbgirl member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OK don't drop her, that's really rude. And just bc she treated you badly doesn't mean that you should do the same.

    I don't think you should be telling them how to do their hair, you could just simply leave it at "I'm planning on weating my hair down and would like it if you guys picked a different style" I don't think it's right that they all have the same hair. They are adults here.

    If you have that many issues, you need to sit down and talk to her one on one.
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  • edited December 2011

    I should specify their hair will not be the same.  All of the girls have either chosen an updo or side swept hair, except her.  I made the suggestion to them (because many were worried about looking matchy matchy) that they each pick their own style of this. (Straight, curly, low, high, left shoulder, right, whatever).

    I'm not concerned about her looking like the bride.  I would rather the girls not have their hair down because I am and I don't see the big deal if they were to put it up. 

    I would never put someone through hell b/c they put me through hell but with that being said all I did was ask her if I could see what she wanted to do.  Considering I had no choice in my hair AT ALL, I see nothing wrong with me asking her to see what she wanted.  My main thing is that they're able to wear a flower in their hair because this will be the only thing that is the same among all the girls.

    I don't really care if it's different.  It's more the "I'm not going to tell you and make this as difficult as possible" thing that bothers me.  She knew being in the wedding there would be somethings she would have to do and she doesn't want to do any of them.  So why say yes?

    I have asked her this.  She said because I had to.  I told her she doesn't have to do anything and she can opt out.  I'll pay for her dress.  She still says no I have to.

  • Ok first unless you are paying for thier hair to be done, you really shouldnt tell them how to wear it. I do understand the whole "dont wear your hair like me that day" though, and bridesmaids can be difficult sometimes. Just let her wear the dress and show up. Id say to her whatever you want for your hair is fine as long as its not like mine, and if i buy the bouquets and i want roses, you dont have a choice but to hold them. Its my day not yours..Get over it.
  • edited December 2011
    Well my thought on the matter is that you should have a talk with her about the way she's acting. How the hair is worn, not a big deal. You asking to see what she's thinking, I'd ask the same thing. You're asking because it's your wedding and you're curious what she's thinking. I'd explain to her about the house and grandmother thing, maybe she doesn't get that. As for her just showing up to the church and you not know what she's gonna look like...I wouldn't be ok with that. 

    I think the way you handle it is the biggest thing...I think you should kill her with kindness. My girls understand that it's my day and even if they don't like it, they're going to do it because it's me that's getting married, not them. (And they're the ones that tell me that, I try to be considerate and think of them and they keep saying "umm its your day not mine stop being so nice") I'm letting them pick their own dress style but I want to see it before a purchase is done and they're ok with that. They're all doing their hair however they want but they're showing me their ideas. They're remembering this is my day and they want it to be perfect for me.

    That girl should show the same respect. Talk to her about it and see what happens from there. Explain you're not trying to be all bridezilla but you're just curious what she's thinking. After that, see what happens and go from there.
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  • edited December 2011
    Dannysgirl... Thank you I will try this.  I also talked to my aunt, her mom, and explained the picture thing.  She said she would bring this up since her other three daughters will be there she would also like a picture of all the cousins.  She grew up in the house as well.  So maybe her mom telling her it's not just important to me, our grandmother, but her as well might sway her.
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