Wedding Party

Groomsmen assuming his date can be involved in wedding party activities?

Hi,
I have an awkward scenario happening with my wedding. My fiance and I are young(22) and the first of our friends to get married. One of our groomsmen has a girlfriend we do not know very well that he is bringing as a date. When he asked if he could bring her, I said yes, but to make sure they had a plan because we are providing transportation for our wedding party to and from pictures and she would not be able to be on that bus. He told a friend of ours that his date not being able to be on the bus bothered and confused him. 
The transportation is solely to bring the wedding party to and from picture locations. While a lot of our wedding party is inter-dating, there are several members of our wedding party who have dates who will not be on the bus. 
 Besides the back that I don't know her, the transportation isn't meant for partying and I don't want that atmosphere to be created by allowing others on the bus. Plus I would feel responsible for keeping her entertained during our pictures. 
Am I being a bridezilla by putting my foot down on this issue?
This is awkward, we are new this, and would love any advice on how to handle the situtation. 
«13

Answers

  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    When are you taking the pictures? Is this all before the ceremony, or will there be a gap? 
                                 Anniversary
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  • I'm curious why you have to leave for photos, can you not take photos in the area?
    lizybeffKnottie1452098987
  • edited September 2016
    @MairePoppy I'm still confused. I've never heard of the SOs being around for wedding party photos. Often times the photos take place at a different location (eg if the photos are before hand or if they are coordinated during the cocktail hour). Even if they have occurred at the same location, usually they are done off somewhere a bit more private and guests definitely don't stand around watching. 

    ETA: and it seems weird to me to have non wedding party people around for the wedding party photos. 
    SaintPaulGalKnottie1452098987
  • Ironring said:
    @MairePoppy I'm still confused. I've never heard of the SOs being around for wedding party photos. Often times the photos take place at a different location (eg if the photos are before hand or if they are coordinated during the cocktail hour). Even if they have occurred at the same location, usually they are done off somewhere a bit more private and guests definitely don't stand around watching. 

    ETA: and it seems weird to me to have non wedding party people around for the wedding party photos. 
    I agree. I was trying to remember DD's wedding. The prior to the ceremony pictures were done at a location away from the church. SOs weren't there. Not all of the wedding party had SOs but I can't think of any that were around (heck I wasn't there). SOs, including my son's girlfriend just met everyone at the church. Afterwards, during the cocktail party, the SOs were at the party while the B,G and WP were getting more pictures taken. As for riding the bus, it would be nice to include her if she doesn't know anyone else at the wedding but I don't think it is required. Maybe they are at their limit for the number of occupants on the bus. The atmosphere excuse doesn't hold water though. 
    OliveOilsMom
  • I need more information here....

    I also am not familiar with SO's being around for WP photos, but IME, these photos are either done right before the ceremony, or during the cocktail hour, so SOs of the WP would attend the wedding like any other guest and meet up with their SO at dinner.

    When I got married, my MOH came to my mom's early before the ceremony, and drove with me to the ceremony. Her then bf drove himself to the ceremony (he was local), and attended like any other guest (we seated SOs together with the WP for dinner, they left together, etc). DH's best man's wife hung around while the men got ready, as they were both staying at my dad's house (both OOT). For WP photos, no SOs were around, they were at cocktail hour. But we took our photos at our venue and once the WP photos were done, they joined their SOs and the other guests at cocktail hour.

    Why does GM want his gf included? Where is the bus leaving from? How long is it going to be? Where is the bus returning to? What are the other SOs doing?

    If you're heading out on the bus during cocktail hour (from your venue) to snap photos at a few locations then returning to the ceremony, I think your FI can tell GM, "Sorry friend, but the bus is rented just to shuttle us around for pictures, then we're heading back to the reception". However, if you have a gap, or if GM's gf wouldn't have transportation without him, then I can see why he'd ask. What is she supposed to do while he's out and about? What are the other SOs doing?

    At the end of the day though, I don't think it's going to ruin the atmosphere if the SOs of your WP come on the bus.
  • Count me in as need more info. 

    I don't think you have to let on her per se, but I think you should. What is having one extra person going to do to the atmosphere? As long as there is room, IMO this would make one of your GM happy and does not detract from what you are doing. Treating people well goes a long way in my book.

    As for SOs at the pictures, I don't really see the problem. Is it typical? Probably not, but again, what's the harm, especially if she doesn't know anyone besides the GM or people in the WP?
    MairePoppy
  • My fiance was once a groomsman at an out-of-town wedding. He and the other wedding party members met at the couple's house at 10 a.m. for an evening wedding. They got ready and took pictures all over the city. I was not invited. My fiance took our car to the couple's house in the morning. I was fortunate that my fiance had family who lived in that city. They let me hang out with them all day and even borrow a car to drive myself to the church and from the church to the reception. (The wedding party took a limo.) Everyone I knew was in the wedding party, so if my fiance's family hadn't lived in that city and been so kind, I would have been stuck in a hotel room by myself for the entire day with no way to get to the wedding or reception. That experience has changed my opinion about whether wedding party dates and significant others should be invited to long, prewedding activities.
    That's ridiculous to require the WP to be together at 10 a.m. for an evening wedding. Also not right that they provided transportation home for the WP but not their SOs.
    PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2016
    You know what?   I just remembered that with the exception of my now-BIL-then-SIL's-BF, all the SOs were at the house for pictures.   

    We had a huge house in which a lot of the WP (and their SO's) were staying at anyway (mostly my family).    Those who were not staying there showed up for pictures with their SO's.   After pictures the trolley took DH, GMs and most the SOs to the venue.   Another one (or maybe the first one did a round trip) came and picked up me, the BMs, my parents and a few other of my family members (some  who were SOs)  to the venue.


    Now-BIL choose to go to a bar before the wedding with other guests.  He was more than welcomed to come over too.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875PrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    lyndausvi said:
    I've been a SO on a WP bus before.   Was so happy they included me because there was a gap and everyone I knew was in the WP.  I would have been completely alone otherwise.

    It's clear I just come from different world.  I'm a more the merry type person.  I'm a host.  I think about how I would feel in the same situation.      

    Gap + doesn't know anyone = I'm letting SOs travel with us.  I don't think it's "required", but think it's the right thing to do.

    Pictures before the ceremony?  No gap?   Knows other people at the wedding?  Umm, I'm more than likely not going out of my way to include them.
    So  often, I think our families are very much alike.

    We hired a large passenger van to drive us to and from our daughter's wedding. We had lots of room, so we invited other local family members to ride with us. Those guests were thrilled to not worry about parking, drinking, driving at night, getting lost etc....The shuttle was also used by the wedding party and their SOs and other guests between the hotel, ceremony and reception venues, all within a few blocks. The SOs traveled with the wedding party and somehow managed to not be in the way. It seems strange to me to exclude them.

    The groom's family members are from all over the country. I think they were just excited to see each other and hung out and talked while the wedding party had pics. It wasn't weird or awkward at all. They were doing their thing. H and I and my parents were first up for the POB and GPOB photos, with the B & G and hurried off to the cocktail hour to greet guests, which is our thing. 
                       
    OurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My fiance was once a groomsman at an out-of-town wedding. He and the other wedding party members met at the couple's house at 10 a.m. for an evening wedding. They got ready and took pictures all over the city. I was not invited. My fiance took our car to the couple's house in the morning. I was fortunate that my fiance had family who lived in that city. They let me hang out with them all day and even borrow a car to drive myself to the church and from the church to the reception. (The wedding party took a limo.) Everyone I knew was in the wedding party, so if my fiance's family hadn't lived in that city and been so kind, I would have been stuck in a hotel room by myself for the entire day with no way to get to the wedding or reception. That experience has changed my opinion about whether wedding party dates and significant others should be invited to long, prewedding activities.
    Agreed. Was a WP SO in a wedding with a long gap, and OP's concern that she might be bored and standing around during the picture-taking is valid. That's exactly what I did.

    However, I chose the bus because the other options were hang out with my overbearing now-MIL awkwardly, or be by myself OOT all day. Bus was the best option - I got to spend at least some of the time with my boyfriend. OP, let her come in the WP transportation... you created the other options via your planning to be probably more awkward and inconvenient for her.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Add me to the list of people who are confused why everyone is saying the GM's GF must come on the bus.  As a WP member many times and when I married, WP member's SO were not included on any buses.  Typically a bus is not kept all night long, so someone needs to drive a vehicle to get the WP member home.  I know uber is a big thing now, so it may not be as necessary anymore.

    The bus that we rented legally would only hold us, our parents, the WP including my niece and nephew if their parents allowed them on the limo.  So on the ride from the church to the venue, we were at legal capacity.  If I picked a bus that would have allowed WP members plus their SOs, it would have been more money than we could have spent on a bus and we married in an off season and got great discounts.

    Now, if OP is having a huge gap - that is a different story.  Or if the GF has anxiety or is very shy, etc - again a different story.  I don't think having GF on the bus would change the atmosphere or think that bride needed to run around getting GF drinks and making sure she was comfortable.  GM should make a point to introduce her to other SOs of the WP who are also not in WP at the RD, so that GF can hang out with them while pictures are going on.

    ei34SP29STARMOON44
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2016
    Ironring said:
    @MairePoppy I'm still confused. I've never heard of the SOs being around for wedding party photos. Often times the photos take place at a different location (eg if the photos are before hand or if they are coordinated during the cocktail hour). Even if they have occurred at the same location, usually they are done off somewhere a bit more private and guests definitely don't stand around watching. 

    ETA: and it seems weird to me to have non wedding party people around for the wedding party photos. 
    You've never heard of it because a lot of people do very inconsiderate things and others put up with inconsiderate things because ZOMG Wedding!!!

    To the OP, Let's use common sense and common courtesy, folks.  If your WP members have dates that won't know anyone at the wedding other than their date, then it's totally inconsiderate and poor hosting to ban them from being with their date while you run off to take pictures.

    It's irrelevant as to whether or not you know these SOs or dates- you're hosting them so you need to be considerate of their comfort.  And here's an idea, you could get to know them while you're driving around to take your pictures.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OurWildKingdombohobrideCA
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2016
    SP29 said:
    I need more information here....

    I also am not familiar with SO's being around for WP photos, but IME, these photos are either done right before the ceremony, or during the cocktail hour, so SOs of the WP would attend the wedding like any other guest and meet up with their SO at dinner.

    When I got married, my MOH came to my mom's early before the ceremony, and drove with me to the ceremony. Her then bf drove himself to the ceremony (he was local), and attended like any other guest (we seated SOs together with the WP for dinner, they left together, etc). DH's best man's wife hung around while the men got ready, as they were both staying at my dad's house (both OOT). For WP photos, no SOs were around, they were at cocktail hour. But we took our photos at our venue and once the WP photos were done, they joined their SOs and the other guests at cocktail hour.

    Why does GM want his gf included? Where is the bus leaving from? How long is it going to be? Where is the bus returning to? What are the other SOs doing?

    If you're heading out on the bus during cocktail hour (from your venue) to snap photos at a few locations then returning to the ceremony, I think your FI can tell GM, "Sorry friend, but the bus is rented just to shuttle us around for pictures, then we're heading back to the reception". However, if you have a gap, or if GM's gf wouldn't have transportation without him, then I can see why he'd ask. What is she supposed to do while he's out and about? What are the other SOs doing?

    At the end of the day though, I don't think it's going to ruin the atmosphere if the SOs of your WP come on the bus.
    Because she's his girlfriend and he wants to be in her presence.  Why does anyone do anything with a romantic partner?

    Or like you said, there might be other logistics involved.

    My fiance was once a groomsman at an out-of-town wedding. He and the other wedding party members met at the couple's house at 10 a.m. for an evening wedding. They got ready and took pictures all over the city. I was not invited. My fiance took our car to the couple's house in the morning. I was fortunate that my fiance had family who lived in that city. They let me hang out with them all day and even borrow a car to drive myself to the church and from the church to the reception. (The wedding party took a limo.) Everyone I knew was in the wedding party, so if my fiance's family hadn't lived in that city and been so kind, I would have been stuck in a hotel room by myself for the entire day with no way to get to the wedding or reception. That experience has changed my opinion about whether wedding party dates and significant others should be invited to long, prewedding activities.

    I had a similar experience with an OOT wedding where DH was a groomsman.  Luckily we were staying downtown in a pretty big city, cabs were plentiful, and a lot of DH's family were also in town for the wedding so I could hang out with them.

    But otherwise I would have been stuck in the hotel by myself all day or left to roam around the city by myself all day.  Just because I'm an extrovert doesn't mean I WANT to spend personal time and money to travel out of town for your wedding, only to be separated all day from my SO and go muck about town by myself.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OurWildKingdombohobrideCA
  • Ironring said:
    @MairePoppy I'm still confused. I've never heard of the SOs being around for wedding party photos. Often times the photos take place at a different location (eg if the photos are before hand or if they are coordinated during the cocktail hour). Even if they have occurred at the same location, usually they are done off somewhere a bit more private and guests definitely don't stand around watching. 

    ETA: and it seems weird to me to have non wedding party people around for the wedding party photos. 
    You've never heard of it because a lot of people do very inconsiderate things and others put up with inconsiderate things because ZOMG Wedding!!!

    To the OP, Let's use common sense and common courtesy, folks.  If your WP members have dates that won't know anyone at the wedding other than their date, then it's totally inconsiderate and poor hosting to ban them from being with their date while you run off to take pictures.

    It's irrelevant as to whether or not you know these SOs or dates- you're hosting them so you need to be considerate of their comfort.  And here's an idea, you could get to know them while you're driving around to take your pictures.
    I'm clearly not the only one in this thread who thinks that it's not necessary to invite SO along for photos. I mean, i can agree it's nice if its possible, you have the space in the limo, or if she's really shy or if there's a long gap. But in general? Doesn't seem necessary at all. Also, for most other "inconsiderate" things that people do just because it's a wedding, I've at least heard of the more considerate alternative (cash bar/open bar, Gap/no gap, b listing/not, people have at least heard of the alternative even if they argue it's the "norm" in their area). 

    But I have never once heard in real life, or on any wedding forums ever that SOs need to be invited along for wedding party photos. This is the first thread EVER on any wedding site where I've read it's otherwise required. This is also the first time EVER where I've read stories of people inviting SOs along. I won't argue that this could be a "nice thing to do if possible". 

    This is not an event or a party or anything else like that (rehearsal dinner, couples shower, get to know each other bowling, etc). These are photos. For the wedding party and the couple. With the exception of a select few circumstances, people should be able to be grown ups and take care of themselves for an hour or two while your SO takes some photos. I agree. Let's use some common sense. Taking photos without a SO is not a big deal. 
    ei34SP29wmam35speakeasy14
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ironring said:
    Ironring said:
    @MairePoppy I'm still confused. I've never heard of the SOs being around for wedding party photos. Often times the photos take place at a different location (eg if the photos are before hand or if they are coordinated during the cocktail hour). Even if they have occurred at the same location, usually they are done off somewhere a bit more private and guests definitely don't stand around watching. 

    ETA: and it seems weird to me to have non wedding party people around for the wedding party photos. 
    You've never heard of it because a lot of people do very inconsiderate things and others put up with inconsiderate things because ZOMG Wedding!!!

    To the OP, Let's use common sense and common courtesy, folks.  If your WP members have dates that won't know anyone at the wedding other than their date, then it's totally inconsiderate and poor hosting to ban them from being with their date while you run off to take pictures.

    It's irrelevant as to whether or not you know these SOs or dates- you're hosting them so you need to be considerate of their comfort.  And here's an idea, you could get to know them while you're driving around to take your pictures.
    I'm clearly not the only one in this thread who thinks that it's not necessary to invite SO along for photos. I mean, i can agree it's nice if its possible, you have the space in the limo, or if she's really shy or if there's a long gap. But in general? Doesn't seem necessary at all. Also, for most other "inconsiderate" things that people do just because it's a wedding, I've at least heard of the more considerate alternative (cash bar/open bar, Gap/no gap, b listing/not, people have at least heard of the alternative even if they argue it's the "norm" in their area). 

    But I have never once heard in real life, or on any wedding forums ever that SOs need to be invited along for wedding party photos. This is the first thread EVER on any wedding site where I've read it's otherwise required. This is also the first time EVER where I've read stories of people inviting SOs along. I won't argue that this could be a "nice thing to do if possible". 

    This is not an event or a party or anything else like that (rehearsal dinner, couples shower, get to know each other bowling, etc). These are photos. For the wedding party and the couple. With the exception of a select few circumstances, people should be able to be grown ups and take care of themselves for an hour or two while your SO takes some photos. I agree. Let's use some common sense. Taking photos without a SO is not a big deal. 
    You're the 1st person who was responding and the 1st person I quoted, though.

    We aren't saying this is a requirement.  We are saying that it's a really considerate and nice gesture to make, and it does fall in line with being a good host.

    A wedding is an event, just like the ones you mentioned, and it's subject to the same good hosting manners.  What has happened for a long time is that people excuse things they wouldn't at other events because "it's a wedding," and many of us are now coming to realize as we participate in and attend more and more weddings that weddings aren't deserving of special dispensation just because they are weddings, and that there's a lot we just don't feel like going along with any more.

    It's not a matter of grown ups being able to take care of themselves for an hour or two, it's a matter of proper hosting and taking your guests comfort into consideration, yes, even while you are having pictures taken.

    They are just pictures.  Nothing personal or sacred is going on.

    Taking photos with the SOs present is not a big deal! 

    I think this is especially relevant when your wedding is OOT for your guests and WP members and if your WP members' SOs and dates don't know another soul at the reception.  It really might be a big deal for a shy person or a person with an anxiety disorder to have to fend for themselves surrounded by strangers, just because pictures are being taken.  And even extroverts might tire of trying to socialize with strangers.

    Just trying to give everyone, especially lurkers, something to think about when planning their weddings.  Just because something has been the accepted social norm for forever doesn't mean we should keep on keeping on with the status quo.





    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OurWildKingdomgeebee908Heffalump
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    BTW, we all need to remember that your WP members are filling ceremonial roles of honor that YOU as the couple are bestowing on them. 

    By asking them to be a part of the WP you are saying that they hold an esteemed position in your lives.  They are your guests of honor.

    Nothing says Guest of Honor to me like being forced to be separated from my DH for hours on end just for the sake of getting ready "bonding" time, getting ready pics, pre ceremony pics, post ceremony pics, yeesh!  ;-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    lyndausvicharlotte989875OurWildKingdombohobrideCA
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